Why do I miss my abuser?

Started by Resca, March 28, 2018, 12:55:42 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Resca

I grew up with my uBPD/narcissist mother and her malignant narcissist of a husband. I went NC with the both of them for the second time around this past Thanksgiving and am honestly feeling better most days. I can even justify the NC to myself on a regular basis even though the anxiety of knowing that I'm hurting my parent is a burden. But these days are the hardest: the days when I miss my mom.

She wasn't an overtly cruel person. She took me to get my nails done, took care of me when I was sick, planned vacations and girls days. On the outside, she looked like a great mother and I let myself believe that this was the side of her that truly mattered for a long, long time. But she was also self-involved, manipulative, changable, focused on her hateful husband over and above her child. Focused on the "dream life" that she would have when I was finally out of the house. It took until I was officially moved out to realize that all the weeks of silent treatment over unwashed dishes, the frequent comments that her marriage would be easier without me, the verbal degradation of my character, and the threats to kick me out if I didn't meet my stepfather's unreasonable expectations were all forms of emotional abuse. I spent my entire childhood feeling vulnerable and unwanted and stuck in a fake reality that was totally outside my control. Trapped in a nightmare that I couldn't prove even existed.

But I miss her. I miss the smell of her hair and her perfume and the way she would rub my head. I miss long car rides with her and those moments when she said she was sorry for everything that had happened between us. When I thought she was finally going to try. I miss her hugs. I miss the sound of her clearing her voice or singing. I miss the softness of her skin.

I know those things shouldn't matter against the backdrop of the trauma and lost childhood but they still do. And it breaks me.

Elphanigh

Resca, you're not alone in this I promise. I still go through phases of missing my toxic M. Missing the good parts of what she did for me, but that is what they do. There is enough good given to us that we crave it because we grew dependent on it. I know that doesn't making missing her away but it is why (at least for me) it happens.

You are so strong to be battling this, Resca. Thank you for sharing so openly  :hug:

Blueberry

I agree with Elphanigh, Resca you're definitely not alone. I miss both my parents - I'm VVVLC as opposed to NC. I don't always miss them, but I have my moments. I did make a decision a while ago to reduce contact to all of FOO. I decided I wasn't staying in 'normal' contact at the expense of my own health.

My family is dysfunctional and i suffered under them a lot. They have proved that they're not going to change, not even my generation is going to change. Nevertheless among the bad, they did give some good. But not enough to allow me to 'forgive and forget' and continue to allow myself to be emotionally abused and manipulated, or ignored or belittled, or blamed and all that. The craving for family sometimes makes me briefly forget how bad it was and that they're not going to change. I've given them enough chances already though.

So that's my take on why I miss my abusers / enablers.

Thanks for broaching this topic. I think it's brave, and it's very honest too.  :hug:

Resca

Thank you both for your validation and support. That was a dark evening and it took me a few days to be willing to see your answers, but this is just what I needed to hear.

Thank you for reframing the narrative around those good moments, Elphanigh. You're right - those moments were carefully crafted to keep us holding on. And I gave my mother no shortage of chances based solely on the memories of those moments. But as you pointed out, Blueberry, our abusers are never going to change. The good is no longer worth the pain, especially knowing the good is only there to sort of soften me up to her whims, so to speak.

I've been thinking about what brings these episodes on. I think this one was about my upcoming birthday, but I've had them before over simple things like a song or a smell. Anything that triggers memories.

Is it the same for you?
Do you think there's a way to sort of preemptively soften the blow?
Or that riding out the confusion is more worthwhile?

I'm just so terrified that one of these days, I'm going to miss her so much that I get sucked in again. I don't know if I can take any more heartbreak.

DecimalRocket

Ah, it's crazy how much we miss the worse things sometimes. Back when I didn't know I had Cptsd and was just relying on depression and anxiety volunteer listeners, they would often tell me how terrible my memories were to miss them. I knew that, and for some reason I still miss them. I've realized it had more to do with missing my ideas of these memories, rather than what these memories really were.

I've been emotionally abused, but for most of it I was emotionally neglected. It's crazy, but I miss being isolated and intensely fearing rejection sometimes. I felt like I was the underdog bravely faring against the world and I had this illusion that I can do things by myself. Now I ask for help or at least do my best with that, and while my ideas weren't as impressive, I'm better.

I don't know if this applies to you, but when this happens, I try to look for healthier sources of nostalgia. Childhood games I used to play. Books I used to read, and shows with superheroes I cheered on. If I missed someone who was abusive, I try to be nostalgic for someone who wasn't. That, or I try to be nostalgic for what has happened in the past months, weeks or even days. Then eventually the need goes away. It comes back to be honest, but it goes away then.


Resca

Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 04, 2018, 03:12:41 AM
Ah, it's crazy how much we miss the worse things sometimes. Back when I didn't know I had Cptsd and was just relying on depression and anxiety volunteer listeners, they would often tell me how terrible my memories were to miss them. I knew that, and for some reason I still miss them. I've realized it had more to do with missing my ideas of these memories, rather than what these memories really were.

I've been emotionally abused, but for most of it I was emotionally neglected. It's crazy, but I miss being isolated and intensely fearing rejection sometimes. I felt like I was the underdog bravely faring against the world and I had this illusion that I can do things by myself. Now I ask for help or at least do my best with that, and while my ideas weren't as impressive, I'm better.

It's like you're in my head. Your first example is what got me on this thread but I admit that I've felt the second one, too. Being rejected and alone and still getting by; being a "victim." It turned into a personality identifier that made me feel special. Like I had something that made me different and gave me permission to be "wounded." To be unable to fully take care of myself but deserving infinite praise for what I could manage. Letting go of that has been that hardest part of healing because it means I have to be even stronger and more accountable and more vulnerable than I've ever been, and that sounds exhausting. But worth it, I think, in the long run. You should be proud of the progress you've made in this area - it's hard work. I commend you.

And I appreciate your idea about looking for "healthier sources of nostalgia." It sound like a good way to capture that feeling and redirect it toward something positive. Someone else with soft skin or some other road trip. Old video games are always a good source of nostalgia, too :)

Thank you, Decimal.

plantsandworms

Wow really glad to have found this thread at this moment. I just posted in the same section of this forum about similar, related feelings. I also experience extreme nostalgia sometimes for this idealized version of what was honestly a terrible childhood with abusive parents. I get angry or ashamed with myself because I want to stop loving them and missing them and feeling special or interesting or prideful about the insane adventures (more  like nightmares) my parents put us through. But at the same time I feel resistant to letting it go. It's like I don't want to stop wishing or hoping or pining even though I know they will never be different people and my childhood was never a perfect childhood. I think the idea of finding other sources of nostalgia is a good one that I will try, too. Love and strength to all of you.