ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses.  lots of sleep and laughter - we both enjoyed that.  he'd come down straight from work (he works a 12-hr. shift overnite), and we'd planned to go to breakfast with my d, then take her to rent a car cuz she was going to the city for the weekend.  we'd barely gotten home when she called - they wouldn't rent to her cuz she didn't have the correct insurance!

he ended up driving another hour to the nearest town where she could get a car, then back home again.   needless to say, that was about 18 hrs. of non-stop 'doing' for him, and it took its toll.  i was still feeling sick, so we ended up sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping.  actually, i think that was a good thing for me, altho it was still pretty much a bed day for me today as well.  these old bones, etc.

thanks, el.  have no idea when we might be seeing each other again.  that's really on the back burner.  he's focused on finding his own place now, but when he does, i'll be able to take a bus to go visit him, too.  that way we can at least share traveling time. 

thanks, deep blue.  change and grow, one way or another.  he's in such a flux with his life right now, there's really no telling if this is going to grow together or apart.  kind of unsure at present.  we talked a bit about it and he doesn't really know what he wants to do.   he needs to get out of that house first and foremost.   he lives in such a toxic environment right now.  we'll see what happens. 

and i know he's very scared of the change of living place.  it's almost, but not quite, better the devil i know than the one i don't, i think.  he's had very bad experiences with roommates in the past, so that's kind of frizzing him out to try a new one.  i just hope his fears don't prevent him from making the move.   i hope he can see it as an adventure.

when he was leaving, i felt all my emotions freeze.  didn't like that.  it felt like a bout of depersonalization, and i'm not quite sure why.  the thought of crying at his leaving had crossed my mind briefly - maybe i froze in order to prevent that from happening.  i don't know, but looking back, it's disconcerting.

thank you all for your support with this.  i appreciate you so much.

[Hope67]

when he was leaving, i felt all my emotions freeze.  didn't like that.  it felt like a bout of depersonalization, and i'm not quite sure why.  the thought of crying at his leaving had crossed my mind briefly - maybe i froze in order to prevent that from happening.  i don't know, but looking back, it's disconcerting.

Hi SanMagic,

I relate very much to this kind of feeling, especially around any form of 'Goodbye' or 'parting' - so I wonder if it is related to that kind of EF Trigger that you felt this?  I hope you don't mind my saying that, but it jumped out at me as incredibly triggering to part from someone who you have feelings for.  For whatever length of time that is. 


Sending you a hug, SanMagic, and much love.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sweet hope, i don't mind you saying that at all.  any insight, thoughts, or opinions are always welcome.  much love and hugs back to you.  thank you.

i'm still not sure what went on or why.  come to think of it, tho, when i left mexico, left my hub behind, he wanted to give me a hug before i left, and i just couldn't, but i knew that was because it was waaaay too emotional.  i didn't freeze like this.  instead i was just trying to contain those emotions and keep them from spilling over and overwhelming me.

somehow, this was different.  maybe it'll come to me, maybe not.  don't know how important it is really. 

on a different note, my wedding ring finally broke yesterday - the band had gotten so thin, it finally gave way.  my d asked me how i felt about it, i told her i'd put it in a heart-shaped container i had.  she asked again, 'how do you feel about it?' (she knows about the alexithymia), and i had to admit that i didn't know.

this was not a freeze, tho, but just a plain not having a clue.  today, i still don't really know.  i could guess at feeling sad, but i can't actually feel it.  there just aren't any feelings there.  maybe they'll eventually come.  i'm not too worried about it, tho.  i'm pretty used to this.

