ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Deep Blue]

Oh San,
I'm so sorry.  So glad you are getting out of that place. 
I don't think you are too sensitive.  I hate when people say that.  People say that to me and I have literally cried once in 3 years! My emotions are shutdown most of the time, and people still say it. 
Good for you to stick up for yourself  don't let the IC tell you otherwise
  to you

[Sceal]

 

I hope you'll be able to get some air later today. It's alot to deal with. So glad you're getting out of there soon!

[sanmagic7]

the walk didn't happen today, but i'm thinking tomorrow morning might work.  i just want to isolate in my room right now.  thanks, el, for all your well wishes.

blueberry, i believe that quote is absolutely right on.  i haven't believed people in the past, men especially, always thinking that they're just putting themselves down for the moment, and that it wasn't their true nature they were talking about.  thank you also for the support about at least giving this a shot.  it really has done me good in many ways, and i'm grateful for that, but, yeah, looks like it will go no farther.

at least i got my wish about 'getting some' before i died.  smiling now.  he did give me that, and it pulled a lot of my shattered woman pieces back together for me, made me feel desirable again, and i'm really glad of that.  has re-vitalized my spirit, and i'm ready to take this move on with a lot more vigor, a lot less trepidation.  so that's a good thing, too.

sceal, loved that hug - felt you just pulled me in and embraced me and was so very welcome to feel that. 

deep blue, thanks so much for that support.  i hate that sensitivity thing, have heard it all my life, starting with my dad when i was quite young.  i know in my heart i'd rather be sensitive than not.  and i hear ya about not being emotional for the most part.  but, things like negativity really get under my skin and cause me all sorts of inner turmoil.

i told my d about this, told her i'm now counting the days, and she felt bad, too, that that happened.  i said i know she and i won't have that kind of drama, and she agreed completely.  she doesn't do well with neg. either.  everyone's been asking me to stay here, and to have her move in as well (one of the other people moved out last month).  when i told her, my d voiced an adamant 'no way!'  she said she couldn't stand the intrusiveness, either.

happily, the ll will be gone for a week, and that should give me a breather.  my d and i are also traveling to look at rentals this weekend, so it'll be nice to get outta dodge for a couple days, too.  and today ll, who is now hurting for money, asked me for the extra money for next month. 

i don't know about this.  i signed the contract at the beginning for first and last month's rent at a certain amt.  7 mos. into it, she raised the rent a goodly amount.  there was nothing signed that i remember that said this would have any bearing on the original amt. of the orig. contract.  i

i told her i didn't know, still had a bunch of doc bills to pay.  i guess, if it comes down to it, it'll be taken out of my sec. deposit.  i just don't have extra money right now.  everything is going for the move.  the timing was all wrong, right on top of everything else.  frazzled all over again.  i hate this crapola.

this, too, shall pass.  just make it thru today.  love and hugs to you all, and thanks again.   i just don't have the energy to walk right now - this has drained it out of me.  hopefully, i'll be able to walk in the morning.  right now it just seems like too much.  dang, just when i was feeling so much better.  o, i can use this right now, cuz it's what it feels like 

[Sceal]

it seems you could need some time at the healing porch? With something soothing to drink, and some good company. Or just peaceful breeze.

I'm guessing your ll is stressing about money because she's going away. But that isn't your problem. You didn't decide for her to take her trip, she is responsible for that herself. I'd go with what stays in the contract if you can hold it out until you move out. Like you say, you got medical bills.

I too hope you'll be able to get enough energy to go for a walk tomorrow morning. 

[Blueberry]

Nope, no rent in advance for your ll! What's she taking/smoking? 

Rather glad I'm in a country where tenant rights seem to be taking more seriously.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, you're right that she's brought on a lot of this herself.  her trip is work-related - she is a caregiver for the elderly, and is going with a client to visit their daughter.  still.  i will wait till the 1st of the month, see if i can negotiate half of what she wants - it would help. 

i was so frazzled i didn't even think of the porch.  thanks for that.  i was able to go for a walk yesterday, felt good about it.  today i'm just tired, so, yes, i'll be visiting the porch for the rest of the day.

blueberry, i just love your 'fight'.  you made me laugh!  thank you so much for that.

an update:  he and i had a good talk yesterday, things are way smoother, more fun again, and i think it will work out the best for both of us.  yay. 

ll is gone, and the 3 of us roomies stayed up late last night and played, laughed, and just had so much fun.  the tension in the house is now non-existent.  both of them asked again for me to stay, not to leave them, and i emphasized that i wasn't leaving them, just leaving the house.  i really don't want to live under this suffocating tension and negativity anymore.  it was so bad the other day that i resorted to xanax, which helped greatly.  still, i don't like doing that, but i was going under.

anyway, going to look for a place to rent this weekend.  excited about that.  i'm expecting that me and my d will have a great time.  and, off to the porch.  i'm very tired.

[Deep Blue]

San,
I'm so glad you are getting out of that place.  Walking on eggshells is no way to live.  I have spent much of my life doing it and I am certain it impedes progress. 

Glad that you talked with him and the fun is coming back 

I may come to the porch and hang with you for a bit if you don't mind.  I'm feeling a little triggered tonight.
Best wishes
-Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, absolutely agree with you.  without her around just in one day, there is a palpable difference in how this place feels, how the rest of us feel.  so very carefree, it's ridiculous.

i'll be out of town for 2 days.  my d and i are going to look at poss. places to live.  wish us luck.  it'll be a tiring but fun trip.  i'll let you know what happens.  love and hugs all around.

[Sceal]

Glad to hear that you had a good and enjoyable evening with the other tenants, and that you cleared up the air with the Mr. 

Hope you have a wonderful week-end with your daughter, and that you find a suitable place for the two of you! 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you luck with your search for somewhere new to live - hope that you find the perfect place.  Or at least a 'lovely and good enough place' - as I doubt there is really a perfect place.  But you know what I mean, I hope.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal.  my d and i actually had a great time, found the house of her dreams in the location of her dreams.  i couldn't be happier for her - she's worked so long and so hard on this, overcome so many obstacles and setbacks, and it's taken 15 yrs., but she did it.  my prayers were answered.

hope, actually it turned out to be the perfect house,  truly perfect.  my d moved out here because she loves the trees and the ocean, but trees are her first love and were a priority.  the house is the largest one either of us have ever lived in, lots of rooms (we'll be able to have space to actually hold workshops at home, each in our respective fields), the forest as our backyard, and the sound of the ocean (only 2 1/2 blocks away) to sing us to sleep each night.  it's her dream.

other than hearing from the agent that the house was indeed ours to lease, my d telling me that even if we can only afford to stay there a year, she's satisfied that she achieved her dream, the one she's been working on for 15 yrs.  i can't tell you how my heart gave a sigh of relief, settled right down and just felt good.  i'm feeling happy on so many levels now that i can hardly bear it.  it's the best.

prayers have been answered.  that is absolutely true.  in the hotel room, after spending the day looking at place after place, i asked her again if she still wanted me along, that this was her dream quest and i'd be willing to stay where i am, leave her with the money i'd put into the savings for this, and let her do it on her own if that's what she really wanted.

she said that she knew she could now do it on her own, but she didn't want to.  well, you can only imagine how my mother's heart leapt for joy upon hearing that!  and the next day we went to several more places with no good results, and we landed at 'the house', which we'd already checked out on our own, but couldn't be accepted for without a walk-thru. 

it's so much bigger than we expected, and when we walked into the master bedroom, she immediately walked up to the window and plastered herself against it.  just outside is a forest of huge trees, nearly brushing against the windowpane.  she was in love and her entire being showed it.  i was in heaven just seeing that reaction.

so, yes, hope, it is perfect, located perfectly, and we will enjoy the crapola out of it perfectly.  doesn't seem real yet - probably not till we actually get keys and begin piling our stuff inside.  but wow!  what a trip!

so, i'm exhausted now, gotta go nap.  thank you all for your well wishes and happiness for me  that just adds to this experience in a very special way. 

[Elphanigh]

 

I could not be happier than I am to hear all this good news! You and your d both deserve this so much, and I am glad you are going to get it  so excited for you!

I hope you are in fact getting that nap

[Deep Blue]

It sounds wonderful.  I'm so happy for you and your d. You deserve it

[sanmagic7]

thanks el and deep blue.  your happiness for me and d just adds loads to how good i already feel.  i don't know that i've ever felt like this.  really.  contentment to my soul. 

you all are the best.  it amazes me that with everything people here are going thru, they still have a piece of them that can enjoy the good that befalls on of us.  you are truly special people, even if you don't know it.  i am blessed to have found this place and all of you.

it just reminded me of a girlfriend, best friend, that i've eliminated nearly 2 yrs. ago, who could never have been happy for me with this.  yes, she's got c-ptsd as well, has been severely wounded, but instead of such a show of happiness, she'd find ways to be jealous or envious instead.  thank you all for not being like her.  you are gifts to me, beautiful gifts.

[Elphanigh]

San,

I am always so grateful we can celebrate thwse good moments as well as help hold each other up in the nad moments  This place is special, and I am so thankful you are a part of it