Clingy friend

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fighter

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Clingy friend
« on: April 15, 2018, 05:54:49 PM »
My oldest friend is a friend from childhood (we met when we were four) and for many years she was my only friend - my family, even. without her I'm not sure i could have survived my childhood and I am eternally grateful to her for that . 

But those days have past and now, I don't get anything out of our friendship. When I see her, I feel uncomfortable, I just want it to be over. Interaction with people is really difficult and draining for me, and she in particular just drains me.  She doesn't do anything bad, she is just uncomfortable to be with. we don't have much to talk about, she doesn't know when the party is over and it's time to go home (I don't drive, so whenever i see her I am stuck waiting for her to decide it's time to drive me home), and then she always wants to see me more and more.  At Christmas this year I sent a gift to her son and she texted me to complain about it, which I found unbelievable.

Whenever she contacts me, it's always the same pattern. she texts or messages me "hiya", and I am like "hi" and she says "how are you" and I am like "fine (or whatever) how are you" and she says "fine (or not fine). We should get together" and so I make plans or stall in making plans but eventually just do because she keeps asking.  And the anxiety always weighs over me until it's over.

She contacted me a couple of months ago, same conversation as always happened, except that time I said, "I'm not good lately and I really don't want to get together right now. I will let you know when I feel up to it." (Of course that was not the end of that conversation because she then asked what was wrong, but I managed to keep it brief.)  At Easter, I made the mistake of liking one of her posts on facebook, and so it begins again. She sent me a text within hours "Happy Easter". I didn't respond, since I had asserted my boundaries with her (which is VERY hard for me btw). I felt violated and intruded upon, like she is just waiting for signs of life to jump on me, and I made note never to ever again like one of her posts.  The other day, I updated my cover photo - just a pic of my son and my dog cuddling.  So I got another text from her within a few hours "Hi" (once again jumping all over any sign of life). 

I feel so intruded upon. Facebook is for passive socializing. I should be able to mindlessly like things and post things without people intruding on me, and expecting things from me just because I am alive and somewhat interactive. I have high avoidance issues, and severe social phobia (I do things like hide in my house because I am afraid of interacting with others, I am afraid of the doorbell and I rarely answer my phone).  The last thing I need is to feel like what safe space I have is being intruded upon.  When I hear from her I feel trapped and like I can't escape. it makes me want to move and change my phone number and my name.

Re: Clingy friend
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2018, 08:50:11 PM »
I can relate to, "The last thing I need is to feel like what safe space I have is being intruded upon." I have never participated in social media, but I do own a cell phone. When I have asked someone to leave me alone but they continue to reach out, it creates a hypervigilance around my phone ringing or beeping with a text message. If I see their name, I am triggered. Depending on my emotional/psychological state, it can take me further and further back in my trauma history. There can be a domino effect so to speak.