Nightmares

[Butterfly]

I haven't gotten through all CPTSD reading I have to do but I wanted to put this out there. I'm plagued by nightmares. Not often and the timing is sometimes odd.

This weeks visit with uPD mum (I'm LC MC) went well yet I had a nightmare last night of epic proportions. In my nightmare mum was driving far too fast through my current location. I was in deep fear for my life. I was trying to scream no and stop but could only manage a nearly mute whisper of the words.

When the car slowed enough for me to jump out I did so and found myself running through back ally's and businesses of my home town where I grew up. She wasn't far behind on foot and still all I could manage was a muted whisper 'no' over and over. She tried to get the police and the tax man after me but they dismissed her.

Finally I made  it through one building and out the back door and she was there waiting, outsmarted me, telling me I couldn't get away. And then I woke up still whispering a muted no but in my final waking breath I screamed out loud NO.

12 hours later I'm still shook up from the nightmare and I know what it's all about but I so wish the nightmares would stop.

Years ago I went for a sleep study because I would wake in the middle of the night choking. I thought perhaps I had sleep apnea but the test results came back with absolutely no physical reason for me to wake up choking. And I know what that was about two because every time I feel suffocated I wake up choking.

So I'm not sure if nightmares is a symptom or not but I suspect it is and welcome any comments or insights you might have.

[coda]

Hi Butterfly, I'm new to this board (but not the ravages of c-pstd). I get those kind of nightmares rarely, but when they come they can feel genuinely life-threatening, and the aftereffects linger for days.

Even for good ole normal neuroses, dreams play a huge part in helping us understand our own subconscious. I believe people like us are always processing, always trying to escape, or come to terms, or prove ourselves or self-punish again and again. In real life we have separated (or at least seen the need to), but sometimes our unguarded brains still get caught up in the drama.

When I was a toddler, I had pretty constant falling dreams...and then frequently fell out of bed hurting myself. The doctor came often. Now my nightmares are all variations on the same theme -- and they paralyze me with horror and shame. Talk about it. Remind yourself that thoughts are not facts. And above all, see them for what they really are: the last vestiges of how you were trained to think about yourself...and how you fought back.

[Butterfly]

Coda your last few words are choking me up. Thank you for your kind understanding.

Falling dreams sound pretty scary. Wishing you well.

[Kizzie]

Hi Coda and welcome to OOTS - glad you found your way here.  When you're ready, perhaps you can post a bit about your situation in the Intro forum. 

Sorry to hear about your nightmares Butterfly and Coda, they are one of the three main symptoms of PTSD which those of us with CPTSD can also suffer from. I don't have nightmares very often, but when I do they are usually of the variety where I can't make a sound, I try but I can't and they stay with me long after I wake up.

Butterfly, I don't think I've ever had one as clearly related to my trauma as yours though.  I wonder if coming here has brought the trauma to the surface a little more so that even a visit with your M that went well was triggering.  Have your nightmares always been this clear?  I know it upset you deeply but is it possible that it means you are becoming stronger and more willing to look into those dark corners where the trauma and fear hide? 

Coda, I think you're absolutely right about making sure we talk about our nightmares, bring them into the light of day and maybe take some of the power out of them.  Recovery is so much about working through the trauma rather than going around it.

Wishing you both wonderful dreams tonight {{Hugs}}

[coda]

Thank you for the welcome, Kizzie...and for creating this remarkable site. It may take me a while to open up, but please know just how vital and timely it is for me.

Butterfly, these dreams are coins of the realm. We may change addresses, but unconscious we can still inhabit old haunts. And I agree with Kizzie, yours was remarkably iconic. But however imperfectly we try to flee, the fleeing is what counts. You make shake remembering, but never forget there always was and forever will be a big part of you that knew you needed to escape. That's the sweet take away - your innate fear that signaled awareness, and your courage in the face of overwhelming circumstances.

[emotion overload]

Butterfly, nightmares are a hallmark symptom for PTSD. 

I think I masked many of my CPTSD symptoms for a long time because of the meds that I've been on.  The one is seroquel, which is an atypical anti-psychotic but it is often prescribed as a sleep aid.  It is non addictive (as opposed to restoril).  For me, I believe it keeps the nightmares away. 

