What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?

[Sceal]

I hide my disconnect to people and the world.
I hide the fact that I hear voices (unless explicitlly asked about it.. and who asks about such? No one).
I hide the fact that my grasp on reality is vague.
I hide the fact I am forgetfull, that I lose track of time. That I can't remember when the last time I spoke with someone was, because my sense of time gets confused.
I hide the fact I'm so worn out.
I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english. And sometimes it doesn't work either. I laugh it off when I lose track of a conversation and revert back to a previous one because I can't recall what we're talking about or not realizing that the conversation has moved on.
I don't know if they are cPTSD related, but its the main thing I try to hide of my symptoms.  although I hide my story, and I hide my diagnosis from my family.

[Cookido]

Deep Blue, it's difficult. I'm used to the pain by now and I find it comforting at times because it makes me focus at the pain instead of other things. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn't, knowing I will hurt from it, just because the pain is familiar. The belly pain isn't dangerous so I never really cared too much. But burning sounds very physical to me.  I hope that you being aware will help you keep yourself from burning yourself. I thought about bringing IBS up on the forum, I suspected others might suffer of it.  For me it's a very big part of my life and identity by now, but I also find the symptoms embarrassing.

[Deep Blue]

Cookido,
I'm currently in an EF and hadn't done it in a month or so... unfortunately I'm sleeping with a heating pad tonight...  heavy sigh

[Boatsetsailrose]

This post is so helpful as I find it hard to quantify my experiences in words.
SAN magic your post is so helpful for me as I experience a lot of what you list.

I too have ibs and have stomach ache as we speak. Headaches all my life since being young. If I do have a headache free day it is just bliss.
Brian fog and trouble with too much information geee that is big for me

[Morelia]

I'm trying the low-FODMAP diet now. It really has helped. It turns out I'm lactose intolerant, but there's at least one other thing in the high-FODMAP group that's causing issues and my dietician and I haven't been able to identify it yet. I'm working on it.

I totally recommend that anyone diagnosed with IBS try it. After years of complaining to doctors and hearing, "Eat more fibre, drink more fluids and exercise regularly, and if that doesn't work, tough, there's nothing else I can do," it's wonderful to find something that actually does provide relief.

[Deep Blue]

Morelia,
I did low fodmap and still had problems.  Turns out eggs are a problem for me and they are in low fodmap! I should always eat better and exercise more... but too much fiber causes me problems as well. 

I honestly think i keep tension in my stomach and that can be a huge problem for me.

[Morelia]

Morelia,
I did low fodmap and still had problems.  Turns out eggs are a problem for me and they are in low fodmap! I should always eat better and exercise more... but too much fiber causes me problems as well. 

I honestly think i keep tension in my stomach and that can be a huge problem for me.

I'm sorry it didn't work so well for you. I think I could have issues with certain low-FODMAP foods as well. I'll be asking my dietician about that, and also asking my doctor about a referral to an allergist/immunologist to find out if I'm actually allergic to something. But isn't it a frustrating experience trying to work out what's actually causing the problem!

I completely understand what you mean about keeping tension in your stomach. I'm pretty sure I do the same.

[salto]

I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english.

Oh, so recognizable Sceal! I thought it was just me doing these things. Do you often use English in social settings? Do you think in English as well?

[Sceal]

I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english.

Oh, so recognizable Sceal! I thought it was just me doing these things. Do you often use English in social settings? Do you think in English as well?

Thank you, salto. For understanding!
I think in english, I write notes and diary notes in English, I even talk to myself in English. I have to make an effort and tell myself that I need to start thinking in my native language - to connect more to what I'm doing. I think English is sometimes an escape language for me. I use it, because I can distance myself. In english (especially american english) the use of big words has smaller meanings. But if I'd use the equivalent in my native tongue it would be pretty profound and deep. It has a much bigger effect and meaning. In my culture we try not to get noticed too much, or to think we are worthy/better than others. And it affects the way we use the language.

[Cookido]

Sceal, I wonder if we are from the same country. The whole culture is based on not being better than others but at the same time be successful with only yourself as support (individualism). I also related to what you wrote about thinking in english. A thought in english can mean less than the same thought in my own language. But it might also just be that I use english on a daily basis due to my partner being from another country.

[Sceal]

Cookido, maybe we are Maybe just similar country?
i also use English daily to speak with my roomate. Seems we're quite similar situation

[MarkD67]

Hi all,

My cPTSD was initially identified by my GP. I was describing symptoms to him one day just over 3 years ago. He responded that he'd only ever had one patient describe what I was experiencing, and that patient had temporal lobe epilepsy, but without the emotional precursors. This led to a series of tests and referral to my current psychiatrist who confirmed cPTSD.

These symptoms include my diminished verbal capacities when triggered. I'm usually quite eloquent but my language skills go right out the window when in emotional flashback. The speech centre of the brain is in the temporal lobe (the speaking part, not speech recognition) . I also have multiple different taste sensations, and occasionally difficulty recognising faces. All related to temporal lobe damage.

I've had to deal with depersonalising (verydisturbing) and serious dissociation. I have one 'persona' that frequently takes over when I experience significant interpersonal anxiety. It takes over before I can even feel the fear/terror. I am completely aware of this happening now, but have no conscious control and can't stop it from happening.

My most disturbing and persistent hidden symptom is tactile hallucinations. Mostly in my mouth. When triggered, or when the 'persona' takes over, I get these strange sensations in my mouth and neck. It feels like having lots of local anaesthetic in my mouth but it's vibrating like chewing on an active vibrator. Then I get lots of undulations under my tongue and like someone has taken control of my jaw and is moving it. Sometimes it feels like my essence is being sucked out of me through my mouth.

There's plenty of others symptoms but they are 'normal' cPTSD attributes.. Cheers

[ah]

This is a really good question. I don't know what my most hidden symptom is. Maybe it's a very deep, all-encompassing belief that I'm disgusting and evil and beyond redemption.
Like my essence (for lack of a better word) is that I'm bad so nothing can be done about it and there's no hope or love for me.

Well I can't say I can point to anything to the contrary in my life so in my credit it isn't just a thought from long ago that has stuck in my mind but a day to day belief.
I have long term ongoing abusers who relish in telling me so, but still. I feel like a disgusting evil idiot for not being able to see through it, or to overcome it. Like a feedback loop.

[Rowan]

My almost continuous desire to not exist.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I feel so sad to read what others experience and very much relate too.  We must keep standing up and fighting one bit at a time. Working on any bit however small with support to heal a little more.
Shame is something that inhabits but it's not who we are .. below that we are love pure love.
That's what I'm realising it's everyday to find that true but if me below and to the side of it all that loves me.