ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

i see where my journal was heading toward 30 pages, and with a big move around the corner (again) i thought i'd start anew.

the move will take place in about 3 months.  don't know where, don't know how, don't know what to expect.  in the past few days, tho, i've begun feeling more like this is going to be another adventure, and i don't feel so small and fearful about it, which i'm very glad of. 

my part in this is to help my d realize her dream.  she's been thru so much, has battled and struggled because of her own childhood, our family dynamic, and the illnesses/woundings of the people with whom she grew up.  i've helped her out of guilt in the past, but i'm not in that same place now.  at this time of my life, it's more the idea that we are able to help each other.

her part is to help me cuz of my health/stress issues.  she's pragmatic and emotional about it at the same time.  she's been the one constant in my life who has showed me acceptance and kindness, which i believe has been helping me to gain a little traction in the healing department.  in her life, i have been a constant source of support and encouragement, while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life.

so, we've come to the point where we want to be in each other's company, we get along really well, and we can turn to each other in times of distress.  i'm still her mom, she's still my daughter, but it's all on an adult level now (which took some transitioning for me and she was helpful with that).  now, we are about to turn a corner together in our lives, a strange new world awaiting us.

i can't even imagine what this will mean in either of our lives.  it's very different from what most of our friends have done - she's not caretaking me cuz i'm too old to take care of myself, and i'm still helping her out financially even tho she's way into adulthood. 

lots of us here have talked about c-ptsd and how its effects have altered our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally.  i believe that the newfound relationship with my daughter is a result of this as well.   we've both been stunted in what we've wanted to accomplish and when.  it's been more difficult to do what we've wanted to do when we wanted to do it.  we've both made relationship choices that didn't work out well for us.  now we're turning another corner, but together.

i believe we still have things to learn from each other, so we'll continue to grow.  that feels good.  my biggest wish for her is that she can be happy, content, productive, and satisfied with her life.  my biggest wish for me is to continue healing so that i can feel the same as what i wish for her.  it's rather exciting to see what we'll meet around the next corner. 

[Elphanigh]

I think this is a beautiful start to a new adventure, San  It is great to hear you a bit more positive, and feeling like this can all be accomplished. We are all here on this journey with you, to help and support as much as we can. Also hearing the way you talk about your daughter is truly wonderful, it warms my heart to hear it tbh. I hope that you both can learn and grow from this. I have faith you do.

Sending love and encouragement for this new journey

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my darlling el.  the support and encouragement are both appreciated and embraced.  it will all be good.

[Blueberry]

  san. What you write sounds as if things are fitting together well, as if the puzzle pieces are slotting together.

As a daughter with 'mother problems' reading this "...while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life." touches me in a good way.

san for feeling remorse, showing it to your daughter and making changes! It sounds as if so much good is coming out of that in both of your lives.  I'm really really happy for you.   I'd like to say 'Congratulations' too. Because I know the amount of hard work behind making these kinds of changes.

[sanmagic7]

you darling blueberry you.  that was so sweet, so touched my heart, what you said.  thank you so much. 

it does feel like the pieces are slotting into place.  this is an unexpected shift that has happened in the past week, and it's sticking in a good way, helping me to have my old faith back that whatever happens i'll deal with it. 

love and hugs back to you, dearie.  i wish you could find some satisfaction with your mom cuz i know how much you struggle with that relationship.  i wish she could see the beautiful daughter she has, like i see the beautiful being you are. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
You are a beautiful human being as well - I just wanted to say that.    to you.  I agree that Blueberry is also a beautiful human being, infact there are so many wonderful people here - it is heart-warming.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

right back atcha, hope - you belong in the beautiful being category as well.  thank you for that.  i completely agree with you, i have never encountered such a gathering of beauty as comprises this forum.  i see a garden of flowers here, growing, budding, and blossoming.  it's really lovely.

