Why do his words still hurt even after I am "free" :(

[FTmomPTsurvivor]

Hello!
I just found this site today. I have only read a few posts, but I could not be more relieved to know I am not alone. I developed CPTSD from a 8.5 year relationship with the father of my children who has Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. He was diagnosed in May of 2017 after trying to commit suicide and being committed for 8 days. I already had my escape plan finalized at that point, signed a lease that started in July '17, but he was not aware of that yet. I had hope that the hospital stay and diagnosis would help him and he would get therapy, but it just gave him an excuse for his behaviors and choices and wrong doings.

I thought it would be over, or at least better/easier, once I was moved out with my kids. Boy was I wrong.
I moved out as planned. 1 month later, I told him he needed to stop showing up unannounced and he had to knock before he came in... it was a huge fight, but I stood my ground. He came over the next night, (unannounced of course) and told me in tears he had just left the hospital and had a tumor in his lungs and it was probably malignant. Next day he tells me he went and had a biopsy, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had less then 5 years to live. Eventually, when I wouldnt take him back regardless of the cancer, it changed to he had 7 months to live. Pretended to go to chemo weekly, guilted me for not allowing him to move in with me and take care of him, told me I was a horrible person and mother and that when he was dead my kids would hate me.
Found out 3 months later, beginning of Dec 2017, it was all a big giant lie. Never happened. No tumor. No cancer. No chemo.

And guess who he blames the big lie on? Me! "If you loved me as much as I loved you, you would never have left me and given up on me and I wouldnt have lost control to get you back. You should feel lucky since no one will ever love you that much to make up an illness just to fight for you"

He continued to stalk/harrass/threaten me, multiple police reports made. After he was barred from my apartment complex for fist fighting my neighbors boyfriend, and started manipulating our childrens views of reality and bringing them to tears each time they would come home- I cut off contact, including with our 2 children. That lasted a few weeks, then get supeoned to court for paternal rights. I took the last of my money- paid a retainer fee in March and am fighting for full desicion making and residential custody (Illinois is super weird with custody laws- no such thing as "full custody" unless the other parent signs over their rights, which he would NEVER do). He will still be allowed visitation but it will be minimal.

He now has a girlfriend and I am now the enemy. He sent me a text last night (because I am an idiot and unblocked him when he was being nice for 2 days when my grandma was in the hospital last weekend) that spiraled into me into a panic attack, even though I know deep down the things he says are not true. Its hard when im already insecure and feel like a bad mom for tearing my family apart (like he reminds me every day) and then he tells me I will never accomplish anything in life and im a pathetic excuse of a person and my children will grow up to hate me...and that he was crazy for ever loving me and I was the lucky one and the best gift I ever gave him was leaving him bc hes so much of a better person without me....

I dont know why I just put all this out there- or if I sound pathetic- but I dont understand why he can still make me feel so awful about myself and get inside my brain the way he does. I have kids I have to be strong for and im deteriorating because I feel like I will never ever get away from him fully. He will always manage to find a way to hurt me. My kids already suffer...my daughter, 8, is starting to dislike being around him, but my son (5) he has manipulated and wrapped around his victim mindset. My son told me last time he saw him "Dad said when he gets his own house I can move in with him ok mom, because he lets me play video games and plays with me and buys me whatever I want and you don't do that stuff" Broke my heart honestly.

Sorry for the ridiculously long ramble. Comforting reading others stories. Saw a comment about their NP shooting a gun right next to them, mine did that twice. Once to his head- but it misfired. Still can hear both shots as I buried my head in my pillow and he stood next to me. Thanks for listening

[jamesG.1]

sounds only too familiar. Awful for you.

It's classic the way it makes you feel I'm afraid, the guilt bombs, the gaslighting, all that stuff is going to go in no matter how hard you try and resist it.

Try and see it for what it is, ie a normal response to an abnormal event. He's clearly a very disturbed individual and you need to be well away from him and go no contact so you can start healing. He;s exploiting your good nature to manipulate, and that won't stop as long as he has acess. Seek advice from whatever side you need to and if you have to, get the law involved. Be safe for you and yours.

x

[FTmomPTsurvivor]

Thank you for your response 

I struggle with no contact because of our kids, I try to make it only about the kids but that doesnt stop him from starting his little comments that he knows will trigger a reaction- if I fight it and ignore- he will dig deeper and harder (but quietly) so I snap off or respond and then BAM im the crazy one who cant even have a conversation and he will try to record me if I get loud at all while he laughs and acts like he did nothing to provoke me. So so hard to let his words bounce off of me. He thinks hes 100% right and I am this terrible twisted person that just left him for no reason other then "wanting to relive your 20's and be a whore and go to the bars", Since I had our babies at 21/23. Not true. I dont need to defend that here I hope, because on my children that is and has never been who I am. He even knows that....maybe thats why he always uses that, he knows it will upset me.

