ch. 4 -- around the next corner

Started by sanmagic7, March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM

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Blueberry

san, maybe you could write it on Recovery Letters and see how you feel about it after a few days? Then if you do decide to send it, you could delete it on here.

fwiw I've done a fair bit of symbolic giving back but it's all been in T, it has helped though. I don't think 'giving back' in my FOO would do anything. They just wouldn't get it, I'd waste my energy trying to write it down.  So for you the question might be: Will you get more out of actually giving it back to him or just getting it out of your house? There are rituals you can do for just getting it out of your house, like writing it down and burning or throwing in the river or burying in the ground...

Over on OOTF they advise against giving PD people ammunition to use against you. So another question: Could your ex use any of the information you write down against you emotionally? Or just get you (back?) in a debate with him, those circular conversations? check OOTF Glossary or What Not To Do for further info.

sanmagic7

thanks for the support, wattlebird.  i appreciate it.

blueberry, i realized that i've walked this road before here in my journal, asked for thoughts/opinions, and have gotten some good ones.  i didn't realize that i was walking around in this minefield again until after i wrote about it.  so, it seems that without sending it, it is going to continue to raise its ugly head.  and i'm tired of that.

your suggestions are great, thank you.   i have already ritualistically gotten rid of written stuff toward him thru burning and walking it out to the trash to get it out of my house.  the difference here is that he is the only one i haven't truly confronted in a thorough way, nor has he ever responded the way the other 2 have.  that might be the difference here.

i have no feelings or thoughts about getting backlash - he's tried that before when i've done some of this stuff piecemeal with him, but he never was able to withstand my ammunition re: all this stuff, and as the years have gone on i've only gathered more.  he can't hurt me - i've apologized for my sins in our marriage.

i think i'll end up sending it.  it will not be an angry attack, but rather it's facts that i've not confronted him with, have not called things by their proper name in a straightforward manner.  in the past, i was being as gentle as possible so as not to crush his ego, to support him so that he could find a different way, and basically pampering him as if he were a vulnerable child.

emotionally, that may be, but he's been in therapy long enough, has lied thru most of it, and i believe it's time for me to take care of myself, cuz this is hurting me, hurting my relationships, and i think i need to put an end to it.  he's an adult.  he can either be accountable or not - up to him.  if not, nothing has changed, but i've at least gotten this out of me (all my pounding, writing, talking to others, sounding off about it here - i've even already written a letter to him on the forum a while ago has not helped.

scared to death to stick up for myself, tho, and put this crapola where it belongs.  the anger i felt yesterday has abated, but i don't doubt it's lying in wait.  this is not a good way to live.  maybe i'll write it here first.  when i wrote here before, it made a difference for awhile, but it came back.  it felt good for a few days, but sucked when it returned and has been burrowing at the edge of my mind ever since.

this is hard.  i think i'm tired of protecting him, letting him think that i don't know about him.  that was true for so long, and i did my best to make our marriage one of love and laughter, but i was confused almost all the time besides being left to manage the madness while he stayed away and, he has admitted, he checked out during all that time.  he didn't want to deal with it (misogynists as well as npd's do that) and left me the burden and the belief that whatever went wrong was my fault.  i believe i need to share that with him.  we'll see, but i'm breathing really hard just writing about it.  that tells me something.

thanks for the support and input.  so glad i have this place.

Blueberry

hey san, it sounds as if you know what you're doing here and why. Standing with you however you decide  :hug:

sanmagic7

thanks, sweetie.  that alone strengthens my resolve, and my belief that it will be a good thing for me.  don't care what it is for him anymore.  i think that's a step forward.   :hug:

sanmagic7

ok, i sent it.  numb right now, don't know what emotions i may feel later.  but, it's friggin' done.

Deep Blue

Hey San,
Sitting with you  :hug:  let's take our time... my arm is around you and we can take some deep breaths together till you feel more grounded. 

You are brave, you are strong, you did the right thing.

Three Roses

Quotescared to death to stick up for myself, tho, and put this crapola where it belongs.

OH man, this hit me right in the feels! I just went thru this the other day, telling my sibling (my ex-brother?) that I don't want further contact with him. All that day and the next I was a wreck. Even tho it was the right thing for me, and was appropriate and healthy for me, and I wasn't mean.... But MAN how we've been indoctrinated into taking care of these NPD's! It goes so deep.

Sitting with you with a nice cup of tea. 🍵 (there is magically enough for anyone who wants to join us)

Sceal

 :bighug: candlelights and favourite tea all around!
Proud of you for standing up for yourself. Thats a big thing! big step!  :hug:

Andyman73

San,
My darling sister, I have missed you. Things have been quite heavy for me these past few weeks. With new realizations and my grandmother illness and passing. I did start a new thread yesterday involving one of the new issues I'm struggling with.
I hope you've been as well as you can be. Which is what any of us could hope for.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

sanmagic7

deep blue, i will wallow in your embrace today.  thank you for that validation, too.  it was great to read that, pure and simply spoken.  felt like it just cut thru the b.s. of my wishy-washiness.  it was perfect.

