Dee, I have thought about it, just haven't done so yet. I have to really gear myself up to even mention this kind of thing to friends, or anybody else for that matter. Then discussing it is a different matter altogether. With this friend I actually have discussed some small (different) issues before and she can handle that. She doesn't then say anything like "you're too difficult, goodbye"
I do best with this kind of thing written rather than spoken, but I know how most people react when I write instead of using the 'normal' mode of talking. It's harder for someone to 'bulldoze' me and my concerns, feelings, opinions when we write and read. I feel 'bulldozed' fairly easily; I know that originated in FOO times. Boundaries, swimming pool walls and all that.
This friend's mother died about 6 weeks ago and I didn't want to broach the subject immediately after that either. I had also not wanted to broach before and was being kind about various things, had been being that way for a year because of issues in her life she couldn't help. But that is just too much and too long for me.
My problem is 'gratitude'. This friend has often been there for me, particularly by phone, e.g. when I had those major crises in FOO contact, in FOO households in a different country. She was there for me, but gratitude like this puts me on a lower footing than this friend. She's grateful to me for various things too, but it seems I suppose she can deal with that in a healthier way for herself. She doesn't remain 'eternally grateful' to me and so doesn't feel incapable of setting a boundary or just saying 'no' without a guilty conscience. I don't expect anybody to remain 'eternally grateful'. It's a fairly recent discovery on my part that that's how I react.
Recognising what I'm doing is the first step to changing.
Thanks CaliforniaDreaming and ToreyP for your comments and validation. It helps just to write here and know people read and acknowledge.