I havent spoken to him now in over 24 hours and he sent me an email this morning stating I am such a lost cause and ruining our children for not letting them talk to him yesterday. But if I let him talk to them, he fills their heads with * and it litterally stresses them out because he refuses to hang up with them and gets upset if they dont wanna talk to him.

So sorry for all my rambling. It does feel good to finally get it out of my head and in writing, so even if no one reads this- it helped me to get it off my chest for the moment.

[jamesG.1]

It doesn't work for everyone, I know, but try and expect the manipulation and it loses its potency. I've got very good on the tactics of narcs and they are pretty universal, once you get that it is all working to a set formula it becomes way easier to manage. In fact it can almost becomes like bingo.... is he gonna imply I'm a whore... yes... bingo!

Narcs love shock and awe, throwing the most unkind and bewildering thing they can at you to knock you off your feet and vulnerable to pressure. Mostly it's just puff and if you expect nothing else from them and run on zero expectations of normality, they don't have a clue of how to react.

As always, I strongly recommend the spartan life coach on youtube. It was a huge revelation to me when I watched that, all the pieces clicked into place.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQTiOe1TR5plQ4ifaVpu1Y4XJhYmwYqaM

[FTmomPTsurvivor]

Wow. I had never considered something as simple as YouTube for help. Genius what technology offers. I just watched that entire video, and clicked on a few others that popped up and have been taking notes all morning. I cant afford actual therapy (my children are in therapy- theirs is free through my state but only up to 18) - and this seems like a great temporary alternative. I have 2 books I just started as well, Stop Walking On Eggshells and I'm Ok, You're Not Ok- both very insightful and helpful so far. I am having a much stronger morning then the past few weeks and feeling a glimpse of hope for the first time that I will one day be on the other side of this. Thank you for that, and all your insight <3 

[SE7]

Hi, you have been through a harrowing experience. Just want you to know I can relate to the overall feeling of it still hurting even after you're "free" ... I went through several episodes with my covert narcissist father where he kept writing me notes that he would slip under my door. Some of the things he wrote were so piercing to my soul, I just couldn't believe a father would say such things to his own adult daughter. Evil stuff like 'your grandparents would be rolling over in their grave if ...' and a fake apology coupled with the supposed need for ME to apologize to him for nonsense things from the past (that's his forte, dragging long-gone subjects from decades ago back up to torment me with and guilt-trip me). The greatest pain I have is that I can never feel emotionally safe with my NF (undiagnosed) even though I can go months with him being perfectly well behaved and nice (this is the pure evil of the covert type, who resemble snakes). I am thankfully FREE of living in his house - but emotionally I still feel afraid of him and probably always will, and I have a hefty case of complex PTSD that I have to contend with daily.

One thing you are VERY blessed with is that your ex was officially diagnosed with BPD/N! I don't know if you realize what a gift this is, because it is your confirmation of something many of us never get. We KNOW they are B/N, but I'm guessing most will never put themselves in situations to ever be officially diagnosed. You now have the opportunity to teach your children what this means, and use this knowledge to validate your positions with your children vs. how he acts with them. Maybe a therapist someday can help you figure out the best way to handle that knowledge with children, but at least it's a starting point. That knowledge is power!

Speaking of videos ... those narc. videos on YT were my lifesaver as I finally learned * was wrong with my family. God bless the narc. community on YT! The two books helping me are Pete Walker's on CPTSD, and Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas (for those abused by covert PDs).

[finallyfree]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sadly sounds very familiar. I attempted to divorce and be free of my ex narc husband when my son was 3 years old he is now 20. I just could not take all the lies, manipulation and craziness he created. He is a malignant narcissist and OCD. A complete user that will lie, cheat and steal to get what he wants at all cost. They do not care about you or their children. I endured years of harassment, legal actions and basically felt terrorized in my own home that I managed to purchase after the divorce (that lasted two years because he intentionally drug it out) was finally final! My advice to you is to 1.) See it for exactly what it is, which I understand is easier said than done. 2.) Do not say anything at all to your children that he is dragging into everything. As they mature they will see the truth. 3.) Be as low to no contact as you can be with him. It is sad because the courts do not acknowledge or take into consideration when one parent is a narc and only attempting to hurt and control the other parent using the children. You have to as much as possible be the gray rock that lays there as flat as ever with no movement or emotions, when it comes to him and his minion girl friend. This is almost impossible with children involved. The only hope you have in my opinion is that he will get bored and move on. Mine never did, the only way I actually became free is he convinced my son to go and live with him when he turned 18. This is the first time I actually was afforded some relief from him. He has attempted to mail me nasty letters, but I just shred them, no more court order in place to control and jerk us around. He never ever cared about my son, just used him to hurt me. Eventually my son was able to see this. I wish you all the best and if possible move away from him geographically. I was unable to do so because of a geographical restriction he had put in place. I thank the lord now for every day I have that I do not have to deal with him any longer and it is really the only way to heal from all of the abuse. It has to stop.  Good luck to you!