[sanmagic7]

still feeling pretty good, still no sugar.  i think this is day 4.  it's not healthy for me, it's not good for my body.  i have to keep remembering that and reminding myself.  my name is san and i'm a sugar addict.  this is my little addiction meeting for today.  one day at a time.  today i will not eat sweets.  thank you.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  it does feel like something worth celebrating.

so, today is the first day of a new month.  my name is san and i'm a sugar addict.  day 5 of no sugar.  thank you for your support.

yesterday, my d brought up the subject of her father, my ex, who i want nothing to do with.  it shook me to my core.  she brought him up because we'll be living together in a bit, and she wanted to know where i was at with him and her relationship with him.

*****  TW    *****   covert sexual abuse mentioned


i've told her years ago about him, his covert sexual attention to both her and her sister, as well as his misogyny and npd.  she has decided that she still wants a relationship with him, still talks to him regularly on the phone, but doesn't talk to me about any of it.  just her mention of him sent me reeling.

as we talked, we both agreed that there has been a lot of lies and deceit in our family, people lying about each other (mostly my d1 about me to d2 and their father, who opted to leave me on my own with it the whole time we were married).  however, he's also lied over and over about so much, allowed neg. assumptions to be made, and actually checked out of our family and what was going on for many years.

she and i have worked very hard to have a pos., strong relationship now, but the idea of her father has been a stumbling block.  she told me that she's already told him if he comes out here to visit her, he can't stay at our place.  i was glad of that, cuz i don't believe i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him.

she also acknowledged to me that she knows i haven't lied about what's gone on with him (i've also told her that i've double-checked on what i'd heard about him. confronted him. and that there was no denial of anything i brought to him).  yesterday, i told her that i don't trust him at all, and i'm afraid for her.

she reassured me that she has strong boundaries up and, to my relief, that she was ready to walk if any of those boundaries are overstepped.  i was very glad to hear that, because, as far as i know, he hasn't changed his sexual addiction stance, doesn't believe he has a problem, and hasn't done the work he's needed to change his perception of women (including his own daughters) as sexual beings/objects to lust over.

i told her that there was a time when both she and i were present and he made an inappropriate remark, and neither she nor i caught it.  i also told her that i will not refer to him as 'dad', haven't for awhile, because i don't believe a dad would act or speak that way about his daughters.  i would only acknowledge him as her father.

it was extremely upsetting, we both cried, i understand she doesn't want to lose her father in her life, but i think she knows that this is real, dangerous, and that i just want to protect her.   i believe we both felt better after talking it out, it was some of the stuff i've wanted to say to her about him, (besides just screaming about what a horrible person i think he is) and i believe she will be on the alert.

unfortunately, she's gotten used to emotionally distant men in her life thru him and the relationships she's been involved with.  hopefully, we'll be able to talk about that at some later date.  for now, tho, i think i've done all i can, and have to respect her decision to keep him in her life.  ugh, the thought of him anywhere near her makes my skin crawl. 

so, that's what i wrestled with yesterday, and it wasn't fun.  i think it's still triggering for me because those relationships with my daughters are still going on.  he and our oldest have their own pathetic dance they've been doing for many years, and there's nothing i can do about that except what i've done (she's the one i'm nc with).  i can only give it to the universe knowing i've done as much as i can.  it's horrible, tho.  i don't like it at all.

[sanmagic7]

day 6 of no sugar, and i feel good about that.  i want to keep writing this down - it's been such a struggle for me for so long, and these daily reminders help me stay on track.

also, i'm going to lunch with my d tomorrow, and that has inadvertently been a trigger to allow myself dessert.  however, as far as i can tell, i feel pretty strong about passing it up.  i hope i make it.

otherwise, walked again this morning, which also felt good.  i'm still feeling pretty strong and adventuresome, especially if i don't think about the details of the move too much.  the time will come when i'm immersed in it, and i think it's better to wait till then.  there will be enough anxiety to deal with when the packing starts.

gotta go get some papers together.  i want to see if i can transfer payments to a new checking acct.  both are gov't payments, and i dread the red tape and hoops to jump thru with that.  don't know if i'll be able to do it yet - last time i made a bank acct. change, it was a nightmare.  my d will be with me, and she's very competent with this kind of thing and with these people.  so, my faith is higher than otherwise.

