ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Deep Blue]

felt good to write that out.  deep breath.  more relaxed now.  it's just been a crummy situation and i can only take care of me and my end of it.  what's done is done, what was, was.  i have to take care of me.  tears beginning now, very sad that this happened.  i did love him.  now i hate what he did, hate him for doing it.  i'll have to let that hate be neutralized in another dimension.  my guardian angel will take care of it so it doesn't go out into the world.  there's enough negativity there already.

still, maybe in time i won't feel like that.  i don't know.  i think i'm grieving.

Sweetie,
May I just say that grieving is natural and normal.  You have been carrying that stuff around for a long long time.  It's no wonder when it's out you feel a little off balance. 

I love what you said. What's done is done and what was was.  Now time to keep on moving hon.  Around the next corner maybe?   

Sending you a really good hug.  I'm completely wrapped around you and holding you with just the right amount of pressure.    

[sanmagic7]

andy, my brother of my heart, those hugs are wonderful.  it really was a big breakthru, one that, surprisingly, i'm not agonizing over.  those swats seemed to have taken care of a lot more than i expected.  thank you.

wb, sometimes we recognize in others what it's more difficult to recognize in ourselves.  if it looks like grieving to you, i'll add you to the validation and reassurance group.  i appreciate it a lot.  thank you.

that's beautiful, deep blue.  i can feel it and it is just right and absolutely lovely.  thank you.  off balance is a good way to describe it.  it does feel like i'm a bit rocky in my being.  hmmm . .  i struggled with leg cramping all night.  that could surely be a sign of being off balance.  at least, symbolically.  funny how that stuff sometimes works.  thanks for those words, too.  they seem to fit perfectly.

yeah, grieving's a gritch and a half.  still, it's gonna be there whether i want it or not, so i might as well make the best of it.  just be with it till it runs its course.  this, too, shall pass.

i got a lovely gift in the mail yesterday - a wonderful, solid stone that was  hand-painted in swirling colors and the words 'trust the magic' on it.  funny how these things come at just the right time.  trusting the magic has gotten me thru a lot, but i forget it at times.  now i have a tangible reminder next to my bed, and it couldn't be more perfect.  that is a true friend.  i shall cherish them both, always.

[Elphanigh]

San, I have not been here in far too long. I have read it all and want to send all the love and healing in the world to you  Grief is a terribly difficult thing, and I can't truly begin to imagine handling it like you do. It is such an inspiration honestly. I hope things start to settle out and feel much clearer for you soon. You truly deserve it

[Sceal]

Dear san,

You have such strength and such courage! I am glad you've managed to get some of that gunk out (I love how you call it gunk). I hope that in the days following that you can continue to regain your strength, continue to swat away the feeling of guilt that pops up here and there. You're not responsible for his life, he is. He is responsible for the choices he made, or purposefully chose not to make. And he hurt you and your daughters. It was never okay.

I'll happily sit with you at the porch drinking tea and listening to the sound of the waves.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, even when you don't post here, i know you're with me.  that's become a given.  thank you for your support.

my sweet sceal, thank you so much for that validation that it was never ok and he's made his own choices.  something in that touched me deeply for some reason, even tho i know it in my head.  you seemed to have placed it in a deeper place by saying that.  truly appreciated.

still struggling a bit.  the guilt doesn't seem to come as much now, which is good.  i don't think of it very often, like when i check my inbox or what he might have thought of it.  i'm a bit messy with the mr., still learning this relationship, but i think some of the gunk spills over a wee bit.

i think i feel a bit more selfish right now at the same time wanting to be there for him (he's still at the house where i lived, it's his mother who's the landlady, and she's not a very sympathetic person) when the crapola goes down between them, but i've found that i've fallen into old behaviors, which he catches and gets defensive about.  we then eventually fall into a sort of uneasy alliance, which i'm still getting used to.  that concept is foreign to me.

so, still learning.  he'll be here for the weekend in 1 1/2 weeks,  and it'll be good to be together.  it'll be especially good to be able to talk face to face.  i've never done a long-distance relationship like this before, so even that is different.  it takes its own tolls.

today is a day off for the rest of the day.  my d's been crazy busy lately, too, but we have some 'buffy' coming in the mail, we're making taco dip to eat while we're watching it, and i'll be on the porch just hangin' the rest of the time. 

[sanmagic7]

dang, i just realized how very judgmental i am, both in tone of voice and in practice.  the mr. had told me this several times, but i defended myself to the death saying that i wasn't.  waking up from a nap, i heard myself in conversation with him about food choices, and i suddenly heard the judgmental tone, and superior essence i carried.

wowser.  holy crap.  i didn't even realize, consciously, i was doing this.  i can only guess that it comes from so many years of being put down, dismissed, denied, etc., that i surrounded myself in research and subsequent belief in my knowing what's best for everyone.  i just felt a bit ashamed, right now, also different for me.

he'd told me several times that i sounded like his mother, which i vehemently denied.  this is shaking me to my rafters.   i have sounded just like her.  omg, i'm so embarrassed.  i feel terrible about this, but excited at the same time.  i don't know what will happen because of this realization going forward, but it's here now and IT won't be denied now.

