Sceal's new journal

Started by Sceal, April 17, 2018, 03:41:21 PM

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Sceal

 :hug: Thank you Blueberry.

I'm trying to write a letter. Either to my T or to my SA lady. There is so much I want to have off my chest.. but I feel unable to know where to start.
The words are failing me in this regard, they always have.
And it feels like a letter doesn't help anymore, because we never have time to delve into them.

sanmagic7

my dear sweet sceal,

sorry to come to this party so late.  i've been self-absorbed the past few days, but it feels good to be here with you again.

you know, the whole hopeless idea of time passing you by, and you wasting it because you haven't done all that you've wanted to - well, one thing i always told my d's was never to let your gender nor your age stop you from going after what you want.  may i offer that to you as well.

my d has berated herself for taking so long to pursue her dream of moving here.  it took her 15 yrs.  however, in spite of everything she's gone thru, all the battles she's waged, she did, indeed, finally make it.  my personal dream had been to move to mexico and live there.  it took me 30 yrs. to realize that one.  another big dream of mine was to get professionally published.  that happened when i was 60.

the thing about dreams is that we really never know.  wrestling the c-ptsd beast often sets us back on our heels for years, and can make us believe that it's too late to start.   possibly for some things, but not necessarily for all of them.  you've been waging a battle for your sanity and self that takes time, work, energy, perseverance, determination - all the stuff needed to make dreams come true.

you've got all you need - it was just needed for something else for a bit.  that doesn't mean forever or that things won't change.  it can seem that way, but it ain't necessarily so.  you've got what it takes to pursue at least some of your dreams when you're ready.  other things have gotten in the way and caused your readiness to be put on hold.  but i don't see it as a forever thing.

i do believe, sceal, that the time will come when you are finally ready to go after at least some of those dreams.  please, be patient with yourself.  you are working so hard on your health and well-being right now, which is basically paving the way for you to be healed enough in order to eventually follow up on your dreams.

it many not be all of them - one of my dreams was to see the sistine chapel, and i doubt at this stage of the game that i'll make it there, altho, who knows?  stranger things have happened, one of them just a few weeks ago.  still, our dreams are precious and deserving of being kept alive.  i sincerely hope you can.  standing right beside you on this one, sweetie.  love and hugs filled with dream futures.

Sceal

Dear San, we all need time to take care of ourselves. You included.  :hug:
I hope you're right, in  the fact that I got plenty more time to figure out my dreams and accomplish them. I just hope they wont cost me too much.

I hope you get to see the sistine chapel. Rome is a sight all on it's own.
---

I had planned to go for a hike today, but when I woke up my body was heavy and I had to drag it out. I'm quite surprised I actually did go out in the end. The hike itself was beautiful, I kept telling myself "I can always turn around if it sucks", instead I went further than I have on any of my hikes this year. Maybe I'm getting to be the same shape I was a year ago. I hope so, because then it'll be easier to continue. It was warm, I was sweaty. My legs were trembling.  I wish I dared show you a picture of the hike, but I don't.
I felt the dark mood lift a little as I was listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing the leaves around. I slowed down and walked calmly, I tried to avoid rushing ahead and pushing too hard. And stopped occationally to check in with the body - I couldn't find anything though except for a brief moment I realized my chest was constricting me, but it was a fleeting moment of connection. I tried.

Now that I'm back down I've got the motherload of a headache. Maybe some tensions were challenged during my walk and my body is now in some kind of battle with something. I don't know.

Tomorrow I got a meeting with my SA lady. I'm both looking forward to it, and not. We're going to talk about The Group that belonged to J and E. The Group I was apart of. So that we can slowly, slowly and carefully start approaching the abuse and SA that happened. I just don't know what to say. I hope she can help me by asking questions so it'll be easier for me to navigate my brain.

Sceal

Went to the gym today, I wasn't feeling up to it. I did my dynamic warmup, and a few legs and minimal arm workouts, and then I just had to leave. There was relatively few people at the gym - which was nice. But I unfortunatedly saw myself in the mirror - and I felt disgusting and just had to leave.

