I feel arrogant and naive, not wise.

[DecimalRocket]

Some people tell me I'm wiser beyond my years here, and I can see the point logically, but I can't feel it emotionally. I'm 17. I feel like saying this kind of thing about myself at my age would attract people who'd say that when I grow up, I'd realize how arrogant and full of stupid mistakes I made.

So I always notice mistakes in personal growth, and barely acknowledge progress in wisdom. My parents never praised me when I grew emotionally growing up, and no one else praised me about it either later on really.

What's the use of acknowledging my progress when one day I'll look back at them and I'd beat up on myself on how I was stupid? Then in that future I'll realize the future me would tell me the same thing over and over? I do the same with my past self everyday of every hour.

Maybe they're right. Just a naive arrogant teenager with barely any self awareness at all.

[fighter]

Hi Decimalrocket,
Your post really touched my heart.  I think that trauma and abuse make you grow up fast - we grew up dealing with real adult issues, not child issues, so it is to be expected that many of us probably are in some ways wise beyond our years. Our childhoods were stolen from us, and we deserve to honour that.

I don't recall ever feeling like a child, you know carefree.  I was always very introspective.  I guess this balances out being delayed in other aspects of emotional development, like by forever seeking parental love and reassurance from others.  At 17, I was not all that different from now.  Sure I made stupid mistakes sometimes, and I totally still do.  I have learned new things since then, and I still have a lot more to learn. At 17, though, I was still much wiser than many people will ever be - Look at our parents, for example, and all heir enablers; those people will never be capable of achieving the wisdom that you are capable of now. 

The fact that you are even aware of making mistakes in your personal growth is amazing - not because that is amazing for a teenager, but because it's amazing for a person. I guess that's the beauty of our experiences; we can be exceptionally wise and sensitive people. You deserve to be proud of those rare and beautiful qualities <3

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks fighter. Well, I guess I could clearly say that you fought for me.

I'm not sure I remember being carefree either back then. I can look carefree, sure, but I wasn't.

I guess I'm hard with myself because of survivor's guilt. Everyone else has to deal with their trauma later on with life, and I get to do it early. My mom was abusive to dangerous levels back then, but has changed now — which I find rare in other people's stories. I was emotionally isolated from other people, but I'm opening up more these days.

Sometimes life looks so normal externally now that I wonder if all the crying, all the times my inner critic said I deserved nothing, all the deep loneliness, all the overwork to passing out and all the numbness and detachment. . . I wonder if it was real.

I wonder why I'm not grateful about my life yet.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't know if anyone will bother stopping by here, but I guess at least typing it down would help organize my thoughts.

Sometimes I think I'm just lying to myself about my life. That maybe others only see me well because I'm making a different show on things, something much more inaccurate. I remember when I heard the idea that secrets will always come out, I scoffed at it. If I kept every worry and every pain alone to myself in my head, without written word or verbal word, then it will stay a secret. If it would never come out of the external world, then it would stay a secret.

But without the external reflecting back the internal, I'm left wondering if it was all real. I did write things down, but I never showed it to anyone. No one knew that more thoughtful side of me existed, and so I wonder if it existed. I wonder if hours and hours spent thinking on my life never written down or said existed. All those insights, fears, insecurities, hopes, celebrations, and everything? If rarely anyone has acknowledged it, does it really exist?

I don't know.

[Blueberry]

I guess I'm hard with myself because of survivor's guilt. Everyone else has to deal with their trauma later on with life, and I get to do it early.

Actually DR you are not the only young member on here dealing with trauma.

My mom was abusive to dangerous levels back then, but has changed now — which I find rare in other people's stories. I was emotionally isolated from other people, but I'm opening up more these days.

There has been some change in my FOO too. Just, not enough or not consistently enough for me to have normal contact with them. That you are opening up more - I'd say this means you're making progress and beginning to heal 

Sometimes life looks so normal externally now that I wonder if all the crying, all the times my inner critic said I deserved nothing, all the deep loneliness, all the overwork to passing out and all the numbness and detachment. . . I wonder if it was real.

