Back to Earth Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

dear d.r., i'm sorry you're in so much pain, i really am.  i echo ah - let me know if there's anything i can do to help.

these ef's are horrific at times, and really do take us to terrible places.  i hope it passes as quickly as possible.  for now, i'm sending loads of love and a hug to wrap you in comfort and care - if you can tolerate it.  i don't want to add anything that will upset you further.  you've never been a burden, now or ever.  i've felt the same way about myself here at times.  it's helped when people refute that for me. 

[camille13512]

Hey Decimal, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I am with everyone else here: you are not a burden. In fact during some of my worst times, your replies under my posts offered strength and hope for me. I would think over your words and ideas to remind myself of all the other possibilities and alternatives my brain couldn't offer me. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Lots of love and hugs. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey guys, sorry to worry you all. I guess I got emotional from being caught in all that stress. I'm not ready to talk about the EF now, but here. 

Not sure, but I guess what I've been wanting is just getting feedback on what people think my strengths and my progress are. I often deny them.

I missed this place badly, but unexpectedly, I did feel better about leaving for a bit. It was a burden to wonder if I was a burden to others, and somehow just refusing help for a bit calmed down my inner critic. Ah, thanks in particular. I forget during EFs, but I am human. Human as I'll always be.

I'm strangely more creative recently — with stories, drawing and creating melodies without lyrics. I guess it's because emotional awareness is easier now. I wonder if I can mix some of these skills with code or science to make it more accesible, but hey, I'm no expert . . . at least for now.

On the other hand, I realized I'm still a little heartbroken from the girl I had a crush on being already taken recently. You know . . . studying the tech of cryptocurrency and how a blockchain works is harder when you're lovesick.

Welp. The creator of this tech was made by someone known as Satoshi Nakomoto — a person whose true identity is still unknown. Considering my major obstacle is being afraid of what others think of me, I wonder if I could study online anonymity to make some controversial changes in the world without being known or targeted like Satoshi. Huh? I wonder.

I guess the EF was a wake up call to move forward. I grew by knowing my limits, and when I know my limits, I could focus on what I'm really good at when I'm rested enough for it, right?

Now let's see what I can do.

[sanmagic7]

you go, d.r.  glad to have you back, more you than ever.

just last nite i was watching a show about cryptocurrency and blockchains, didn't know much about them at all, and here you bring them up.  what are the odds?  actually, you could probably figure that out!  and, yes, i'd imagine that dealing with such subjects would be much more difficult when you have a broken heart.  it can be distracting, at the very least.

i'm glad you found your retreat from here to be pos. for you.  it's worked that way for me at times, too.  sometimes we just need a break from whatever.

keep taking care of you first, always.  you are the most important for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

  Take care of yourself too, San.

...

My pride wanted to punch him in the face.

He was a friend of my dad, a professor of business. I was pissed, but I wouldn't show it out of respect. I asked for feedback on my dream options in a possible business perspective, and he offered comments on each.

One of the things he seemed to notice about me is that I'm shy and avoid conflict. I hate my flaws being so . . . exposed,  EFs flickered with anger in my mind. He gave me some books for this, and I understood something.

World peace isn't such a good idea if it means everyone agrees with each other. To have no bloodshed is good, but to have no disagreements in ideas means there isn't any room to allow each other to grow.

Then who are the best people to learn about dealing with conflict then. The salespeople who get the door slammed on him in each house. The author whose requests for publication is constantly met with shaking heads.. It's the entrepreneurs who begin a startup with potential investors walking away.

Okay, I'm open to that. For now. . .yeah . . . I think I'll . . . I'll pee my pants.

[DecimalRocket]

I just don't know today . . . I can't say what it is, but I caused a misunderstanding with a friend by speaking and understanding things too literally. I think I might have made her pretty angry at my mistake and ended the conversation. Well . . . I guess it's what it is. I hope I can make it up to her. It's not her fault.

I messed things up today really badly. Maybe I'm too repetitive on the issues I struggle to get out of my head too. I think my social skills get worse during EFs and whatever major EF happened a few days ago -- came back today. I'd like to talk to people more at my most stressed, but I'm not sure if people would put up with me more likely saying accidentally hurtful things.

I'd ask more questions to clear up some social rules/guidelines I don't get, but it might sound offensive to ask what people call an obvious question on a serious issue.

What am I feeling now? I don't know. But I think I'm okay. I think -- at least okay enough. Calm but . . . not exactly calm. I guess I'd call it being frozen and unmoving, but yielding. Hopeful yet exhausted. Brave but also terrified.

Huh? Why's my body so feverish and lethargic now? What happened today wasn't that bad. I've been getting sick more and more often lately, even with some not mentioned here.

I don't know . . .

[Estella]

I'm sorry to hear what a tough time you're going through at the moment DR. It seems like all these EFs are coming up and no wonder you're exhausted.

Seems like there is a communication issue between you and your friend. Will you take a leap of faith and explain to him what's going on in your mind, how you don't quite understand the social rules and the like?

I hope things improve for you.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, Estella. 

I contacted her online and she thanked me for clearing it up. Phew. I guess even if I can be kinda clueless to notice things indirectly, I can still communicate things directly. All this social cluelessness has made me a lot more straightforward. I guess that's one social skills area I'm good at least compared to people who give all kinds of confusing signals.

