return of symtpoms - flooding

[fullofsoundandfury]

Hi guys,

I had been doing SO well. I hadn't had any symptoms of my CPTSD for 6 months or so.

Over Easter I saw my FOO. I didn't prevent it because I considered myself cured of CPTSD lol.

The visit itself seemed fine. I used a lot of distraction techniques: I put on loud music and started dancing and singing and being silly to bring levity. Everyone joined in. I noticed when I was with them, behaviours that would have once triggered me immediately on the spot, didn't. My front personality, cognitive self, can tolerate them.

BUT

Ever since that day my old symptoms have returned. I've done a lot of numbing, immersion in distractions like TV, paralysis, deliberate sleep deprivation/avoidance of bed, and insomnia. No appetite, self starvation again. A very abusive inner voice has returned. I've lost impulse control - I'm in a dream. At work today I just left, got in my car and started driving with no set plan or conscious reason why. I can't concentrate or co-ordinate. I feel intense fear and anger.

On one hand, this is FASCINATING. The body truly does keep the score. All of these protective measures emerged subconsciously and automatically in me. My mind thought it was all OK and was proud of improvements it had noted, but deeper parts are not OK with it at all. A tsunami of trauma memories were woken up and my system is doing all it can to protect the conscious mind from them.

Remind me: what do we do here? I forget. I totally forget.



 

[fullofsoundandfury]

Omg. I'm at work right now and totally incapable of being here or doing anything.

[fullofsoundandfury]

Well that was a trip.

I'm home now,

I was totally, totally derealized at work. I was walking around staring at things as if for the first time. I could barely understand or recognise the computer. I was picking up brochures and staring at them like a dazed, absent child. This went on for HOURS.

Luckily I work for the government so nobody notices incompetence. 

I need an action plan. How did I get out of this last time?

When my mind is like this it's really hard to remember things Pete Walker would say. I might need more somatic things.

Options:

Go to sleep
Make vegetables to eat - that is too scary and overwhelming
Create a drama for distraction, attention and to stimulate people to comfort me - I know that one doesn't work
Ask my partner to come home from work to massage my body - that is unfair to him and may lead to sex which I don't want to deal with
Continue immersion in media of some type
Wait it out
Go outside - big resistance to being in the body though

I am writing here to track this and in an attempt to ground, create a focal point of expression and order. It's helping


I don't want another day like this tomorrow at work.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi there, I just wanted to say I understand this, I had about 8 weeks of feeling normal as Such then the tsunami re appeared and there I was swallowed up again, nothing triggering as such just felt back in it again, my problem is I have a lot of guilt about feeling ok, am I allowed to be happy? Am I allowed to feel positive, can I move on without drama, my therapist said it's because of years of trauma my body is in this pent up state of looking for the drama and chaos I've been used to and my body doesn't know how to relax and handle everything when I don't have it, I've been taught Cbt and grounding etc but not a lot of use, wish I had answers for both of us and hoping I will find them. Guilt plays a huge part in my up bringing and up to today I feel like I'm not worthy of love, support, moving on etc. It's tough especially when you do have a time when things are 'ok' it's like what's going on now, I'm going to be like this forever etc.
I have no real advice to offer just to say I understand you and no doubt you've devised some of your own self help strategies and hopefully then can help you carry onwards again positively, yes the body certainly keeps the score, I think more of this needs to be learned about in therapy. Hope you have a better day today.

[Deep Blue]

This isn't really advice, but this is what happened to me last time.  I depersonalized for 3 days.  I had been triggered and that was it.  I could barely talk.  I was outside myself in all my daily activities.  It was like i was watching myself play tennis and was not actually doing it.  What snapped me back was a massive panic attack.  On one hand, I hate getting them, but on the other hand... I was back in my body. I wish I had advise of how I got out of it... I wish I could give you an end point... I wish I could tell you to ground and it would better... all I really can say is to hang on.  Keep writing and we are here if you need us. 

[sanmagic7]

fosaf, sounds like you have a learning opportunity here.  it's really not fair that we can't ever take it for granted that we're 'cured' of this beast.  it is so sneaky, so devious, so cunning.  it grabs us in its jaws just when we think we're in the clear.

i don't have any answers for you.  i had a similar experience a couple years ago on the first anniversary of going nc with my d and my ex.  it hit me like a sledghammer in the face and took me 8 months to reach some semblance of normal again.  i hope and pray it doesn't take that long for you. 

hopefully, you can take care of yourself as best you can.  i did a lot of distracting, too, and also stayed connected here.  i was just learning about all this, and especially learning what to watch out for.  that was helpful for me.

warm, caring hug to you.

