Can you leave the light through there on? (Trigger warnings)

[Hope67]

Little Hope wants me to write about her experiences - and maybe she wants to write it in her own words - I'm not sure...  So, over to you Little Hope - tell me about what happened...

"When I was little, I always wanted the 'light through there' to be on, because it helped me to feel safer and it helped me to get to sleep.  But she (NM) turned it off, and then I screamed, because I was so frightened in the dark, it was just so black, and I was too scared, and so I screamed and pleaded with her to 'Put the light through there on'  and it felt like it was forever, like I cried, I screamed.  I saw her looking at me through the door, but she didn't come to hug me, she didn't console me, she just looked and told me to be quiet and to go to sleep.  It went on forever, that's how it seemed. 

I've tried to get Little hope to tell this in her own words, but I can't connect with her just now - it's like she's not here, and yet I know she wanted me to talk about it here - because she told me about it more with snapshots of this memory - of being frightened, but now she's gone somewhere else, and I feel a bit silly writing about it, but I'll continue and leave this here.

I guess when I think about it, I think that Little Hope didn't understand what her NM was trying to do - maybe she was trying to get her to sleep - and not rely on a night light - which was only the light from a corridor - and the door was kept ajar normally so she could see the light, but then the light was turned off, and this was incredibly frightening to Little Hope.  She had so many things that she'd heard, that she'd seen, and experienced as a little child, and the dark was incredibly frightening to her.

I think she is communicating now, as she just flashed an image of my sister into my mind - but I know this is probably from a memory that my sister 'told me about' - which is that when I was little, I used to go into my sister's room and play, and that my sister one morning pretended to be 'dead' - and didn't move, and she told me that I screamed a lot when I tried to get her to move. 

I know Little Hope feels angry about this in a way, because I never knew why my sister wasn't in our family from certain points in time, and how could she pretend to be dead, when later, I sometimes wondered if she had actually died. 

Then I get the images of the film 'The Dark House' where the killer put knitting needles through the necks of people - and killed them, and Little Hope had seen that film when it was on one afternoon - like a Sunday matinee, but then Little Hope couldn't sleep in her bedroom anymore, and screamed and had night terrors constantly for what felt like weeks and weeks, and had to sleep in the lounge.

I think I've written all the things Little Hope wants me to share for now.  I'm interested that I'm not connecting emotionally to this - right at this moment - but I will leave it there, as I know that if I re-read it at a later time, then often I feel absolutely emotion gushing through my system, as if Little Hope will read it - and process it differently - and I find that really helpful - so will go with this.

I hope my trigger warnings have helped anyone who doesn't wish to read such things - and I hope it's not too triggering for anyone. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope and Little Hope, I just want to let you know that I read. I'm sorry Little Hope couldn't feel safe falling asleep the way she would've felt with the light on in the corridor.

I thought about my M who would've acted similarly to yours. She would have said something like with my screams and crying I was trying to blackmail her into doing something. Idk if that's the sort of thing your M did. I guess it's part of this: parent has to be boss, parent has no empathy with child, parent has no idea what might be going on with child and probably doesn't care enough to try and find out.

Hope, FWIW, sometimes when I've written about a really difficult memory I dissociate a bit. I don't feel my emotions and it's almost as if I pull back from what I've written. I definitely split my thoughts from my emotions.

If Little Hope screamed and screamed and it seemed to go on forever - well that sounds like either a very small Little Hope or a very threatening situation or both. It doesn't surprise me that you're not connecting emotionally while writing this. That can be you unconsciously / semi-consciously protecting yourself. There was a long time when I couldn't talk aobut anything from the past without doing this disconnect. I talked about everything from the past in the third person. Blueberry this, Blueberry that.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i give you and little hope so much credit for sharing this in your own way.

i'm  very sorry that you didn't get to have that light on - even now, at my age, when i've been home alone i always kept a light on.  i'll probably do that till my dying day.

warm, loving hug filled with all  the light you need now being sent to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - thank you for reading my post from myself and Little Hope, and for your helpful reply - it was especially helpful to hear what you said about dissociating, because I recognise that - very much so.  I also think that I may often 'intellectualise' rather than 'feel' things, and that is something I'm beginning to realise more and more - but knowing it and acknowledging it, means I can hopefully work my way round to 'feeling' more and that will be good for my moves towards becoming more authentic in my life experience.  Splitting thoughts from emotions - I relate to that.  Thank you for sharing your experience.

