Hello!

[LunchBar]

Hello!

After years and years of 'research' and much angst, I'm hoping I'm at the right place here...
Looking forward to some enlightenment.
At the very least I hope I can leave a little smile  if I'm not here long.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi LunchBar, and welcome! I hope you'll find something enlightening here. Even if you don't - I've found that there are many many kind, friendly, supportive people here, so it's a good place to be.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome Lunchbar     Ditto what Cat and Bheart wrote - lots of supportive people here if/when you want to post more about yourself 

[C.]

Welcome Lunchbar    I look forward to learning together and hope that you find  :thumbup:enlightenment and support here!

[LunchBar]

Thank you for the kind welcome.

So having read a few posts from other members, I realize I share many sentiments and even stories.
One of my concerns, like others, is that I don't have horrific tales of physical abuse. I understand that all our stories are valid and warrant respect and compassion no matter who they come from or what they are.

Still, there is a level of dysfunction in my current life that I cannot shake.

Intellectually I can understand the psychological-logic of how I wound up this way, but at my core I feel fundamentally flawed and incapable. More so because from the outside my story is 'tame' and yet I have a completely irrational fear of the world. A fear and repulsion of people that doesn't quite match what I know to be true.

I have been privileged enough to hear the stories of many people from all sorts of backgrounds. Some are tales of love and some of the most terrible, gut-wrenching abuse. Sometimes I'm deeply moved. Other times I'm horribly judgmental. Every time is, however, a reflection of how I see my own story.

No matter how much I know and understand, my self-depreciation and hopelessness is all-consuming. I have a very loud Super-ego that serves as survival-no-matter-what. It tells me to "just get over my past" and get on with things. And yet, I'm clearly not functioning at all.

I'm not sure I'm ready to make C-PTSD 'my' label (or any other diagnosis for that matter), nor am I even willing to adopt my story as an identity, but I do know that I look like a textbook candidate for C-PTSD from the outside.

I've explored everything from schizotypal, bipolar, avoidant, borderline, hyperchondriac, social phobia, GAD, ADHD to Autism spectrum, and "just plain lazy" (none of which really fit)... and somewhere in between, C-PTSD.

Perhaps I'll hang around a bit more.

Thank you again 

[Kizzie]

You are most welcome to hang around and see if the forum helps you Lunchbar.      

I don't have overt tales of horror either and wasn't able to see the abuse for what it was for decades. I too felt like it must be me when all was said and done, but reprimanding, criticizing myself just never worked. I dragged myself up by the boot straps, slapped on a "normal" face and hid my self for most of my life, but inside things never changed.

You write "I have a very loud Super-ego that serves as survival-no-matter-what. It tells me to "just get over my past" and get on with things. And yet, I'm clearly not functioning at all." And therein lies the biggest clue of all.   There is a truth that our self (soul some might call it?) knows and simply will NOT be quiet about until we give it some attention and see what it is trying to tell us. Perhaps your Superego or Inner/Outer Critic an internalized version of your perpetrator(s)?  I'm glad you hear you're willing to at least have a look at that 

I personally am grateful for the label of CPTSD because it finally gives me an explanation of all that I feel and a direction "out of the storm" as it were. I never had the complete or true picture before now and was basically adrift in that storm.  That said, I am not my CPTSD, I have CPTSD which is an important distinction. I had cancer in 2007 and I remember sitting waiting for my chemo, hair gone and knowing my cancer was defining me simply because of that and I looked up and saw this poster.  It said "I am NOT my cancer, I have cancer."   And it went on to say I am happy, silly, smart    ... I am a mother/father, spouse, musician, ............"   Big moment in my recovery from cancer and now in my recovery from CPTSD. 

Glad to have you on board for however long you choose to stay!