[Blueberry]

I was totally, totally derealized at work. I was walking around staring at things as if for the first time. I could barely understand or recognise the computer. I was picking up brochures and staring at them like a dazed, absent child. This went on for HOURS.

Sounds familiar so you're not alone. Like san, I used to go into long spells of this so lasting weeks or even months. In the long term, trauma therapy has helped.

[fullofsoundandfury]

Thank you everyone

I feel so relieved having read your replies

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, me too. There were times in my life where I thought I was cured. Finished. But no one is ever fully healed or happy, even with those without Cptsd. There'll always be a circumstance in life someone can't take as they go on living, but we keep moving on.

Take care. 

[fullofsoundandfury]

God.

The relentless fear hammering my body from inside my body, is terrible. It doesn't gaf what you tell it.

No thought to chase down and interrogate and turn around.

And I can't believe the cognitive impairment.
Yesterday I was sitting with my boyfriend and we realised we had to get some groceries.
The thought was: I need to find my shoes. Cohesive enough.
What I said was: "Where is my shoe? For the foot thing."
*realized that's not how you say that sentence*
*dissociative stare for 3 minutes*
LOL! Kinda funny.

He didn't mention anything about it.

This trend of sitting in front of the computer at work with no idea what to do is bizarre. Unprecedented!

And total avoidance of adult responsibilities.

Plus a fear of cooking and food so I've eaten nothing but takeaway for days, which is unhealthy and expensive. You can see how this escalates.

Fck. So humbling. How quickly I forgot how I'd lived for years.

So much room for forgiveness and self forgiveness in all this. And increased compassion overall. I was getting frustrated with mentally ill people in my life. How arrogant.

And I can see how I was before too. I was definitely better, but I was still very scared a lot of the time. Still very insecure. Getting a lot of validation from people at university and work, but still none from myself. 

A woman who was a neurologist  (or something) had a stroke. She watched it happen from inside her brain. She understood it and tracked it scientifically from inside until she lost consciousness. She survived and now understands a lot about human consciousness. She learned even more about us all in her recovery.

I feel a tiny bit like her. Watching, feeling these symptoms return after a break actually has some extraordinary gifts. This time maybe I'll try not to go to war with it?

I can't convey how grateful I am to you all  thank you so, so much for being here and responding. I notice the big thing isn't having answers. You guys saying "yes, me too" or "I understand" brings palpable relief to my body.

[fullofsoundandfury]

My best friend called today and asked if I'd like to go out for dinner and to hear a band. I said yes. I thought it would be good for me, more like my previous self. People, food, music, socialising.

Later, I didn't want to. I tried to think of an excuse but all of them would have been lies, and lies never feel good, and I just can't do that to myself any more.

We went. We ate. I tried to get drunk to deal with all the people. In reality, 'people' are sick. I think half of the problem of severe abuse and trauma is that it pushes you way outside the bounds of being neurotypical, and it makes you see things so differently.

There was music there, and a lot of people. We were all dancing on the dance floor. My best friend is a professional dancer. She is a performer. She wants me to perform with her. Usually I oblige because I don't have a self.

I couldn't get into it. People everywhere, I was watching them. They were trying to be sexy. Trying to perform. Trying to be entertaining. Trying to be funny. Trying to say things with their clothes and handbags. Trying to create self worth and self identity with their clothes and handbags. Oh my God. They don't even know.... we are all so much more and so much less than that.

My best friend kept trying to introduce me to people. he kept saying 'you will love her' to me and 'she is the best person on earth' to them. It was forced intimacy and weird. I couldn't get drunk enough. Nobody cared about me, or each other. Everyone was scared and faking it.

I tried to dance like I had the right to exist.

I couldn't fake it tonight.

The bouncer kept saying things to us, trying to be funny or just filling the silence. So did the guys playing the music. There were lots of musical theatre people there who were acting very arrogantly. Don't they know arrogance hurts themselves? Can't they see how ridiculous and misled they are?

I saw people who are young, and clean, and innocent, and don't know how many children are being abused in their local government areas, right now. I am horrified that if they knew, they wouldn't care. I work with people who don't care. They bow down to the golden god of bureaucracy and are comfortable in their helpless "I can't do anything about it, even though I am being paid a handsome wage to pretend to." They don't conceptualise that these are real people, real children. What is wrong with them? Where is their humanity? The worst part is so many of them have children. This haunts me. It doesn't haunt them.

Would I know what I know if I hadn't been through this? Would I change it? Do I want to fit in there? NO. They are empty. They are striving. You can see it. They want something that isn't real.

Sometimes I used to say that people who aren't depressed or angry aren't paying attention. Am I warped?