A huge breakthrough happened, but I'm too tired to explain. I have this suspicion that people will just envy or hate me for having something good happen to me. The EFs still have done a number on me, and I need rest. So maybe I'll explain next time.

See you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie, so very glad to hear you were able to clear the air with your friend.

i totally agree with you about peace.  disagreement is a way for us to see something from another perspective, a chance to learn, and, as you said, a means for growth.   plus, we can always agree to disagree if that makes sense for us.  pure peace might be achieved by just going along, but where is individual truth in that?

you do seem to be getting sick a lot lately.  i hope it's nothing serious.  i know you've gotten sick before from distress.  i know that one myself.  but i can recognize it now for what it is as compared to a true illness. 

if something good has happened for you, d.r., i will be very happy about it.  i don't doubt that others will, too.

keep taking care of you.  love and a big healing restful hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, San. I was feeling a little unheard and was upset by it, so it's nice that at least one person came by. 

I don't think I can admit what that big breakthrough is, and I realize it's because I fear being envied. So I'll try to practice saying better and better news slowly until I can get rid of my fear of envy from others.

. . .
They say aspies tend to follow rules too rigidly and I was confused to not see it in myself. I don't have rigid schedules (More like overly specific ways to do an activity that can be done at any time) or follow teachers' rules on schoolwork 100%, but I notice when it comes to morality. . . well, that's where the symptoms express itself. 

Morals were different in the past — slavery, left handedness, homosexuality etc. So I always doubted things too much to the point of settling on no answers until I figure it out myself. But I can't figure it out and I'll just follow direct feedback from reliable people.

The moral areas nearly everyone agrees with are easy but controversial ones still make no sense. Unless it has backed up statistics (ex. Proper non-abstinance sex ed lowers teen pregnancies), then every argument seems arbitrary.

If I'll innovate something for society, it'll be in a more logical area. I'll leave moral innovation to the activists. I've been anxious about the future because I thought I had to make decisions for others to make a difference.

But no, I'm too indecisive for that. I don't give answers.

I discover information. I weave perspectives. I suggest food for thought.

That's what I do best.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't usually talk about two issues in posts a day in my Recovery Journal, but I'm aching to share it.

I found it strange that I can switch between from upsettingly shy to incredibly unshy, and I found the reason why. I find it easier to communicate ideas visually than verbally.

In school, I was the class clown. I was talented at visual comedy. I could quickly create silly body language in imaginary scenarios and improvise with everyday items on the spot.

But when I tried to speak with words, I'd get afraid. I'll run away from conversations. I'd give overly short responses to questions. People might see my own suffering emotions visually, but I can't explain to them why in words.

I dubbed myself "The Silent Pranker", a nickname that I'm also silent about. Known throughout the entire high school, yet when approached would often freak out to run to bury themselves alone in books and thoughts.

Sigh. I'm more tongue-tied in real life, and online I'm afraid to express my humorous side in text-based environments.

Where can I find the best of both worlds? And why in the world do I have this unique problem in the first place?

I'm weird.

[sanmagic7]

you're weird, i'm weird - isn't that what makes us all the more interesting?  all us weirdos are fascinating, and i'd rather be around them than the bland cookie-cutter beiges.

morality is like so many things to me - so very individual.  different cultures have different sets of morals.  how can i say a moral decision in another culture is wrong?  or right? 

i think providing food for thought is an excellent route to follow.  it encourages individual perspectives, diversity, and exercise for the brain.  again, leave the homogeny alone - i want colors in my life.

love and hugs, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, San.  I guess I do like being different a lot more lately, and my ability to think verbally has gotten a lot quicker for better real life conversations. Not entirely though.  I'm still listening to the podcast, "Grownups Read Things They Wrote as Kids", Sceal suggested. And it's comforting to relate to others about the awkwardness of growing up.

[DecimalRocket]

I woke up with my eyes feeling teary eyed from a nightmare.

After a  vacation, I'd ride back home in a bus. But when I came back, the world around was caught up in a field of monsters. I hid shaking under the dinner table, when another survivor found me there.
I was taken to another survivor's camp and trained to strict standards on how to fight.

I was discriminated against, and I had to stand up for myself with words each time. I remember saying, "So what? Age, gender, social class, and race are all lost in a world like this."

I remember staying inside a plane, and talking with friends. But when one guy tripped and injured himself, people moved quickly to him to help. Not out of kindness, but out of fear. Pain was what attracted the monsters in this world, and happiness was a luxury.

A machine matched him as immoral, and he was taken away — leaving me wondering if I could ever be taken away too.

It was a vivid dream — my senses were heightened and it all felt . . . so real.

I'll try to dry my tears then.

[DecimalRocket]

I have a confession.

Maybe I really am not the best person as I think I am. Somewhere inside me is just a me who just wants to attract more and more people just for the sake of me.. Somewhere inside I'm more pathetic and envious than I am outside. Of maybe just . . . someone who's just unaware of what's better.

So leave me if you like. Have no sympathy for me if you like.

But someone tell me. What makes something just talking about my hurt and attention seeking? What makes something requesting and what makes something begging? What makes something reaching out and what makes something clingy?

At the very least even if my inner critic is just blaming myself too much, I'd have the comfort of at least intellectually understanding why I'm doing something good. People give me all sorts of compliments or insults, and without understanding why, I lack trust in it.

I don't want to be the pain that attracts monsters, and that someday I'll be taken away.