will this never stop?  that was my low self-esteem trying to protect itself, i'm sure, altho i never came off as having low self-esteem.  that was not allowed in my inner world.  ok, enough for today.  a wave of self-hatred just flashed thru.  ugly stuff.  ugly.  no wonder people have been intimidated by me.  i've just been a big, loud know-it-all for all this time.  sucks.  i suck.  now i understand, tho.

am just letting these neg.feelings flit thru.  just putting them down for accountability.  they've usually not been allowed, so i'm allowing them now.  this is so strange.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad it had become a given that my support and love is always given.  it really warms my heart that it is true for you. I can't respond much more tonight, but thank you for always knowing I am hear my dear. Love you always 

[sanmagic7]

talked to my d about my realization, part of my defense system of arrogance and superiority thru the years.  also my feelings of shame and self-hatred that came up.  and then the tears came.  i'm so sad that i've put these people who are being dear to me thru this.

she told me that she's noticed me changing since i've been living with her, and since the mr. has come into my life because neither of them are doing to me what's been done to me by others before.   she's been hesitant to let him stay here overnite cuz she didn't know him, didn't know how he'd be with me - she's very protective of me, yes, cuz she knows what's gone on in my past and she didn't want it to happen again.

plus, her anxiety about having someone else around plays a big part in her comfort level with him.  that's a part he doesn't know about.  i've been hesitant to tell him cuz i don't know that it's my place.

so i talked to him about this revelation as well, asked him to point it out to me if i'm doing it again cuz i didn't want to be that way and he said he would, that sometimes he comes off harshly if he's in a bad mood (usually becuz of his mother).  he's also putting out the word that he wants to move out and looking for a roommate. 

i hope he gets out of his mother's house - it's such a toxic environment and no good for anyone living there.  i was so happy to be able to leave, even tho it was good for me when i was so sick and after the surgery, but when i began feeling better and interacting with some of the people there, it went sour with her big time.

we ended on a positive note.   he'd been saying that he thought our coming weekend might be our last cuz of finances and putting miles on his car, which scares him.  we talked about working as a team, that i'm willing to help out financially, and he was kinda surprised cuz he's  had the cloud of 'the man has to be financially responsible' hanging over his head.  we've both been looking for a true partner, but have been shut out in that area in the past.

lastly, he said that the song 'i'm not in love' by 10cc has been running thru his head, and that he thinks he's really happier than he'll admit.  so, we do both want it to work, even tho he started talking in the complete opposite direction.  i feel better.  i'm really tired, tho.  exhausted. 

i told my d that i'm too old for this personal growth crapola (in a kind of joking way) cuz it's so hard sometimes.   she laughed, said, 'well, if it was easy, everybody would be doing it'.  ain't that the truth.  i'm on the porch today for sure.  ate my way thru the day yesterday, but there it is.  grieving is messy, and i know i'll be messy in the midst of it.  so be it.  it, too, shall pass.

[Deep Blue]

San,
I know that realization was a hard one, but it doesn't make it any less meaningful.  You know that abuse is cyclical.  We have that constant worry to have ANY similarity with our abusers!  It's only natural that after years of abuse, that finding a similarity would be devestating. 

But!!!!! Take a step back, you noted something and now are working to change it.  That's so valuable and speaks to the amazing person you are.  You don't stop when realizations get hard.  You are always pushing to grow and that is something to be proud of 

Your strength, spirit and caring nature all speak to me.  You are gold my dearest San. Gold. 

[Sceal]

Man, San. You are an inspiration!
You have such strength that keeps on barging through and it doesn't ever give up. Even in your darkest days you have this strength that's so beautiful. You keep discovering new things, you keep wanting to change. You keep working to become a better person, both for yourself but also for those around you whom you love.

I also agree with everything that Deep Blue wrote.

Sitting with you on the porch tonight if that's okay. I think I'll be crocheting squares to make into a blanket, or something like that. 

[Andyman73]

Hey sister of my heart, gonna join yuo on porch too.
Saw my psych today, med check. Gave her the update for the past 3 months. Took way more out of me than I thought. So...sitting on rocking chair on porch with you. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and love, San. 

[sanmagic7]

stress sick yesterday, then realized i was angry at a whole bunch of things, including having to go thru this crapola over and over, at my history for causing this to happen, and just plain being frustrated that i can't access this feeling any sooner.  when i told my d, she said she thought i was angry 3 days ago when i despairingly said 'i'm too old for this crap, this self-growth'.

i didn't know i was angry at all, just tired of it.  2 days later i felt like crap, and by last nite i was beginning to have problems walking again, which was a sign to me that i was angry.  so i pounded my bed, cursed my head off, got some of it out, and i immediately felt better.

still not quite all right today, but better.  dang, i hate having to go thru this.  it just sucks.

thank you everyone for your more than kind words.  more later.  love you all.  i'm resting today.

[Three Roses]

  🌹

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie.

sick yesterday, still down for the count.  don't know when i'll be back.   love to all.

[Blueberry]

  and Get Better Soon! But also take the time and  you need