I used to be really good at seeing the good in moments and appreciating and tolerating and seeing the value.

Everyone seems to judgey and scared of being judged.

When you are shoved, very young, far past the point of having any ground beneath your feet, you find something else, out of necessity. It's eternal. It doesn't mean the pain goes away but you brush up against something beyond, yet within, all. It is real and beautiful and neutral and forever. It is intangible. It's unconditional love. In some ways it makes the pain worse because you know the pain means you are lost in an illusion. One part of you knows it and others forget and get lost.

You are conditioned to seek knowledge and help from Ts and outsiders who will know more than you. They don't. They have gotten their degrees to prove something to themselves or someone. It's horrifying.

I guess it drives you home.

I stared up at the stars while all the people performed around me, and expected me to perform. I tried to leave for a cigarette alone, and my friend followed me.

[Deep Blue]

Would I know what I know if I hadn't been through this? Would I change it? Do I want to fit in there? NO. They are empty. They are striving. You can see it. They want something that isn't real.



Because of our hyper vigilance I agree with you completely.  We are wired differently now.  Before my trauma I never felt the deep need to psychologically "figure people out" like I do now.  Sometimes the need to do it is overwhelming and exhausting.  I notice things now that I never noticed before.  If someone gives me info that doesn't add up now, I build a wall... make a note that they may not be trustworthy and break my ties.  It was brave of you to accept your friend's invitation.  Overall I think you handled the whole evening much better than I would have.

[fullofsoundandfury]

Thanks Deep Blue for your kindness and understanding. Having people who can relate to what I'm saying is HUGE!

An example of what I was watching:

A woman's 7 year old daughter had painted a picture at school that was literally at the level of the old master painters. It was mind blowing. She has a natural innate spectacular talent. This woman was showing the people at the table a photo of the picture, on her phone. She wasn't being egotistical or bragging about it, she was a mother in awe. She was trying to talk about the wonder of natural talent that has not been taught.

Another woman was absolutely unable to listen, observe the painting, or let it be about the painting or the child who painted it. She started shouting over the top of everyone about her child's achievements from 10 years ago..... that time she drew a picture that appeared in a local calendar.... that time she painted this other picture that they now have framed....

I looked over at the child in question, now a teenager, and she was glued to her phone in a busy social setting, tongue sticking out, playing with a tongue ring, eyes totally glazed, out of it. She looked brain damaged in that moment, another child casualty of the technological revolution 

It is hard to be around that kind of blatant and unnecessary insecurity and railroading. Competition. Violence. Emptiness. These people 'have it all' but they're so vacuous. And so oblivious!

Later I asked the first woman to get the picture back out so I could marvel with her about the colours and light and expression and artistry.

Anyway. I was hypervigilant and hypercritical last night. Here's a take-away forming: I always thought I had to 'be like them' to fit in and know that I'm normal. I tried to. I betrayed myself a lot. I made myself very insecure trying to understand them. Even though I was technically being a very judgmental btch, I did see with some clarity, that people with CPTSD or whatever, are not necessarily more damaged or crazy or out of control than those without it. They are not the alter of normalcy to bow before or aspire to. And if I don't want to force myself into those situations, it isn't necessarily depression. It might just be that I don't relate to people and places like that and that is OK.

[Deep Blue]

Fullofsoundandfury,
I'm a parent of a 4 year old boy.  The railroading of other parents is what really throws me.  It's like a competition of whose kid is better.  Sometimes I wonder if I am the odd ball.  I like hearing stories of kids and tend to listen and not fight to make my kid the center of the conversation.

I agree with you whole heartedly.  They are not the pillar of normalcy.  We are all individuals with different back stories.  You were not being b**chy at all! Stay true to yourself.  I empathize with you so much.  Take care. 

Love,
Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

fosaf, reading what you wrote - it could've been my words.  drowning in technology, the entire disconnect phenomenon that's taking place, the 'image' culture, the superficiality, the hate, violence, and one-upmanship. 

i've been encouraged to join in at a senior center near where i live.  i visited once - it was shiny and clean and just right.  all the right classes and activities, and i'm sure there are a lot of very nice people there.  it's not me, tho.  i don't know why, but i could not picture myself in their yoga groups or morning walks.  couldn't do it.

so, i totally understand about not fitting in, no matter what the age or venue.  it's all the same, but it's a different world.  here's to the pain of caring too deeply, being too sensitive, giving too much of a , well, you know what.  i used to drink to fit in with it, loved that bar world, but, yep, seeing it with different eyes now. 

funny how our perspective changes with time and experience if we allow it.  cheers.   sending love and a warm hug full of caring and the actions to back that up.