**Trigger Warning: Cult-related sexual abuse

[California Dreaming]

Hope- I'm really glad that you have followed along

Woodsgnome- I appreciate you sharing your practices with me. I hope to live in the forest again one day. I miss the daily contact with nature, especially the forest.

As I have mentioned before, I have consciously chosen to limit my human contact to safe people. I really cannot afford to be retraumatized. I do hope to find love outside of my children and my therapist but am not willing to take the risk at this point. The love that I feel from my therapist is different because it is in a therapeutic context. It's a healthy template for me to work off of.

I can relate to your chronic lack of lasting motivation. I have gotten my hopes up for a better life so many times only to have them dashed once again. At the moment, I still have hope. I believe that it is in part because of the OOTS community. I am reminded of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés talking about fanning the ember inside of what she calls the unmothered child. Being a part of this community helps me to fan the ember of hope.

I can see how the memory map work would be helpful. In a way, I have been doing this but less formally. Reading remains an important practice for me. Sometimes I wish that I could live out what I read. One of my favorites is The Essential Crazy Wisdom by Wes Nisker. I thought of it when I read your desire to be known as a Holy Rascal. He talks about the holy fool and the important role he/she plays n moving human evolution forward. Based on our spiritual abuse, crazy wisdom is our conventional wisdom. You may enjoy reading it. It isn't particularly long. He also says that it is doubt that keeps crazy wisdom moving forward.

As your personal evolution continues, do you think about how you are and will move human evolution forward?

[woodsgnome]

 ...but yes,  of course--Wes Nisker's "Crazy Wisdom" is a wonderful romp through the too often hidden nooks and crannies, ins and outs of the escapades that turn spirituality around from its usual  trappings. The great thing about all of these authors is that they don't skim over their material; they know the details without needing to drag everyone into some grand theory or theology suggesting they've found all the answers. Because...wisdom can indeed be crazy--in the life-enhancing sense of that term. They don't deny their doubts while remaining fascinated with what's hiding behind the surface appearance.

One of the authors I mentioned--Mirabai Starr--has a large section in her memoir entitled "Caravan of No Desire" in which she recounts how a self-styled religious guru took her under his wing and cunningly abused her for some years, until she sees the hypocrisy and cruelty of his game and gets away. Her story reminds me of what you've shared, California Dreaming, about your own fall into the snares of a spiritual teacher/overlord. As both of you relate, it's an easy trap to fall into, even as a 'rational' adult.

You wondered if I think about fitting into the overall evolutionary scheme. I have no idea, though I would so. I'm still so deep in my own bubble (in the world, not of it) I can only plod along in the personal, unable to fully grasp the overall picture.

[California Dreaming]

I like your take on crazy wisdom

I uploaded a sample of "Caravan of No Despair" and plan to read it soon. I will let you know about my experience.

With your history of writing for the newspaper, have you considered writing about CPTSD?

[woodsgnome]

California Dreaming wondered if ...[to Woodsgnome]: "With your history of writing for the newspaper, have you considered writing about CPTSD?"

Yes, and no. The yes is that I of course actually have written on this forum using the format presented here.  But unless I were somehow motivated, writing elsewhere would be problematic. Too draining; I already live in a steady state of ef's, some of them requiring little stimulus to get rolling and just letting the memories ruin the day.

There is one exception, though...I think it would be useful if a broader public were aware of the secret abuse that ran riot in situations like I was in. Interestingly, there's still lots of abuse (more covert these days) going on at the high school I attended. A couple years back I ran a general search and found a blog post specifically titled "an open letter to the [name of sponsoring church body, regarding the high school experience of the writer].

I did add to his commentary, as did several other graduates from differing decades--mine was actually one of the older ones. Highly intriguing, but limited circulation unless people know the specifics as to the church body and school name. I won't name it here either; doing so would violate the protective confidentiality guidelines on this forum designed to keep it safe.

I also know of a fellow who experienced serial abuse from 2 individuals with authority in a church of another, more liberal (and therefore surprising) group. Ironically, he's now a professor of religion. His story ended up as the background plot for a play, but the playwrights set it in within a different denomination on stage for some reason. Weird, because it's useful to know this happens beyond the  confines of the usual suspects covered in media reports.

I played around with writing a memoir of my own, but found it frustrating as I'd have to stop in anger too frequently. I have enough pain of my own accord to not want to stimulate it that way. Perhaps it would be doable via a ghost writer, but at the moment I'm not keen on it. Even then, the point wouldn't be poor me but rather what a travesty these people were doing in the name of religion.

[California Dreaming]

I can understand your resistance to writing because of the triggering component. Writing here can trigger me, but here I receive validation. I have no idea how the public would respond. I feel like I am reaching a threshold though where I want others suffering from CPTSD to know that they are not alone. Also, I want the medical community, therapists, and "spiritual" leaders to know how much harm they cause us.