ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Andyman73]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the  andy - back atcha.

deep blue, the fear is definitely something i will be exploring.  i don't like being yelled at for making a mistake, nor do i like being yelled at because i said something that interfered with a routine.  i can be told what's going on, and make changes.

as far as my body goes, i don't know where the fear is.  i do know that when these yowls went on, the tension, the neg. vibes hit me like a force, - ok, i'm feeling it in my gut right now as i write, so it must be something visceral, dangerous - and now the tears just welled up, so that hit a sensitive spot.  i'm in danger.

not of being physically hit, but emotionally hit, mentally hit which makes my mind go haywire.  in the house where i used to live, even vocal arguments between 2 others that had nothing to do with me could send me into a tailspin.  i ran for the xanax just to untangle my head.

i just want someone who will be kind and patient with me, not fly off the handle at any interruption, or judged because what i'm doing and why doesn't make sense to the other person.  i've gotten rid of so many people in the past few years because they didn't/couldn't do that for me, and i would love this chance one more time to fill some of that void.

basically, i have my d in my life who does that for me right now.  she's the only one.  she and i got into a bit of a scrap the other night, and she went to her room, talked it over with a friend.  she knows my history, told her friend some of it, and mentioned how many times i thank my d for being patient with me.

my d has a hard time understanding this cuz she doesn't see it as being patient at all.  it's just how she likes to treat people.  she also knows (because i've thanked her for her patience many times over many years) that her sister was very quick to snap at me, very quick to judge me, very quick verbally to hinder my own thinking and communication.   dang, is there a connection here?

must be, because here come the tears again.  anyway, after my d and i got together to discuss what happened, she told me her friend said that i may be very defensive right now, and it'll take time for me to get used to an environment where that kind of stuff isn't going to happen.  full out crying now.  i welled up with tears after she said that the other night, too - it was as if someone had actually seen me and acknowledged what i've been thru.

i'm so strong, can be intimidating, most of the time, that people would never guess how truly vulnerable i am, how really sensitive i am about these things, how wounded i am because of all those years of abuse.  rarely am i seen that way cuz i've been hurt so often, wasn't able to feel or acknowledge it, so it just all got put away inside.

which left an exterior of sassy, smart-mouth, i can take anything you can dish out facade that crumbles under the pressure of neg. vibes anywhere near me.  so, the fear is that i'm too damaged for this to work, that i can't expect him to put up with this cuz it's stuff he doesn't like.  actually, the other day on the phone, he admitted that one time when i did crumble, he got scared.

we've got 2 damaged, wounded people here who need all the kindness they can get, but i don't know if we can pull it off.  i haven't found a man yet who has had the cajones to do the hard work, face the truths, even tho he saw me doing it in front of his eyes.  like, it was ok for me to go thru the healing process, but not for him.

and, because now the mr. has decided he wants me back in his life, i don't quite know how far he's willing to really go.  it feels like it's my last chance.  us living in separate places, only seeing each other once a month or so would be ideal, really, cuz we're both pretty set in our ways at this point.  but i've got this crapola that jumps on my head, and i don't know if he wants to deal with it.  i guess i'll have to ask him.

deep blue, you really know how to ask a question.  thank you, sweetie.  this seems like the first time i don't feel the same strength in a relationship that i've felt in the past, no matter how horrible they've been.  i've always been without fear before.  now it's with me, and i'm feeling handcuffed by it.  wg once asked if it was worth it to have emotions, to fight to get them.  this is one time i wish i didn't, even tho i've been fighting for them for nearly 2 yrs. 

i still don't know how to be afraid very well. 

[Deep Blue]

 
That was excellent exploration San.  I really do understand how others perceive you, people perceive me the same way too.

Even my T this week said... I know you are struggling, you haven't even made a snarky comment to me today.  I'm a bit snarky with her.