(TW)
The SA center which I had an appointment with were closed for the day (except for the appointments), so thus I couldn't spend 2 hours decompressing there. So I walked around and came back later. The appointment was... devestating.
I couldn't stop the tears from coming, eventhough I tried so hard. I really tried. But they just rolled down my face like there was no end. They stopped at the end when I had to leave, but before I got out the door they came flowing down again.
We touched upon the first time J had his way with me, and I can't recall if I gave concent or not. But I was so drunk, I was wasted and he had fed me alchohol all evening. I had barely had any sleep the nights before and a high actvity level and not alot of food - that combined with me not used to drinking tends to equate to me being wasted. I thought I was safe there, so I let myself drink. I wasn't safe. The memories are hazy. I remember bits here and there. I don't like remembering. I wish I could just store it in a safe at the bottom of the lake deep inside of me and never let any of them see the light of day, but that's now how it works - with getting better. Overcoming stuff.

The sadness and difficult conversations continues next week. Not sure I truly want this. I don't want to go down and sad again, not now. I need my strength to get my body in shape.
[TW End]

sanmagic7

sceal, i give you so much credit for what you're doing.  all of it.   your hikes, loving being out in nature (i was totally there with you when you mentioned the birds and leaves - some of my favorite sounds), your gym time, and the guts it took to begin the work on recovering from what happened.

those tears must have been full of poison, and i'm so glad you got them out.  so very glad you could let them show themselves.  they are the beginning of cleansing your body and soul of the awfulness of what happened to you.

the idea of giving consent is only valid if you are in a right mind to do so.  being wasted on alc. is not in such a mind, does not allow your mind to give full, voluntary consent.   your mind was distorted and altered by a drug, so it wasn't able to think clearly.    therefore, you were not able to give voluntary consent even if you said the word 'yes'.

with such conditions and a brain full of alc., you may never fully remember.  you don't even need to try.  what you do remember is enough - you know what happened.  you were taken advantage of.   the least thing we can expect from people is not to harm us, especially if, for whatever reason,  we don't have full power over our faculties.   

j is a coward, someone who bludgeoned his 'power' over someone else who was not thinking correctly at the time. a pox on cowards such as these!  there was a court case not too long ago with college guys who raped a girl outside a party.  the idea that she was drunk is why the judge called it rape and held them accountable for their actions.

the father of one of the boys tried to brush it off cuz they'd been drinking 'boys will be boys, and how dare you ruin my son's life (jail time) over something like this?'  basically, the father was told to go fly a kite.  look at how that girl's life was ruined.

your tears are warranted, sceal.  something precious was stolen from you. 

once again, i love your body.  this is part of what it's been holding for you, how it's been taking care of you all these years.  i give you so much credit for even looking at such a painful, horrible incident in your life.  sending much love and hugs to you, sweetie.   that's what you've always deserved, not the horrors of what you went thru. 

Sceal

I'm not sure if I felt any of the poison getting out through my tears this time, San. I cry so rarely, I find myself unable to allow myself too.

It means something to me, to hear you say that it wasn't okay. That I wasn't in any condition to give consent. A part of me strongly believe this too, but another part is telling me I am at fault, I should have seen the warning signs, I should have stepped back. There were signs that things were going off in the wrong directions. I realize now that those signs was him testing me, and my ability to say no and demand my no.

The last few days since the talk with my SA-support lady I've been left in an EF. I've struggled quite alot emotionally. I've tried to keep a brave face up, and in some instances I've been able to do so. But not in all. I've spent alot of hours at the SA center since the talk. I spent the majority of my day there today. I had to text my support lady and ask if it was okay that I come by, despite having a bad day. She said I was more than welcome. When I arrived, she talked with me for a bit and asked why I had asked if it was okay - I told her I felt like such a heavy burden on everyone. And I do.
I feel like I am the pebble in the shoe, the persistant headache, the motion-sickness. Putting too many demands around, and not being able to stick up for myself. She said I wasn't, Blueberry too. And another friend as well, but I can't shake the feeling.

Not seeing my T until Tuesday, that'll be 14 days since last time. I feel I should tell her alot, and yet - I don't have the words. It hurts finding the words

sanmagic7

sceal, if he was testing you, he was testing someone incapacitated to make a knowledgeable response.  predators look for the vulnerable, and, being drunk, you were in a vulnerable state.  anyone who takes advantage of that belongs on the lowest part of the food chain, to my mind.  your thinking capabilities were compromised because of the alcohol.   how could you possibly determine which 'signs' meant what?   no 'shoulds' belong here.   you have the right to not be taken advantage of no matter what.

that's like people who take advantage of those who are too young to make adult decisions, or those who are in any way mentally challenged.   it's wrong, they're wrong for doing it.   no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

so very sorry you're going thru so much suffering right now.  i wish i could just wrap my arms around you, embrace you, surround you with love.  i'm glad you're getting support from the sa people.  this is terrible stuff to have to go thru.

as far as i'm concerned, and i don't doubt others feel the same way, you're no burden.  right now you are experiencing terrible memories, and you are in need of caring and comfort and compassion.  there are many of us who look at it that way, and as we try to lift you up we find you're as light as a feather.   no burden at all.

as far as telling your t and finding words,  the words will come.  maybe you can write down some key thoughts to take in with you.  maybe you can just free associate, let whatever words come to the surface of your mind continue to come out of your mouth.  they'll end up making just the right amount of sense, and your t can take the cue from them and help you explore the dynamics and meanings behind them.

my dearest sceal, i'm sending love and a hug filled with calm and inner peace to you.  i hope you are relieved from your ef soon as possible.  you are so courageous.

Sceal

This is long, and I'm sorry for that. I don't expect anyone to read through all of this.

I need someone to listen to me, I need to dare to speak. But I don't.
I find my mouth shut, sewn shut or glued shut. I can't find the words because my brain go blank, or the words hold no meaning to me. I feel disconnected from myself, from the people around me.

And everytime I try to explain this, try to put words to this sensation - I feel even more alone, because the people draw assumptions based on their own experiences - and they are more interessted in talking about how they feel than to try and understand me, or help me understand myself. I understand that the people in my life hasn't chosen to be with me to try and understand me. But rather I present something that fascinates them - quite what that is, I am not sure.

I've had a glass of wine, and a shot of baileys, to try and break down my own wall a little. I don't drink often, for I can get very dark, very fast when I do - especially when I drink alone. But tonight, it seems this was enough for me to be able to write alittle here, and also feel the heavyness within me. I feel the tears wanting to push forward and run down my cheeks, but there's that blockade again. The one that wont give me room to breathe, to allow. My therapist I assume would say that this is a survival technique that I used in order to survive in the past. And I believe she's right. And I'm fairly certain when I used them to. I used them when I was being bullied from the age of 6 to 17. And while being in my abusive relationship from the age of 16 (or was I actually 15?) until I was 20/21. I stopped crying for so many years, because all it brought on me was misery and an intense headache I couldn't get rid of. So I pushed them aside, and I refused the body to grieve.

I haven't been able to grieve since. I was terrified when my F was stuck in a terrorism attack and I didn't know if he'd ever come back alive. But I didn't cry. I was sad when my grandmother died, but I never had the ability to grieve her. I often see her in the malls or on the street. Short, crooked thin ladies with powder white hair wobbling slowly along. And the other day I felt her hand in mine. I know it was hers, yet quite how I know it was she - I don't know. I miss her. There was so much more I wanted to talk to her about. There was so much more about her life I should have asked and paid interest in.

I wish I could grieve for the younger me. All of them. But I can't, because I fundamentally believe that I do not deserve better. I try to challenge this line of thinking - I really do. I've tried to change the line of thinking since I was a teenager, but I'm not able to.



@San,
(TW - I'm sorry if this is too much. There's no explisit details)
Looking back, I believe he was testing me. He took me away from the rest of the group and into the forest to talk. I said yes, because I had no reason to sense any threats from him. He is married, with kids. He got uncomfortable close, and I have a vague memory of feeling like it was inappropriate and that I felt uncertain - but I never at any point thought he was going to do anything untoward. He knew vaguely of my past. I know he knew, and I'm fairly certain he knew that I knew that he knew.  He got a phonecall from his wife asking him where he was and we returned. After that he poured me drinks after drinks after drinks. Even when I said I'd had enough, he guilted me into drinking more. He made me sit on his lap, infront of everyone and infront of his wife. I said no, he should have his wife on his lap. And I him and his wife that, but he said no, I should. His wife already had a seat.  It was strange, but we were drunk. I was drunk - and about to get more wasted.  I'm not going to describe the rest of the night, because from this point on it's black mixed with a few glimpses here and there, and none of them good.

I wish I could say these worlds out loud, use my voice to say them out loud in the light of day. To take away the shame. Someone said today that for her the shame and guilt that came after being repeatedly SA, R and physically abused were secondary sideeffects. To her it had to do with loyalty. They put her in an impossible situation afterwards, because society says you should be kind, and don't raise your voice and not make a fuss. And always help out others when they ask for it. So she was forced not to talk about it, not to voice her pain, so they made her loyal to them to their betrayal, making it impossible for her to talk about it. Used the value of loyalty against her. I'm not able to explain it properly, but some of what she said felt true - it's not the whole picture for me. Not at this stage anyway. But I am loyal, because I don't talk about it. I never went to the police, I never spoke out loud about it. about any of them. Which makes the shame double, shameful for allowing it to happen, shameful of my weaknes, and shameful i cannot do anything about it, shameful I didn't get justice for myself - or even dared to seek it out - which again just proves I'm weak.

