I must become“ ready“for the war

[Shankara]

I'm struggeling a lot with this perception of the world, my existence etc. This black and white thinking order creates anxiety and depression.

When people meet me I usually come off as tough (most of the time not always) and I can be assertive/ outspoken. The thing is I feel this is just a very shallow facet, because the way I feel these Days doesnt match upto that. I feel very fragile, almost cracked in the core.

I have this constant fear that I cannot win any fight, discussion, argument and so on....

I scan for threats, "where might be the next argument"? Its as if I must be ready for battles.

I have done therapy, I go to the gym and I have done a selfdefense course and will be again in May.

I wonder why I cannot calm myself down.

[sanmagic7]

shankara, it may be that you are in a transition period.  you're beginning to look at things differently, question where and how you've been, and trying to decide which direction you want to go in from here.  getting out of the black and white thinking means that you need to explore the gray space for yourself, where and how you fit now.

transition is always unsettling because we're not where we were but not yet where we want to be.  it's a time of confusion cuz we're questioning all sorts of things, including the personality we've held onto for such a long time, the perspectives of people and the world that have been constant companions but may not work for us anymore.

it takes time, patience, and determination to make any transition.   i've also held that tough exterior when all anyone had to do was say 'boo' and i'd crumble into mush.  defense mechanism.  as i've truly grown stronger, i've been able to let go of some of the 'toughness' and be more real for each individual situation.  it's still there, tho, when i need it.  i just don't need it all the time now.

best to you as you explore.  loving warm hug to you.  you're definitely not alone.