Feeling guilty for being loved

[wonderbumble]

Hey y'all! I'm really curious if others will relate to me on this.

I'm 19, an abuse victim, still in the situation, on treatment (Wellbutrin--lifesaver) for depression, depersonalization, etc. I guess you could say I'm dealing with ctsd, and not cptsd since I'm still here.

My question is my question because I've been extremely lucky. I have one best friend from middle school, two more that I found online in 2015, a great mom, and as of last week an otherworldly-incredible boyfriend. I consider all of these people to be platonic soulmates (and the boyfriend--beginning to believe mutual soulmate).

My dad is the one who has destroyed, and continues to destroy, a lot of my life and my mom's life. Neither my mom or I have family or friends outside of the people I listed above. Everyone either died from old age, or my dad ran them out of our lives. Every corner of my life has been warped in terms of how I connect with other people in a human way because of him. We've been trying to wiggle out for years without much luck.

My middle school friend and I write long messages to each other over facebook at least once a week, and have been on each other's team for years. My mom tries her best to navigate daily survival with me. I'm convinced my two online friends were sent to me personally by the universe. And my boyfriend is rather hellbent on getting my mom and I out of here because he has the resources to help. (Note: He and I have only been back in touch from middle school for four months; we last spoke in 8th grade.)

These people are my only people, and I feel absolutely guilty sometimes for being in their lives and being so lucky as to have met them and be their friend. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve them and that I don't give enough to them in return (even though I logically know I give it my all).

It's absurd, because interpersonal relationships aren't transactional and of course we all care about each other. It's not a chore, THEY aren't a chore, I know I'M not a chore, and yet--I feel like one.

Thoughts and stories and opinions are much welcomed.

[DecimalRocket]

It's normal for many of us here to believe that we don't deserve love. I don't think I deserve it much myself sometimes. When we're abused, blamed, and hated for who we are, we tend to believe this.

When we're kids and we're treated this way, we think it's our fault. It's a kind of protection against the belief that it's other people's fault, especially our parents. As kids, we're absolutely dependent on others to survive, and to admit that it's someone else's fault means that we can't do anything to survive in the world.

It's traumatic to live in a warzone outside home, but to have an emotional warzone inside your house is traumatic too. When we're traumatized, a part of our brain has been wired to believe that we're still experiencing the past times even when it's not there anymore. So we often need repeated practice, support and affirmation for what we're going through.

Anyway, take care. And yes, you deserve love. We all do.

[Libby183]

Welcome, wonderbumble.  Love the name!

Like DR says, most of us here probably relate.  He describes it really well,  I think.

I have been married for 25+years.  My husband is absolutely my saviour.  Without him, I don't believe I would ever have escaped my nm and ef.  It took years after I met him, anyway.  We have been through so much together and survived, and yet,  I still feel so guilty.  I feel like he could have had a much better life without me. In fact,  just yesterday,  I asked him if he ever thought how his life would have been so much easier if he hadn't married me. He said he had never thought that,  but I find that hard to believe!

What I want to say, however,  is the fact that you have these brilliant friendships, a good relationship with your mother and what sounds like a lovely boyfriend,  seems to bode very well for you.  You sound like a very emotionally healthy person,  who understands the issues in her life and will do well.  So don't feel guilty.  You're doing great!

I have never sustained any real life friendships, but the friendship of people here is wonderful.

Take care,

Libby.

[Dee]

It is wonderful to hear that you have such support.  It is also important you learn to love and support yourself.  At your age I looked to people to save me.  Then I learned only I could really do that, so I did.  They could support me, but only I could save me.  It took me awhile to get there.  I didn't think I could make it on my own, get a job, or move into dorms at a university.  When it was suggested that I could get a job and afford a place of my own, I wouldn't listen because I thought that wasn't possible.  The week of my 20th birthday I did just that.  I have had ups and downs, I even got into an abusive marriage stemming from wanting to be rescued.  I did however have the resources to support myself and leave the marriage.

[sanmagic7]

hey, wonderbumble (love that name, too),

i think it takes practice to be able to be comfortable with feeling love, kindness, generosity, caring - all that good stuff - that we needed but didn't get when we were younger.  as you continue in recovery, find your way back to  your true self, i believe you will find your sense of self-worth, and that will enable you to allow the positives in.

you're not alone, you are valuable, and you totally deserve any love that comes your way.  sending a hug full of love to you.   

[wonderbumble]

Hey y'all! Sorry I forgot to respond to this, it's been busy.

Thank you all for your kind words and awesome advice.

I've gotten better with this; I think I've moved on from a subconscious "I don't deserve it" to a conscious "How can I manage all this support better?"

Sometimes it takes mental post-its stuck everywhere with "Yes, it's allowed, and it can happen for you" written on them.

And I send a post-it to you: You guys deserve it too.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the post-its - i think that's a marvelous idea and makes a great visual.  lovely.  warm hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks, wonder. (Can I call you that? You do seem to be a wonder.) It's nice to hear I deserve it too, even though I've been hearing that for years and I still don't fully believe it. But hey, maybe a millionth time's a charm.