I'm sure it was real. Life can look normal on the outside, even when people are still stuck in the traumatising circumstances. Doesn't mean it is / was normal! Join the club. It's common.

[sanmagic7]

part of the shame of this beast is that it doesn't allow us to look to the future in a positive way very often.  i'm so very glad for you that you are dealing with this at such a young age, because i believe you have more of a chance of getting the better of the beast than some who may have begun questioning and realizing what's really going on much later in their lives.

i think that c-ptsd has a certain naive component about it.  we weren't allowed to know what many children know - how to be a child, how to grow thru the stages of childhood and how to come out of childhood into a healthy adulthood.  how can we know what we never knew?  we've all been naive about the nature of abuse, its ramifications, and its far-reaching tentacles that wrap themselves around most every area of our lives.

as you continue to grow into adulthood, garner more life experience, i think that a lot of the pieces will fall into place for you.   your continuing questions and realizations will serve you well.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  loving warm hug sent to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Berry and San, for affirming my efforts.  I needed that.

I guess it's because growing up mostly isolated and using the internet, people never knew my age when I spoke online. So they treated me with the standards of an adult. I had to understand the complexities of what was right or wrong, or I was treated harshly for immaturity. I had to understand the difference between  wisdom or being a know it all, kindness and a hero complex, or being too blaming of myself and others.

I didn't know certain issues growing up, and when I read people getting angry at ignorance, I assumed it was my fault. I assumed I should have known. I tried to. I tried to understand quickly and deeply, but I was a kid, and I just. . . couldn't.

[Blueberry]

So they treated me with the standards of an adult. I had to understand the complexities of what was right or wrong, or I was treated harshly for immaturity.

Aww. I'm so sorry about that DR, even if in some ways you've maybe benefitted.

There's that saying "No such thing as a stupid question, just a stupid answer." That comes to mind. Ignorance is simply not knowing and it's OK to ask if you don't know! It's one way to learn. My FOO tended to guffaw and mock when I asked a question to learn something as a kid. It's not helpful. You're not "at fault" for not knowing something!

[sanmagic7]

yeah, trying to pick up on things, understand what's going on, make sense of adult stuff when we're kids just isn't ok.  it leaves us confused at best, scrambling and pressured at worst.  then to be mocked for asking for information?  nah, not ok.

i give you a lot of credit for even asking the questions.  i was rigidly taught not to ask, just accept, and i did it well, absorbing all the neg. along the way, staying confused for most of my life, and berated for asking questions (when i finally broke thru that barrier).  a lot of my relationships didn't withstand my asking questions.

i hope you continue to ask.  love and hugs, sweetie.  always.

[sigiriuk]

One of the things with experiencing trauma, it makes us think in polar opposites.
I am either a good person, or the worst.
I am the best musician, but now i am the worst.

Maybe: you have some wisdom, you have some arrogance, and you can be naive at times.  You aren't totally naive or arrogant, and not the Wise Person.

I am sure everyone here feels a bit like that at times, but I now try to avoid the extremes: there have already been too many extremes, in my life.

Slim
(I wish that there was an Internet when i was 17!)

[DecimalRocket]

Berry and San, you're right. It's alright to ask questions, especially when you're confused in life. I wish when most people find questions that may be considered offensive in that it shows ignorance on something serious, I wished they'd give whoever it was a chance about it. They're ignorant, but not necessarily some kind of bigot or horrible person, really. 

Slim, I can see what you mean. I find that I care about balance in ways I never thought about, and explore a lot about the balance of different things in my own thoughts. Nice to hear how it applies to this situation too.

....

I'm a little embarrassed at saying all of this though. Isolated with the internet and a lack of social skills? I sounded like an utter loser, didn't I? I mean, I did tended to use the internet for essential things too rather than just for wasting my time - like studying mental health to find out why I've been so depressed my entire life, diving deeply into hobbies and interests to expand my view on the world, and learning other people's major perspectives in life. . .  but it still feels like I was just a loser.

