Hey y'all! I'm really curious if others will relate to me on this.
I'm 19, an abuse victim, still in the situation, on treatment (Wellbutrin--lifesaver) for depression, depersonalization, etc. I guess you could say I'm dealing with ctsd, and not cptsd since I'm still here.
My question is my question because I've been extremely lucky. I have one best friend from middle school, two more that I found online in 2015, a great mom, and as of last week an otherworldly-incredible boyfriend. I consider all of these people to be platonic soulmates (and the boyfriend--beginning to believe mutual soulmate).
My dad is the one who has destroyed, and continues to destroy, a lot of my life and my mom's life. Neither my mom or I have family or friends outside of the people I listed above. Everyone either died from old age, or my dad ran them out of our lives. Every corner of my life has been warped in terms of how I connect with other people in a human way because of him. We've been trying to wiggle out for years without much luck.
My middle school friend and I write long messages to each other over facebook at least once a week, and have been on each other's team for years. My mom tries her best to navigate daily survival with me. I'm convinced my two online friends were sent to me personally by the universe. And my boyfriend is rather hellbent on getting my mom and I out of here because he has the resources to help. (Note: He and I have only been back in touch from middle school for four months; we last spoke in 8th grade.)
These people are my only people, and I feel absolutely guilty sometimes for being in their lives and being so lucky as to have met them and be their friend. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve them and that I don't give enough to them in return (even though I logically know I give it my all).
It's absurd, because interpersonal relationships aren't transactional and of course we all care about each other. It's not a chore, THEY aren't a chore, I know I'M not a chore, and yet--I feel like one.
Thoughts and stories and opinions are much welcomed.