Blueberry - does it help in the end to talk about things without the disconnect?  I think you're much further along in your progress than I am - I suspect I will be stuck at the disconnect for some time - especially as I'm not risking going to see a therapist as yet - although I am considering it - as I feel it would be important to 'speak things out loud' - if that makes sense.  So far, it is very much a written focus - and I seem able to 'write' - but actually speaking and hearing my voice 'out loud' - that's a different matter entirely.  I am still ambivalent about this, but think it could be a step forward to do that.

SanMagic - thank you so much for your reply and Little Hope reacted with emotion to what you said about the light - and that you'd have the light on as an adult - when home alone - it's also made perfect sense to Adult Hope - because I know I am scared when home alone - and I do various things to make that experience safer, and I wish that my M had been able to do that for Little Hope - but clearly she didn't understand how frightened Little Hope was, or maybe she actually just didn't care. 

Interesting that last night, in real life, I had a really graphic and realistic night terror - where someone was trying to kill me - and I screamed in real life and woke my partner - who told me he felt like he was going to have a heart attack, as I'd frightened him so much.  I will write about this in the dream section - as I want to keep it there - but I do wonder if maybe I frightened Little Hope too much to talk about these memories of hers - or maybe it was just a coincidence that the night terror happened.  I don't know.

But thank you both for validating Little Hope's feelings, and I know it is helpful to do this process.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I did see your question to me and will get back to you on it 'sometime'.

[sanmagic7]

hope, writing about speaking out loud, hearing your voice, telling something to another person really struck a chord with me.  when i was involved with support groups, it really did make a difference to me to say things out loud with others present.  it was like i was able to hear it through their ears.

even talking with someone one on one helps bring clarity to me in a different way than writing.  i give you a lot of credit for beginning to consider seeing someone.  do you talk to your partner about this stuff, your concerns, fears, what's going on?  if so, does that help you to hear yourself say it out loud to someone else?  even tho my hub didn't always understand, if i asked him to just listen while i talked it out he would, and it was helpful to me.

i'm sorry you had that horrible night terror.  they're awful.  something must be moving around in your subconscious, is my guess.  one thing i learned about death in dreams is that it may not be a physical death, but the death of something that isn't useful anymore in order to make room for the birth of something else, or that a change of some kind is imminent.  just a guess.

at any rate, i hope you're feeling a bit more stable today.  you deserve some dreamless sleep, at the very least, and i hope you get it tonite.  love and a big hug, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - there's no rush in answering my question to you - I had forgotten completely that I wrote this thread, and have only just noticed your reply and that of SanMagic today!

Hi SanMagic - Thank you for what you said.  Yes, I do talk to my partner about things - out loud - and it does help.  I have also talked to a couple of very close friends too - in person, so out loud again.  It has also helped.  It's definitely good to do that.

It feels so different to 'say it aloud' than it does to 'write about it' - and for years, I couldn't express myself all that well verbally, but could do when writing. 

Anyway, I'm glad to have read your replies today - and I realise I don't know how to 'follow' posts to know when there have been replies... so I must miss quite a few replies and not realise it.  But anyway, I'm here today - and have read them today - and thank you!

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hi big and little hopes!!! 

WE don't remember being scared of dark, but, we always had lights on for twin brother, so ... maybe it worked out for us too.  WE did have(and still do  ) such nighmares that m would come to wake us, so we'd stop screaming in terror and wake our brouthers up. No comforting, that we rememver either. 

Little hope, is okay to have little lights on. REally, is okay. You not need be scared, kk?  We sorry you m turned light off, that not nice at all. Little bitty light not hurt no one, so is okay leave it on. We would leave light on for you.

Lots of times we write like this, cuz big Andy sometmes can't do it too well. So spelling gets messy too. But we a team of Andys so we stick together and help.  Big Andy can write just fine, but hims feelings and head thoughts get too muvh for him and we help so he don't hurts his inside head too much.   WE gets in trouble if big Andy goes away, cuz we maybe say things that makes moderators unhappy.

[Hope67]

Hi Andyman,
I would like to thank you for your reply here - I know you posted it a long time back, but I've just read it now - and thank you so much.   
Hope