[Deep Blue]

Interesting symbolism San.  My hope is that the universe is releasing you from past pain in your marriage.  Maybe it's saying it's safe to move on.

to you no matter how you feel about it

[sanmagic7]

yep, deep blue, i believe it is symbolic, altho i think it also confirms the fact that my marriage is broken.  i've already moved on in a way, and even tho my hub wants me back 'home' (as he puts it), that's just not going to happen.  that phase of my life is done.

i'd decided a while ago that when the band broke, that would be the time i took off the ring.  other symbolism re: that ring is that he'd found it on the beach many years before, it had those old time hippie letters that spelled 'love' over the top of it, and the 'o' was a place in which a gemstone of some kind belonged, but was already gone.  so, it was kind of a piecemeal ring to begin with, used and incomplete.

i think our marriage had some of those qualities, too.  especially incomplete because as much as i was willing to put the therapeutic work into making things viable from day to day, he firmly stuck his head in the sand and stayed there with old, used thoughts and beliefs that ultimately broke the relationship.  funny how that works.

so, we'll see where this new relationship goes.  i don't know.  it feels unsettled much of the time.  we had the discussion about it lasting for many years being lovers and/or friends, but i squelched that somewhat.  i told him that if he decided he wanted someone else, i couldn't be friends with him.  for some reason he was quite shocked at that.

i said that we'd already decided we were an exclusive couple, so if he found someone else, he was breaking that bond and i didn't want to be on a friendly basis after that.  he asked about if we couldn't be lovers cuz he had to move away for his job or something, and i agreed that such a scenario might be different.   but for him to break this trust again, no, it would hurt too much and i wouldn't be able to forgive it a second time.

so, i know how my heart feels about that.  i also know that he values my friendship a lot and would want to keep me in his life, but quite honestly, even tho i'm not in his neighborhood anymore, i'm still only 1 1/2 hrs. away.  he wants me around more often than once a month or however we can work out the visits.  i guess he either adjusts and accepts or we'll have some major problems.

and maybe those problems are already brewing in his mind.  i can't begin to guess anymore.  he says one thing one minute, another the next.  that's where trusting the magic has helped me a lot.  this relationship will either make it or it won't.  either way, i'm glad i've had what i've had with it and him, and i'll survive if it dissolves.  i have to admit, it feels rather like limbo at times, and i'm not always comfy there. 

so, i have to have faith that whatever happens, i'll be able to deal with it.  just once i wish i could have a rich man in my life who didn't want me to be arm candy to be shown off (that happened once, i wasn't having it - it felt really creepy).  that's one of those weird thoughts that have crept into my mind on rare occasions - someone who would take care of me and put financial problems to rest.  man, that would be nice.

well, this took a strange turn.  stream of consciousness writing, i guess.  something erupted from deep within that i don't normally think about.  i've been so independent for so long, i truly wouldn't want any strings attached, and i don't know that money comes free. 

anyway, it's not going to happen that i can see.  so, plodding along.  relationships are strange critters.  in my experience, they never come with any guarantees.

[Deep Blue]

Yes San! Relationships are strange critters indeed 

I value many types of relationships and I really value my relationship with you 

[sanmagic7]

a big ditto goes for my relationship with you, sweetie.  you're a treasure.  thanks for the validation. 

i've got a food/eating group planned for jan., have put up flyers, and there's been some interest shown.  i wonder if any of that interest will actually come thru as clients.  i created this group many years ago, have it written out in book form as well, so i might be offering that online and at the group (if one actually comes together).  it would be trippy to me to be able to sell it, have people want to buy it.  ack! 

right now i'm editing my d's books - she's putting one out next month, the other next spring.  our household is running pretty smoothly, our relationship is wonderful, and we love where we live.  i'm feeling nearly well now, 2 weeks is pretty much on time for me to get over a cold now - used to be 3 days - but i'm hoping that changes in the future if i continue to get healthier.

all in all, i'm doing pretty ok at the moment.  that's a really nice statement to be able to write.

[Elphanigh]

San I am so glad to hear you write that things are overall going well  It sounds like lots of exciting things are on the horizon for you and you daughter, really hopeful for you both. Love always, Elpha 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the warm wishes and kind thoughts, sweetie.  love and hugs back atcha.

