ch. 4 -- around the next corner

sanmagic7 · August 10, 2018, 01:51:35 PM

thanks, my dearest el. i'm feeling better today. did more research yesterday, and this possibly happened cuz of my increased walking, increased sweating, but i didn't up the intake of water to compensate. something to keep in mind. i really don't want to go thru this again.

still tired. it's been a long week. feeling a bit more settled, tho, every day. i'm glad of that. little by little.

Elphanigh · August 10, 2018, 02:32:43 PM

I am glad to hear you are feeling better today. Still rest as dehydration is a doosy

sanmagic7 · August 13, 2018, 02:14:40 PM

doing ok. still involved with the mr. - that seems to be my focus right now. he seems to be coming out from behind his wall a bit more every time we speak. we're looking to seeing each other next mon. don't know if that will be awkward or not, but it feels like it will be joyful just to see each other's smiles.

some of the awkwardness of this is cuz my d is grieving the loss of her soulmate and best friend. i don't want to flaunt a lot of the mr. and me and how glad we'll be to be together in her face - she's pretty fragile right now, had a big, sad talk with her ex last nite. it's hard for me as her mom to have to see her in such pain.

on the other hand, i'm feeling spurts of happy, even joy for what's going on with me. it's a rather strange situation to be in.

on another note, i noticed again this morning that my body is still filled with tension, even as i sit here typing. i still can't physically relax. that's kind of frustrating. i've been tensed up (3roses called it 'armored up') for so long that i don't know how to unwind it. at this point massages don't help cuz they hurt too much.

one night my d was going to massage my foot cuz the tendons on the top of it were sore from walking. i had been rubbing them - very tender and painful. she offered to do that for me as a lovely gift, yet when i moved my foot toward her, i felt myself tense up really tightly against the pain i knew i'd feel. i had to turn her down. it sucks when something needed and wanted, even welcomed, has to be pushed aside because it will hurt too much. that's just not right.

for the most part, tho, i'm doing pretty good. some of my jitters about the mr. are calming down altho i feel a little giddy, like a 16-yr. old about the whole thing. it's all feeling odd. he's making some changes that are amazing me, but feeling good at the same time. it's a different world.

at this age, this may be my last chance, and i'm going for it. if it doesn't work, it won't be for lack of trying. that's all i can ask of myself - go for it. so, i am. at least i won't regret not giving it a shot, not giving him a second chance to make things right between us. this has been stressful, tho, i'll admit that. i hope it'll be worth it.

Hope67 · August 13, 2018, 03:18:40 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 02:14:40 PM
i'm going for it. if it doesn't work, it won't be for lack of trying. that's all i can ask of myself - go for it. so, i am. at least i won't regret not giving it a shot, not giving him a second chance to make things right between us. this has been stressful, tho, i'll admit that. i hope it'll be worth it.

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you have a lovely time with Mr, and that it all goes well.

to you.
Hope

sanmagic7 · August 13, 2018, 09:29:19 PM

thanks hope, very much. we'll just have to see how it goes.

got 'permission' from my d today (reluctantly, in an 'i don't care anymore, mom' fashion) that he can stay over when he comes. i'll let him know tonite. so, i don't know if we'll still go camping or not - part of me actually wants to yet cuz i think it would be fun. still, having bathroom amenities available doesn't sound bad, either. another, 'we'll see.'

we're having a buttload of people staying with us, beginning thurs., none of whom i know. my d's thing is my being sexual. she said she'd wear her earphones while he was here, stay in her room. well, i think we'll be able to sort some of that out - i don't want her to feel like that, either. i didn't realize this would be so convoluted. i guess i've had so many different experiences in this area that she hasn't had, it's pretty weird for her. hopefully, it will work out well and this can all be put aside in a pos. way. ugh.

sanmagic7 · August 15, 2018, 12:11:16 PM

my d and i had a long talk about what went down between her and me, and the results were surprising and eye-opening. she told me she felt like i've been pushing on her to let him stay over, thought that i was angry with her and made her feel like she's been the bad guy when originally when we talked about it and she felt uncomfy with him staying over cuz she didn't know him i had agreed to let her take her time till she was comfortable.

