A Quiet Hello

[Katarina]

My counsellor suggested that I might find help in a support board I used to do group work but found myself always helping others and hiding my own troubles. I am grateful to have found this place and reading your courageous stories brings me sadness, relief and hope along with likely many more emotions I cannot name or identify.

I am just over two years in on my journey of discovering and acknowledging my past. I don't actually remember my childhood before I was 8 and always assumed that my parents divorce and arguing was the most traumatic thing that happened to me.

I was wrong.

Memories. Vague and filled with revulsion and horror. Cloudy and unclear are pushed aside, stuffed down so that I can cope and care for my children. As a teen I developed a story of another life, another identity, a past that was mine but not mine. As an adult I justified my promiscuity as empowerment blaming myself for situations that I now see were rape.

My ex partner pushed me into counselling. Told me I was safe to uncover the secrets locked within my psyche. Neither of us realized what I would uncover there.

I became pregnant and had to stop the work I was doing because I went into a deep depression. For those of you who suffer from depression you have my sincere sympathy. I do not envy your struggle at all. I was debilitated.

No one could or would help. Surrounded by people who said they loved me I cried myself to sleep day and night alone. Haunted by who I was. What did it mean to my identity for these things to have happened to me? They happened to other people, not me.

My pregnancy culminated in my partner walking out on my due date. I begged him to leave actually. So that I could feel safe, he couldn't do what I needed and so I needed him to go. That event is what led me here. My counsellor and I are exploring the idea that I've suffered PTSD because of that event. Giving birth without my partner, his demanding that I "be ok", leaving me alone to work days after the baby was born to support my family. The shock of that event on what was already unstable ground has left me reeling still a year and a half later.

I am terrified to go back there. To that place of discovery that I worked towards.

And yet I know I have to.

Thank you for sharing your stories. You are so courageous. Your bravery gives me strength.

[LunchBar]

Hi Katarina,

Thank you for sharing your story. And welcome  .
I am new here too. I joined as part of a search to find answers and I suppose some support too. However, I'm beginning to realize that I could help myself by being a support of some sort for others - even if it's a small word here and there. I'm beginning to see that most of the people here are willing to do the same, so I think you'll be in good company.
Every story, like yours, moves me.
Whoever you are, where ever you are, I send you thoughts of strength.

[keepfighting]

Hello, Katarina,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

I hope that this place - together with your t - can help make the journey into the (past) trauma and pain a little less terrifying. 

Best wishes! kf

[Anamiame]

Welcome! 

Being a single parent is hard.  I left when my kids were 5-10 years old.  They are now 18-23.  So I get that. 

I'm a little jealous though that you have a little one.  I miss them!  I may have to live vicariously through you with stories of your kids. 

I was fortunate to have a reprieve of the inner work for the past 10 years; but was falling apart when they were little like yours.  It's not easy and I do not consider myself successful when they were small.    

We are here for you though...I'm new, but so far, it's really been a very supportive place.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Katarina      Beginning to remember can be really frightening, we all get that here so you are definitely in good company.  One thing that might help turn down the volume a bit on the fear is to give yourself the gift of time and self-care. By that I mean embrace the idea that it's perfectly OK and probably even the best idea to take things slowly and in your own time as I'm sure your T would agree.  Let yourself rest when you need to, comfort yourself in whatever way makes sense, and congratulate yourself when you take a step however small. 

Seeing a T is a BIG step     Posting here is also a BIG step      so give yourself a hug and savour the idea that you are looking after you 

[GraciousJoy]

Hi Katarina, you already took your first steps by seeing a T and posting.  I just posted a few days ago, so I know the nervous feeling of being new here.  I'm new too, and had suffered from depression in the past.  You most definitely have my sympathy, as I wouldn't wish that level of hopelessness on my worst enemy.  Like Kizzie said, just give yourself time, it's very frightening to face your traumatic memories.  Just know that you've come to the right place. 