[sanmagic7]

grabbed hold of some anger on a conscious level last nite, a week after an incident that happened with the mr. and me.   he was going to  show me a defensive move in kung fu, which he's in the process of learning, a move that can ultimately easily break a shoulder or elbow. 

i thought he was going to show me how to do it.  instead, he showed me how he does it, and i ended up on the floor - shaken, but not hurt.  thankfully, we had a big cushy ottoman right there that broke my fall.  this began going thru my mind a few days ago, but i couldn't quite consciously figure out what was happening in my mind, and when i could, i wasn't able to express it tangibly until last nite.

this stuff bugs me cuz i can't get it out, can't feel it at the time, so it'l like i have to bring it up over and over, both in my mind and with someone else until it finally feels to me like i gathered it all to be able to finally clear it out.   i wrote it all down to him in an email (which he never reads), but it felt good to finally cleanse myself of the feeling and the reasons behind it.

he'd asked me what i learned, told me that i learned that i don't have a chance against someone who's trained in any of the martial arts.  what i finally wrote this morning was that i hadn't learned that - i already knew that.  however, i did learn that he felt threatened by me grabbing hold of his wrist, and immediately went into a defensive mode, easily taking me down.  he thought his teacher would be glad to hear how immediate and automatic that was.

my take on it is a bit different.  i don't think he has anything to be proud of in defeating an older women with no training at all.  and what i learned is that he is not a teacher cuz he can't monitor between a real and perceived threat, so i don't want to try to learn anything like that from him anymore.

even tho a week late, and several nights/days of gathering all this information together (which made for some discomfort and bad feelings), i'm glad to finally have gotten it together and gotten it out.  don't know if i'll be able to talk to him about it - this has been discussed twice already, and i've been told by various people that i tend to keep dragging the dead horse out and beating it by continuing to talk about it.

it's frustrating, tho.  it doesn't get to rest until i'm able to talk something to death.  not good for relationships.  very frustrating.  don't know what exactly to do with this.  my heart was pounding when i wrote it out, and that's better now.  i don't know if this relationship is going to go anywhere.  that thought has raced across my mind several times.  don't know how stable he is.  well, he doesn't either - he's told me that about himself.  i guess we'll see.  limbo.

[Deep Blue]

What!?!?

That is worth bringing up over and over till you find peace and come to an understanding!  This is not a beating a dead horse situation. Not even a little!!!

Those people are wrong.  Just sayin.

Physical assault is a HUGE trigger for me.  My husband is very gentle and even in jest, if he shows the slightest aggression I'm derailed.

I guess what I'm saying is that i want to validate your feelings on this.  I would be shaken by it and I think you are correct in not letting it go.
Sending you clarity sweetie 

[Blueberry]

I second Deep Blue in saying "What!?!? Would be a huge trigger for me too. imho that's not a way to teach!!

it's frustrating, tho.  it doesn't get to rest until i'm able to talk something to death.  not good for relationships.  very frustrating.  don't know what exactly to do with this. 

That's what it's like for me too. I presume this is another one of these cptsd-related things. Not being able to let something like this rest till we've talked it out (why my posts are so long ). I know you've written before that you get a delayed reaction. Me too. Which means I often cannot address the problem at the time because I can't feel what's going on. Then people can get around it (my FOO does) by saying "That was last week, I don't remember." Or Ts, counsellors, social workers might say "it only makes sense if you address the problem at the time, dragging up stuff from the past is not useful". Partially they are correct, I do understand what they're saying about not re-hashing everything from the last 10 years, but for people like me and I presume you who sometimes take a few days to even figure out what was wrong, this cannot always apply. I think if people care about us, then they will be willing to hear us out on big issues like this sometime later.


(That was a very useful post for me to write. Thank you for providing the opportunity, though as usual i'm really sorry you needed to. I hope I'm on topic enough, not reading too much of my own stuff into it.) 

[Three Roses]

Totally agree with what's been said here. It's the same for me - I go into some sort of shock mode or something, and can't think clearly until after the event is over. I suppose it's some sort of survival technique.

and i've been told by various people that i tend to keep dragging the dead horse out and beating it by continuing to talk about it.

In my experience this happens to me when an issue is not resolved well enough for me. I at least need to feel that I've been heard, and if I don't I find myself returning to it again and again.

