Covert Incest/Relapse

[ElizabethGenevieve]

So I realized a couple weeks ago that it was not in fact all of the conflict in my family that took such a psychological toll on me (though God knows that did its fair share of damage), but rather the fact that both my parents and my younger sister used me as their "emotional dumpster" if you will, since I was very little. They used me to meet their needs, so much so that I always felt like more of a parent to all three of them than their child. My entire identity for 21 years has been caregiver, which is why I have severe intimacy issues today, nightmares, a boatload of pain and anger that I can't even direct at anyone because my family did not do it on purpose to hurt me. It's also why I only ever feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm taking care of people.

I've learned some healthy coping mechanisms but I need to rant a little because I had a very unexpected trigger yesterday. My best friend's 4 month old daughter had to be hospitalized malnutrition, and my heart just breaks for them. Which is obviously totally normal when you care about someone. But I also out of the blue started freaking out because out of stupid habit I felt like I had to do everything in my power to fix the situation but since I can't, I just feel completely helpless. I also freaked out because my friend is the only confidant or means of support that I have in this world and she will be out of commission for quite a while. So all these feelings of abandonment and guilt (why guilt?!) resurfaced all at once and I was right back to square one and nearly went back to some self destructive coping mechanisms. I know I'll let it go because none of my worries are grounded and my friend isn't leaving me forever and there's nothing I can do to heal her child, all I can do is be there to support her. But even that is so exhausting somehow because I'm so used to "support" meaning draining all of the life out of myself to help my parents or sister (especially my mom). I don't know how to help people without losing myself. Ugh and yesterday started out so good too.  Anywho rant over just wanted to get it out of my head.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

glad you could get it out, e.g.  not knowing who you are unless you are helping and fixing others is close to my heart.  altho my being ill has taken me out of that picture for the most part, it can still feel it pull at me, even here.

could the guilt have had anything to do with not solving that baby's problem, or knowing about it so you could've prevented it?  just some guesses.

it can be difficult to figure out your own identity when it's always been wrapped around identities of others.  and, may i say, intent or not, you were hurt by their behaviors, and your anger about that is valid.  you don't have to hate the person, but you can hate the words/actions. 

go slow with the idea of support.  you're not in that situation anymore, so you can define for yourself how much you want to give, when you need to pull back, and when it's time to rest and regroup for yourself.  it takes practice, patience, and time.  a warm, loving hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

I believe you deserve some rest after being the helper. You can't save everyone in the world, and you can't save certain people either. People offer help, but it was their choice to accept it and their effort to change themselves. People are responsible most to their lives, as much as you're responsible to yours.

It's okay to be a helper to yourself, alright? Take care. 

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Thanks everyone