GraciousJoy

[Katarina]

Thank you all for your kind words. Kizzie I only wish I had time for the level of self care I really desire. To be honest I'm afraid of it a little because going in, acknowledging the feelings I was having, taking time, that was what landed me in depression and pregnant, though the latter is unlikely to happen again
I feel as though I would love to take a few days to read everything you all have written on this board as it is so valuable as well as Pete Walkers site which I have been trying to read.

My kids are 11, 9 and 18 months. They all have different Dads and I've been a single parent for pretty much all of the 11 years I've been parenting. My daughter is the oldest, I left her Dad when she was about 18 months because he was cooking drugs in the house when I wasn't home. He is a drug addict now which is hard in it's own right. My 9 year old boys Dad is amazing, a wonderful man who stays away from me because he is convinced I am a psychopath or have BPD.

And the baby...admittedly I am angry with his Dad. Really angry. Like more than I have ever been in my life. The hardest thing is I don't know if my feelings are justified in the present or if they come from the past. Can CPTSD occur in adulthood? Everything I have read assumes the trauma occurred in childhood but what if you were in a really vulnerable place as an adult in a relationship with someone you trusted deeply?

My partner broke up with me in an email when I was 41 weeks pregnant with his child. I layed down some boundaries around my then 7 year old son and he refused to respect them, I asked him to leave and restated the boundaries. He broke up with me and told me to have the baby without him. He bailed on rent, food etc. I had no maternity benefits no way to pay the bills but to go back to work a contract job with my tiny infant strapped to my chest.

It was awful.

For a year and a half now I have been caught in that desperate panic mode, fighting, blaming, accusing, begging, crying, pleading for him to "do the right thing" and respect the boundaries I have laid around my older children, to treat me as an equal instead of an invalid. But of course nothing has changed and he is as entrenched as ever, as am I.

I am trapped. I don't know what to do to break free of the panic and desperation I feel constantly. The anger and rage I feel is like poison in my veins.

And I wonder how much is in the present? Obviously right NOW, this moment, none. But recent history? Or old childhood beliefs? My ex would say it has nothing to do with him, that he is a saint.

Counselling has only dealt with the right here and now. Keeping food on the table. The doors to my business open. My stress away from my children. But what I know is that there are deeper questions to be answered and I don't know where those answers lie. Don't trust my own thoughts.

Anyway I will keep reading your stories and maybe come to better understand my own.

[C.]

Welcome.  Timing is incredibly important.  Your baby is lucky to have a mother who is willing to make this journey.  You will both be grateful in the end.  In your situation waiting sounds like an important survival tool for you to have used.  Learning how much is enough to process is something that I'm figuring out too.  Having a toddler you might appreciate the metaphor of emotional "potty training."  People who've experienced abuse and neglect often struggle with emotional regulation.  Negative emotions are something that were ignored, punished, criticized in childhood.  So when the emotions hit they are too big...depression...debilitating EFs...Figuring out how to regulate and experience pain appropriately takes time.  I feel like I am finally able to feel things "smaller"...now I usually notice an unpleasant emotion early, feel it briefly, and recover more quickly.  I share this with you because it's new for me, was unfamiliar and I think gives hope.

I am sorry that your ex treated you so badly during a time that could have been filled with love for his child.  He focused on being critical of you.  Terrible.

As you mention I know that you will find community here.  A place where you can give AND receive.  Welcome.

[Katarina]

I feel like I am finally able to feel things "smaller"...now I usually notice an unpleasant emotion early, feel it briefly, and recover more quickly.  I share this with you because it's new for me, was unfamiliar and I think gives hope.

I like that - feel things smaller. I am still learning about all of this and often feelings for me are really really big and confusing and draining and...well yeah. I like that, thank you. 

[C.]

I understand about feelings being too big...I'm happy the idea of "smaller" helps.  It takes time, but gets easier and I'm happy to have people on this forum so that we learn this together