3roses, absolutely goes so deep.  i've known this man for over 50 yrs., we were in high school together, and everyone in our bunch made excuses for him, never took him to task.  it was an entire community of enablers!  i'm very glad for you that you did it, as much as it was nerve-wracking.   we're moving forward, killing the beast by a death of 1000 cuts.

thanks, sceal.  i do so love those candles.  favorite tea would be lemon grass, i think.  i appreciate so much your support, you don't even know.

so, yesterday, i sat with this, not really feeling anything.  weird thing was i ate comfort foods as if i was anticipating terrible emotional upset, but it never came.  automatic response to an expectation.  i think i need to keep an eye out for that in the future.  by night, i mentally scanned myself for residual effects.  i felt kind of hollow, actually, which was a surprise.  i was expecting to feel something, like relief, but i didn't.  didn't quite feel like a tumor was removed, either, altho i kind of looked for that cuz of the hollow feeling.

a wave of guilt washed over me at one point, but i surprised myself by mentally swatting it away, and it went.  that happened a couple more times, each time the wave was smaller, each time i swatted.  it wants to grab hold of me but i'm pushing it down.  i don't need no stinkin' guilt!

it was a big step, tho.  i don't know if i have any other feelings that may come up later, but i'll get them out here if they do show their faces.  i never can tell.

this morning, as i was lying in bed, there felt like there was some residual stuff there that i could've included in the email.  i briefly thought of sending another one, sort of a 'there's more' type of thing, but for some reason it didn't seem to fit.  instead, what came to my mind was that i was full of a black tar-like residue within me, and i needed to get that out.

back when i was training for emdr, i was doing work in our session on that icky therapist, and i remembered how i expunged a whole raft of tarry gunk while trying to process her crapola.  this came to mind this morning, and it felt like the same type of gunk inside me.  so, i did some tapping on myself, and sure enough, that tarry stuff came out in a ribbon.

i imagined a hose leading from my mouth to my open window, tapped away while the tar spewed out of me into the universe.  it took about 20 min. to clean it out.  afterwards, i did some stretches, crunches, and walked down to the ocean.  physical stuff seemed to be in order after the purge, and i just went with it.

so, right now, i'm feeling a bit empty, but clearer.  something's changed within me.  don't feel like stuffing food down my face.  i'm a bit tingly, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing.  it feels like a cleansing, like i'm cleaner inside, and more able to receive the positives i've been getting from the people in my life.  like it's ok to feel this goodness, care, sweetness that they've been pouring onto me.

like it's not going to run off my back but can be absorbed and enjoyed.  what a strange feeling.  i feel calmer, too.  not so worried, not so tense.  man, carrying his crapola around has been so unhealthy for me.  i'm realizing this at this very moment while i write.  didn't know it could really make a difference like this.  o my heart, it's been like a cancer has been removed! 

like when that cancer was cut off my scalp, and i began feeling better physically little by little because it was gone.  could that be what's going to happen here?  i'm just writing this as it's coming to my mind.  i guess we'll see.

thank you all for your support with this, whether you wrote or not, i know you're there with me.  this may be bigger than i thought.  still tingling.  less tension in my body.  wow.  can this really be? 

andy, just got your post.  thank you for all the hugs and well wishes.  sorry about your grandmother.  love and hugs right back to you, bro.

Three Roses

Quoteright now, i'm feeling a bit empty, but clearer.  something's changed within me

:cheer:

Blueberry

Wow, that was some process this morning san! Good on you for sticking with it and through it. Glad you're feeling clearer at least.  :hug: :hug:

sanmagic7

thanks for the cheers, 3roses.  love that validation and support.

thanks, blueberry.  it feels like i'm kind of following where it takes me.  it does feel good to feel clearer.

this morning there was a bit more residue, so i tapped at it again.  it's much diminished now.  i don't feel like i need to write more of this to him, of which i'm glad.  the tapping has been effective at reducing that urge and the neg. that goes with it.  i did expel more of the 'tar', tho, out to the universe, which i know will take care of it. 

it's amazing to me how much of that gunk has resided within me.  it must have been there all these years (over 20 now).  no wonder i'd get stuck - tar is gooey.  yesterday, after doing all this, i ate light, exercised, had some good energy.  i'm hoping for the same today. 

this may be clearing the way for healthier eating and being.  i'm hoping for a decrease in the tension, too, that i've carried around so long.  it would certainly feel lovely to have a relaxed feeling about my body.  strange how these emotions can cause so much havoc physically.  i know the body keeps the score, but hearing/reading it and experiencing it are very different.

i think i'll do some tapping on relaxing.  maybe just one muscle group this morning.  my upper back seems a bit squiggly right now.  could be that movement of emotions is causing tension/stress.  it would be nice to remove it.  on the other hand, i may just need to let it work its way out on its own time.  don't know for sure.  we'll see.

i did feel a few pangs of sympathy for my ex that i swatted away like i swatted away the guilt.  then i thought, he is a very unhappy man, hates himself.  that is too bad, actually.  still, i won't apologize for what i said in that email.  it was all true, and that's not up to me to fix it or change it.  he knows it's true.  he made choices.  he didn't have to do what he did.

felt good to write that out.  deep breath.  more relaxed now.  it's just been a crummy situation and i can only take care of me and my end of it.  what's done is done, what was, was.  i have to take care of me.  tears beginning now, very sad that this happened.  i did love him.  now i hate what he did, hate him for doing it.  i'll have to let that hate be neutralized in another dimension.  my guardian angel will take care of it so it doesn't go out into the world.  there's enough negativity there already.

still, maybe in time i won't feel like that.  i don't know.  i think i'm grieving.

Andyman73

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
San, sound like you made a big breakthru today! Lots of love and hugs Sis!!!

Wattlebird

It sounds like grieving to me but hey I am probably not the best judge, I have enough trouble recognising my own emotions. I'm sorry ur haveing a hard time and I'm sending some hugs to help
:hug: :hug: