Spending the rest of my life out of context?

[plantsandworms]

I think one of the worst parts of being no-contact with my whole family is the fact that I feel completely taken out of context. Chaotic as it was, abusive as it was, traumatic as it was, those are still my roots. And now that I have made the decision to surgically remove myself from my family unit (truly my best chance at survival) I feel perpetually uprooted. And so I bring up my trauma in conversations inappropriately, or I read books about dysfunctional families, or watch them on TV. It's all I want to think about and talk about, because if I stop thinking about it or talking about it I will lose my context. And that context is important to me. I have this (probably inappropriate) pride about being raised the way I was raised and exposed to all those crazy things. It made me resilient, a risk-taker. It also made me anxious and depressed and full of triggers, but it's what makes me ME. I think about spending the rest of my life this way, removed from my context, and I feel deep despair. But the idea of going back to them fills me with even deeper despair.

I have found other context and other chosen family and other community, but it still feels temporary. It doesn't feel as unbreakable as family. If starting tomorrow I went without seeing my friends for ten years, I would move on. But I feel I will never fully move on from my family roots. I hear them calling out to me, all the time. And I try to love my family in my own way, far away and without them knowing. I will love them all for the rest of my life, if we never speak again. I wish that I wouldn't. I'm just so frustrated and jumbled and tired. Forever going around in circles.

[Shankara]

Hello Plantsandworms,

I think one of the worst parts of being no-contact with my whole family is the fact that I feel completely taken out of context. Chaotic as it was, abusive as it was, traumatic as it was, those are still my roots.

What you say makes sense to me, our lives, our existence is a process of the intertwining of the body and the environment  in cooperation with other human beings, and the strongest bond we have is that to our Mother/Foo. Cannot  deny this, and this is a excruciating process to truly understand that  my Selfidentity is a part of that origin and If I really need to face those inner demons I need to step into that source.

This is NOT probably what you mean, you worry that if you leave your history behind you loose something like belongingness? I might be misintepreting, if so sorry. 

I have realized that I need that part of my early biography to build up my sense of self, the heroic survivor or the one who got out of it maybe not completely unbroken but having learned some very useful coping mechanisms.

It is very human to have those ambivalent aspects in ourselves where feel we have a moral responsibility regarding our Foo. Not ignoring or judging those emotions but to maybe give ourselves a chance to understand our very own story. Thats very painful but needful to heal.

Take care