I know you have med restrictions now, so it might not be the best choice for you.  I'm not sure of CPTSD, but nightmares are very much a HUGE part of PTSD, as are insomnia and sleep disturbances.

I am sorry you have to deal with them.  Seroquel keeps most of the nightmares away for me, but then again I wonder about it masking the nightmares, and therefore, the healing.  Doesn't matter much, I've no interest in going off of it.

[Butterfly]

Butterfly, I don't think I've ever had one as clearly related to my trauma as yours though.  I wonder if coming here has brought the trauma to the surface a little more so that even a visit with your M that went well was triggering.  Have your nightmares always been this clear?  I know it upset you deeply but is it possible that it means you are becoming stronger and more willing to look into those dark corners where the trauma and fear hide? 

Maybe so, definitely something to consider. When I was young my recurring dream was trying to run and I was running but couldn't round the corner and I'd pull on the side of the building but I couldn't round the corner. I've never directly connected these vivid nightmares to my trauma until a few years ago. My other recurring dream of choking and this from my youth I now understand more fully thanks to recovery.

Since OOTF my dreams are more vivid, more directly connected and varied rather than recurrent. So quite likely I'm more directly addressing the specifics of present trauma and digging into the dark corners and recesses. This site and the book are helping but it's painful and difficult for me to be in touch with feelings. I'm not used to feeling.

Emotion Overload, I can take restoril whenever needed but fear addiction so try to limit to 2-3 times a week. Plus it leaves me sleepy until noon the following day.

[pam]

I've had nightmares my whole life so I actually thought it was normal, lol, I thought that everyone did. What you describe has that element of desperate fear and attempt to save yourself--I can relate to that.

Over the yrs I have different themes to them. As a teenager, I was murdered a lot. In my 20s I had a lot of "being trapped" dreams where I was surrounded by "bad guys". In my 30s the police and Mafia were always out to get me, lol. Last month I dreampt of being crushed by a dumpster in an alley, being bombed by drones that were only 30 ft overhead, and being hit in my forehead with a metal pipe very hard so I died. Fun stuff. And another theme I have a lot is I have to pee, so I go into a public bathroom. But every stall is either taken, too filthy, broken, has no door on it, or is even missing the toilet! So I have nowhere to "relieve myself." (That's my interpretation--I have no where to put my psychological crap. Or that I am still full of it and need to unburden myself )

Butterfly, I think the positive part of your nightmare is you are actively moving and trying to shout. You aren't staying still. 

[Butterfly]

Pam, wow, what vivid nightmares!

Wow you're right with the change in the dream from years ago and now!! I'm mobile! I'm actually running and vocal even if just a whisper. I'm going to cry tears of joy at this insight. This is an amazing breakthrough! Thank you!

[rtfm]

I've had vivid nightmares all my life, like many of you. Pam, it's interesting that yours are themed - mine have been too.  As a teenager I dreamed a lot about getting murdered, too. One of my most vivid dreams from that time is still with me, I can still see the imagery more clearly than a lot of my own memories.

The worst of them can leave me feeling deeply disoriented and unsure of whether I'm awake or dreaming, and feeling very detached/dissociated all day after.

The worst is a recurrent dream of the same theme.  In the dream, I was in bed asleep in the exact room I happened to be in.  I'd wake up suddenly, feel like something was wrong, get up and go to the bathroom or reach out for my light, and the lights wouldn't come on. I'd start flicking the switch frantically because I knew something was wrong, something just outside of my field of vision...and then I'd wake up, suddenly, and think "what a strange dream" and get out of bed, go to the bathroom or try to turn on the light, the lights wouldn't come on....  You get the picture. Over time of having these dreams, I'd learn what was just out of sight was a man in the hall about to come in and choke me.  I never saw him. I finally learned to wake myself up from these dreams, but I still have a variation of them sometimes.

The dreams always feature a man who will kill me, who is in no hurry, who isn't scared of me finding him or confronting him.  He will always kill me by choking me.  I have never seen him but I have come close to seeing him, and I know what he's there for.  It's horrible.

Have any of your dreams faded as you've gotten older or, for those of you going through therapy for C/PTSD do they get better as you work through this stuff?

