Blank spots, intense pain, concerned **TW**

[JuniperShadow]

Thank you in advance to anyone who can help me, or even just make me feel less alone.
Originally I wanted to know if anyone had experienced blank spots, but reading this section tells me that a lot of you do.

Through (therapist-guided) EMDR I have run into an unusual (for me) completely physical/emotional memory. They taught me in college that trauma is always vividly recalled, so I am concerned that if the memory is mostly physical then it is false. The idea that I might have invented it makes me feel ashamed.  On the other hand the pain from this event is very present and very real right this moment. I can't shake it. It hurts so bad.

Does a blank spot reflect on how true the memory is?
Does the accuracy of the memory even matter if it was similar to other events that certainly did occur?
And how do I make this pain go away now that I've remembered it until i can deal properly at my next EMDR session?

What I think happened:
***** TW Medical, SA ******
I believe I was subjected to an involuntary  pelvic examination age 4 during which I was restrained and injured during my struggles.

I tried finding medical records, but it happened too long ago. I did see some online images of my old pediatrician's building that triggered some physical sensations and memories of a nightmare I had as an older child where I was pregnant and trapped and I knew if I could just get out of the office I wouldn't have to have the baby.
*********** END TW **************

[Dee]

I'm really tired this evening or I would write more.  My blank spots are attributed to dissociation.  I can remember beginnings, endings, and nothing in the middle.  I often to get a image, but I am unsure of it.  I think that it is a flash of what was otherwise lost in dissociation.  It is the flash I am unsure of, the rest I know.  I suspect though that those flashes are accurate.

[Blueberry]

They taught me in college that trauma is always vividly recalled, so I am concerned that if the memory is mostly physical then it is false. The idea that I might have invented it makes me feel ashamed.  On the other hand the pain from this event is very present and very real right this moment. I can't shake it. It hurts so bad.

There are visual flashbacks and there are physical and emotional flashbacks. As far as I know, visual flashbacks often occur with PTSD, while emotional ones (EFs) usually with CPTSD. I would say my physical ones are mixed up with my EFs.

Your memory is very unlikely to be false. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

Like Dee, I would write more if I weren't so tired.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi I just wanted to agree with the other comments, through my own emdr process I have stopped half way through and said to my therapist I don't think that happened, I made that up, I've imagined that etc, she tells me I haven't it's just parts of the trauma you don't either wish to remember or were just stored away really quickly probably because it's too hard to deal with or process at that time, therefore resulting in blank spots or parts that don't make sense, I dissociated a lot as a child and still do as an adult, this makes it hard, during emdr I often switch off completely and have no idea what I was supposed to be processing, my therapist gets round this by doing it in really short bursts, I stop after every scene we talk about it and start again, my flashbacks lately are emotional ones where I suddenly feel completely helpless and can't cope with the inner anxiety, I've just done inner Child work which got me to breaking point now I'm finding it so hard to pick myself back up, sorry I've taken over your problem, but when you go for emdr again the idea is that what ever has come up for you afterwards can then be re processed through emdr again, I guess it could go on forever but I know it's helped me a lot but the in between appointment times are a killer and I really struggle with that.

[JuniperShadow]

Thank you everyone. It's really helpful to hear from you. 

I can remember beginnings, endings, and nothing in the middle.

Thank, you, Dee. This is an accurate description of this particular memory. Most of my cPTSD is from emotional abuse. It has been easier to access those memories. I start with a physical pain or emotional state and then eventually get that "aha" moment. The younger I go, and the more my physical person is in danger, the more blank spots arise.

As far as I know, visual flashbacks often occur with PTSD, while emotional ones (EFs) usually with CPTSD. I would say my physical ones are mixed up with my EFs.

Thank you Blueberry, that is good to know. I have regular PTSD from a terrible accident as well as cPTSD from the abuse. Sometimes they get all tangled together because both things led to a childhood of feeling unsafe. As I do EMDR I have learned that I keep a LOT of pain in my body from both physical and emotional trauma. Combined with the actual injuries I sustained, it can be hard to separate things out. I often go to my T and point to a body part and say, something wants to come out here. IDK if anyone else has that experience.

Through my own emdr process I have stopped half way through and said to my therapist I don't think that happened, I made that up, I've imagined that etc, ... I dissociated a lot as a child and still do as an adult

That's a big relief to hear, Eyessoblue. I've been dealing with so many adolescent memories and they're much easier to access, but now that I'm remembering pre-school stuff, things get so fuzzy. Because of the dissociation, I often remember things from a birds-eye view and know I made a breakthrough if I "zoom in" and am experiencing the memory from my own point of view. Maybe these young memories I just hadn't developed that dissociation and so everything is raw and confusing. IDK

[sanmagic7]

hey, j.s., there are also somatic memories that relate to traumas - we hold emotions, memories, feelings, thoughts, etc. in our bodies.  this is even more likely, to my mind, if things happened either pre-verbal or before we had the language skills to delineate what was really going on, such as before school age.

i carry a lot of stored emotions that i wasn't able to express in my muscles.  it doesn't take much of a touch to feel pain within them.  massage has helped at times to release what's been hidden in my body.  i don't believe you're making any of it up, don't believe you have false memories.  our bodies don't lie - when they become distressed, there is a reason for it.

just to let you know that you're not alone in this, not falsifying stuff as far as i can tell, and those sensations you feel are valid.  gentle, warm, caring hug to you.  very sorry you're in so much pain.  it's horrible.

