I'm long since 'pretty good' with it actually. Much more accepting of it and of me than when I weighed 30 kg less. But then sometimes I'm blindsided by what other people think and say. It's not their business but it's not always easy to ignore. Or just knowing how important physical health is for some friends and I feel ashamed in advance for when they next see me and see I've gone up another size.
On a desert island I'd be good with my weight and size (but not with all other physical aspects of myself that were shamed a lot by FOO) but not in society all the time. I try to remember that on particularly good days moodwise, I feel less fat than on bad days moodwise, though physically there is no difference.
In this you hit the nail on the head here for me BB. I just don't want to see anyone any more who will look at me and think "Wow, she's really put on weight" or new people who will think "She's quite heavy." I have created a bit of a dessert island for myself because I just don't want to feel shame or anger over what I look like any more. I don't want to feel "less than" anyone simply because of my weight. I don't want to feel bad any more because I
am a good person, I am NOT weak or lazy or any of the other stigmatizing things people think/say about those of us who are over/underweight. Something is driving me and I just haven't figured it out or gotten the right kind of help to deal with it .... yet. I think if I could reach into the pain and process it, this need to overeat would die off naturally.
I can relate to under-eating and purging because of needing to be perfect Elph. I did everything possible to be perfect and just couldn't keep the weight of so that sparked some real depression and a deep sense of failure I must say. At some point I felt too tired and broken to keep on trying with my overeating. It's why I hide out, well hid out - I guess now I am outing myself
When I think back, I can see when and why I began to feel tired and broken. It really began to rain on me starting in 2005 when I graduated with my doctorate after years of hard work only to end up being diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year later. I made it through surgery and chemo only to end up soon after with increasing physical pain and restriction due to osteoarthritis. I then found out I have Complex PTSD and went through a bout of drinking and a breakdown in 2013-14. It is no wonder I felt too tired and broken to keep fighting my overeating, I was and anyone would be. I realize in looking back how much I have had on my plate (figuratively) and that food literally helped me through it all. I also realize I I have been waaaaaay too hard on myself and also that this is a good place to start, with more self-compassion and really embracing the idea that over/under eating is not a moral failure, it is a symptom of pain that has not been dealt with.