then i continued to push the subject against that agreement, and what was up with that? she told me she thought there was some anger in me over this, and i said that she'd probably know better if i was angry than i would (the alexithymia thing). then, i dug deep, admitted that there had been something sticking into me, couldn't acknowledge it or recognize what it was.

finally, it came out. i was feeling mad that it felt like i couldn't make decisions about who i could have here, in the place where i lived, and i didn't like it. then the tears came and i knew i'd just outed another truth. she hugged me, told me she loved me, than said that she understands how that 'pushing' could've been my defenses against what again felt like rules that were enforced upon me, keeping me from doing what i wanted, and that i'd gone thru that a lot.

2 of the most recent examples were cultural restrictions on being a mexican wife - where i could go on my own, who i could be seen with or have lunch with or invite into my home, stuff like that -, and the house i was living in with the landlady who was intrusive, had strict rules about all kinds of stuff (altho she didn't always follow them herself), and the ensuing tension.

my d told me she knew that it would take time for me to realize what a healthy relationship felt like - dang, it's been so long since i've had one, besides with her, and she and i have worked hard and long to get it that way - and i said this kind of thing made me realize - again - how damaged i am, and how sorry i am to put it on her like this. it was so emotional, but my truth was outed, and we felt closer afterward.

dang and a half - this crapola can be really difficult at times. but, glad it came out.

me and the mr. (thank you, sceal) seem to be rolling right along, in a very good way. we both agreed it's becoming easier. he even talked about me being his girlfriend, which is kinda fun, but feels strange at the same time cuz i'm so old! still, i guess it's a way to define that this relationship has moved up a level. more than friends with benefits kind of thing, so that feels ok. it's hard to get used to, tho. i haven't been a girlfriend in a long time. a little giggly, like back to being 16.

so, i talked to him about my talk with my d, and we'll not be staying at the house this visit, but the 3 of us will go out to lunch together, see how that goes. that'll be next mon.

in the meantime, beginning tomorrow, we'll be having overnight guests thru the weekend. today is housecleaning day to get ready. they're all friends of my d's, so i'll be pretty much on the sidelines, which is fine with me. we've been running so much since we moved in, i'll be glad for a few days off, time to myself. they'll all have fun, i have no doubt. until mon., when it'll be my turn. really looking forward to it. o my.

sanmagic7 · August 16, 2018, 11:25:25 AM

very tired again today. my sleep has been majorly messed with 2 nites in a row, and i feel pretty awful. going to lay low the rest of the day now. company's coming today.

Elphanigh · August 16, 2018, 01:39:47 PM

Sending a big warm embrace, and one of my favorite soft blankets. It is perfect for rest of any sort and I have it all set with tons of calming and healing energy

Lots of love to you always

Hope67 · August 16, 2018, 06:35:57 PM

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you a calm and restful sleep and hope that you are enjoying that wonderful soft blanket that kind Elpha has brought. Lovely calming and healing energy - I can feel it radiating here - lovely.
Hope

Andyman73 · August 17, 2018, 09:14:03 PM

Dearest San,
Been a while. Sorry for my absence. Found out, right after last I was here, that my grandma is dying. End stage liver disease AND liver cancer(both), and a few other things too. Doctors gave her 2 months...which would be end of September. And if so, she'll be 89 on Sept, 10th. (9/10).

This has thrown me for a loop! Not so much her impending passing, as much as how it's effecting everything within me. So I been all out of sorts lately. IT's been making me dissociate a lot...and everything seems to be distracting me at every turn. Almost like keeping me away from here...could even be a bit of a defense mechanism?

Hope you continue regaining your rest and strenght, my dearest Freind.

