[DecimalRocket]

Sceal had a similar problem and I replied to her something about it. Maybe you guys can benefit from it too, though not having experienced it to the extent you have, I can't promise I'll fully understand you all.

Sceal, I can't relate much. I've been insecure, but not of my looks, and comments of being physically beautiful or ugly has no effect on me. Though thinking of having a specific gender with my looks worries me, and I try not to think about it too much. Though, I've had friends who felt this way, and I've seen a lot of these kinds of issues online.

It must be hard really. Changing yourself physically is something incredibly difficult when it comes to weight. Not to mention other physical parts that can't be changed much because of genes. Unlike the things I'm insecure about which are often invisible traits, physical traits are easily seen. People can look at you and they'll know it, and you'll know they know it.

I've been introduced to cartooning before, and while I'm not that good at it (Things that aren't STEM or writing related is a little. . .), I often found it interesting how different body shapes are on characters. When looking at animation where everyone looks exactly the same isn't as interesting, and variety speaks to the talent of a cartoonist's ability to show the uniqueness of a character. 

Sometimes I observe people's different appearances from afar, and I like how different people are. I remember when reading about drawing, one artist talked about that when she drew, everything was beautiful. There's a counterintuitive drawing trick where people are supposed to draw a picture that's upside down. This is because they're more likely to see it purely as lines, shapes and shades rather than be prejudice to it of what you think it is.

The special thing about drawing is that they don't draw what they think is there. They draw what they really see is there.

[Elphanigh]

I had/have similar problems as well. I was naturally small but the second I started putting om any kimd of healthy weight I stopped eating, and often puked up what i did eat. (This is why i didn't respond to kizzie, I felt shame for having the ooposite issue....)

The cause was two fold. One, not wanting to take up soace or exist (you hit this one on the nail, Blueberry). Two, I had to be perfect and the level of perfection meant being 'twiggy' as someome mentioned here.

I still struggle with eating, all centered around thoughts that directly deal with my Cptsd. I am now what most people would consider healthy weight, but I have the need to lose weight... to not be as noticeable or imperfect.


Sorry I don't mean to hijack if I did at all

[Elphanigh]

Sending more of a group hug 

Have been reading with great interest, and relate on some level. I just cant respond because some shame demons have reared their head.

[sanmagic7]

 

[artemis23]

 

I'm glad you brought this all up Kizzie, I'm dealing with it too rn. It's easier when I can relate to others for sure.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it here, but the article I published that has my F up in arms and being stalkery and annoying, it was all about this, and it was/is beautiful. It's not about him really. But reading this and responding has given me a lot of strength and courage and I'm not afraid about him anymore. A peace has descended over me about it. I remembered why I did and and will continue with it. I wrote applied for a grant to get some funding for my site and realized there are other ways to do this. Maybe create a whole resource page and just drop the coaching till I'm well again. And shame on him! I will turn what happened to me into something good. I'm coming back to life! Thank you for your courage and vulnerability. No shame, no shame!

[artemis23]

I'm glad you shared, Elphanigh. I've done that as well at different points. What i realized in my journey was that it was easier to feel shame about my body than about the trauma I went through...easier to feel it about something I perceived to be 'controllable' as well! And in a society where no one is safe in their body type, regardless, and body shame is part of the culture (very much now for men as well), it's easy to just slip into this behavior, and totally understandable. 

[Blueberry]

No worries Elphanigh, that's not a hijack! Sounds very similar in fact - not wanting to take up space or exist. And then having to be perfect. We just had different ways of dealing with it. I never puked and I'm glad about that for myself. That's not a 'holier than than thou' thing, it's just that I have trouble inflicting actual pain on myself or doing things to my body, it even feels slightly cowardly but it's probably good that way! Have trouble doing things to other bodies too, e.g. when I had my pets, I used to need help to administer meds. Also has to do with my problems with my hands and slightly technical things, I realise as I write.

My SH method also had a lot to do with not being perfect physically and with not existing. Every hair gone meant I existed less. That's not an interpretation in hindsight. That was the really the case back then, my thought sometimes with each hair gone. "I exist less, I weigh less."

[Blueberry]

Sounds really positive artemis 

[Blueberry]

I related to that need for comfort food before. ... I managed to stop it with mindfulness for craving, or mindfulness for addictions really. It's less of something that I stopped by forcing me to change my behavior outside, but by being able to accept and fully feel whatever is inside as I wanted to grab for something sweet. Sometimes even then, I'd eat, but awareness would grow where I'm aware of the craving well before something sweet is near.
....