People don't know the chaos that can exist in our minds.  They don't know the path we have walked.  Rest assured, that though our traumas may be different, we have similar ways of dealing with it.  Sending you a strong hug sweetie.  Much love to you always

[Sceal]

Darling San,
I am sorry that you're struggling with so many emotions right now, and that the confusion and the hurt is in the foreground these days. You've been through alot. But in spite of all that, you're such a wonderful woman. So caring, and daring to be vulnerable. You're filled with warmth, and support. I'm so happy that I've come across you.
It takes time to lower those shoulders, to find out that you are okay and safe in your new home. That the conflicts with you d in your new home will occur, as they will always occur whenever someone lives together. But you are doing a really important thing, you are both keeping up communication once you've calmed down. That in and of itself is pretty brilliant, not everyone is able to do that. 

While you are both trying to find your bearing, I'll happily invite you over for a cup of tea.

[sanmagic7]

deep blue and sceal, your kindness, affection, caring, and warming words affected me more than you'll ever know.  you help in ways that go so deep, delve under the wounds and help heal them from the inside out.  that's a gift you both have, and i feel full and whole on receiving it.

both of you called me by terms of endearment - sweetie, and darling - of which a few others have done (you know who you are, and, really, that warms my heart like nothing else) and it was like you took a baby bird in your hands and gently, carefully, began nursing it back to health.  that's how those terms of endearment feel to me.  like you're not afraid of me but see the vulnerable wounded part of me and are so loving toward me, which is, to me, our most basic cure - love.

so, again, many thanks for that.  it touched my heart with a profound sense of beauty.  it's 5:30 a.m. and you already made my day.

as far as the mr. (thank you, sceal) goes, and my fear. last nite i broke thru.  as i was getting ready to go to bed, it occurred to me - i know who i am, i am sassy and smart, i can hold my own with anyone (done it many times) and the fear left.  then, i woke up at 2 cuz my back hurt, and decided to call him while the advil was working.  he works 12-hr. shifts as a big rig driver, so he has a lot of free time when there aren't any loads to move.  he's invited me to call him anytime if i'm up during the night - when we lived in the same house, he knew that most days i was up very early.

so, i called, put my best sassy self out there, and it was all good.  i told him i couldn't sleep cuz of my back, and decided i'd call and either annoy him or shine some light on his night.  he said it was definitely shining a light to hear from me.

we talked for nearly 2 hrs.  things were discussed, we laughed, i told him if he wanted to be a jerk to do it with his other friends cuz i bloomed under kindness, and he had no prob. with that.  i told him that until my d gets comfy with her mom being sexual, she didn't want him to spend the night, and i was going to respect that, that it wouldn't be forever, but would be for a while.  he didn't put up a stink,  which i was nervous about, but accepted that.

then we talked a bit about logic and emotion, and he mentioned that as much as he loves logic, he also has a very emotional side, and he believes that his logic got in the way of his emotions when we were together at the house.  told me that he kept thinking that what was happening wasn't real, couldn't be real, and he got scared.  so, everything blew up.

i told him it was real, it was true, then i asked if he'd be willing to talk about that kind of stuff in the future when it was going on, and he said he'd be willing to give it a shot.  so far so good.  we'll see on that, but i thought it progress that he'd admit to it.  we both ended up smiling.  before he left to get ready to leave work, he told me to call again tonite if i was up.  he sounds very, very happy to have me in his life, especially since i'm now away from that house and his mother.

so, i thought it was a productive conversation, but i'm still on the 'we'll see' waiting list.  it really would be nice, and he loves nature, is a biologist by education, so he's also knowledgeable about the flora and fauna in this part of the country, which is pretty foreign to me.  he's still not drinking, and doing really well with that, so i'm glad.  i'm ok right now, and that feels good.

[Deep Blue]

May I just say that I love sassy San? So many layers and I love them all  to each part of you.

