ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

thank you very much kdke, deep blue, and sceal for your opinions and observations.

kdke, i completely understand what you're saying and why.  i think one difference here is that i'm not looking to fix anything or for any kind of reconciliation, nor am i looking to get into any argument about anything. (not saying that was your intention, either).  i'm just looking to get these horrible feeling out of me and put the crud in my mind toward him, which is where it belonged in the first place.  i also don't want to do this to make him suffer, per se - that's not my intent - but rather to say all the things i should've said at the time it came up that i wasn't capable of saying.

deep blue,  thank you for that encouragement.  i truly appreciate it, and it helped me move forward.  it feels like the right thing to do, and you validated that and i appreciate it.

sceal, i completely understood what you said about not coming from a place of anger, cuz angry words aren't necessarily true to our core beings.  so very right.  actually, it's not so much anger any more as it is hate, an emotion i haven't had a lot of experience expressing.  i really hate what he did, and he disgusts me at the same time for some of what he put both my d's and me thru.  so, thank you very much for that reminder and explanation.  it rang true all the way through.

i did write an email, did a revision today.  it's quite calm, very little swearing, but the hate and disgust came pouring thru.  still, i don't feel bad about putting either of those in there.  they are true, real, and i believe that it's ok to let him know it's how i feel.  i don't want to make him feel bad, but do want to get it out of me.  if i'd had the capability of saying those things at the time, i would have.

the email is still sitting, waiting.  i had blocked him, and i want to unblock him in case he responds.  i have little hope of that, and, again, not doing this for that reason.  it was good to type it, and i believe it will have differing emotions attached if/when i send it.  some fear, cuz  he was the one i protected so profoundly over the years, and this is bringing everything to the light.

some of it will be 'glad' i believe - glad to finally be true to me with him.  i've been living a lie with him for so long, so there may be some relief as well.  and it feels good to put the truth to him finally, to stand up for myself and my daughters (i wrote to keep his hands and head off my d's, that there are a million women to lust after, and that it makes my skin crawl when i think of him hugging either one of them because of what he might be thinking when he touches either one).

mostly, i think this will feel like it's been a long time coming, i'm done protecting the wrongdoers, and have finally been healed enough to put them in their rightful places.  i may have to do this with my eldest d some day, but i don't feel like that's a necessity.  for one thing, i don't hate her.  i'm just sad i lost her and there's no getting her back.

him, i'm not looking to get back, just want to release what can be hurting me, and placing it in the right direction for once.  finally. 

thank you for helping me with this, all of you.  it feels right, good, and true.  i'm exhausted now, tho, so off to the porch for the rest of the day.

[Deep Blue]

San,
I think you are taking huge strides here.  Breaking out of that lie you were forced to live is so brave.  You are incredible sweetie 

[Sceal]

Phew! I'm so glad you understood what I was trying to get at! I was a little nervous that I was overstepping my boundaries. 

I'm happy for you that you've written the e-mail and revised it, and are still waiting to send it. It's wonderful too that you're feeling strong to stand up for what you believe in, and to follow your values.  That's truly wonderful!

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, thank you so much for that vote of confidence and your kind words.  so very much appreciated.  they really help give me strength.

sceal,, love that cheer.  it really does feel like a victory of sorts.  and, no, you never came near to overstepping any boundaries.  i welcome your thoughts, opinions, and insights.  they're very valuable to me, helpful for me to keep going.  i'm grateful that you were able to write what you wanted to say - i always appreciate honesty.

so, man stuff.  the email to my ex - still not sent, nor thought about very much.  i have noticed that my d can talk about her father a bit more freely now and i don't feel such a horrible reaction within me.

my hub is struggling terrible. he got a job offer, it sounded like just what he wanted, he gave his notice, then found out that they expected him to also do stuff that he's physically incapable of doing.  he had to go back to his other job, got terribly depressed.  i feel so bad for him.   he's nearly ready to give up, stand with his crutches and beg on the corner.  he wants to quit working for those ugly gringos tho, as a priority.  he's had it with them.  i can't stand them. 

and the  mr. (thank you, sceal) has been quite attentive.  we talk nearly every day, he's made it clear that he wants me in his life, and i'm still nervous about it.  my d doesn't trust him at all.  she also doesn't feel comfy letting him stay overnite - has not reconciled herself to having a sexually active mother yet, at least not under the same roof. 

i explained that to him, he's willing to wait or go to a motel if we want to spend the night together.  that's if he ever gets here.  this does seem to be a case of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but his work schedule may be getting changed and he doesn't know for sure what that might mean.

so, he's got a lot on his mind, including some physical issues that could cost him his job if they don't get rectified.  plus, having a woman in his life at this point is something he totally didn't expect.  but, he's making me laugh, he doesn't seem so uptight, he's still not drinking and glad of that, he's changing his diet - lots of changes for someone who's been set in his ways.

my d said to me the other day about how tension-filled that house was where i'd been living.  he still lives there, mostly cuz it's reasonable, and to help his mother out financially.  but i've seen her humiliate him in front of people, put him down, and he can feel from her the disappointment in him (her other som became somewhat of a 'star').  he's wounded, damaged, all that rot by women, as i am by men.  i'm just hoping we can help each other with that.

he seems to be a very nice man under all that - i've heard him interact with people at work - has shown me a very gentlemanly side, and has let some vulnerability out.  he gives me a lot of credit for helping him stopping drinking, and even speaks about being an alcoholic, which he vehemently denied in the past.  lots of pos. signs.

i know he has a lot of anger, and he is prone to yelling at other drivers thru the windshield.   than there was his nasty meltdown, which i told my d about, and which makes her very apprehensive about him being around me.   i'm taking all this into consideration, and i want it to work, but i'm also holding myself back at the same time from getting to excited about anything.  i'm afraid that he's going to get scared again that this is too good to be true (what happened before) and bail.  we can only wait and see, but he's got some proving of himself to do first, including allowing me to talk frankly about it and him taking it.  yeah, we'll see.

yesterday my back was so bad i was on meds all day.  better today, clearer headed, which feels good.  sometimes it seems that i have to just blank out a day, numb my mind so that my body can relax a bit more - i'm still full of tension most all the time - and that helps make my back feel better.  i don't know that this will ever end, but so be it.  at this point in my life, it is what it is.  not fighting it seems to be helpful. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad to hear all of that positive new, my dear.  Really sounds like a lot of positive things starting to come in with the new living situation. I can understand why your daughter is a little apprehensive, and as he proves himself to you and her I am sure her concerns will diminish some too. She probably knows enough about how men have hurt you in the past and cares enough to not want it to happen again. It is sweet of her in that way.

I do wish your hub the best too. That situation sounds awful and no one should be stuck in it.

Take the breaks for your back and body as you need to. I can imagine that is really difficult, but I am glad you are doing it. Hope today continues to feel better for you! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.  that bit about my d was exactly what i needed to hear today.  timing is everything.  she's very cool whenever i mention anything about the mr., and i've been wanting to force the issue (gain some control, i think).  so, what you said is helping me stay back, let it be for now.

yes, she does know what men have done to me in the past, and above all does not want that to happen to me again, especially since the mr. already exploded on me and hurt me with that.  i guess the upside of him is what i want, maybe too much, cuz it's fun and stimulating.  don't know for sure yet if it's comfortable.

ooooh, that just came out.  still rather uncomfy.  still a bit stresssful.  still a bit anxiety-producing cuz i'm not sure if i'll say something that will set him off.  ok, good to know.  i know i need to talk to him about that, but i'd rather do it face to face.  don't know when that will happen. 

this whole thing is so up in the air, it's got me jumpy.  i don't want to be stressed about it.  it's the last thing i need.  patience, grounding, ems all needed for this.  security within myself.  why would i be afraid to lose someone who scares me?  just go slow, one step at a time, these are different circumstances, we're not living in the same place anymore.  am i reaching for pipe dreams?  something to keep in mind, i guess.

i just love the feeling of being special to someone who i can touch every so often, share that same space with on occasion, do things with.  this seems like a chance for that, and i don't want to miss it if it could be real.  dang, it sounds needy.  but, maybe i am.  it would be great to have a man who makes me feel like a queen, is a friend, and is willing to do the hard work.  don't know if that's possible.  patience, san, patience.

my needy baby greedy baby wants it all and wants it NOW!!!  maybe it's cuz i've never had that - daddy issues.  so,  adult san, who is super strong and independent shows her vulnerable side, and it's soft and mushy and demanding.  whew. 

just writing this out, see what spills over.  i didn't expect this.  maybe i'm not as independent as i thought.  i know that when i have a man in my life, there is another person who shines within me.  i know i'm loved by my hub, but that feels different - i've left him behind.  this is new, exciting, an adventure.  i bring the stress in when it doesn't have to be there.

i don't know.  patience.  it will work out one way or another in the end, and whichever way it goes, i'll deal with it.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet San,
That doesn't sound needy at all! We, as humans, crave companionship.  It's normal for us to want someone to care, lend a hand, lend an ear. 

That's part of what this forum is for right? Let it spill over as much as you need.  You are such a strong woman. Maybe I'm needy? I need more people like you in my life. 

[sanmagic7]

my dearest deep blue, thank you for that.  it was very reassuring.  i think i'm just confused about it right now because of what went on before, and this feels like starting over with baggage between us.  i don't exactly know what to do with that.  which is probably a big part of this - i don't know how to 'be' in such a situation. 

maybe part of this is that so much of this is new - new place to live, living with my d, have only left my hub a little over a year ago, living in that tension-filled house for over a year, surgery, so many doc appts. . . .  maybe i'm still riled up, all the silt hasn't settled in the bottom of my jar of pond water yet.  it's still a bit murky to my system.  the whole of it.

and now the possibility of a new man in my life in a long-distance (kind of) relationship.  that's different, too.  sometimes i don't realize how much i've crammed into my life until i write it out.  plus i'm dealing with going on 71 - i'll formally be in my 70's in less than 3 mos.  that's a kick in the pants, too.   

deep blue, i need more people like you in my life as well.  thank you for being you.

[Deep Blue]

That many new things can seem very daunting for sure.  Deep breaths and baby steps with each of them k?

[Sceal]

I think you have come to a very true conclusion, San-dear.

maybe part of this is that so much of this is new - new place to live, living with my d, have only left my hub a little over a year ago, living in that tension-filled house for over a year, surgery, so many doc appts. . . .  maybe i'm still riled up, all the silt hasn't settled in the bottom of my jar of pond water yet.  it's still a bit murky to my system.  the whole of it.

It's sometimes easy to think that "but I should be over the surgery, it happened months ago. My body has healed", "I got out of that toxic house", etc. but, each of these had a huge impact on your everyday life and your emotional life. It's no wonder it will take time before all the riles will calm down properly.  Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing wonderfully!

You are such a strong woman. Maybe I'm needy? I need more people like you in my life.

If you guys are being needy, then I am too. Because I find you both incredible important! 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad that what I said about your daughter helped. Having seen a situation like this I had some insight, just glad it was at all helpful. You are doing great, even if you don't always feel like it. Remembering the ems is there with you is huge, I still forget when I need her most.

As far as being needy, I truly don't think you are. Also if you are needy, so what? I got told from someone much wiser than me, that the right person won't find you needy nor do you ever need to feel like needing something is a bad thing. Your feelings are valid and important, even if that means you feel like you need something or someone. That is okay. That feeling deserves to be heard and met as well (obviously within reason, but you sound very reasonable). Don't be afraid to honor some of that neediness, it is just telling you what you want and what feels right at this juncture.

Sending lots of love my dear 

[Andyman73]

Hellllooooooooo San!!! 
As for being needy...one thing you don't need...is having to worry about if you say something that might set "mr" off again.  Nobody needs that worry in their lives, at all. I know he seems wonderful and all...but there was that explosive outburst.
You are such an amazing and wonderful lady...and you deserve a man who will give you all the space you need, to be you, all of you, and love you unconditionally.
After 21 years of my abusive wife...I know I wouldn't be able to handle another who has any kind of tendencies towards abuse. I am just not strong enough for that anymore.

It's human to need loving kind interaction with someone special, who makes you feel special. WE all need and want that. You certainly deserve that! And I know your d wants you to be loved and cared for by a man who loves you with his whole being.  You are worthy!

[sanmagic7]

you people are incredible.  can't respond properly right now, but you're all so important to me, what you said brought tears to my eyes.  thank you.  i'm stunned. 

[sanmagic7]

very tired today.  going to spend some time on the porch.  i'm spent.

[sanmagic7]

more porch time.  too much pain.