Loneliness

[samantha19]

I'm not really looking for a solution to this or anything, just want to write my thoughts out somewhere safe cause I feel really alone right now. My IC doesn't like when I talk about being sad, cause it says you're just like [insert narcissistic type peoples names], you're attention seeking, etc. But that's just how I feel just now, and it helps to let it out.

It started on Wednesday I think, most of my friend group were invited to a party and I wasn't. It felt sad to be left out. I mean logically, I wasn't close to the host so it made sense that I wouldn't be invited unless to include me or if there was room for plenty of guests. So logically, I can see that. But it still kinda hurt, and makes you examine yourself. I know I am very anti social a lot of the time. I live my life pretty closed in, barely speaking unless spoken to. It's not a great way to make or maintain friendships lol, but speaking up triggers my inner critic and social anxiety big time, so it's just so unpleasant and uncomfortable it makes sense to avoid instead. I did find it weird that my partner wasn't invited either, he was much closer friends with the host and a clear part of that whole friend group. It was weird to me that he / we were left out. And it makes me wonder why. Why were we not liked enough or chosen? It feels like a rejection.

I know I probably overreact to this stuff a bit, though. I've had parties where I've not invited people I genuinely really like - due to numbers or feeling like I don't talk to them enough so it'd be weird for me to invite them (hello, my old friend paranoia).

My relationship has been struggling a bit recently too. I don't feel very liked / desired in it recently. I feel like I make almost all advances for physical affection, etc. I'm the one who usually wants to spend time together. He's not as interested, or tired of me. He might just be tired and stressed or something, but I don't know. You can tell when someone is really into you then that fades out. It's different between us now. Maybe that's just the "honeymoon period" being over. It just seems like I used to be a joy to him, someone he was happy and excited to spend time with now and now I'm an obligation that doesn't go away.
He's not cruel or anything. I'm not saying that he's doing anything wrong. I just feel not really appreciated or wanted. He's often irritated with me now or lost interest. And that's not very fun. Just makes you feel hurt and more alone. It's not nice to feel like such an annoyance. Especially in your relationship. This isn't all the time and he's not like abusive or anything, I can just feel that something has changed. 

As for work and home - both are new places, new flatmates and new colleagues. I'm so quiet and socially avoidant. I can feel myself crawling back into my shell. I finally came out of it a bit and had friends at my old work, and I thought I was getting a lot better. But really it was more like my life had changed than I had changed as such. I changed a bit, for sure, there really are improvements. But all this new environments and unknown people that I'm not already friends with is a trigger. It's put me back a lot in terms of my social anxiety recovery I think. I'm way more closed in again. Way more feeling alone. More avoidant too.

I went to the pub tonight and it was nice to have a genuine conversation with someone, light hearted and that, makes you feel like a human again for a split second, like someone who people might like, who matters? But still I couldn't shake the depression I've been feeling, the loneliness. I just feel like an outsider recently, like I'm watching the groups of people I'm with, not really one of them. Just letting the conversation go on by.

I'm feeling disconnected. And I'm feeling stressed about being lonely.

But also terrified of doing anything about that loneliness. Because there's still that fear inside of me of the shame and inner criticism that socialising brings.

I'm not sure how to even be really, in social situations. I guess you just shouldn't overthink it.

I want to make friends but it's hard.

The way the world is feels like a road block too. When you're depressed or whatever it's like you can't really be genuine to re-find that connection (or not with most people). "How are you?" "Yeah, good!" Whereas inside you've already contemplated death 5 times and it's only 10am, or something. It's hard to talk intuitively in a conversation when all you can think about is the sadness you're experiencing and all that comes with that. Because you're not excited about normal things or whatever. You're just like "I hate my life, I feel so alone, everything is poop, I wanna die." That's not really normal or group conversation.

I obviously have things to work on.
And I should probably address my relationship issues soon. Because being in a relationship where you feel increasingly alone and not very liked, is probably more loneliness inducing than not being in one at all (given you don't dwell on your single life as a reason to feel lonely, double edged sword really, but yeah).
I've also clearly got depression and anxiety issues that are still affecting my life massively.
I need to get over the hump.
It's not helpful to me to feel unable to share myself with others. There's so much loneliness and hurt in living like that, cornered in by shame.

I'm quite sick of it.

Just rambling here to get it out tbh. A part of me wants to say sorry for this but I know that's just another symptom, always apologising for myself. Ugh. 

