Why I don't feel like I deserve financial security.

[DecimalRocket]

My dad was and is a wealthy businessman coming from a family of generations of wealth. On my father's side, my grandma was a wealthy doctor and now a land owner earning about a million each month. One of my indirect grandfathers (grand uncle?) is a real estate CEO rich enough that I can google his name online and see news articles about him.

Why do I mention this? Well, growing up he had a thing about money. He'd only praise me when it was something that could make me rich, and when I tried to decide what career I wanted, he recommended whatever gave me the most money. He'd "spoil" me by buying whatever I wanted, which is less something I wanted and mostly what he wanted. He'd always emphasize how loving he is to me by talking about how expensive what he bought for me, and I'd begrudgingly feel obliged to praise him. He made so much effort from all his pain and hard work, he'd say.

Somehow, I developed some guilt around money, even with things I need. Where I study, they were upgrading to more hi-tech options and even if I needed a new laptop to do much of my school work, I didn't ask for it. I felt guilty to buy books and online courses that helped with calming down my emotions and learn interests I was passionate in. Sometimes I'd save so much of my allowance, It'd take a very long time until I even used it for myself. Even asking money to pay for therapy was guilt ridding.

Maybe I just felt like I didn't praise my dad enough for buying me things. That I had to earn financial security by praising on how he's being the "good parent". He went and bought one of the widest inch screen TV I've seen in my life, and I just feel guilty.

Sometimes I just think I should be poor and live off the streets.

The complete opposite of what you expect from the kid of millionaires.

Life is weird.

[Libby183]

You are so right, DR, life is weird.

I certainly didn't grow up in a wealthy family,  and yet,  like you, money was used as a means to emotionally abuse.

As a child, I had an average life in terms of gifts etc, and later on, I had the use of a car,  which was a real bonus. But, I was really made to pay,  emotionally,  for these things. And often,  these gifts weren't what I wanted and needed, for example,  some nice clothes.  They were what it suited my parents to give. And I had to be soooo! grateful.  Needless to say, I was never grateful enough.

As an adult,  I still struggle to allow myself anything.  We live in the UK and often have cold winters.  But I would not heat the house just for me.  I still eat whatever is leftover in the fridge for my lunch, even if it doesn't appeal.

So, maybe it isn't that you feel undeserving of financial security, but more that you just feel undeserving all round, because that is how you have been conditioned to feel. The financial aspect is just part of it. Whatever our situation,  our parents make us feel bad.

You deserve to have financial security, as does everybody.  Don't let that inner voice tell you otherwise.  I don't make myself suffer from the cold now, and am getting better with the food thing. Feeling guilty won't help you or anyone else.

Hope this makes some sense - it has given me quite a bit to think about,  so thank you.

Libby.

[sanmagic7]

frankly, i can't relate.  didn't have money growing up, don't have money now.  i learned to scrimp, save, use everything, eat what was there.  i'd often take my kids to mcdonald's and not order, cuz i'd eat their leftovers.  didn't want to waste the money on me.

that part i can relate to, but it comes from a different perspective. 

i had homemade clothes growing up, made a lot of my own and my daughters' clothes.  once my ex and i were talking about what we'd do if we won a multi-million lottery.  i said i'd buy a really nice sewing machine.  he looked at me aghast, told me that with that much money i could hire someone to tailor-make my clothes.  i'd never thought of that.  did not compute.

d.r., i just feel bad that money was used in a neg. way for you so that you can't enjoy it, or that you don't feel like you deserve to be financially secure.  i hope you can compartmentalize some of that - financial security is something i've never had, but i believe it would be great if we could all actually accomplish it.  you have it and it's ok to be ok with it.  we each have our own lives, and can be glad for the blessings within them no matter what form they take if we so choose.

love you, sweetie.  big hug  full of being ok with what you have.

[basically0kkim]

For me, its anything that follows the D word. Deserve. Food, love, sex, support, understanding, space, privacy, etc... I find that Financial security is more about what is earned than deserved.  It was implied, stated and exhibited that I was low on whatever it took to deserve "fill in the blank" in my childhood.  Unless, of course it was more abuse. So I have spent much time and energy to strip the word deserve from my vocabulary. Much of my selfcare is habitual because otherwise I'll find some excuse to forgo it. Come to think of it, most of my current identity is based on the practice of behaviors I'd like to be associated with. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for giving me some of your acceptance and advice, guys.

I still feel guilty though for all this. Maybe he was just trying to show love through gifts. He was a lot more accepting to negative emotions I had than my mom, but often distanced himself most of the time. Coming home after work, he'd go straight for the computer or the TV, and expect my mom to do all the parenting work.

He was much nicer than my mom when he was actually there, but most of the time he . . . wasn't there. He felt like a friendly acquiantance who just happend to live in the same house, and that's that.