[Sceal]

I'm so happy that you concluded that you do know yourself, and that the mr. shouldn't rock that boat. He'll just have to accept you for who you, all of you, or not at all. It's his choice, and you're not going to change for him. I'm glad you told him that this is the way you are. And I'm glad you also told him that you need support and love and endearments, not critisism and complaint - that's stuff he can take up with others.  And happy he understood!

[sanmagic7]

hey, deep blue, i love sassy san, too.  she's spunky, a trait that i've admired since i read 'alice in wonderland' when i was a little girl.  thanks for all the hugs - love them as well.

sceal, thanks for the support.  i seem to be noticing a pattern, one which i've seen in myself for quite a few years.  i get to a place of near despair, begin wallowing in it, then something snaps and i'm able to pick myself up out of it and take some pos. action.  it's happened several times in my life when i've been brought to my knees by someone or some situation. 

it must be a survival spirit or something, cuz it's happened at the lowest of times. often when i believed i couldn't go on, and even began taking steps not to.  but, something always came along, either in my mind or my environment, and i got back up.  don't know quite how, but i guess it wasn't my turn to drown that day.

so, he and i have been chatting quite often, and i'm feeling more stable.  he's been good at reassurances even when i haven't asked, so that's been a nice bonus.  he's planning to come see me next week.  i'm a little giddy, already planning what i want to wear.  high school much?   lol!

but, it's fun.  so far.  i've been able to speak up, talk back, tell him to knock it off if it's something i don't like.  still in the we'll see stage.  this could be lovely, or blow up in my face.  but then, what couldn't be like that?  just givin' it a shot, see what happens. 

happily, too, my d and i are getting along well.  feels like we're getting closer.  she's protective of me and has a wonderful perspective on what might happen if my mind goes and i forget who she is (which we were even told by the cable guy not to let that happen) - she says she'll just greet me every morning, introduce herself, ask what i'd like to do that day.  very lighthearted, carefree.  that's also reassuring to hear that she won't be freaked out by it.

so, lots of stuff still to do, but we've now been here 3 weeks, lovin' it all.  today is a walk to the library to get copies of our workshop flyers made.  tomorrow we're going on a new adventure - a bus ride to the next biggest city down the coast.  we want to put flyers in the college there, possibly the community ctr., places like that.  kind of exciting.  we're both looking forward to it.

in the meantime, my room is beginning to look like my room, finally.  mostly unpacked.  we're feeling safe here,  and more than satisfied with our location.  i'm pretty happy all the way around.  that's a nice change.

[Blueberry]

  on feeling safe and happy and onmoving forwards irl e.g. unpacking and following thru with workshop prep.   

[Deep Blue]

You deserve happiness San.  I'm glad that things are going well with your d, the mr and with the new place.

often when i believed i couldn't go on, and even began taking steps not to.  but, something always came along, either in my mind or my environment, and i got back up.  don't know quite how, but i guess it wasn't my turn to drown that day.

I've read and reread this part of your entry tonight.  It's giving me some strength to keep fighting.  I'm hoping it's not my turn to drown yet either.

Love to you sweetie
Deep Blue 

[Hope67]

so, he and i have been chatting quite often, and i'm feeling more stable.  he's been good at reassurances even when i haven't asked, so that's been a nice bonus.  he's planning to come see me next week.  i'm a little giddy, already planning what i want to wear.  high school much?   lol!

but, it's fun.  so far.  i've been able to speak up, talk back, tell him to knock it off if it's something i don't like.  still in the we'll see stage.  this could be lovely, or blow up in my face.  but then, what couldn't be like that?  just givin' it a shot, see what happens. 

happily, too, my d and i are getting along well.  feels like we're getting closer.  she's protective of me and has a wonderful perspective on what might happen if my mind goes and i forget who she is (which we were even told by the cable guy not to let that happen) - she says she'll just greet me every morning, introduce herself, ask what i'd like to do that day.  very lighthearted, carefree.  that's also reassuring to hear that she won't be freaked out by it.

Hi SanMagic,
Such positive things, and I'm really happy for you.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks for the encouragement.  really appreciated. 

deep blue, i'm so glad you were able to tough it out thru a rough few days.  you're sounding stronger.  this is why we're here, isn't it - to help provide safety nets for each other.   i know i've gotten plenty from others here.  definitely lifesavers.

hope, thanks for your happiness for me.  it's so nice to be surrounded by people who are glad when something goes right for someone else instead of being jealous and/or bitter.  what a nice change.

a friend just went thru a messy divorce, and afterwards she phoned her ex and read him the riot act, just blasted him for hours over a period of 3 days.  she said she got everything out and feels so much better for it.

it got me to wondering.  i've confronted hubs 1 and 3, got a lot of crap out that i was holding inside, but have never done that for hub 2.  at the time stuff blew up, i mentioned wanting to do that, but hub 3 talked me out of it.  now i wonder if that had been a mistake.

i read about someone else here who confronted an abuser, did it honestly, in a non-toxic manner.  i have so much anger and hatred toward my ex, and unfortunately, no amount of pounding or writing has changed that.  i'm thinking that i need to hear a true, heartfelt apology from him for what he's done ( he's made many apologies, i call them faux apologies, because he's never actually held himself accountable for what he did, never showed remorse for doing it, would say 'i'm sorry you're feeling that way' kind of thing.   

so, i'm wondering if i need to blast him personally (well, via email or over the phone), confront him.  he's been the one i've protected the most - our whole family has - out of either keeping his fragile ego intact or fear of what he might do in reciprocation.   he has always hated himself to his depths, and i've always tried to ease that for him.

but i'm suffering, continuing to suffer in my mind cuz of not just letting him have it straight from the hip.  besides being a narcissistic misogynist and all that has entailed, he's also a sex addict that has never admitted to having a problem which had spilled over into our marriage and to our daughters.   he's been in therapy for years, but has never admitted his true persona to any of the therapists.  like he told me 'i'm a great liar'.

this just keeps scraping a thorn across my innards, so i know it's not helping me to keep it in.  hub 3 told me, when i first brought this up a few years ago - why do you want to tear the guy to shreds?  what good will that do?'  i certainly did and didn't want to tear him to shreds - part of me wanted him to suffer as he made me suffer, but part of me does not want to willfully hurt someone.

so, a quandary for right now.  any thoughts are appreciated.  i don't know if i can be honest while staying non-toxic, tho.  the anger and hatred are running pretty deep, and it's been 2 1/2 yrs. since i last had contact with him.  i just don't know.

on top of that it occurred to me that the mr. is coming to visit next week, and it will probably be on one of the days my hub normally calls.  so, this is now gonna get sticky.  my hub has told me several times that if i could find a man to take care of me he'd be really happy about it.  ok,  that's good.

but, i also know that he's in a very bad place, was shattered when i left, and i'm a big part of him hanging on.  i know he's not my responsibility, but i feel that it's important to be there for him, and i want to do that for him as well.  he's a good guy, did his best for many years taking care of his sick wife, but it just didn't work out in the end.  i guess i feel beholden to him cuz we both saved each others' live (he was a junkie for 30 yrs. got into recovery and stayed sober in order to make a life with me).  it makes for a very strong bond.

funnily enough, the mr. has also quit drinking cuz he wants me in his life - that was his initial reason for stopping - i'd told him that i didn't drink, was in recovery, and i didn't do drunk anymore.  he's got about 3 mos. sober now, and i'm even hearing him speak to being a wino and an alcoholic, so he's taking it seriously, seeing his behaviors for what they really were.  that's a good thing.

anyway, i'm seeing a future of excuses to my hub as to why i can't take his calls all the time on our designated days.  don't know quite how to deal with that one yet, either.  little bit of a mind-gluck i'm putting myself thru right now.  always something.

[kdke]

Hi, San~

I can relate so much to the feeling of wanting someone to suffer as much as you have, but not wanting to actually cause injury. I dealt with something similar towards the end of living with my ex-roommates (who will forever remain exes, no matter what happens). It was a terrible situation where I was fighting with one of them (Emily), then decided I wasn't going to take it anymore and went to my best friend's place for a week.

Well... Emily didn't like this at all and went on a tirade off and on during my absence, freaking out at home and sending me toxic messages; telling me she didn't even care enough about me anymore to resent me, to saying that she only felt the way she did because of my actions and my "irrational narratives." Pretty much showing her true colors of someone who has no control over her emotions and can't take responsibility for her choices.

It eventually all came to head after almost another week, at which point we all just had to compromise and try to get along. But once I got back into school, I had a horrible rage build up inside me as time went on. I felt so wronged, so injured by Emily, that I wanted her to know how it felt. Lucky for me, I have a very patient and empathetic college counselor who listened to me rage about Emily for almost half an hour lol! "I wanna go home and burn everything she cares about! I hate her!" So on and so forth.

As I kept talking about it, I started to acknowledge my own hand in the situation, and then came up with a realization: I had to be willing to move forward and know I can only find catharsis in talking about it with other people. There's no point in me talking to Emily about it because it would just turn into two monkies flinging dung at each other lol. We got too much beef, too many hurt feelings, and like I said--she is in a place where she can't be asked to own her choices. She's always a victim, and she would expect me to take it or leave it. So I leave it, and I leave her. For good. Good riddance.

In that, too, did I need to understand that I wasn't someone who could be a helpful friend to her no matter how much I tried; because in some ways, her and my anxieties manifest in the same ways, and therefore we just end up amplifying each other's struggles. Estas tre malbona. That and we trigger each other horribly due to our different perspectives, our life choices, and even our relationship choices. It's futile, and that's something I've also had to come to terms with.

I still feel resentful, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I know my stress levels are high right now, though, because I keep having dreams of telling her off lol! My shadow craves revenge, but dreaming about it is as close as she'll ever get. I have to move on, acknowledge that it was a cruddy time with lots of cruddy decisions, and learn from it. I may always feel some hurt and anger over it, but I wonder if it's kind of like grief in a way, because that time in my life was pretty traumatic for everyone involved. So like grief, I wonder if the pain never truly goes away, it just gets easier to manage.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet San,
If confronting hub #2 is what you need to do to get some of that toxicity out of you... do it! 

My suggestion would be to write him a letter.  You can rewrite it as many times as you like, and you don't have to send it if you change your mind.

You are not going to believe this but as I am typing, a butterfly just landed on my knee.  I think it's a sign San! The universe says you need to heal yourself in order to fly.  You got this butterfly 

[Sceal]

Hi San, I'm sorry I haven't commented so often recently. But I've been reading.

I think that you need to find out what you need to do for you. If it aligns with your true values to confront no.2, and you believe that it will help you diminish the rage and hurt that you feel - then I also would suggest that you do so. You can write letters and e-mails to him, without sending it and re-read them and see if what you're writing is coming from your core and not anger (I mean this in the sense that quite often we all have tendencies to say mean and ugly things we do not believe in when we're angry because we can't controll it). And the reason I mean you should make sure its your core saying this, is that it might hurt you in the long run if you say something that wasn't true to you. Your anger and hatred is reasonable, it is understandable. He ruined so much for you, and for your daughters. His actions had consequences that were enormous in your life. What he did is not okay.

It was a little tricky for me to explain what I'm trying to say: I hope you understand that I'm not trying to devaluate your anger. I am just thinking that maybe it'll be better if you decide to talk to him, or not talk to him - based on what rings true to you. Not what others do or tell you to do. Regardless of what you want to do in this matter. I'm here, supporting you! You are wonderful, and you have worked so hard for so many countless years. I hope you will find some peace within you.