The big Dudette

Started by Shankara, April 07, 2018, 02:09:55 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shankara

Cozyness and nice smells sounds good Blueberry.

Will get to something similar. Thanks.

sanmagic7

hey, shankara,

i relate to that overreacting thing.  i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive.  especially if someone is triggering for any reason.  that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.

i do believe that as we continue to go thru our healing journey, we'll learn more about ourselves, who and what we are, who and what we want to be, and head forward toward some of those goals.  it takes exploration, experimentation at times, self-discovery, time, patience with ourselves and practice. 

i'm sorry you're having those terribly weak feelings.  i think you'll begin feeling stronger inside as you continue to move thru this jungle of c-ptsd.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs.

Shankara

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 03:48:09 PM
hey, shankara,

i relate to that overreacting thing.  i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive.  especially if someone is triggering for any reason.  that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.


Yes San that was the case.... Thank you so much for writing... Words are always helpful.


Shankara

#33
Got thrown out of a spaceship, landed on a planet, definitely our solarsystem... so I think I had no plan, just something like intuition maybe. Here I went on another survival trip.

Star trek came into rescue. Wanted to become a Vulcan, wanted to meet Gene Roddenberry, but the guy died in 1991. Too bad for me.

Why Vulcans are so appealing? They have mastered their emotions fully, they have this unhurtable, untouchable aura. Well, sounds maybe silly to perhaps stuck heads into those fictitious worlds... that Gene roddenberry guy was old too, so why bother?

Walking on thin ice is a challenge, especially when I feel splintered, trying very hard to distinguish between real and unreal. Who is threatening? Who is going to use you? How much can you let show?
Memories come in snapshot mode, fear catches me, grief catches me. Crying my eyes out, sensing heaviness. I want to puke because grief seems to have that quality. I watch sigourney weaver in alien when I feel weak, or I watch sisko from Star trek. Or alice morgan from Luther. Ok thats strange to like that alice figure, this woman is toxic. Anyways...in hardcore -weak sensing this helps....





DecimalRocket

I relate to wanting to master emotions like a Vulcan, but I guess life is more complicated in some way. Vulcans aren't as unemotional as they seem on the outside, and the Star Trek wiki talks about how their logic is a way to control their extreme emotions.

Spock is iconic for being controlled and objective, but inside he felt different for being half human and how that makes his emotions stronger. To heal he had to be fully aware and integrate both parts of himself - logic and emotion. He had to be aware of both, hear each side's opinions, and combine it into an action and goal both can agree on.

Maybe the secret to healthy logic is healthy feeling.

Rani

Not sure if it's okay to come back to my old Diary, I wasn't able to remember my previous access details, so I'm back as Rani..
I think I want to come back to ,,The Big Dudette"...

sanmagic7

welcome back, rani.  hope you're doing well. :hug:

Rani

#37
Thanks Sanmagic7

thanks * the welcome.

* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, it's okay to carry a loneliness that doesn't hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ,,Other people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Don't really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I don't * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *". The next voice thinks that it really doesn't matter, it shouldn't, you shouldn't need the need * that kind of connection. It's not them, it's your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...

It's hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you don't belong here, and even if many people aren't aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, it's so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even ,,they"  aren't aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ,,WORK"? The work??????? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>>  why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! It's as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I won't do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier?  Give me an example?

Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!

I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?

Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, it's the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. It's the survival mode that looks out * those who aren't there Be aware child, don't * into that trap.


Bring me home.
I don't want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...

Shankara

I'm back in my journal..

I see that on this forum not much is going on..

That's okay though, because I've been quite depressed, since a while now. Felt stable, as if life is doable, not everything is such an extreme challenge.

It's hard to do life..


Shankara

****** Dont read if you are not stable enough*****

Mornings are hard, mornings remind me ,,Oh I am alive, this is life, this means I have responsibilities, work, people, daily routines, and so on***


This sounds very naive and silly:

I wish I could be in another humans mind.. not in a chaotic mind, someone who is wise, someone who has done farming for a long time, someone who has had no traumatic upbringing, who feels safe in their body and space, in  a world mostly unsafe, as if their viewing the world also with awe, where there's little to non survival mode in their brain.

I'm tired of going through the same repetitive thoughts, emotions, pathways that are deeply carved into my mind. I'm exhausted, but it isn't that bad like it used to be after almost 20 yrs of therapy, doing many changes, yet again I feel this deep deep despair, as if Iam carrying something so heavy in my heart.. I just cannot seem to place it somewhere else.

I am no spiritual person.. I don't think I ever was..
Yoga helps (Not saying yoga has to be spiritual) but at times I think to myself ,, what's the point? I am going to feel and see the same thing over and over and over again.."?!

