Was this dissociation, or something different?

[Hope67]

Little Hope wants me to ask a question here - when she used to get moved around from school to school, I think that the number of school changes got too much for her.  Maybe she shut down a bit.  But Hope remembers that whenever she used to meet a new school child - or a teacher - or anyone new - that their features would be extra defined - every freckle on someone's face would stand out - it was almost as if Little Hope was viewing them in technicolour brilliance.  This would be the case for about 20 minutes or so, and then later, as she got to know them, then the initial features wouldn't be prominent or even noticeable anymore.

This doesn't seem to happen now as an adult - but I do remember it clearly and vividly from when I was a child.

Does anyone relate to that?  What do you think it is?

Hope 

[Kizzie]

It's not something I've read about or experienced myself Hope, but it sounds similar to when time slows in a traumatic situation and you an remember every detail vividly or on the flip side we suffer from amnesia - the brain does some remarkable things to protect us. 

I wonder if Little Hope was on high alert meeting new people based on the possibility of being hurt and so her brain kicked into overdrive - a survival tactic of sorts?  Remembering every detail of a person's face might make it possible to recognize and avoid them in the future.

I have to say as I read your post I thought 'What a remarkable job Little Hope did in helping you when you were a child"   

[woodsgnome]

I didn't recognize it until recently, but I seem to have dissociated regularly throughout my life. It's almost like falling into a fully awake but semi-hypnotic brief trance, as if the brain is fighting to create a breathing space or something like it in which to recover. Once the immediate sense of danger seems  diminished, the still wary brain comes back into focus on what's happening.

The most frustrating aspect is when others notice and say something like "are you out of it?", "are you alright,", etc. I used to be ashamed, self-critical and super-sensitive about this until my T explained that of course I can be that way, it's a natural response to early trauma. And that she's noticed I do catch myself doing it now, which formerly I couldn't do. Which doesn't fully comfort but it's easier to be kind to oneself if you understand some of this weirdness. Understanding any of this is always a desirable starting point, I think.

[California Dreaming]

Great question Hope! From what I can tell, what you have described has not been studied in those of us with CPTSD; however, researchers have studied the brain's response to visual stimuli in people who tend to be hypervigilant. Researchers have found that the areas responsible for processing visual stimuli are activated more strongly in hypervigilant individuals, even if the stimulus is non-threatening. It doesn't seem to be a characteristic of dissociation, rather of hypervigilance.

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie - thank you for your reply and Little Hope reacted very strongly and emotionally to what you said about how she helped me when I was a child - it touched her heart to hear you say that, thank you.   I also relate very much to your suggestion of it being a case of hyper-vigilance, as this does fit in with my general 'being' - I am still contstantly hyper-vigilant, but with that comes an extra ability - in that I can notice details that others very often don't even see - like being able to see typos and things like that, and I think I'm so much 'safer' when out on the road and around traffic etc - because I am always looking out for danger - and therefore probably avoid it in many instances.  I think I really 'feel' another person's personality - just from their presence and their way of being - but I think that's based on a likely hyper-vigilant appraisal of them - but I also realise that I don't always make the best decisions about them, as I have made mistakes in my judgement over the years - and been drawn to people who weren't very good for me.  But then, that makes sense in that - the people who were supposed to have my best interests at heart, my FOO, didn't - and that really hurts. 

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you for your reply and I really relate to what you wrote - about how dissociating feels - and I like what your T said to you - and also your comment about how it's easier to be kind to oneself if you understand some of this stuff.  I agree that understanding any of this is a desirable starting point, and that is why I value so much the fact that I can come here, and ask whatever questions that myself and Little Hope want to ask, and know there are people like yourself who understand and 'get it' and we can share our experiences and our thoughts and feelings.  It's so validating and helps so much.  Thank you. 

Hi California Dreaming - Thank you for sharing the researchers take on this - it is very helpful - and I relate to it a lot - because I've noticed how I am able to often see things in films and situations that others would miss - and that I'm hyper-vigilant to visual stimuli - which includes non-threatening stimuli as well.  It does seem to relate to the hyper-vigilance side of things, and I am extremely hyper-vigilant.  I know this. 

I am so glad I asked this question on behalf of Little Hope - with every question that I ask, I receive such helpful replies and it takes me a step forward - that's how it feels - and I am grateful for everyone's help.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

Big hug for you Little Hope, you did a great job and really should feel proud! 

I just realized as I was reading your post Hope that hypervigilance is one gift/curse I have from CPTSD.   I don't take in the detail that you do, but I do read emotions or try to. For example when I walk in rooms  if there is any tension between people, dominating people, etc, I will locate that within minutes.  It's gift in the sense that it helps me steer clear of people who might hurt me.  However, it's a curse in that I can't screen out as much as other people do so there is often too much stimulation and I become frazzled, especially if there are a lot of people. 

I am also a detail person which is great for work, but not so good when I am out at a restaurant and a picture is crooked lol.  Drives me crazy.  And it can really ruin some otherwise entertaining movies!

[DecimalRocket]

Being aware of details can be both a gift and a curse. It's a different way of seeing the world, and that's valued too. It's more valued to jump into situations and take risks, but it's also a strength to take some caution and reflection on what you do. One serves to explore and affect the world, and one serves to conclude and decide things about the world. We need both.

, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie & Decimal Rocket,
Just read both your replies here - and they both make a lot of sense.  Thank you! 

Just wanted to acknowledge that I'd read and appreciate your comments. 

Hope 

[I like vanilla]

I am currently reading a book called Supernormal by Dr. Meg Jay. In one section, Jay reviews research about children from abusive homes vs. those from good and good-enough families. The research shows that children from abusive families are much better at noticing facial expressions related to some emotions, particularly anger than other children,  and anger recognition was consistent across the studies even when there were mixed findings for other emotions. For us, it has been a survival mechanism to notice anger in others as quickly as possible so that we can adjust our behaviour (another skill that abused children excel in vs. their parents) or otherwise respond, usually in the fight-flight-freeze-fawn modes.

I wonder if the ability that you and Little Hope have to really see the vivid details of others' faces relates to this ability to see and respond to anger. In a new situation your body automatically read each person to determine safe or unsafe. Being able to see the vivid details of their faces would be instrumental in making these decisions. Once your body decided someone was likely safe then it could return to normal vision and move on to the next person.  (?)

[Hope67]

Hi "I Like Vanilla",
Thank you so much for this reply - I've only just seen it.  I appreciate what you said here very much, and it does make sense.  You also said something today in another part of the forum, in a reply to someone else, and I was so struck by what you wrote - it was about the effects of Narcissistic parents on children, and how they take away the soul - or the self - I can't remember you exact words, but I took a quote of what you said to put in my Journal because it resonated so much with me.  I hope that was ok to do that, but it was like you'd spoken some really precious words that I wanted to remember and recall.

Thank you.

Hope