What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?

[salto]

Read an article recently that hit me hard in the gut. Transelated to english, the title said:

"I have PTSD, and most of my symptoms are hidden"

Oh, so true!
And we work really hard to hide what's going on inside.....
Panic when touched, is one of the things I try to hide......because it's so shameful....
What's yours?

[Deep Blue]

TW:
I self harm: a go to coping mechanism for years, as I have gotten older it is becoming less effective
I dissociate: I've learned a face that just stares and nods, but really I have dissociated
Panic attacks: only one of my friends has ever seen me have one... I usually find a way to be alone and have them.

[California Dreaming]

I have found that it takes time and a great deal of inner work to improve my awareness of my cptsd-related symptoms. About 6 months into my recovery process, my psychiatrist at the time and my therapist who I still work with would say to me, "I think your ptsd has been triggered." I would be like, oh yeah I have ptsd. I was so unaware that I "forgot" that I carried the diagnosis. About 7 years later, I now am able to identify when I am in a triggered state and to what extent I have been triggered. I still don't always recognize it right away. As the term implies, our ptsd is complex. Untangling the mess can be extremely arduous and lengthy depending on so many individual factors. I have discovered biosignatures that help me such as cold intolerance, body tightness, difficulty swallowing, and a burning sensation in my solar plexus. When it is really bad, I will have suicidal fantasies, which is far less frequent than in the past 30 years.

[Cookido]

Dissociation and depersonalization: I wasn't aware of the symptoms until I found OOTS half a year ago.

Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.

Emotions: I realised there are emotions I havn't felt. Most of my life I've viewed emotions as a thought and not a feeling. My progress on relaxing has taught me that feelings are felt in the body as well.

Pannick attacks: I knew of anxiety attacks but I used to believe that the pannick attacks were just me having low blood sugar.

[woodsgnome]

I'm guessing I have lots of hidden facets that characterize cptsd.

One that comes to mind now is a high degree of avoidance, especially interpersonal relationships--I'm fearful of everyone, justified or not. Walker notes that this characterizes  'freeze' types, and I'm definitely like that--at its worst I'm more like an iceberg.

This avoidance is tied to a pronounced fear of conflict. This came on early as a natural defense but I've honed it 'til I notice it a lot, while others seem not to notice. So perhaps I also developed a chameleon quality to relationships, especially brief encounters, where I can seem agreeable even when I look for the exits out of the situation. This can happen even when there's no obvious conflict--I'm extremely fragile. 

[Blueberry]

Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.

I do this too. Exactly this. In my case I think it is cptsd related. cptsd is a stress disorder. For me it's one of those "Whoa! Watch it" signs. In my childhood / teenage years there was a lot of emphasis on the 'correct' word and I was not listened to because what I was saying purportedly did not make sense whereas that was actually just an excuse not to look at the FOO dysfunction. My speech was often criticised or mocked. I call it 'intellectual abuse' and it still very much affects me.

I'm ashamed of this one and think it must be very obvious to everybody and not hidden at all.

As for my hidden symptoms, I hide my emotions and my real thoughts a lot (except on here) because I've learnt they're not wanted. Then there are symptoms or results of cptsd other people might see and not realise they are cptsd related. Like me now being overweight. I think I quite often know myself, I've been in therapy so long.

[Cookido]

Blueberry, your response really hit me. The reason I said it wasn't cptsd realted is because I read about it on internet that it can be due to stress. But I relate to the intellectual abuse you described. When I was a kid, up till teenage years, I could barely spell and my teachers thought I had dyslexia (I have not). My parents used to read back the things I wrote and mock me and my brother (who had the same issues) when something was misspelled. I'm so sensitive about my spelling even today, I had a hard time accepting the OOTS spell-check button disappeared. Also talking, like using the "wrong" word, was and is heavily critized by my parents. What you wrote gave new perspective on this matter.

[Blueberry]

Cookido 

[sanmagic7]

crying at anything that denotes caring gestures, motherhood, loving family - anything about love.

constant muscle pain all over.

alexithymia - inability to recognize, identify, verbalize, and express my emotions.  this has gotten a little better as i've moved along in recovery, but it still often takes hours or days before i can recognize what i felt about a certain conversation, action, or behavior.

inability to deal with even small stressors anymore

constant tension throughout my body

can't process a lot of info at one time, or when it comes at me rapidly

feeling of being paralyzed when i'm overwhelmed

dissociation/depersonalization

when i'm stressed over my limit, my brain feels like it's full of cotton, and i can't see into it.  those are times i need meds.

the list goes on and on

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate to w.g and the freeze response. I get pretty distant too. I genuinely like staying alone much of the time, but other times it's isolating. I look more easygoing, but there's always a part of me that's less confident and a lot more high alert than I look. Too many memories of being hurt make me uneasy.

Strangely I hang around small groups than one on one as much. When it's one on one, I have to take a big slice of the conversation by interacting with effort with a person. With small groups, they get to talk to each other and I can step in only when I'm ready. That, or if someone picks me up with a question, I wouldn't need to direct the conversation to something that could be stupid.

It's a step up from being entirely isolated though. But still, even if I look comfortable, it won't be long until I physically disappear to spend some time with myself out of fear.

[Morelia]

Up until recently, the whole thing. I didn't realise I had CPTSD until about a year and a half ago and I'm only just starting to unravel it all. Some of the most hidden:

Emotional flashbacks: When I began to suspect I had CPTSD I kept dismissing it because I thought I didn't get EFs. When I learned to identify them, ho boy - turns out I get EFs all the damned time.

Mysterious gut issues?: I have had what doctors have called irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) since I was a teen. There seems to be no obvious explanation for it. It seems to be partly related to food intolerances but I bet there's a psychological component too. The thing is, they hurt and I'm always hiding it.

Like sanmagic7, I get constant tension, dissociation, foggy brain and difficulty dealing with the smallest amount of stress. Also anxiety. Lots of anxiety.

Speech: I do the word swap thing too!

Difficulties interacting with people: Part of this probably my autism, but the CPTSD doesn't help, especially when people so often trigger my EFs.

Touch: Yep, I hate being touched too. I don't panic, but I don't find it pleasant. I try to avoid handshakes - carrying a lot of stuff can work well here. This could also be autism rather than CPTSD.

[Cookido]

Morelia, I have IBS too, it truly sucks. I have read that IBS can be the cause of trauma. My symptoms get a lot worse from stress. I eat a FODMAP diet which has helped as well. I suggest you try it because I know how difficult life can be when you have to base it on your stomach and belly issues.

[Cookido]

Sorry I meant that IBS can come from trauma not be the cause of it! Silly mistake.

[Deep Blue]

Cookido,
I'm diagnosed with IBS too.  It's so exhausting.  Plus I started self harming in a different way because Of the IBS.  I wear heating pads when my abdominal cramps are acting up.  I now realized I burn myself with them on purpose as a new form of self harm.... ugh

[Boatsetsailrose]

I seem to be lucky as being in 12 step recovery and having a sponsor also being in therapy I don't hide anything. But if I think about hiding from the 'outside world' it would def be suicidal thinking which comes at times