I'm a lot better now, and I don't get why I still regret something that's well and far into the past. And I wasn't really that isolated all the time, at least physically. It was more that even with those I talked to, I still felt an inability to emotionally connect for people with some reason, and was just led to becoming more distant to give up on it.

Not thinking love could work at all sounds like a stupid opinion now. Now I realize much of my pain was from the lack of it, without ever knowing. I saw other people praising it in their recovery or enjoyment of life, and I wish I realized earlier that I could feel it true if I tried. That it was possible, because I've tried so hard looking to why I felt so empty my entire life and to fail felt like I was an utter loser.

[Deep Blue]

Decimal rocket,
I'm glad you realize that you are not an utter loser.  I'm also glad you are doing a little better.  Sending you some love 

[Blueberry]

I'm a little embarrassed at saying all of this though. Isolated with the internet and a lack of social skills? I sounded like an utter loser, didn't I? I mean, I did tended to use the internet for essential things too rather than just for wasting my time - like studying mental health to find out why I've been so depressed my entire life, diving deeply into hobbies and interests to expand my view on the world, and learning other people's major perspectives in life. . .  but it still feels like I was just a loser.

I don't see it that way, DR. I don't see you as any sort of loser. OK, all of us on here have 'lost' a lot, but because it was denied us by our abusers/neglecters or taken from us. But it doesn't make us losers.

I was told my members of FOO that I was a loser and a failure when I was growing up. I think those are very harsh words. I don't even use them for FOO. I don't use them for myself any more either. Or for anybody on here.

[sanmagic7]

no, you're not a loser,  as bb says, we've all lost a lot, we've failed at things, we've made mistakes, we've been naive, we've felt lost a lot of the time, but that doesn't make us losers.  it's like, once i had a bad experience with a med. procedure, and later, talking to the doc, i mentioned something about my past, and he retorted sharply 'well, why didn't you tell me about that BEFORE the procedure!'

really?  how was i supposed to know what was pertinent info for him to be aware of.  that's like blaming the victim.  and, as we roll along, learning more about what has gone on in our lives, why we felt the way we have, and why this stuff doesn't easily go away, it's similar to me.  how could we possibly know?  we never knew what questions to ask in the first place.

sure, i've learned a lot from internet research about trauma, narc abuse, etc., but i've learned more from feedback i've gotten here.  people answered the questions i didn't know to ask before i was even aware there was a question in the first place.   funny how that works.

so, i keep coming back because this community has helped me grow, has given me strength, support and answers when i didn't know why i felt lost, weak, and clueless.  i think most of us come into this entire c-ptsd narrative faltering, struggling, falling and failing at times no matter how we've been and acted and thought in the outside world.  i've found so much gratitude and humility here even tho i spent most of my life feeling entitled as far as praise and my own sense of self-knowledge went.

i liked what slim said about having some of everything within us, rather than all or nothing, black and white, extreme thinking.  that's something that will help me stay balanced today, as i've been struggling with the thought that i could 'fix' someone lately.  so very glad to have read that.

a question answered that i didn't know to ask.  best to you, d.r., love and hugs.  yeah, love is all right, and mightily so.

[Contessa]

Dr (haha like what I did there?)

I stand by what I said in the other post a few days ago. Also, as others have said, this sounds like healing to me! These introspective analyses that nucleate such uncomfortable self critical feelings are to me significant life placemarkers for healing.

I began to flip my thinking and get excited about what changes I was going to make for improvement when these realisations hit. After all, the brain is being allowed to process something beyond survival at these points, the fact that we can think these thoughts at all after what we have been through is an marker of improvement in itself.

Ditto to San's comment; that you get to do this at 17 and not later like us... well it's still not fun clearly but man, knowledge is power right?