Lots of love and hugs for you

sanmagic7 · August 20, 2018, 02:16:14 PM

el, hope, and andy - thank you so much. you all mean the world to me.

just an update: i was in the e.r. for stress-related symptoms which i originally thought were caused by CO poisoning, as the detector in my room would randomly start chirping since we moved in here. the fire dept. came to check the house - nothing here - but because i had some muscle pain in my chest, and my lungs were giving me some problems, (the CO test was neg.), they wanted to do a full cardio workup.

we got halfway thru (i got the ekg, it was fine), she tried to put a something in my vein, hit a nerve, had to take it out cuz i was in so much pain, when i realized this was from all the stress of getting this relationship off the ground and trying to negotiate between my d and the mr. about him sleeping here.

i'm ok - as soon as i realized it was all stress-related, i left the e.r. (a.m.a.), went home, and eventually talked to him about what went on and why. it was a good talk, and i got the best sleep i've had in years that nite. so, he's coming to visit today, and he told me i'm his best friend, and that he's scared all the time. yep, he's got trauma in his background, too.

so, i was able to calm him somewhat so he could get some sleep before the 1 1/2 hr. drive to get here. it put me at ease, oddly enough, when he shared his constant fear - it was like, ok, now i know what i'm dealing with, i know what this beast looks like and how to maneuver around it. strangely comforting. how weird is that.

we're excited to see each other, and i think we're going to have a lot of talking to do about stuff he's never dreamed that anyone else would understand. i think it's going to be more than ok, and that we'll be able to help each other. i know he's already helped me immensely in regaining a sense of being a desirable woman, (even at my age), and he's very intelligent but enjoys talking to me, so that's been affirmed for me as well.

plus, he's allowing some vulnerability with me, which i find refreshing. that's new in my relationships for the most part. at any rate, i think it'll go better than either of us thought, and will especially be surprising to him. he can use a friend, and i'm happy to be in that role for him. i'm able to use him for one as well, which is nice since i've pretty much gotten rid of everyone i'd held close to me. too toxic, but it took me a long time to figure that out.

so, if he and i can keep talking, making those important adjustments necessary to every relationship, i think we'll be more than fine. i'm looking forward to finding out.

Hope67 · August 20, 2018, 02:46:28 PM

Hi SanMagic,
This sounds wonderful - the part about you looking forward to spending your time with Mr - and I hope it goes really well. Sorry to hear you were in the E.R. - but glad you're ok now, and I very much hope that you have a lovely time with your Mr.

to you SanMagic, and I am glad he sees you for the desirable and lovely woman that you are.
Hope

Elphanigh · August 20, 2018, 05:30:39 PM

Sending lots of love your way

I am so glad you got calmed down and talked with him. Things really seem to be going well for you two, even if rocky at times.

Deep Blue · August 20, 2018, 06:58:25 PM

Sweet San
I'm sorry to hear about the trip to the er. I'm glad that you know the cause, but I hope you are taking care of yourself none the less. As you know, that much stress can be very damaging to your health.

You are strong and brave. So strong and brave that maybe you didn't realize how much stress you were under? All that tiredness... could have been stress don't you think?

So much love sweetie
Deep Blue

sanmagic7 · August 23, 2018, 10:43:01 PM

hope, thanks for the well wishes. i so do appreciate them. you are so sweet and generous when it comes to that.

el, love the love and hugs - thank you. and also for the good wishes for the two of us.

deep blue, i believe you were absolutely right about the amount of stress i was under and not realizing it at all. it really felt like a push-pull between him and her, and i was caught in the middle trying to make it ok for everyone. so i cracked. but not broken. thanks for all the love - it really helps.

just a short note cuz i'm s\till very tired. my time with him was so very good, so much talking and laughing. lunch with my d went well, but she's still on the fence. i guess she just wants to make sure that it'll be ok for me. no, he's not happy to hear about it - i think he'd come here every week if he could stay at the house. i don't think i'm ready for that, tho.

to be honest, i'm very tired from it all, just want time to recuperate and regroup. but it went really well, better than i expected, actually. we've decided to be an exclusive couple, which, to me, is a nice step. otherwise, it's a day at a time. we'll see what happens. i'm smiling, tho.