[JuniperShadow]

our bodies don't lie - when they become distressed, there is a reason for it.

I want to quote your whole thing, sanmagic!

Before I started this journey I thought the idea of trauma stored in the body was pseudoscience. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, given medication, and profoundly resented anyone who suggested that my emotional or mental state would have anything to do with my daily pain. It wasn't until I broke down crying during a myofacial release PT session that I realized how much is stored in the body.

What you're saying makes so much sense about the body and about pre-verbal reactions. If I could not articulate my situation even mentally, it seems entirely reasonable that I would only remember the physical sensations. That's really interesting. And, also, you know, stinks.

Everyone interacting with me here is really helping. I know my writing style can be really distant and academic (dissociation), but I really appreciate this on an emotional level.

[Blueberry]

hey, j.s., there are also somatic memories that relate to traumas - we hold emotions, memories, feelings, thoughts, etc. in our bodies.  this is even more likely, to my mind, if things happened either pre-verbal or before we had the language skills to delineate what was really going on, such as before school age.

Sort of what I meant about my physical flashbacks being mixed up with my EFs but san articulated it way, way better

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, lots of emotions can be in the body too. If we need physical memory to know how to ride a bike or swim, why can't trauma be in those memories too?

I don't think that's a false memory, really. I don't think someone would try to make up a memory like this on purpose to get attention or manipulate someone and suffer this badly.

I remember an FBI Agent who saw that a woman was talking about sexual abuse, and he found it very strange that the body language for stress wasn't shown much in her body. That's how he figured out it was for attention.

But you? It's really affecting your body and your health. The pain is inside and it shows up there. That's why I know it's true.

[Libby183]

Hi juniper shadow.

I just wanted to say hello as it seems like we may have quite a lot in common.  In particular,  I noticed that you say that your abuse was mostly emotional ; that you have had a diagnosis of fybromyalgia; that you are having EMDR and wondering about the validity of memories.  Just the same for me.

I am sorry that you are in such pain at the moment and wish I had something to offer. Unfortunately,  my EMDR has not been going well. I hope very much that you manage to work through this traumatic memory and, if you feel able,  I would be very interested to know how things go for you.

Take care,

Libby.

[JuniperShadow]

If we need physical memory to know how to ride a bike or swim, why can't trauma be in those memories too?

True! It is well documented that soft tissue such as muscle has the capacity to store information, so why not trauma information! Good point!

I just wanted to say hello as it seems like we may have quite a lot in common... Unfortunately, my EMDR has not been going well... I would be very interested to know how things go for you.

Hi Libby! Well met. That stinks your EMDR has not been productive. There's lots of reasons that could be happening, but if you haven't told your therapist, maybe they can adjust their method. Re: fibro - I always feel compelled to mention to look into the pain that growing scar tissue can cause. Most of us were in some kind of accident or injury that "triggered" the fibro. Turns out, scar tissue keeps growing and adhering to soft tissue throughout the body, causing inflexibility and muscle spasms. Every so often, I have to get mine broken up by a professional myofacial masseuse/PT.  I still have pain, but I don't get those horrible rock-hard muscle spasms (I'm sure you know what I mean). Might not work for you, but I just mention to everyone in case it helps. And if that scar tissue resulted from the same things that caused your cPTSD, it can release some of that trauma.

[sanmagic7]

myofacial massage/pt.  didn't know about this, but it sounds like something i might be interested in.  i've also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, have considerable low back pain that's a constant, and a few times this year related to medical procedures, that pain spread to middle back muscles to the point where it hurt when i coughed.

i knew that new area of pain was from stress/anxiety which was located in my muscles.  i'd asked the doc for a referral for massage or pt, but instead he ordered x-rays and gave me brain pills for nerve pain.  the pills didn't work (i didn't think they would), and the x-rays exacerbated the pain to a level of excruciating for 2 more weeks.

the next time i saw him, i pretty much yelled at him about it, told him how sick i was of docs not listening, that i'd been dealing with my body's issues for 30 years, so i probably know a little more about what's going on with me than he did.  it felt good to get that out.  the new pain also eventually went away on its own as i got back to a more stress-free routine after the surgery.

i'm hoping to get a change in meds this month - xanax seems to help my mind settle, which also seems to help with the pain.  feels like a connection there that could be addressed.  i need similar meds for sleep, but i think the change would help both areas.  meanwhile, i'll ask about this type of massage, too.  thanks for sharing.  i appreciate it.  big hug, lots of love.

[Three Roses]

In his book "In An Unspoken Voice", Peter Levine talks about a lion attack African explorer David Livingston suffered. Although he didn't develop PTSD, every year on the anniversary of the attack he experienced a rash in the area where his injuries were.

Our bodies hold our history, without our even being able to recall the damage.

I once lost the feeling in the left side of my face in response to an abrupt gesture someone made. My face stayed numb for a few days. Your body remembers.