ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

day 9, still going strong.  feeling good about it, feeling more hopeful about the move.  we're attempting to do something in 4-5 mos. that should've taken us a year.  well, my d is strong, too, and if any 2 women can do this, it is she and i.  she has become so wise, so resourceful it still sometimes smacks me in the face if i underestimate her.  she is a warrior of the best kind.

did too much physically yesterday, so i've gotta take the day off.  going to the porch later - have begun knitting an afghan for our new place.  i'll rock and knit and enjoy anyone who's on the porch.  it'll be nice to have some company.

[sanmagic7]

day 10,  i am a sugar addict, and i'm taking this one day at a time.  thank you for being here.  it helps me remind myself why i'm doing this, and also adds to my strength to resist the cravings/habit.

i'm been doing some thinking about the future, feeling my own sense of strength coming back, wanting to do something that will add to our (my d and i) new household.  i used to create and present workshops on various themes, and i believe i'm going to give that a shot again.  don't know how successful it might be, but won't know till i try it.

so, i've got some ideas swirling around my head, and they make me smile.  it's feeling like i'm finally returning.  i think my move to here and my future move to there have been exactly what i've needed.  funny, how we never can tell what's around the corner until we actually turn it.  i didn't expect any of this to be happening, i just knew i had to get away from a bad situation in mexico. 

even tho it's been a pretty rough 8 mos., something magical is happening.  i'm coming back to me.  it feels like home.

[Sceal]

  That is wonderful to hear, San!
Keep it up!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sceal.  if at all possible, i intend to.

day 11 - no sugar.  thank you for being here.  i'm feeling, what, a little pride in myself right now?  whoa!

that shift is still sticking with me.  i'm feeling pretty good.  am still knitting my afghan squares in the evening.  i'm glad of that.  have been walking regularly lately.  eating is so-so, but no sugar.  that's my main focus right now. 

all in all, i'm pleased with what i see myself doing and abstaining from.  glad to be here (and it's been a while since i've been able to put that sentiment into words.)

[Elphanigh]

Stopping by to semd hugs and cheer for all the positivity! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  day 12 - i'm a sugar addict on an abstinence campaign.  still holding steady. 

this med. stuff still makes me nutso.  got a bill the other day, looked like it didn't get paid by medicare, i was livid.  told my d i was done w/ all the doc stuff, don't want it anymore except to stop in every 3 mos. to get my sleep meds scrip.  decided to call to arrange an appeal, and i looked at the bill more closely while talking to the person at the other end. 

someone had put the charges in the wrong column, and that's what i'd seen as having to be paid.  i was so embarrassed, apologized for taking up this person's time (she could hear that i'd gotten frizzed, told me to take a few breaths), got off the phone and burst into tears.  too much emotion is still not good for me - i just can't manage it very well.

so, glad i don't have to pay what i thought, but dang, i'm completely drained now.  i didn't realize how i'd been holding all that stress in till it came pouring out.  i'm so sick of this.  but i walked this morning, so that's good.  it's been pretty regular lately and feels great, actually.  the spring peeper frogs are all in chorus before dawn, which is when i try to get out there.  they are so fun to hear. 

smiling now thinking about them.  one more time . . .

[Blueberry]

Holding back our feelings is exhausting, totally!

Hey somebody else made a mistake and put the figures in the wrong column, no need for you to be embarrassed! No need to explain why to me either, but just saying. Anyway sounds as if the person took it OK by suggesting you take a few breaths.

The morning walks sound good with the peeper frogs.  And day 12 of abstinence. Way to go, yay you!!   

[Sceal]

Hi San!

You've done alot lately. Resisting temptations everyday is a sure way to become more easily emotional, as it's such a hard job to do. And then this thing with financials? That is also such a hard and worrying thing! It's no wonder you got upset and stressed over it. And like Blueberry says, it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Infact, you did exactly the right thing - you called them and asked what's going on with your bill. That's more than what I could have done.
It shows strength!

I am glad that thinking of the frogs is making you smile. And it's wonderful that you're keeping up going for walks. It's good for the soul, the mind, the body - everything!
meanwhile, I'll sit here next to you, during the moments of stress.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry and sceal, you sweet things.  thanks for the support and encouragement.

that whole thing hit me harder than i expected - was an emotional mess all day.  on top of it, my ll decided that since my door was open a crack that she could come in waving my mail before i could respond, wipe the tears from my eyes, and let her know it was ok.  she doesn't give a crapola, the most intrusive person i've ever known.  no one else in this house does anything like that. 

it felt like the straw that broke my camel's back.  i cried off and on the rest of the day, holed up in my room.  just yesterday we were dancing together in the living room with her son looking on (he's 52 and my partner to go to the food pantry twice a month) and we're all smiling and laughing and then someone made a remark and a made a wise crack to it and she said i was silly.

for some reason, being called silly sounds like a put-down, an invalidation of some sort.  i said something about it and she argued, then changed it to playful, but i've heard her call other people in the house 'silly', as in 'that's just silly' cuz of their own beliefs about something.  the word 'playful' wouldn't have fit there at all.

so, now i'm done with her.  her son was right when he told me that no one could have a conversation with her, that she lives in a delusional world of her own.  also a traumatic childhood in her background, but still.  no need to be so judgmental (i'd once told her she was cuz of some of her complaints of the others). 

and, being so upset when i went to sleep, i've been up since midnight cuz of a nightmare, one of those that when i closed my eyes i could continue seeing he images, so i had to get up, play on here till they'll finally go away.  the rest of this household i get along with just fine, but she feels like she's just watching everything and everyone all the time, and it's gotten unnerving.  i'll be very glad to get out of here.

it's been 4 hrs., if i close my eyes i can still see the images.  it was not a good one.  don't know what it means, don't know why that phone call was so upsetting, couldn't even concentrate enough to figure out what triggered me like that.   maybe just the whole doc/health thing that keeps biting me in the butt every time i turn around.  i'm working my brain to death trying to get everything in order.  ugh and double ugh.

ok, enough ranting.  felt good to get it out, tho. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, just wanted to give a little hug. All I could do today. 

