I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.

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DecimalRocket

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I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« on: April 17, 2018, 08:10:45 AM »
I feel sick . . . maybe feverish even.

I had a long migraine today and still am, like a ring around my head was tightening in. My body ached, and my breathing became shallow. I'm coughing my guts out and it hurts. I was trying to forgive myself, and my body was resisting this. I didn't deserve this kindness, did I? I talked to myself gently for who knows how long today, and the more compassion I felt for myself, the more painful the aching felt.

People didn't respond to my posts much yesterday like the one at General Discussion of symptoms and my journal, and I thought, good, maybe I can learn to take care of myself. I did learn a lot, but now it's driving me crazy. The lack of attention makes me feel like I'm going to be entirely abandoned. It makes me feel like everything I say and do is wrong and worthless without some kind of affirmation. I can't stand believing people might hate me or be disgusted by me, that I don't have the right to exist.

« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 09:27:55 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Rainagain

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2018, 09:27:02 AM »
Hi Decimal,
The important thing for me about this forum is that people really know what its like to have cptsd.
I understand the feelings you are having, pain and a quiet desperation are companions of mine too.
Nobody on here is judging you, if I don't get a response to a post I imagine everyone is just busy having a worse day than I am.
We are all entitled to be heard and to exist, we care about each other.

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Deep Blue

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2018, 11:19:02 AM »
 :yeahthat:

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2018, 07:24:48 AM »
Guys, I'm sorry to be asking attention for the same issues over and over again. Since the start of my time on this forum, I've had the same fears. The same reaction. The same affirmations given by others. And I still am worried and overwhelmed by it. I can't seem to shake the idea of being abandoned.

It gets harder to go back here when it happens. I start distrusting even here, start struggling to open up more, and grow more and more distant. Sometimes I think if I don't get enough attention at a time, people won't just abandon me. Sooner or later, I'll abandon them to abandon myself. That I'll leave people here, and I'll leave the idea of trusting people forever.


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Blueberry

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2018, 07:30:49 AM »
DR, are you in therapy? I can't remember. A constantly recurring topic like this is good to look at with a therapist.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2018, 07:35:17 AM »
Yes, I am. Though I don't really talk about it much since there isn't much progress. I can't seem to talk to her about my issues much or trust her. I managed to make some progress on opening up about surface issues, but the deeper causes of everything is. . . will probably take some time.

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Blueberry

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2018, 07:41:46 AM »
OK, yes, i remember now about the trust issues.

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sanmagic7

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2018, 08:52:34 PM »
o sweetie, like you we all do our best to believe we are worthwhile as people, but sometimes it just slips by and it's hard to grasp, grab hold of, and hang onto that belief.   it's the beast, and it plays havoc with our perspectives, our perceptions, distorting the truth so that we can't make head nor tails of it.

i know that lots of us go thru the idea of abandoning others first in order not to feel the pain of being abandoned.  i feel bad that for you this idea is recurring for you.  i hope that eventually you'll be able to face this issue and find some satisfaction in resolution.

in the meantime, it's ok to write about it as often as you need to.  sending a warm, loving hug to you filled with 'staying with you thru thick and thin.'

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2018, 06:15:57 AM »
Thanks Berry and San. 

I guess Iím ashamed because Iíve prided on being independent when I was more emotionally isolated and lacked support. But when I get the first tastes of comfortable emotional support just for once in my life ó Iíve gotten pretty desperate for it.

Whenever I seem to be trying to heal an extreme, I flip flop to the other extreme. Tsk. Tsk. I know it was a harmful view, but I sounded a lot more impressive to myself doing it all alone back then. Iíve never felt so scarily vulnerable as asking for help now.

I just feel . . .weak and pathetic. After all, I am like that inside.

Do you want to know why I want so much attention placed in me? Because even though most of my rational self disagrees with it and I don't really act on it, somewhere in there is a part of me that feels entitled. That feels entitled because I'm a nice "special little snowflake" and it wants to take the attention used for other people for myself. Because I want to be validated that I'm perfect, and without it people might hate me. The part of myself that doesn't even want to be part of the human race, but something above it, with people being little insects below me.

My main recovery tool these days is Shadow Work after all - An awareness of your own dark side so you can be able to accept and control it. I'm not sure anyone would care if I talked about that. The reason why I'd stay hidden from opening up for years after all is because of that side of me, of believing I'll be shamed instead of accepted.

Then maybe no one can see again how I'm crying now.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2018, 10:22:51 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Deep Blue

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2018, 11:23:49 AM »
Rocket,
I thought of you yesterday.  I read a quote that said, ďMy biggest fear is that others will see me the way I see myselfĒ. For some reason you popped into my head.  I know you always talk about wanting to be perfect, wanting to be wiser, and stronger.  You remind me of so many of my students.  I teach honors students so they often are in the same boat of striving to be better and questioning their areas where they need improvement.  Donít write yourself off as weak or pathetic.  You have a lot of your life ahead of you and look how much you have come out of your shell on this forum!!!! I foresee more of that in the future  :bighug:

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Blueberry

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2018, 11:48:14 AM »
I guess Iím ashamed because Iíve prided on being independent when I was more emotionally isolated and lacked support. But when I get the first tastes of comfortable emotional support just for once in my life ó Iíve gotten pretty desperate for it.

