Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

I wrote yesterday that I'm taking a break from the forum, yet I find myself starting a new journal. I might still be on a break, or atleast a half-break. I find myself so worn out everytime I log in and start reading. It's affecting me, yet I want to stay. Perhaps just smaller bites? We'll see.

I think it is time to start a new journal - the other one... I don't know. I just don't like it anymore. I can't promise that this journal will be better, by that I mean, that I will feel it better represents the true me. (Although, that is a scary concept to write about online).

[Sceal]

I saw my GP today, I needed her to write a doctor's slip for an application I'm sending in. She was very excited about my application, and we talked a bit about that. She jumped the gun quite quickly and assumed that I will be accepted. I hope she's right. It would mean alot, and it would give me some purpose that belongs to me - not everyone else.
I wasn't quite sure what the doctor's slip needed to say, and I told her so. I couldn't remember what they'd told me needed to be in it, since they'd been quite vague about it. But I told my GP she could confirm my diagnosis atleast, that I got PTSD (That's usually how people talk about it here), and she asked me "It's complex PTSD correct?". And it made me feel so lucky and I thought about all the people in this forum who aren't as fortunate as I am to have both my GP and my psychologist acknowledging that I got cPTSD and that is what they write everytime they need to write about my diagnosis. And it also made me happy, because then there are at least two professionals that recognize that cPTSD is a thing. A thing of it's own. A thing that needs to be acknowledged and recognized. And two more professionals in the world is a start. And I am guessing then too, that the other doctors and therapists they work with may have strong inclinations to agree too.
My GP and my T has never met or talked to each other about me and my case. They don't come from the same circle and works in two different regions of the city.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Sceal]

 

During group today I kept having a mixed up flashback, it was weird. It was like my brain wouldn't accept it happening - so I kept fading out from it, but it kept forcing me to re-watch it and so it went in circles. And the group leader I sit next to trying to get me back into focus. I still couldn't emotionally feel anything. I lost the sensation in most of my body too, but once I could more or less focus on the group leader she took me out of the room and I could tell I was hyperventilating and my arm was shaking. I can't say it was a bad experience, because emotionally I didn't feel anything. It is peculiar to me how my body can have a panic attack trapped in a freeze mode, when I can't emotionally connect with the experience. How does this even make sense? I wouldn't say it was unpleasant having to re-experience my visual flashback of my last r.
It is also starting to bother me this disconnect I have. I don't really experience much in this state. I just exist. I can't quite describe it properly.
I am seeing my T tomorrow, I think we're going to continue talking about dissociation. I'll try to bring up this lack of emotion state with her and how to re-connect.
The group leaders talked to me after group again, they do this on a regular basis. I haven't noticed them doing it with any of the others. Anyway, they said they will try and get this  tool for me next session, one that helps me stay more present. I said I don't have alot of time left in the group, so they shouldn't stress too much on my behalf. To which they both replied that they would love for me to be present during the time I do got left. I told them it's a shame I fade out so much, because I think I've lost a lot of what we're going through. But there are other people in queue waiting for a spot - it's time to let them have it.

But, the rest of the day was good - and taxing! I had been invited to the first BBQ of the year at my friends place. And I drove up to them, the man of the house is home on paternity leave with twins. And I helped out until it was their bedtime. I'm not a big fan of children, but those babies are all smiles and laughter and wants to cuddle and get hugs and play with me. And their parents are so apprechiative of me helping out. And it is nice to feel wanted. It really, really is. It is worth every exhausted moment.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to that body mind disconnect. It happened to me many times before. I'd be crying deeply, but I'd have no horror towards the situation. Just a sense that it's not real, and it's not something out of the ordinary. Weird. I guess to me it makes sense not in the way that we're perfect machines, but as human beings who've endured too much, have ended up this way.

I'm happy to hear you had a great time at a friend's place. Man, BBQ? I love my delicious meat!  Oh, and I bet the people were great too. Haha. But seriously, it's a great thing to be wanted. To be treasured, and to belong in something. Crazy how much of the great things in life are the simplest, huh?

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket The family has named me one of the twins aunties, even if I'm not one by blood. I think it's because I've helped out a bit during daytime when both parents have been on their paternity or maternity leave.
---
TW: R and abuse in a nightmare.
I woke up crying this morning. I had some awful dreams. The first time I woke up was because I dreamt my roomie were moving away, to another country. And it was sad I wasn't going to see him again. I got up and gave him a hug before I went back to bed. When I fell asleep again the dream got worse. I dreamt that I got r in public, and that I tried to fight my way afterwards to get justice and support. But my body was so weak, all strength gave away. My roomie was in this dream too, but he wouldn't listen. And I got angry, and threw stuff at him. Toothpaste and paper and random things in the middle of the mall. But my legs dissapeared under me, the anger was draining me for strength. I was loosing my voice. Until I was just lying in a heap on the floor. That's when some random vicious lady came over to me and was anything but nice, she was quite abusive. This is when I woke up crying. Her words, and my complete lack of strength to do any resistance.

