Met with T - loosing sense of reality

[Cookido]

Met the therapist today and it didn't go well. I'm so disappointed and feels like I'm on square one again.

The T. started asking about the trauma 5 min into the conversation. I answered what I could, I had a feeling it was necessary. I was surprised still because she should have read my refferal with several pages of my journal.

Eventually I realised there was no point in me telling except having conversation. How is it helping to conversate about my trauma? I feel like crying just thinking about it. I asked if the T. knew about dissociation. She said no. I explained what happens when I dissociate and the issues around it and I asked how she will deal with that. She said she hope she will notice if I dissociate and hopefully help me out of it. Okay, but how, if you don't know anything about it!?

I feel offended that she read my journal and felt she could deal with my problems. I'm thinking that I will give her a second chance next meeting, to explain what it was about my problems she felt she could support me in.

I also asked if there was a plan or anything for the therapy and she said no. I'm just gonna go there and talk about what I feel like that day. But what about dealing with trauma, dissociation, flashbacks, stress, numbness, lack of trust, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts, inner child and critic. Will that just solve itself in the process of me talking about whatever I'm able to talk about?

I'm so confused. I feel small and worthless, like my issues don't excist. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I even think that maybe OOTS is just some comforting part of my imagination that I made up to not feel so lonely. How f*cked up is that!? No person I meet in person takes my issues seriously. They don't believe in them. They don't know or understand them. How can it be real then?

I realise I can dump this T. and re-do the whole process. I can in theory. But in practice, I don't think I can.

[sanmagic7]

it is real no matter how many others don't know about it, cookido.  don't ever doubt that.  and we here are not imaginary, either.  we are real, we hear you, we get it.  we've also been thru what you're experiencing with your t.  i know i have several times, including just this year.  it sucks.

unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your t knows very much at all about complex trauma.  if she doesn't know about dissociation, you're right, how could she tell if you do so in her office?  let alone help you with it.

i'm associated with an online support system for trauma therapists, and most of them don't know about complex trauma or dissociation.  back when i was in grad school, and even at my trauma trainings, the concept of complex trauma, how it looks, what's involved, what it's about was never even broached.  although i trained over 20 yrs. ago, i really didn't know much about it till i began my own research into narc abuse about 4 yrs. ago.

a t should be looking at a treatment plan with you, should be jointly setting up goals with you, as well as getting some history from you, as much as you feel comfortable sharing.   the relationship between t and client is of utmost importance in establishing trust, and everything the t does should be working toward that end.  right from the beginning.

someone here (one of the mods) can help you a bit more with the information on the forum that can be downloaded to give to t's and docs about c-ptsd and its ramifications.  you may want to ask this t if she is willing to learn more about c-ptsd.  that will give you some idea in itself about how much she is willing to do on your behalf to help with your issues.

above all, just because this t is uninformed does not mean you are either small or worthless.  it may mean that she is not experienced enough to deal with the profound and disturbing issues that are part of the c-ptsd beast.  she may be someone who can help with some of the less distressing issues, but i don't think she'll be able to take you as far as you need to go.  that's not on you at all, but her lack of training.

so, she may be a transition therapist, one who can help with some stabilization, possibly give you a few coping skills, but it does sound like you'll be needing someone more informed in the future to get into the deeper stuff.  i also hope she can at least give you validation and support.  that would be good.

best to you with this, cookido.  if you care to share, i'd be interested to know how your next meeting goes.  i hope it goes well, and you get some satisfaction.  these are just my thoughts on your situation, as always.  sending a warm, caring hug filled with strength and clarity and love.

[Cookido]

Thank you sanmagic7, your words are always very comforting and wise. I fell asleep after I wrote this, waking up I felt stronger again.

I will ask her next week about her experience with trauma, and if she does not have any experience I think what you said about her helping with other things is a good idea. I didn't think of that.

Setting goals feels very important and making a plan. I don't understand how there can be treatment without it. The risk of getting stuck feels pretty big. I will defenitely bring up what goals I have, what I can expect from her and what is expected of me.

Lastly, it brought a smile to my face when you wrote that "we are real, we hear you". It made me glad, especially because I don't have to worry about being judged. I appriciate it so much. Thank you! ♡

[sanmagic7]

you sound stronger, and i'm very glad for that.  hope your next session goes well.  big hug.

[Cookido]

I met with the T today and brought up my questions. I explained that I don't want to talk about my trauma so early on, she accepted that.

Overall it went better than last time. I didn't feel as hopeless and I accepted that the T might be able to help me with other things for now.

The T askes a lot what I am feeling. What I feel now, what I felt when I talked about that, what my partner means to me. I find these questions very difficult to answer and it really bothers me that she asks them. In the moment when I'm being asked I don't feel anything. I was crying during the session, it surprised me, she asked how I was feeling and I didn't know what the feeling was. Did I cry because I was sad? Hurt? Betrayed? For me, in that moment, I was just crying.

I tried to explain how I percieve feelings to the T, but the session ended and I'm not sure if I made any sense.

[Whobuddy]

Cookido,
I am wondering if your T understands how hard it is for trauma survivors to know, identify, and talk about feelings? That is a very important thing for a T to know. Important also for you to feel safe with this person. I do hope you get to be more comfortable with this T. It seems that very few of them actually understand us.

[Cookido]

Whobuddy, I agree with what you said. I will try and bring up feeling on the next session. I don't think she understands it. In the first session with her she told me "I know that you can express your feelings." It was odd I think, we had just met. I'm not sure what she meant and I never asked. I don't remember why she said it either or in what context. It just left me with the thought that she assumes a lot about me without asking.

[sanmagic7]

just wanted to let you know that i always had a very difficult time knowing how i felt or expressing thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.  i know now that it's because i have alexithymia, a condition where my brain hook-ups between emotions and being able to recognize and/or verbalize them have been out of whack since an early age.

so, no, i don't think your t knows that you can say what or how you feel.  that's a mighty big assumption among trauma survivors.  it may be something to have a conversation about with them so they become enlightened to the fact that all those questions can be confusing to you (or however you feel about them - confusion was one thing i felt a lot during my life) and that maybe you need to have that go more slowly so you can think about each question, take some time with it, see if you have a feeling about it or not.

always remember, you cannot do therapy wrong.  you are not stupid or crazy.  you have been traumatized, and that wreaks havoc with our brains.  best to you with this.  lovely warm hug to you, sweetie.