[sanmagic7]

it was plenty, sweetie.  thank you for that.

day whatever, still no sugary sweets.  don't have any in the house, so that helps, and can't afford to buy any, so that helps, too. the more days under my belt, and me acknowledging them, seems to give me strength for this.  plus, i'd hate to write here that i caved.  too many emotions around that i suspect, all of them negative.  ultimately, it would be because i'm human, but i think i'd feel very ashamed, like i let people down (i'm so outward focused sometimes, i hate it), angry with myself, sad, self-hate,  oooh, there's one that doesn't come up very often.

so, basically, it's easier for me to abstain cuz those emotions would be very stressful to contend with, and i'm basically wanting to live as stress-free as possible.  bringing on the stress myself would be terribly self-defeating.

i walked over to the son yesterday, asked him for a hug.  he was very kind about it, told me he could give me as many hugs as i needed.  later, i did a body scan to see if i felt anything sexual in it, but i didn't.  i was glad of that.  it made me feel like he's a safe place for something like that. 

we do josh around a lot, but i work at not being too provocative or flirty.  so far i think we've established a sort of friendship, and i like that.  i am flirty by nature with everyone, but i don't think this would be a good idea.  sneaking around in this house, i don't think i need that kind of excitement.  i guess i don't want to go any further with this at this time.

so, i'm still feeling drained, just have to wait this out, stay away from her as much as possible, which is its own kind of stress.  i'll come around eventually, just more careful to keep my door firmly closed from here on in.  one time she told me she didn't like that cuz i'm rarely ever gone, and she hates that the cat doesn't have access to the room if he wants.

yeah, that's the kind of stupid crap i'm contending with.   fluck the cat.  i'm not caring too much about her rules now, either.  i'm just waiting, biding my time, till i don't have to deal with her anymore.  so, that's where i'm at today.  waiting till the funk rises and it's feeling more clear again.  i'm still remembering the nightmare images, but i can push them away pretty quickly.  still, i don't like that i can still remember them.  i wish they'd be gone by now.

[Elphanigh]

San, this is all a lot to contend with but you are taking it in so well. Focusing on healing and checking in on yourself, I am proud of you for that. It is an inspiration to me to see you so determined, especially with the sugar addict things. However know that you will never disappoint me or anyone here if you don't keep the solid streak. We are all here for your authentic journey, and not here to judge.

Sending you warm hugs and lots of compassion  When you get stressed try to remember that earth mother spirit is always with you. She exudes calm and peace for all of us. You can curl up in her voluminous skirts and bevome part of that peace and calm. It gives new found energy and freedom from the images that you are still seeing as well as just a sense of calm and safety.

The colors in her skirt are beautiful and evoke small feelings of joy, just because of how we perceive beauty in this sense. Really enjoy seeing her in visualization if you can to replace the bad images

[sanmagic7]

el, you are brilliant and wise.  what a good idea, to visualize ems and her skirts and the colors.  actually, the images had gone till i read about them, but only if i purposefully try to remember them now.  they'll eventually be gone for good.

day 14, no sugary sweets.  i'm still a sugar addict, but now i've got 2 weeks under my belt.  i can also acknowledge that my body is thanking me for this.  it doesn't need them, doesn't respond well to them.  i really don't want any more abusive relationships in my life.  and this is surely one that i may be ready to do without now.  we'll see.

keeping my distance from la landlady, speaking very little.  she's someone who has issues but refuses to look at them, has built her own world where she's ok.  one of the tenants is moving out next mo. cuz he couldn't take her anymore.  he told her to her face that no one here liked her.  i'm sure she doesn't believe it, let alone want to explore it.

anyway, none of my concern.  i walked today, which is a victory i can claim.  saw trilliums blooming in a little woodsy place i sometimes walk thru - they're some of my favorite flowers in their pure simplicity.  white ones are my favorites.  feeling better today, a bit more back to my stronger self. 

looking forward to moving.  i hope she kept my crates like she said she would.  they will also double as furniture for me when i move - i used them as such in mexico.  it will be good to get out of here, move on to another beginning.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad that helped, San  Visualisations have helped me a bunch so picturing ems is what came to mind instinctually

[DecimalRocket]

Nice to hear that you're still going strong with stopping your sugar addiction. The longer you do it, the longer I expect you to last.

It's nice for you to appreciate the beauty of flowers like that. I've drawn some before, and it's nice to see how it looks. I guess it's another perspective to see the world than just think about it — a type of observation and study of the world that lies in its detail to me.

Besides, they almost smell as good as bacon. Damn, to almost rival bacon. That must be something. Then I'll add rice, because damn rice goes well even with American food. 

Love  you San.