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, i really appreciate your validation about this.  thank you so.   i can understand how people don't want to hear over and over that what they did was 'wrong', but that's never my point in bringing it up again.  i'm sure that's why i've been told 'i've heard this before, i understand, now i feel bad all over again.'   i'm just trying to work it thru my bruised and battered brain till it comes out clean. 

unfortunately, that means repeating the original situation and their part in it, and how i've been putting pieces together until the puzzle finally feels finished for me.  it's not about me taking them to task over and over, but of finding all those hidden pieces in my brain that don't know how to show themselves all at once.

blueberry, i found your post quite on topic all the way, and i appreciate knowing i'm not alone in this.  thank you so muvh. i also know my alexithymia doesn't allow my emotions to be gathered up and presented at the time it's pertinent, which is why this stuff can be so frustrating.  at the time, my mind was just shaken, so i couldn't process any more of anything.  i chalked it up to an unfortunate mistake, and let it go.

but it niggled at the back of my mind, began making itself known a few days ago after we talked about it again.  i thought i'd gotten it out to him ok, but truly, the anger hadn't surfaced yet.  so, i now want to express that as well in a more direct manner.  don't know if i can, which is why i wrote it.  i may tell him to read the email.  i'm sometimes better at writing these things when i don't feel pressured by the spoken word.

3roses, that's exactly how i feel at these times - the issue isn't resolved enough for me.  it doesn't feel cleared out.  thank you for putting it into the correct words for me.    i don't doubt that it's a survival mechanism - retreat, take it, leave it be.  with my alexithymia, it's also that the emotions and recognition of them aren't available to me at the time cuz my brain wasn't wired correctly to have that capacity.  ugh.

so, it was a xanax day for me, and it really helped calm my mind.  i don't know what will happen with this going forward.  i'm still afraid of saying this stuff out loud to him.  maybe i can read what i wrote.  maybe i can ask him to read it and give me his thoughts.  i'm not sure what i want to do with this going forward.  it felt good to write it.  i suspect it won't be enough eventually.  and my anxiety leaps to the fore.

so, enough for now.  i'll update if i do something else in the future with this.  i told him that i'll simply put a magic bubble of protection to encompass me when i'm alone, and he can protect me when i'm with him.  it just came out like that. 

thank you all for your responses, tho.  they helped so much.   i don't know how this is going to go forward.  i don't like feeling nervous about talking about issues.  that doesn't set right with me.   still, i won't know how it will play out till i give it a shot.  we'll see.   maybe he'll surprise me.  hmmmm . . .

[sanmagic7]

how quickly things can change, and i don't know why.  i haven't heard from the mr. for 4 days (we'd been talking pretty much daily) and i haven't a clue as to what's going on.  i've called twice at strategic times, but no callback.  now i'm in a holding pattern.  don't know if something's going on with him, if he read my email angry rant, or what.

so, i have no idea how to feel about playing the waiting game, or how long this is going to last.  maybe it's the end is all i can think.  actually, i wouldn't be too bad with that - i've been on pins and noodles a lot during this time, have heard lots of complaining about him having to travel to see me, how much money it costs just for gas, etc.  i don't know.  maybe it's for the best.

he's so up in the air about so many things.  just re-discovering himself, making plans to move out of the house, has re-introduced drinking into his life differently than what it had been, but still.  lots of big talk about plans for us, then retractions.  it was getting so that i couldn't really believe anything he said unless it actually happened.   reminded me a lot of mexico, actually.

i don't understand that sort of mentality.  talking the talk but not following thru on walking the walk.  it's not my style.  on the other hand, mexico gave me a lot of practice in learning about it.  i'm putting that practice to good use now.

if this is about my anger rant, and he actually read the email, all i can say is that it's been a pattern in my life for forever.  others can get mad and act stupid and i can forgive or overlook it, but when i do the same thing i end up paying neg. consequences.  i've never understood that, but it's happened over and over.  this may be another case of it, i don't know.

so, whatever's going on, i'll be ok.  i remember thinking a few weeks ago that i just wanted this past visit to happen, and then i'd be satisfied.  it happened, and basically, i am.  if this is the end (fatalistic thinking prepares me), at least i gave it a shot.  feelings are on hold till i find out what's going on.  limbo, again.  dang, i'm sick of being in this place.

otherwise, i'm busy, doing work for/with my d, and she and i are getting along fabulously.  i've got some of my own stuff in the works as well, which feels good.  all in all, i'm ok.  just needed to get this out.  it's stabilizing.