[California Dreaming]

Hi samantha19. It was brave of you to post today. Your post touches my heart. I want to ask a zillion questions to better understand. At the same time, I already understand. Hopefully, you can suffer just a little less knowing that those of us with cptsd can really relate to how you are feeling.

Changing work and home at the same time is extremely difficult!!! This seems to be compounded by the struggles within your partnership. I realize that I am pointing out the obvious but want to validate the magnitude of your current experience. These type of experiences have resulted in "unbearable pain" and "unthinkable anxiety" for me.

I also can relate to feeling rejected...so, so painful!

Your inner critic is wrong. You are not attention seeking. You are engaging in a healthy behavior by sharing your experience with those of us who can totally understand. You are not overreacting. Being triggered to this degree makes sense. Rejection can feel like an atomic blast to us.

There is so much more that I could write. Hopefully, your reaching out to this community will help you to feel a little less lonely, more connected, and help you to keep your feet moving along your recovery journey.

[Kizzie]

Hey Samantha, I could really identify with so much of what you wrote.   I too struggle with social anxiety, rejection and forming relationships. The 'progress" I have made with this is finally being able to talk about it. In the past I couldn't even utter much about this feeling of being left out, alienated, different to myself much less to anyone else.

So, the fact that you have written about your feelings so clearly and honestly seems like such good recovery (i.e., you're not hiding from these feelings like I did for so many years, decades really - it was just too painful to admit).  I don't know if you feel the same way, but for me it's progress just to admit these feelings.

I also see in your post something I am realizing about myself lately and that is I am hypervigilant and so aware of others, I constantly read people to stave off any potential for hurt, pain and rejection.  It is no wonder whenever we are in the company of others, we don't allow ourselves to be present in the moment and in the socializing, we have learned we can't afford to. We are different in a way because trauma teaches us we can't be open, trusting, vulnerable.

all this new environments and unknown people that I'm not already friends with is a trigger. It's put me back a lot in terms of my social anxiety recovery I think. I'm way more closed in again. Way more feeling alone. More avoidant too.

Anyway, all this is to say that it is no small wonder to me at least you are feeling as you do right now.  You are in a situation where people feel threatening because they are new and it makes sense (in terms of having CPTSD) to become more avoidant again. Maybe give it some time and let your comfort level build back up as you get to know the new people in your life.

[woodsgnome]

There's a lot of familiar topics packed into your post, samantha19. It probably resonates with most who stop by this forum, given how our life stories bear the scars of cptsd and its after-effects which hit especially hard on our interpersonal relationships.

I have a thing for words, and sometimes tell myself that while I'm solitary, I'm not entirely lonely. Meaning, I guess, that the idea of being alone doesn't challenge my notion of still being okay with not being around people that much; especially when it's problematic for me to do so. The issue of boundaries comes to mind here.

All this self-understanding, though, can easily fall apart. The tendency towards loneliness isn't something I've ever tamed entirely, and while I wish and hope for better outcomes socially, I can't hold my breath thinking that change will be easy and might even be too strenuous. It takes perspective--sounds great, but it'll never prevent loneliness entirely; at least that's been my experience.

Even in times when I thought I wasn't lonely, at least some of that turned out to be an illusion--I was always lonely inside no matter what. The inner ache never subsided, resulting in the hypervigilance, dissociation, and all the other familiar backwaters of our psyches.

It's been a long time since I read it, but I did find an interesting perspective in a book called "Party of One--The Loner's Manifesto", by Anneli Rufus. I recall it didn't dwell so much on the ins/outs of the various causes like cptsd that contribute to the loneliness trait, but it handles well the absurdity of society's 'rules' that wrongfully indict anyone spending a minute's (let alone a lifetime) time in solitude. Her take isn't an anti-social rant, just a comfortable rebuttal to the notion that 'ordinary' implies being overtly social, whatever the reason that one chooses a more solitary course.

While we know too well how the horrors of our backstories contribute to our current messes, Rufus's book was an important reminder that whatever the cause, there's nothing inherently wrong in being alone. Nor is she some literal hermit in the woods, like I am--she, and her fellow-loner husband, live an urban existence.

I might benefit from reading it again, as I recently was in a group ironically designed for healing memories. While I found It creative I left feeling like I'd dredged up the memories yet again just to acknowledge that yes, they still influence my life. I fell easily into feeling as if I was in a slight dissociative fog, usual for when I 'm around people in a group like that...it just feels crazy; wanted to leave after the first day, but was dependant on a ride. Suffice to say, this loneliness/solitary dividing line seems close. I've come to accept it as a given of my personality makeup, not good, NOT bad...it's just there.