Internal tape = Apocalypse now

[Shankara]

Not sure which title suits this thread. Maybe it diesnt really matter. Due to childhood/sexual abuse, experiencing chronic violence, I have great difficulty being in a relationship with other human beings (I'm married and we have a stable relationship). Never experienced friendships and this is something I want to work on.

Usually in the mornings when I wake up a part of me begins to ruminate and  says "Humans are unthankful, unfaithful, everyone should rot in *" or I feel ignored, not given attention which is hurtful and I end up feeling very sad. When I have these days I also get angry that other people dont have any interest in me so I cut off contacts .A few years ago I remember leaving a party just because no one came over to talk with me. This sounds like a child who craves for attention and if she doesnt get it she is angry and hurt. Today I can somewhat reflect on this but I have made a fool out of myself while sitting on a dinnertable saying something like " I feel people should learn to be less egoistic! And ask others how they really feel, I'm very dissapointed with everyone" Huh? Then many look around wondering what I mean.?


This is a cycle I feel I need to change. A distorted mindset feels that "I put effort to get in touch with people, listen to them but i dont get anything in return".

Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks

[sanmagic7]

i can.  i've always been the one to ask others how they are, but have rarely been asked that first.  still, i wanted the contact, so i went out of my way to get it by asking about someone else's welfare.  i think i always made sure that i looked 'together' enough that people believed i was fine.  i didn't let them see my pain, nor did i routinely ask for help/support.  the times i did ended up with the conversation turned onto the other person somehow, and i found my issues lost in the midst of supporting them once more.

in later years i've had several people ask after my well-being, but i think it was mostly after i got very sick and it was pretty obvious.  now, the only people i keep in my life are the ones who have made it very clear that they care about what's going on with me.  that adds up to 2.  the rest are friends, are ok with hearing if i'm having a problem, but don't really get into the details with me. 

i've even had t's who haven't asked.  i don't think a lot of people want to get into the grim realities of the lives of others.  not all, but a lot.  so be it.  it's why i spend a lot of time here.  this is a place where people do care.  and i'll take it.  i don't know what the answer is, just that i can relate.  love and a big hug, shankara.

[Shankara]

@Sanmagic, thank you for your supportive words.
I know I should not generalize, never jump into conclusions. Every human being lives in their own reality, with their individual struggles and focusing on different things, so how can I say “people dont care?“ who? Why? What do you want from them? What should I do ? and so on and on...
Even though my rational mind is aware of this, I feel extremely hurt, dealing with this perception right now. There were some people where I felt that a friendship could've developed over time, but never did. Thats life, thats also due to various things that just happen. Nothing can be forced.
I feel that I have genuine interest, but this is not being appreciated. I am extremely angry (Beaware a child is ranting), because I see NO ANY gratefulness. I  feel I am the one that always has to go behind others??? Why? I am done. I will cut off everyone, and will never ever get in touch. F* all.

This is an emotional reaction to my trauma...I know this. And also being aware that an action made in a moment of despair one will always (Well most of the time)  regret.

It is still very very hard, to take a step out of that thinking-feeling  mode.


Maybe somehow learning to differentiate also emotionally. Thats internal work...

[California Dreaming]

Hi Shankara I can relate to your feelings. Besides my therapist, I do not feel understood by others. It can create a sense of aloneness. These forums have helped me with this. I have tried so many different times and ways to connect with others with very little success. I used to feel as though I am looking into a glass house where everyone inside is living a "normal" life. I still do at times but not so much anymore.

My anger tends to arise in the context of the work that I do with my therapist. I have found that it arises organically and its release is therapeutic. As a child, I could not express my anger because two of my abusers, my mother and brother, were bigger and stronger than me. They made it clear at an early age that their force was greater than mine, so I quit fighting back. Not being seen or heard by others can be extremely painful!!!

I hear you on how hard it is to take the steps necessary to change. Sometimes it is difficult to even know what the steps are. Hopefully, our community can help you to feel like you are cared about.

[Andyman73]

Hi Shankara,

I think you are perfectly normal...for one who's lived the life that we have lived. That you're married shows that you do want personal relationships, even if you can't get beyond the thinking of it, part.  While I have felt this way for most my adult life...invisible and such. I've gone out of my way to limit how much of us we share with others. Only a very few others IRL know anything personal, that is, of my trauma history.