Whenever I seem to be trying to heal an extreme, I flip flop to the other extreme. Tsk. Tsk. I know it was a harmful view, but I sounded a lot more impressive to myself doing it all alone back then. Iíve never felt so scarily vulnerable as asking for help now.
Oh, DR, I sense so much pain in this post.  :hug: if OK, otherwise you know about that symbol on screen...

I used to pride myself on being independent too, it was a way of feeling strong I guess and showing a front. I got a lot of criticism back then about how much I was alone and didn't have friends etc, so it was a form of self-protection.

Then, yeah, the first taste of good, healing emotional support and I got pretty hooked on it myself. It was hard when I no longer had it in that strength and availability. So now I understand you, it's good you wrote it all out.

I flip-flop a lot too from one extreme to the other. I think we often kind of need to do that till we eventually find a comfortable, healthy middle line. In most cases, we've probably never been taught and had no healthy role model, so it makes sense we flip-flop around.

I just feel . . .weak and pathetic. After all, I am like that inside.

You may feel weak atm but I don't think you're pathetic! In fact, you're very honest, and your strength shows in this whole post as does your bravery. When you get down to it, most of us are probably like that inside just a bit. Hence most (all?) societies' need for religious beings to be big and strong and all-powerful compared to us down here on earth. NOt a call to religious fervour!

Do you want to know why I want so much attention placed in me? Because even though most of my rational self disagrees with it and I don't really act on it, somewhere in there is a part of me that feels entitled. That feels entitled because I'm a nice "special little snowflake" and it wants to take the attention used for other people for myself. Because I want to be validated that I'm perfect, and without it people might hate me.

DR, it strikes me that you are being quite hard on yourself. Brutally honest anyway. It could be a pretty small Inner Child wanting attention from their parents instead of the parents putting this attention on their work. Idk if it's always true, but I learnt in therapy a long time ago that "everybody hates me" or "everybody will reject me" translates into "mum hates me, mum rejects me, mum rejected me when I was little". The trauma of emotional neglect.

My main recovery tool these days is Shadow Work after all - An awareness of your own dark side so you can be able to accept and control it. I'm not sure anyone would care if I talked about that. The reason why I'd stay hidden from opening up for years after all is because of that side of me, of believing I'll be shamed instead of accepted.

We all have a dark side in us. If it's helpful for you to do Shadow Work, then that's all to the good! If you want to write about it, go for it. Some people on here might very well be interested. Even if people write that they're not interested in the method, they wouldn't be rejecting you and wouldn't be shaming you.

Idk if you want any more hugs so here's a shelter :umbrella: from all those criticisms of you instead.

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Contessa

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2018, 12:49:49 PM »
Oh no! I wrote a response to this post and must not have hit send- blasted interruptions.

DR- you are so wise beyond your years and have known exactly what to say to me to invoke calm in me. I do sense the leadership quality in you.

I also understand that tight knot in the stomach waiting for a response. It's so hard. I can take no replies at the moment so don't worry about finding any words that are difficult to locate right now. Just know you are valued here, and certainly not weak or pathetic. Despite your disbelief, I know you've got strength, and you deserve some attention!

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2018, 02:37:30 AM »
Thanks you three, for saying I'm not pathetic.  :grouphug:

Deep Blue, yeah I guess I have some pretty high standards like those students of yours, huh?

Contessa, I'm wondering. Why'd you mention you see leadership in me? I've never heard someone tell me that about myself before.

Berry, you called it right there when you mentioned it was an EF.

When I was a little kid, maybe around the ages of first grade or so, I was a lot more short tempered. I remember breaking a laptop since I was frustrated at something that happened online, and my parents scolded me. Hey, sure, maybe it was my fault, but when they scolded me, they didn't let me express my anger in a calmer and healthier way. They just scolded me on feeling angry in general.

Maybe that's why I'm so hard on myself about being angry about the lack of attention. I'm familiar with people just scolding me for being angry than them really asking about the deeper emotional reasons behind them.

Growing up, I'd become a lot more calm and mellow again like I was in kindgergarten, but I'd still get easily angry around one person. My mom. She only listened to my wishes to rest from all the stuff she demanded if I had an emotional outburst. I can control those feelings in me now, but I just have these nagging feeling that if I'm calmer and not overly emotional to how I communicate, no one will bother listening to what I want.

I'm a little overwhelmed now about all those flashes of memory of years not being able to express anger at all. All this time I thought any anger to anyone from a terrible person on the news or a troll on the internet was a disgrace. I tried for so many years not to be angry, but I still am.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2018, 02:53:34 AM by DecimalRocket »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #13 on: April 20, 2018, 10:05:57 AM »
I managed to follow Berry's suggestion on talking about my therapist about my abandonment issues. Long story, but it went well. She was accepting, willing to listen and encouraging. She told me I was brave to do that. I'm not sure though. I don't feel brave, but it's nice to hear someone who's accepting of me.

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Elphanigh

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Re: I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
« Reply #14 on: April 20, 2018, 12:15:54 PM »
Decimal, talking to your therapist about anything new is always brave. It is revealing s part of yourself that is vulnerable and that takes a lot of courage. I am glad it was helpful to talk with her, and really hope it continues to be. I promise I am not ever going anywhere. Even if I am not responding, I am not abandoning you. I know what those feelings are like I promise  :hug: