ch. 4 -- around the next corner

Started by sanmagic7, March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM

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sanmagic7

love back to you both, el and d.r.

yesterday, was railroaded by an ef.  something my d said when i was telling her about the workshops i'm creating to hopefully stir up some revenue when we move.  haven't had the energy to think of doing any for quite a long time, so i was really excited about even beginning to think of some, start putting them together.

then she said something about if men would be interested, or if they'd hold men's interest cuz usually it's women who attend these kinds of things, and men aren't usually into touchy-feely stuff.  her voice had gotten very hard when she said this, which is unusual for her, and i felt the need to explain what i was thinking, how i'd conduct them, what they'd be about - the whole nine yards.

she finally seemed satisfied, but, as i usually do, it left me feeling uneasy, and took several hours to figure out what was going on.  for one, it seemed like she had no confidence in what i was planning, even tho i've been creating and presenting workshops for many many years.  for another, it flashed me back to when i was doing therapy in a day treatment program and my supervisor once introduced me to another therapist there as 'our flaky therapist'.

i've always been unorthodox in manner and dress, have relied on gut instinct a lot of times when i did therapy, and it was difficult to explain what i did and why.  i didn't always have the words, just knew it was the right thing to do, but reporting to a supervisor, well, she wanted it to be more concrete, which was not where i ever was at.  so, i was right back to feeling like i wasn't being taken seriously, that my work was under scrutiny because i didn't really know what i was doing.

it was a terrible feeling all day, couldn't shake it, kept getting worse.  then i realized my d had no idea what kind of therapist i was, how i was so far away from any that she'd experienced, that i was never the 'touchy-feely' type, ever, and that i'd done this sort of thing many, many times with a lot of success.  whomp.  felt like i just wanted to dump the whole idea, sit on my butt for the rest of my days cuz of doubt.

i'll have to talk to her about it, but don't know when.  i'm still in the middle of this situation at the house, and that doesn't feel good, either.  yesterday turned into a xanax day just to quiet my mind.  it was so full of cotton clumps i couldn't see into it. 

so, day 16, altho i did have a cup of hot cocoa last nite cuz the sugar craving was overwhelming.  it helped.  i'm also running out of food, and the trip to the food bank isn't till next thurs.  getting a new checking acct. and starting to regain some credit took a chunk of money this month, plus a couple of doc bills.  so, running a little skinny this month.  i don't like that feeling either.

otherwise, i think today is a day for the porch.  i don't have energy, am tired, just want to read or watch tv.  what a frickin' life. 

Elphanigh

That is a lot to handle, San. Come hang out on the porch with me, I will be there in spirit all day. I have faith all of this will work out for you, but you definitely deserve some rest after a nasty ef.  :hug:

sanmagic7


sanmagic7

in a terrible slump.  everything from the past 2 weeks has hit me - feel like i've been run over by a truck.  gonna take a break from here for a bit.  love and hugs all around.

Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a warm and loving hug, and wishing you strength - I know you're taking a break, and I think that's a good thing - you take care, and we'll be here when you are back -  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Sending you a caring hug, san :hug:
For me it's always pretty triggering when somebody wants to know all about my plans and then questions them and my competence. There's a lot going on in your life atm. I hope you manage to recuperate a bit however is best for you.  :hug:

DecimalRocket

It's alright, San. It's alright. Take a break.

:hug:


sanmagic7

hope, blueberry, d.r., and sceal - your support has meant a lot.  the time off from here was good for me.  however, i'm seeing just how worn out i've been.  i responded to a few posts before coming here, but i just got tired out again.  so, maybe all i can do is spits and spurts for now. 

you're all in my heart, tho - that doesn't change.  thank you.

Sceal

Perhaps it's too soon to come back? It's okay that you are tired, it's not strange at all! Everything you've been through on your own time and also all the resources you've put into this site and giving of yourself to everyone.  :hug:
You are deeply valuable! Please let yourself get the rest you need.  :bighug:

DecimalRocket

You're in my heart too, San.   :yes:

I agree with Sceal. Maybe it's too soon?

:hug:

Blueberry

I think you replied to more than "a few" posts. I sometimes answer a bunch of other posts here before I get to writing my own and then I am exhausted. Maybe it's not too soon to be back, maybe you need to rest from being there for others? You know that Porch we have?  :sunny: May be a good spot to come back to for a while. Maybe even the support we give there multiplies for all of us instead of diminishing it for anybody. Idk but it's worth a try.

I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary when I say this.  ???  As Mod, it has been topic for me a few times  - giving more than I can.  :hug:   :bighug: Blueberry

sanmagic7

sceal, d.r., blueberry, it's still often strange for me to have people looking out for me.  i can't tell you what it means to me.  it's what's really helped me feel better than i did a year ago.

i'm so in the habit of doing too much, even pulling back for a few days feels like a lot.  actually, it's better than it used to.

also, your lovely thoughts about my contributions here fill my heart.  they really do.

i walked today, first time in a few days, which felt good.  i'm tired now, but it's not a bad thing.  actually, blueberry, i go to the porch a lot, even if i don't post there.  i've gotten very protective of my evening ritual, my tv programs - lots of old comedies - which are not only restful but help me to laugh, something that i believe is very good for me.  that feels like being on the porch to me - i'm with known 'friends' who are gentle and enjoyable to be around.

so, i'll stop now.  but know that i love you all so much, am so grateful for you.

Blueberry

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
actually, blueberry, i go to the porch a lot, even if i don't post there.  i've gotten very protective of my evening ritual, my tv programs - lots of old comedies - which are not only restful but help me to laugh, something that i believe is very good for me.  that feels like being on the porch to me - i'm with known 'friends' who are gentle and enjoyable to be around.

:thumbup: great self-care! You've found your own Healing Porch! Cool.  :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
i'm so in the habit of doing too much, even pulling back for a few days feels like a lot.  actually, it's better than it used to.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for progress