ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Deep Blue]

Hey San,
Are you still watching tennis? Who do you root for? This year the open has already had some excellent matches!

I'm glad you took the day off of emotional stuff.  I read your post to calm myself down and guess what? It worked.  Your giving nature comes through, even when you are emotionally exhausted sweetie.  Thanks for being you and for helping me even when you don't realize you have. 

[sanmagic7]

3roses, i do believe you quoted 'armored up' from walker, but i read it from you first, so i always connect it to you.  it helped me a lot, giving me a name for the tension my body carries.  thanks.

deep blue, it always amazes me that i can be helpful to others when i'm not trying.  thanks for letting me know that.  it helps me keep in mind that what we do can have lasting effects on others, which makes it important to continue our lives with kindness and care. 

i've been watching tennis for 40+ years, enjoyed the chris/martina/john/jimmy era and onward, but when rafa came on the scene, i paid attention, and he became my fav from the first time i saw him.  this has definitely been an interesting tournament on both men's and women's sides.  who is your favorite?  i love that there's a fellow tennis fan-atic here!

i hit the wall and crashed today.  too much emotional stuff in the past 4 days, plus the season changed overnight, and that always knocks me out.  so, it's rest, rest, and more rest.  glad tennis is on.  very relaxing, at the same time i can get over-stimulated.  but i sure do enjoy it, so it's a staple when i'm feeling bereft of energy.

[Deep Blue]

Yes San,
To say I'm a tennis fan would be an understatement! 

I love Sloane Stephens, both Williams sisters, and bethanie mattocks sands .  My favorite male players are Djokovic, Stevie Johnson, Delpotro and Cilic.   My favorite announcer is Maryjoe Fernandez.

I've met many players on tour and have nicer stories about some than others. 

I hope you enjoy watching Nadal play this evening.  It's a hot one and as much as Rafa sweats I get nervous     

Relax this evening friend and take care 

[sanmagic7]

well, the tennis match last nite was anything but relaxing!  still, i feel a bit better today, just tired.  there was more emotional stuff going on yesterday with my d and her business, but i think we might be able to sit on the beach and hash it out, make some considerations, possibly decisions as well.   this has been a real trial for 5 days now.  eating junk, exhausted.   my eyelids are having a hard time staying open right now.  guess it's time to stop, hit the porch again for the rest of the day. 

don't know when i'll get some down time just to relax, let this stuff float away.  looking forward to that, tho.

[Sceal]

Just wanted to pop by, San, and offer you a cup of soothing tea. It sounds as if you might need it right now.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you some relaxing eye balm to soothe you - if there is such a thing as 'eye balm' - and I hope that you will get chance to relax sometime soon - you're going through a lot right now - but hopefully things will calm and you'll get some respite from it.  Just wanted to tell you that you're wonderful. 

Hope

[sanmagic7]

sceal, that was just right.  thank you so.

hope, telling me i'm wonderful really lifted my spirits, too.  i love the eye balm - if it's not a thing before, it is now!  thanks.

finally feeling like i'm coming up for air.  it's been a rough 5 days around here - lots of emotional upheaval for both my d and me.  i think we're getting thru the gristle at last, but we're both more tired than usual.  still, our spunk and spirit keeps us moving forward.  it amazes me at times.

we're both starting over after stuff and people we thought would be with us for the rest of our lives crashed and burned.  starting over isn't new to me, i've done it too many times, but it's a bit more difficult now at my age.  yet, i'm giving it another shot.  sometimes i amaze myself - don't know exactly why i haven't just curled up and called it a day long ago. 

still, it's tiring.  a lot of work getting this new relationship off the ground with the mr.  more work than i thought to be living with my d, but both relationships seem to be getting sturdier as time goes on. 

time to rest - again.  one day i'll be caught up.   just don't quite know when.  for now, taking care of me.  i love you all.

[Deep Blue]

Darling San,
Love you so much! I'm so glad you are taking the time your body and mind clearly needs. 

I think that your relationship getting sturdier just shows how hard you both work at it.  Relationships are not easy! You both lean on each other and I think that is so therapeutic. 

Much love sweetie 

[Sceal]

  Thank you for being you. and for being here.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the love, deep blue.  right back atcha.  it helps replenish me.

sceal, you're darling.  and thank you for being you, too.  i'm so very glad you're in my life.

just enough energy today for a few posts, and an update here.  it's been a week and a half now of emotional turbulence, some surrounding my d, some surrounding me.  we're both still tired today, but it's a beautifully rainy day today, everything is so green and gorgeous, and the sound will hum me to sleep in a few minutes.

i'm thankful for all of you. 

[Three Roses]

And we are thankful for you. Take care of you. ❤️

[Blueberry]

san, I'm sending  for all that emotional turbulence you're going through.

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

3 roses, blueberry, and sceal, i can't tell you how much your caring and hugs mean to me.  thank you so much.

had a bit of a breakdown yesterday.  told my d that i was feeling uneasy, didn't know what it was, some kind of emotion possibly, maybe anger and/or fear, but couldn't tell.  told her the mr. (thank you, sceal - it fits so perfectly) was being so sweet, he's saying all the right words, the stress for me is pretty much gone cuz he's reassured me enough times now to believe this is real (when i told him that, he said 'i'm trying'.  and he is - he just being a really generous person with telling me how happy he is now, all kinds of good stuff).

she helped me pick it apart, told me that i'm not used to being treated well so it can easily make me uncomfy.  (later, she also told me that living with her has probably been hard to get used to cuz she's not like the other women in my life have been to me, either, which is very true - it's why i've eliminated pretty much all my former friends).

both of those make sense to me, but was wondering what i might be angry about, and she said it might be that i'm angry at everyone who's led me to this place of being uneasy cuz i'm being treated well.  well, pluck me!!!!!  how sick is that!!!  that this friggin' crapola doesn't even allow me to be happy cuz i'm being treated well?  that totally sucks!!!

so, yeah, i can feel the anger about that.  and i got to thinking about my ex (my d's father) and how i wrote that email but haven't sent it, have been protecting, defending, making excuses for his behavior - sure, he was abused as a kid, but that is no excuse for choosing to do anything nasty to me - and i believe i'm going to send it and let the chips fall where they may.  i believe i need to put my thoughts and feelings about him and what he's done where they belong - in his backyard.

he will read it or not, be accountable or not, it doesn't matter.  what i think matters here is that i need to give to him all that i've held back out of fear for me and for his ego and self-esteem.  i think i need to clean my own house and give him back the dirt that belongs to him.  it's rotting inside me, but it's still scary as * to hold him accountable to his face (metaphorically).

if anyone has thoughts or opinions, i'd like to hear them.  i might be able to wait till i send it in case anyone really believes this would not be a good idea for any reason.  i'm so fed up with this, but i need help to see if i'm looking at this clearly.  thanks.

c-ptsd sucks the big one.

[Wattlebird]

it certainly would be a healthy way to express that built up anger ( if that's what is causing it?) but I'm unable to advise in one way or another, I would agonise over that decision I just know it.
So sending support whatever u decide