It's been good to re-read this thread just now, both to see my own progress over the months and to see comments from others especially at the beginning like from Dee (and her T).
Further up the thread I mentioned Huffy. She's in another group I go to, where we actually speak English not the local lingo. Huffy phoned me a couple of days ago to tell me the next date the other group is meeting, which was nice of her. But all the way up the road to choir practice I was standing up for myself in my head in this other group. Maybe I'll write another Recovery Letter.
Thinking about it at home again this evening I felt ashamed. There are so many mbrs here with 'real problems' why do I get bothered about something so minor?? Now as I write that, I realise that statement comes from M and her mother, I think even from F in my teens when things were particularly bad.
I have difficulty standing up for myself, especially in a group when several mbrs are having a go at me all at the same time, obviously because it reminds me so much of life with FOO. The effects of emotional traumatisation make it so hard for me to stand up for myself. Compound that with remarks from 'helpers' in the past like "Can't you do it in a normal way?" meaning speak in the moment. No, I can't. Partly because I can't get a word in edgeways and partly with 4 or 5 against 1, it's pretty difficult. Written's way easier for me, even if not "normal". If my T knew of the situation, he'd probably look at me with incredulity and ask again: "You have friends who treat you like this??" I think he'd also say that it's good I'm continuing to stand up for myself.
Today in T appointment, we got onto the topic of shame. He said that comes from a feeling of "something about me isn't right." So that in part explains my feeling of shame about a) speaking up in this group of people to stand up for myself and b) writing about it on here.
On here I can only tell myself that different mbrs have different trauma to deal with in different ways and this is where I am atm.
