ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad you are getting all of this out. That limbo stage is frustrating and not good for either of you. I hope it clears up in a way that everyone involved can be okay with. You deserve for him to be more certain or at least communicative about her thought processes. Sending lots of love and hope for clarity on these things.

It is wonderful to hear your work with/for your daughter is going so well. It sounds like this part of the new adventure is truly working out for the best for both of you.   

Remember the ems is always there, even just to sit next to you as you work through all of this. She can be a wonderful, quiet, and grounding presence.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetie, for the ems reminder.  like you, i often don't remember her at the times i need her most.  weird how that happens.

my mantra this week has been 'trust the magic'.  no word from the mr. yet, so i'm getting more fed up, frustrated, and thinking in finalities.  this silent treatment does not set well with me.  i'm definitely one to talk things out.  right now, i'm quite frustrated, angry, hurt (i'm dredging for feelings right now - there's not too much of any of these, but i'm assuming they're there).

this makes me think that this relationship is not what i want, not this way, and he's been on a very self-absorbed path lately, which i don't think is a bad thing, per se, but this kind of treatment toward me, this 'shunning' is one of the worst behaviors to use in a relationship.  i see it as a manipulation of the highest order.  there can be no movement at all if one person isn't communicating.

so, i let out some anger yesterday, beating the bed and cursing him out, which felt good.  as this time without anything from him continues and gets longer, my interest in continuing grows shorter.  i've called him twice at the beginning of the week, 2 different days at 2 usually opportune times, and no response.  i'm not calling anymore.  i was calling every day pretty much before this.  no more chasing after someone. 

so, up in the air in my beautiful balloon.   i really wanted our last weekend to happen, and it did, and i'm glad, and i can be ok with a life without him now.  we'd even made plans for him to come here for thanksgiving.  that's a bit strange to me - how he could have been so gung ho about us, and then nothing since then.

unless he read my angry rant email and decided he was having nothing more to do with me because of that.  it was pretty major, and i let it all out, which felt good.  so, i don't really regret it.  i would've been feeling much worse today if i'd kept all those thoughts and opinions inside, keeping them absorbed, so to speak.

on the other hand, he'd gotten mad and said horrible things at the house, and we got past that.  i just wonder, if he indeed read what i wrote, if that's not ok when it comes from me instead of him.  that's happened too many times in my life - when i finally get my anger out, it seems to backfire on me.

on the other hand, maybe his damage, perspective, perceptions re: this relationship are too far gone, skewed.  maybe he can't function in a give and take atmosphere.  maybe he feels threatened.  ah, screw it.  who knows?  certainly not i.  only he does, and he ain't talkin'. 

bleccchh - just wanted to puke this crapola out. 

[Elphanigh]

My dear, I am not sure why we forget her when we need her most but it is like any other coping mechanism. It takes time to remember to use it when we are under stress.

I would be really frustrated with the no contact as well, but I am glad you are not calling him. He will talk when he is ready, and if that never comes than I don't think he is who you want, as you also expressed. Just want to validate all of this, and send you all the clarity and healing that I can. Being in limbo is often harder than losing someone at least in my experience.

Lot of warm hugs to you  I will be on the porch today if you need anything

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the validation, el, especially about not calling him.  i needed that.

i'm joining you on the porch, just for being with you.  that seems very calming, soothing, and relaxing.  thanks for that.  lots of love and hugs and smiles together.  i like that thought a lot.

[Elphanigh]

Always glad that I can help. Sitting with you sounds truly wonderful this morning. 

[Deep Blue]

Sweetie,
You are processing so many emotions all at the same time... anger, betrayal, sadness, frustration.... and there are others too.  That would be a lot to bite off for anyone. 

In school today I did an activity with my students.  We wrote our name on a piece of paper and then crumpled it up and threw it.  Everyone grabbed a new paper and opened it up and wrote something nice about the person whose name was on it.  We did this several times.  Finally we gave the paper back to the person whose name was on it.  They all left feeling very happy and grateful for each other.  What more could I want?

If I wrote on your paper San, I'd say:
Sweetie, you are strong, intelligent and well spoken.  You have an ability to cut right to the problem and allow others to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Your thoughtfulness and heart have picked me up so many times friend.  I adore you and am so so so grateful for you being in my life

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I would also feel some strong emotions about the lack of contact from your Mr - it must be very hard to cope with, but I hope very much that you are ok, and that you can find your way through it.  Hopefully he will finally make some contact so you can talk to each other about things.  It's the lack of knowing sometimes that can be the worst thing - at least I think so.
Just wanted to send you a warm and supportive hug, and also let you know that you are a wonderful person.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

el, the stint on the porch was perfect.  i'm going back there this evening.  lots to just be with  thanks for being there, for being you.

deep blue, somehow you touch a part of me that was missing from my mother - like you hear my child and respond to her.  well, it's what you do with kids, isn't it.  and, you're terrific at it.  i've gone over what you said many, many times, and i can't thank you enough for saying it.  just want you to know that you are a precious gem in my life, and i'm so grateful for you.

hope, i swear you're one of the angels that walk the earth.  your gentleness and kindness always show thru in your responses, and touch my heart like angel wings.  thank you so much - you are precious to me.

well, i'm celebrating my freedom today.  sent a simple email to the mr.  subject:  communication.  body of the email:  i'm done.

i know i'll have to let feelings and stuff run thru my mind, and that may take awhile, but i'm officially finished with him.  too volatile, too unreliable, too irresponsible, too unstable - the list goes on, but that's enough for this rant.  it's like i had to give him enough rope and he'd either tie it up in a pretty bow or hang himself with it.  so, it's dead.

had a long talk about it with my d, too, and shared what everyone here said to me.  all of you have helped me so much thru this, but, yes, i'm thru it and i'll be more than ok.  my d said she thought our personalities were polar opposites, so she didn't understand the relationship at all.

well, it was mostly about me getting laid, getting some of my touch needs met.  of course i invested emotionally in him, but i always do that.  i'm ok with being single again.  it was what it was, it was very good for some parts - we gave each other parts that had been taken away from us by others, but in the end, he's not ready for an adult relationship.  gotta watch out for those boys with mommy issues.

still, no regrets.  glad i did it, now i'm glad it's over.  thank you all for your help and support and validation with this.  on to bigger and better things.  love and hugs to all of you - you're the best, truly.  i've told my d how very personal some of us have gotten on this forum, she's been amazed.  altho she's also been helped by online support groups, she's never encountered what i've experienced here.

like someone once said, she's been surprised at how important the people here have become in her life.  so have i, and i wouldn't trade any of you. 

[sanmagic7]

grieving emotions hit me last nite.  mad and sad, but also glad it's over.  i was knowing even while it was going on that it was way too stressful to be healthy for me, but now i'm beginning to feel the lessening of the stress, and that feels better.  so, another chapter closed, but one that was reaffirming, recharging, and renewing. 

i think i'll move on to a new journal from here - ch. 5.  this seems like a good ending point for this one.  i'm ready to be single.  don't have the desperate urge for a man in my life.  that's been with me for so long, and suddenly it's lessened quite a bit.  it feels different, but good. 

i wonder how much that need to have a man in my life came from insecurity within myself to take care of myself.  it was always, for so long, a need for not only one man, but often even a backup.  right at this moment, that need is diminished.  i may have needed this 'relationship' to put that stuff in place.

at any rate, i'll continue from here in another journal.  this ch. is finished.

[Elphanigh]

I am so proud of you for recognizing what you needed to do here. The feelings of grief and sadness will pass, of that I am certain. I am sending you so much love and healing for your new chapter my dear. 

[Deep Blue]

A new journal and a new chapter sounds perfect San.  If I'm being honest, the new place with your d, is a fresh start anyway. (Leave the Mr in the old chapter  )

I am so happy I can help you where your mother didn't.  I think that need to help others and my mama bear meld together. 

On to better things     To you friend