[coda]

The dreams always feature a man who will kill me, who is in no hurry, who isn't scared of me finding him or confronting him.  He will always kill me by choking me.  I have never seen him but I have come close to seeing him, and I know what he's there for.  It's horrible.

oh rtfm! I had only one almost exactly dream like this, a few years ago, not long after I went NC. It's still vivid, and still makes me shiver. My murderer was a young drifter serial killer who'd wandered in with his followers who looked as he slowly, methodically stabbed me in bed. They didn't know me or care, they were all lethally calm, amused, curious, weirdly detached. I fought until I realized there was no escape, no hope. Waking up hardly helped.

But I do have frequent recurrent nightmares on the theme of "forgetting" (for lack of a better word). In them, I suddenly remember that I have left a beloved pet, even a baby, alone in my old first apartment...for month or years. I've forgotten to feed them, water them, care for them for weeks, months, even years. I rush there, heart thumping, racked with fear and indescribable guilt. They are always alive, but just barely. Enough to hold, to say goodbye. All I can think is "I've done this, me, and there's no excuse." I should die too.

I know the standard interpretation of dreams is that everyone in them is some aspect of yourself. And that makes some sense given my history. But 'standard' doesn't always apply when you were weaned on the premise that your parent's well-being (read: survival) was your responsibility.

These are chronic stressors, made worse somehow by being self-generated. As if we have a choice. But they're clues too, I don't doubt that. I hold fast to the idea that they are telling and teaching, and most of all not true. Thoughts will not kill me. I used to think my mother wanted to, but I'm still here.

[pam]

Pam, wow, what vivid nightmares!

Wow you're right with the change in the dream from years ago and now!! I'm mobile! I'm actually running and vocal even if just a whisper. I'm going to cry tears of joy at this insight. This is an amazing breakthrough! Thank you!

I'm glad!

[pam]

The dreams always feature a man who will kill me, who is in no hurry, who isn't scared of me finding him or confronting him.  He will always kill me by choking me.  I have never seen him but I have come close to seeing him, and I know what he's there for.  It's horrible.

oh rtfm! I had only one almost exactly dream like this, a few years ago, not long after I went NC. It's still vivid, and still makes me shiver. My murderer was a young drifter serial killer who'd wandered in with his followers who looked as he slowly, methodically stabbed me in bed. They didn't know me or care, they were all lethally calm, amused, curious, weirdly detached. I fought until I realized there was no escape, no hope. Waking up hardly helped.

But I do have frequent recurrent nightmares on the theme of "forgetting" (for lack of a better word). In them, I suddenly remember that I have left a beloved pet, even a baby, alone in my old first apartment...for month or years. I've forgotten to feed them, water them, care for them for weeks, months, even years. I rush there, heart thumping, racked with fear and indescribable guilt. They are always alive, but just barely. Enough to hold, to say goodbye. All I can think is "I've done this, me, and there's no excuse." I should die too.

I know the standard interpretation of dreams is that everyone in them is some aspect of yourself. And that makes some sense given my history. But 'standard' doesn't always apply when you were weaned on the premise that your parent's well-being (read: survival) was your responsibility.

These are chronic stressors, made worse somehow by being self-generated. As if we have a choice. But they're clues too, I don't doubt that. I hold fast to the idea that they are telling and teaching, and most of all not true. Thoughts will not kill me. I used to think my mother wanted to, but I'm still here.

Another theme I have had that's related to forgetting is I'm going to the final exam at a college, yet guess what? I haven't been to any of the classes all semester! So guarateed to fail.

I couldn't help think of inner children you might have inside you (or points where you may have gotten stuck?) when you mention how you kind of left them behind in an old apt and how they are younger!

More recently I dream of being attacked by a wild animal--bear, lion, moose. But sometimes I dream about saving children from a lion. One of my favorite dreams was I saved a whole busload of kids from a hijacker, lol. 

[Kizzie]

And another theme I have a lot is I have to pee, so I go into a public bathroom. But every stall is either taken, too filthy, broken, has no door on it, or is even missing the toilet! So I have nowhere to "relieve myself." (That's my interpretation--I have no where to put my psychological crap. Or that I am still full of it and need to unburden myself

OMG, I have this same dream all the time!  Great interpretation too   

[Badmemories]

i know this is waaayyy out there...but some of the dreams You are having sound to me like reincarnation dreams.  getting murdered? That one for sure!

To me reincarnation dreams are MORE VIVID. sometimes if you look around in them dreams you will see that the clothing etc. is period instead of what we wear today.