The gallery opening - Being forgotten

[Sceal]

I am not quite sure under which board I should place this. It fits here, in my journal, in "just a difficult day", progress, set back... The lot!
But mainly, it has to do with my relationship with others. Primarily my parents, or rather - my mother. (This is a bit long, I'm sorry. But it was just alot, and trying to avoid writing many threads)

It was the opening of the gallery show today. I've been waiting quite a long time for it, and for a time I forgot it was happening because it always seemed to happen in the next few months. But it was today. It isn't my first art exhibition where I participate, it's the 6th. But it is the first one which is not affiliated with a school or course work. This was all on my own. I sent it in to be judged, and the jury accepted both my entrees. I had invited my dad to come, and he had by definition invited my mom to come too. They both were excited. I invited a few others too, but they had declined - they couldn't make it today - when I invited them.
Half an hour before the opening I call my mom, asking if what their plan was. She said she didn't have any plan. So I asked if she wasn't coming. To which she replied she'd forgotten. She didn't realize it was today. Eventhough I reminded her just a few days ago. I felt dissapointed, and I felt I shouldn't be. This is unusual for her, to dismiss me like this. She did sound earnest while expressing regret. I suppose it's why it hurt more. My father was stuck at work away from the city - the transport had been delayed a day. He was supposed to return yesterday ( it was out of his control).  While I was talking on the phone I got a text message from my roommate, he'd lost track of time and wasn't able to make it either.

I felt alone. Unimportant. Like I wasn't important enough to write it down in their schedule or put on alarm. I'm not in alot of contact with my emotions these days, so the hurt was muted. But it activated my anxiety. I had to go face these people alone. These unknown people, other artists, go into a room... What did I have to say? Nothing. What if no one came? The last one wasn't a problem at all. I was standing a few doors down from the gallery door, collecting myself before daring to walk over. I was a few minutes late, but figured the speech would be a few minutes after opening too. I was wrong, but mainly because the gallery was PACKED. I couldn't get in the door before after the speech. So I didn't get to listen in to the speech. I got social anxiety, and being in a small room full of people I have no knowledge of, with only one exit.. It's nightmareish for me. But I did it.
I walked in, I had told them I'd be there - so I felt obligated. I couldn't walk back on my word.

And who do I see there? A former/current/unknwon status friend. The one who I wrote about in another thread (the tent-stealing friend - for those who read about that). She saw me and rescued me in my bewliderment for a brief moment. I am apprechiative of that. I talked to a few of the staff, because they approached me. I was so full of anxiety I wasn't able to ask them good or interessting questions, or come with things to say at all.

It was alot.

I only stayed for 30 minutes. I couldn't last longer. I just, it was too much. And I was too alone. I was too anxious.
I did actually pat myself on the shoulder for walking in the door. But I feel no accomplishment. None. I feel nothing. Just weariness.

My dad called me two hours later, saying he was sorry he missed it, but he couldn't do anything about the transportation. He would like to see it though, before it's gone.

Thank you all for reading through all of this. I know it's long.

[Blueberry]

 

[Rainagain]

Hey,
I remember your tent stealing friend, she is a self proclaimed narcissist?

She didn't rescue you, you are a catch, an exhibiting artist, good to be around.

You got your art accepted, you turned up and it was rammed with people viewing your work.

Be proud of your work, be proud that you attended alone and did something difficult.

Just be proud of yourself and your work.

[DecimalRocket]

I know how hard the pressure of wanting to impress is and how hard it is to trust people sometimes.

[Sceal]

Thank you blueberry, for the hugs!  They mean alot.

@Rainagain,
She has called herself a narcissist - though I am uncertain still whether she was jesting or not. She's been through alot, and she might have said it because she felt selfish by taking up so much more space than she is used to. But it might also be true. I can't know with certainty.  But it felt nice seeing her again.

And thank you for your warm words, they mean alot. they really do. I will try to be proud, but it is a difficult thing to do.

@Rocket,
It can be an overwhelming pressure, and such a deep hurt when I don't live up to the expectations. Thank you for the hugs! 

[Erebor]

I'd advise being very cautious of your 'friend' - had one similar who called themselves an undiagnosed PD, turned out they weren't joking and enjoyed flaunting the truth of who they were right in peoples faces without anyone believing them.

I really wanted to say WELL DONE!!    To walk into a room like that, feeling the way you did, that's a big deal!  Good job you. Things like that are scary.

Not having people you care about show up to view your work is disheartening, even if they have understandable reasons. <3 I've been a smaller version of that boat.

[Sceal]

I haven't talked to my "friend" since the opening. And you're right, I will be very careful if she reaches out again. I'll keep an emotional distance from her.

And also, thank you, Erebor! It means alot to be validated that it was a big thing to walk in when feeling as I did. I still feel a little sad when thinking about the absence of my family.

[Erebor]

If it's acceptable, I shall send you a hug! 

[Sceal]