I didn't really see things as "unhealthy" coping skills or "healthy" coping skills. I saw it as a spectrum, a collection of steps going upward, and how different activities are different for all of us.

Sounds like real progress to me DR 

[Elphanigh]

Artemis, I am really glad that someone understands. Thank you for validating and sharing.

Blueberry, glad it was similar enough  I am very glad you never puked and struggle to. It is much better for your body. I didn’t for very long, and it wasn’t my normal go to, but it worked if I absolutely had to eat kind of thing. It was unhealthy and I am always glad when others did not go quite so far in that. My self harm, outside of this, was never very physical compared to other people’s either. I had a hard time inflicting much actual pain tbh.

[Kizzie]

I'm so glad we connected over this issue Artmeis, it seems it is helping you and I and will others too     Maybe once you are feeling better you  might consider sharing your article with us, it sounds really interesting. 

So I'm beginning with some mantra's which are "I am not fat, I have fat,"(love turning negative msges around),  "No shaming" and "Small changes"  Simple, easy to remember but powerful messages I can give myself.   I am also going to read one of the books you recommended and there is an Inner Child workbook I am going to order to see if maybe that will help me to reach that part of my IC that is still hurting. 

More to follow

[Kizzie]

I'm long since 'pretty good' with it actually. Much more accepting of it and of me than when I weighed 30 kg less. But then sometimes I'm blindsided by what other people think and say. It's not their business but it's not always easy to ignore. Or just knowing how important physical health is for some friends and I feel ashamed in advance for when they next see me and see I've gone up another size.

On a desert island I'd be good with my weight and size (but not with all other physical aspects of myself that were shamed a lot by FOO) but not in society all the time. I try to remember that on particularly good days moodwise, I feel less fat than on bad days moodwise, though physically there is no difference.

In this you hit the nail on the head here for me BB.  I just don't want to see anyone any more who will look at me and think "Wow, she's really put on weight" or new people who will think "She's quite heavy."   I have created a bit of a dessert island for myself because I just don't want to feel  shame or anger over what I look like any more.  I don't want to feel "less than" anyone simply because of my weight.  I don't want to feel bad any more because I am a good person, I am NOT weak or lazy or any of the other stigmatizing things people think/say about those of us who are over/underweight. Something is driving me and I just haven't figured it out or gotten the right kind of help to deal with it .... yet.  I think if I could reach into the pain and process it, this need to overeat would die off naturally.

 I can relate to under-eating and purging because of needing to be perfect Elph.  I did everything possible to be perfect and just couldn't keep the weight of so that sparked some real depression and a deep sense of failure I must say.  At some point I felt too tired and broken to keep on trying with my overeating.  It's why I hide out, well hid out - I guess now I am outing myself       

When I think back, I can see when and why I began to feel tired and broken.  It really began to rain on me starting in 2005 when I graduated with my doctorate after years of hard work only to end up being diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year later. I made it through surgery and chemo only to end up soon after with increasing physical pain and restriction due to osteoarthritis.  I then found out I have Complex PTSD and went through a bout of drinking and a breakdown in 2013-14. It is no wonder I felt too tired and broken to keep fighting my overeating, I was and anyone would be.  I realize in looking back how much I have had on my plate (figuratively) and that food literally helped me through it all.   I also realize I I have been waaaaaay too hard on myself and also that this is a good place to start, with more self-compassion and really embracing the idea that over/under eating is not a moral failure, it is a symptom of pain that has not been dealt with. 

 

[Elphanigh]

Kizzie, it is my goal to come back and reply more but I wanted to make sure I got to this when I saw it.


I am so glad you understand the under/over eating in that way. You frame it so well when you put it as a side effect of unresolved pain. It truly is that.

Sending many hugs 

Thank you for sharing so openly. I love to see you "outing yourself". It is an inspiration

[artemis23]

Love the mantras Kizzie. Yeah I can share it but it destroys my anonymity haha. So that's the only drawback. Not that I really care at this point...but maybe better for now as I still fall prey to paranoia/hypervigilance. 

[sanmagic7]

love the mantras, kizzie.  sounds like you have a plan.  good for you.