(Edit: removed some of the description. It's relevant for me, but might be too much for others here)
End of TW

I don't do dream analysis, simply because my dreams are almost always vivid, clear and chaotic. They are sometimes disturbing, sometimes just regular crazy dream-world. And I remember most of them when I wake up. It's always been like that. Me waking up crying though, that doesn't happen often. I'm a little worried that once my emotions comes rushing back in, it's sadness that will overshadow everything. Even though it's frustrating as * to not feel much of anything, to be so disconnected, I do not want to be overwhelmed by constant emotions either. I've heard that once I've worked through the trauma I will hopefully and eventually have a more balanced relationship with emotions.
I just have to be patient, do the work, and trust my T and SA center. And... not give up.

I'm not very good at giving up long term. Maybe for a few days, or a week. It's not really giving up either, it's more just taking a break-a breather.  I'm starting to ramble. I intended my posts to be shorter. I'll work on that.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Gentle  to you, your nightmare/night terror sounds horrible.  I hope you feel ok today - and have been able to feel safer in the light of day. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
Thank you! It helped writing it down here, and listening to some music before my session with my T. 

---
Talked about the lack of emotion today. The lack of connection. My T thinks that it is a tool that I had to teach myself once, and perhaps repeatedly used. That removing myself from the emotions was a way to survive when I couldn't otherwise escape. She spent the entire session today trying to convince me that it was a smart tool to have, especially if I in the future are able to control it to flick it on and off when I need to. I understand her logic, her thinking. It took a while, I had some reservations. Some doubts, and they are still there to a lesser degree.
My homework until next week is to try and find out if I can thank myself for having built up this defence mechanism when I needed it. And maybe by acknowledging it and giving myself gratitude it might be the first step to snap out of it.

[Sceal]

Maybe it's a combination of a very long and exhausting week, or because not being in contact with my emotions are exhaustive work even if it's not something I control. And maybe in combination with therapy yesterday..

But I am sad today. That kind of heavy sadness that engulfes my entire body. Fills it out. It's not overwhelming. I'm not crying, I'm not curled up in the bed. It is tolreable, but that doesn't make it any less painful. On a scale from 1-5, I'd put it on a 2 in intensity. But sometimes it isn't about the intensity, it's the fact it's there. And having been without connections to any emotions for over a month this... this is something. I don't know if I like the fact it's here today. I can already sense my mind working hard to overwrite this.

Maybe it's here today, because I decided that today was for me. I don't have any appointments. I don't have any social engagements. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to put on a mask. I can rest. Maybe that's why.

And maybe, it doesn't matter why, it's okay that it just is.

[Sceal]

I've never told anyone this, but quite often I daydream about being somewhere silent with someone I trust (I don't know who this person is), where I'm just crying, weeping, sobbing, shaking, wailing  - okay, maybe not wailing. And this someone is just there with me, for me. Not trying to make it better, not saying things like "it'll get better". Just... helping me acknowledging the grief, the anger, the sadness, the fear, everything we have to keep carry on inside of us all the time. It's a sad daydream. It's not about winning loads of money and travelling the world, or buying my own home. Or about finding true love. Or getting an amazing career. It's not a positive daydream - but it's one about connection and allowing myself to acknowledge all the horrible things that were done to me, that were taken from me. To acknowledge that it was infact wrong, an injustice, a voilation.

I don't see how this is ever going to be possible. But sometimes I just have a smaller daydream. That someone will just hold my hand when I need it. Just hold my hand and caress it, and just sit with me. Imagining it happening doesn't help, I need the physical touch. I long for it. Yet, I don't know how to ask for it.

[DecimalRocket]

Sure, I'll sit with you now, Sceal. I'm not physically present with you, but I hope I can at least help create that image for you, alright?

[sanmagic7]

virtually holding your hand, sweetie.  just letting you be you.

i actually saw it as very positive, something that would help you, benefit you, to get that kind of acceptance, support, caring, comforting, soothing - very positive.  you haven't had it, so it seems to me to be exactly what you'd need to continue on.  i do hope you find it soon.

horrible nightmare to go thru.  sending earth mother spirit to wrap and embrace you in her voluminous skirts, holding you, allowing your tears, emotions, feelings, thoughts, all of it, to run out of you till they're no long a bother.  love and a big hug, sceal.

[Sceal]

Thank you both.
Unfortunately this is a thing that I am unable to ask for. Both because it would mean I would put a demand or expectation on someone, as well as I don't have anyone to ask this of in my life.

[Sceal]

Had a night with poor sleep. Restless dreams, waking up a few times and feeling sore and worn out when I finally got up. Spent the day with the twins again. They got a cold and a fever, hopefully my immune system won't be compromised.

I am exhausted.

The silence at home is nice. I'm home alone. No music, no traffic, no-one visiting the landlord. Just quiet.

I have questions I need to think about and write down before Tuesday. I go to the hospital then for a full day with information gathering for the future surgery. I haven't prepared any. It makes me shameful to think about it all. But I need to do it. I am just so exhausted.

[sanmagic7]

it's no wonder you're exhausted - your mind has been doing loop-de-loops for a few nights.  that's always tiring.

i hope you will soon be able to drop that shame off in the nearest garbage disposal. 

be gentle with yourself, ok?  love and a gentle, caring hug.