[DecimalRocket]

Nice to hear that you're feeling stronger, San. It's so much easier to resist cravings when you feel stronger as I've experienced myself. You always sounded like a pretty adventurous and excitable person when you were younger, and I'm glad you got a taste of that again.

Hope you figure out those bills, San. I have no idea what you mean by red tape and hoops (though my curiosity will probably lead me to research it soon), but it does sound pretty complicated.

Keep the faith, San. Love you. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It's great that you're coped with Day 6 of your 'No sugar' plan, and well done for doing that.  I think it must be tough - I hope you enjoyed the lunch - and that Day 7 will be ok as well.   Good luck with it all.  You are doing really well.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hey dear,
I am sorry I didn't realize you had created a new diary!

It sounds like you and your d had a very difficult, but much needed conversation. It sounds as you two perhaps even got a stronger relationship out of it as well. It's good to hear she has strong boundaries and are ready to walk should they be trampled. And I can understand the worry you must feel for her. I think you've done what you can though, you've had an open and honest conversation with her about where you stand and what he is like. Which is wonderful of you!

I also want to applaud you on your sugar-resistance! And tell you that I have joined you in this battle. I'm only on my 3rd day though. But I know how much it sucks to be tempted and how hard it is to say no. But we can do this! I'm cheering you on! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r.

i get 2 payments from different gov't sources, directly deposited each month into a checking acct.  yesterday i went to a bank that's on the side of the country where i now live in order to create a new checking acct. and have those payments transferred.  the last time i did that, it took 3 hours, and trips to the various gov't agencies to set up the acct. and payments.

i was w/ my ex at the time, who i now know doesn't lift a finger to truly be in my corner, and i needed 3 cig breaks, buckets of tears, and calling him out on his crapola the times we went outside for the breaks.  it was horrible cuz i can't comprehend when loads of info is being pushed at me and the person is speaking really fast.  i had to depend on him to help me, and he's very reluctant to do anything on my behalf.  to say it was exceedingly stressful is one of the understatements of the century.

this time went more smoothly, even tho i wasn't able to get a credit card to begin establishing credit now that i'm here.  all those years in mexico took their toll in more than one area of my life.  while the bank person was very helpful, and my d was as well, it was frustrating to not be able to begin to establish credit, which we'll need for the move, for renting a car and a place to live.  i guess i was hoping against hope.  things have changed so much up here while i've been gone.

so, those are some of the hoops and red tape in dealing with any large financial institutions.  it purely sucks, and i don't know for sure what to do now, how it's going to work for my d and me.  feeling strong but a little hopeless right now.

thanks, hope.  day 6 went well, even with the lunch and my d offering to buy me ice cream after our lunch.  i resisted.  yay, me.

thanks for your affirmation about my talk with my d about her father, sceal. 

and, ms. sugar free, today is day 7 for me, and i'm feeling strong.  holding out a hand of support in a shared battle.  good for you!  i'm cheering you on, too     we can do this.  i am a sugar addict and it's not healthy for me to eat those tasty sugary sweets.  actually, they're poison to me, just like alc. and cigs.  don't need to enable this relationship anymore.

so, now the battle for a credit score begins.  i don't know exactly who in my life has good credit where maybe i could hitch a ride as an authorized user of one of their credit cards.  also asked at the bank about a secure credit card, which might help to start the credit spike.  so, i've done some homework on what i need to do.  and being on a fixed income doesn't help - there's been no leftovers to get me over any hump.  i'd already asked people for financial help just to get me moved up here and find a place to stay.  so, can't do that again.

somehow, it will work out.  i just have to have faith and trust the magic.  at least today i woke up with the strength to look at some of the info online, and thought, if this is how god will help me, than so be it.  that's better than it was, and i'm grateful for that.  i can't realistically expect a bag of money to fall at my feet.

in the meantime, i'm so very thankful for all of you.  you help give me this strength and the energy i need to keep moving forward.  love you all.