I'm still working on this particular friendship issue and things are becoming a bit clearer. I wrote higher up that I didn't know how to move forward in a friendship (after a discussion of this sort) if one person didn't say "I'm done with you and the friendship now." Now, with time, I'm seeing the problem more as "Do I try and move forward with this friendship at all when the person seems so clueless about her part of the disagreement?" The answer is "Probably not." Friendships don't have to be for ever.
Since I injured one foot yesterday, I'm remembering how this friend can be quite down-playing about physical problems of mine. e.g. a good number of years ago I was getting prepared for a foot operation. It was quite a big deal for me because I'd never had an Op or even full anesthetic before. Back then, my anxiety levels were sky-high and I was generally a lot less stable than I am now. My doc had been delaying on the op until then because of my emotional instability, my tendency to EFs for weeks on end etc. (not that we knew the term EF then) but when the foot problem became so bad, it started affecting other leg joints too as well as the other foot, my doc said we'd better act.
This friend knew some of that, but she still suggested we meet in that town much closer to her than to me and go to watch a race on the river. It would be so much fun, standing watching... I declined because of my foot, but she didn't take 'No' for an answer, explaining how I could wear other shoes, since always wearing the same ones gave you foot problems

(I only had one pair that fit at that time due to those foot problems.) I read a while back, maybe on OOTF, that when people don't accept your "No" and instead come up with all sorts of reasons why your "No" is invalid, this is manipulative. Idk if that is always the case as a sort of blanket rule but I'm seeing the pattern in this friend's behaviour. She discounts my feelings, she discounts my objections fairly often. Her own take precedence mostly. Probably not always but mostly. One place where they don't necessarily take precedence is where it's no skin off her nose to acquiesce.
I think there's maybe even a bit of DARVO going on. I certainly think she's in denial and then also so oblivious to my side of the issue, just seeing how much she's suffered in the past year through extraneous circumstances, that yeah, there's some victim reversal going on. She's the victim of these extraneous circs. but she's not the victim of my "No" when she goes over my boundary!
I stuck to my 'No' the day she suggested we watch the race and then she did admit that she'd forgotten all about my upcoming foot operation.