WE would love to be friend with you. WE see you, see your hurts and pain. WE can sit and be quiet friends, or chatty, what ever you like. We like listening, and really good at it too.

LIttle Shankara, we hear and see you, too. You very important to us. K? We happy to let you go in front, and listen you talk.  We good friends with San. She special special friend. She good listener too.

California Dreaming....we be friends for you too, if you like.

[Rani]

i can.  i've always been the one to ask others how they are, but have rarely been asked that first.  still, i wanted the contact, so i went out of my way to get it by asking about someone else's welfare.  i think i always made sure that i looked 'together' enough that people believed i was fine.  i didn't let them see my pain, nor did i routinely ask for help/support.  the times i did ended up with the conversation turned onto the other person somehow, and i found my issues lost in the midst of supporting them once more.

in later years i've had several people ask after my well-being, but i think it was mostly after i got very sick and it was pretty obvious.  now, the only people i keep in my life are the ones who have made it very clear that they care about what's going on with me.  that adds up to 2.  the rest are friends, are ok with hearing if i'm having a problem, but don't really get into the details with me. 

i've even had t's who haven't asked.  i don't think a lot of people want to get into the grim realities of the lives of others.  not all, but a lot.  so be it.  it's why i spend a lot of time here.  this is a place where people do care.  and i'll take it.  i don't know what the answer is, just that i can relate.  love and a big hug, shankara.

@sanmagic7 thank you for your words here... it's been a long time and I just couldn't remember my old profile Name shankara plus password and I'm back as Rani. This has been a very very long and painful journey and I'm still failing and adjusting/adapting, failing again and crawling back up again like many other people. When it comes to relationships my felt sense of self has tweaked a bit, but then again I fall back into old cobwebs struggling to move out of distorted thinking. I still have this strong tendency to leave everything behind, and start new. Cut people off, get a new identity and press ,,re-start", it's another trauma response, it's nothing new and today I woke wanting to change my phone number... maybe something triggered me a bit.. still working and it never really ends.

[Dark.art.girl]

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to be another person who could support you.
I completely understand this, especially the inner child aspect of it. A lot of times when we're faced with situations similar to the neglect or abandonment we knew as children, our inner child comes out to try to protect us from it happening again. I hope what I'm about to say brings you some peace, because it certainly brought me some peace over the years. My brain came up with it's own countering logic toward it's own intrusive/subconscious thoughts and feelings. So I'll share

(Btw, I'm just speaking from what I've discovered so I hope I'm not overstepping)

I remember always feelings extremely disappointed when people wouldn't check in or talk to me after awhile. The all give and no take scenario. I think because of our traumas, the amount of pain it causes us is absolutely normal. The part that made it worse was that one of my coping mechanisms was to totally wallow in all of the loss and disappointment of feeling like I'd lost a friend.

But my mother taught me something from a super young age. She's has MS and when I was really young she had to be in bed a lot, and people would get upset when she couldn't make it to events or planned hangouts.

She taught me that people don't realize what they're doing, because they just don't understand. Whether they don't hit you back, or they judge you. Almost always, it's because they don't understand, don't know how to react, or can't even begin to comprehend what we have gone through. I've been dealing with this since I was a little girl. Feeling totally out of line because I saw things differently than other kids. But it was because they weren't seeing what we saw. They weren't suffering like we suffered. They didn't see life like we did. And so they just went on, growing up and living their life. For myself, I react in sadness and self-loathing, but then I turn to anger and frustration.

The truth is, they don't always know what they're doing. They don't always understand the importance of maintaining contact with someone who cares. They were never taught to not to take things for granted. Whereas, had to hold onto everything that we had, because we didn't know how long it was going to stick around.
It's either that, or they're going through the same thing we're going through. People process trauma so differently, so maybe their way of coping is isolation. Maybe they're so stuck in how they're feeling and the burdens of every day life that they fail to reach out to the people they truly care about. Maybe they're so emotionally exhausted from their own situation that they have nothing left to give anyone else.

It's hard to convince your survivor/inner child instincts that not everyone is a threat, or that not everyone has an ulterior motive. I've been there. It's sooooo difficult. It still is. Those instincts even still kick in with my fiancé. So, I hope that those little ideas might help you counter the battle you've got going on in your brain. I've been in that battle too, my friend. Trust feels impossible. But you can win, and you can have friends and keep them. Look at all these people! They'd want nothing more than to be your friend, and that includes me.

Stay safe, much love.