Same people, same reality same same.. it's almost painful to be reminded of this.

I've come to a point where I've lost a lot of hope, I'm deeply depressed and yes, I know how this sounds, it's this whinny voice and I dislike it..

I have people that care for me, and I still work out, despite feeling low, changed my diet a couple of years ago..

Yep the depression, it comes and hits badly.


Hope67

Hi Shankara,
Welcome back. 
Hope  :)

Shankara

Thanks Hope! It feels good to read you name ,,Hope"..
——————————————————————


—-I need to get to work, I am almost crying, and I'm trying to make myself feel more gathered.. I'm all over the place..
I could do the excercises to bring parts more into dialogue, they should be more seen.. I've ignored the part work, I don't do the visualizations, I haven't done  the tapping.. EFt with my Mantra.

Why Shankara do you keep forgetting to do these things?


Everytime there's some friendship thing going on I forget to consider my attachment style.
The little one who fears abandonment, how to give a sense of safety to that child.
I came across someone who has knowledge on Ayurveda, Vedic philosophy and Childhood trauma.. it explains a lot, Vata Dosha is very familiar, yet I also need the work of Ellert  Nijenhuis, I haven't gotten back to..
I feel everytime these themes come up, I need that information always, but in my mind territory I tend to fall into the trap of hopelessness.

I need some little inspiration, I  need Art or something creative

Shankara

Ive been dealing with PMS symptoms, depression and exhaustion.. the things that keep me somewhat stable and functioning is the gym, Yoga and trying atleast to keep nutrition on check.. no snacking at work, very little Gluten or sodas or whatever.. yet it's easy to grab a cookie which was suppose to be one and suddenly you've eaten 5. Which I did a few months ago, but doesn't happen now, I'm quite happy about it, that the binge eating is no longer there.. this is hard because I have to eat breakfast even if I don't want to. Enough Protein and I don't feel the need to fill myself.

Everything feels like discipline, I know that I have to keep it up, it doesn't matter how depressed I am, I must because feeling tired all the time is much worse.

Haven't been to Cryotherapy since two weeks now. I love the cold, the clear mind afterwards but I was engaged in other things that I didn't make it to the Cryocenter..

I feel sad and slightly anxious, about work, about people, about everything pretty much..


Papa Coco

Shankara,

Like Blueberry, I'm impressed you can hit the gym twice in a week. I've stopped going completely.

I'm so tired these days that I sleep all night, and then take long naps during the day. The wet winter weather is a part of it, but so is the trauma of the past, which is still coming around to bug my present self.

I don't know if you will resonate with this, but in speaking only for myself, I just struggle to find enough self-love to want to take care of myself. To me, this is more about a lack of self-love than gym frequency. If I truly loved myself, I'd organically take better care of myself, my diet, and my exercise. Rather than trying to force myself to the gym, I'm trying to find enough self-love to want to feel good again.

I have this crazy belief that there is a spiritual solution to every physical problem. The spiritual solution for me here is to find a way to accept that I deserve to be loved as much as anyone else on this earth does. If I can accept that spiritual solution, that I'm lovable, the physical problems of having no motivation to clean up my diet, exercise, and diminished energy, will cure themselves. My mantra for this is As above, so below.

For me, once the motivation is there, the exercise will follow. If I exercise while feeling self-hatred, that exercise just wears me out. But during those rare times when I feel like I love myself, or when I feel like maybe I have a purpose to life, the same exercise becomes exhilarating. Again: This is just me talking only for myself. I'm sharing it in case it resonates in any small way.

Shankara

@Papa Coco

I'm so tired these days that I sleep all night, and then take long naps during the day. The wet winter weather is a part of it,

Hi! Thanks for sharing Papa Coco, my late comes in pretty late, was as always  caught up with Day to day struggles. How do you feel now energy wise? Hope you are able to recharge well ?!

I don't think it's a crazy belief Papa Coco, and I respect the fact that people have some sought of  a spiritual anchor to be able to walk this life, which is tough and a struggle  but also to find beauty, which is maybe not always easy to realize especially for those like us who've gone through terror for many years.  so to find meaning is very human.

I did experience self hatred for many many years, which after almos 20 yrs of therapy, isn't the case now, yes selfcritical yet no hatred. Selflove is a dimension that doesn't quite fit with me though, it's more like discovering parts of self the hard/ difficult aspects of self and the more kinder ones.. by doing things. Movement, Body therapy etc etc

when I feel like I love myself, or when I feel like maybe I have a purpose to life,


Wishing you more and more moments where you feel this way, may they be longer and more meaningful..

Best wishes