About the lacking in words, I remember I once realized that the reason I might not be able to talk is because an EP is taking over. It's preventing me to talk, because it's too threatening to talk.
What if they don't believe me? What if they think I'm lying? How could someone looking like me, ever be r*, so why on earth should they believe me? I'm disgusting. What if they do something about it? What if they confront J or S or S or J? (that's 4 differen't people, I never realized that they all started with the same letter...) What if I open this pandora's box, and things will just get worse and worse and worse, and I'll never be able to see the light of day again?
What if I deserved it?
What if.... what if it truly, really, honestly, was my fault?

The risk is too high.

Deep Blue

Sceal,
I'm just going to pop in here and tell you some things.
1. I believe you
2. It wasn't your fault, but it's ok if you don't see it yet
3. No one deserves it.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Sceal

Thank you Deep Blue, I shed a few tears reading your reply right before I fell asleep last night.

Today my body is heavy, stiff. Rigid. Inparticular my pelvic and my hips, legs. I remember someone saying that if you have pains in your outer hip then it's a signal that you have trouble with your mother.
I've understood that my body is sending signals to me when there's some emotion active. What I haven't understood however is that my body is signalling me even when I am not under influence of "emotional attack" that I am not in touch with. Like my pelvic is lightly stiff, rigid and in pain right now due to the conversation I had at the SA centre, and also what I've revealed here.

I need to do some hard work, and likely work that I don't actually want to do - such as re-reading my journal (the one here, and the physical ones). That always tends to make me cringe, and activate my IC enormously. But perhaps I need to do this in order to actually be able to move forward? Maybe? Maybe I'm just re-traumatizing myself, or using it as an obscure form of emotional SI. I can't tell.

sanmagic7

my dearest sweet sceal,

that made total sense to me, what you said about the loyalty thing, keeping quiet about what's happened, being afraid of what might happen if you speak up.  i went thru a lot of that myself, especially around hub #2's sexual addictions and how they played out in my family.

stuff that he'd told me he'd done as a child, stuff he'd done as an adult, i kept it all for him for years and years.  even as i was neg. impacted, i kept it for him.  it wasn't until it affected my daughters that i began speaking up.  but, there it is.  for my d's i could begin opening up, but for myself, no. 

it took me a long time to be able to speak the truth for myself.  the beginning of it was thru here, this forum.  being able to find a virtual voice was my first step.  since then, i've been able to speak about him, what he was about, to people in real life.  there was still a twinge there to hold back, but it wasn't nearly what it used to be, and i was able to speak thru it finally.

i think that being able to write some of this down here, share it with us here, see it in black and white is a big first step for you, sceal, one that will strengthen you.  re-reading, hopefully, will be something that you'll not only be able to tolerate (it is the truth, your truth, after all) but will continue to strengthen you.  then, eventually, the stitches will come undone, or the glue will be dissolved, and your lips will find a way to form the words, finally.

and you will know that the shame belongs with him, not with you.  not for what you did or didn't do.  the shame for all of it belongs with him (and maybe even his wife - that whole scenario with her included sounds like complicity or apathy on her part, like she allowed it to happen.  it doesn't sit right with me at all) but none of it belongs with you. 

i echo what deep blue said.  as far as reporting to the police, well, when we're traumatized, we often don't have the energy, motivation, or strength to do something like reporting.  (it took me 8 yrs. after the fact to report my narc t, even tho i'd told friends about it and they'd encouraged me to report way sooner - i was terrified to do so).  but, my terror was part and parcel of the trauma, as were any and all of your emotions following what you went thru.

thank you for sharing this, sweetie.  very courageous, very brave, very strong of you.  don't discount this.  it is a big step to do this,  one that is leading you to be able to speak it aloud.  the time will come, of that i have no doubt.   you're getting there.   sending you much love and gentle hugs filled with strength and courage to continue on to where you need to go.

Sceal

Hi San,
I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through the abuse of sense of loyalty too. *big hug to you* You've had to deal with ALOT of * from him. Abusive, ugly stuff. And I'm so glad that you found your way out of there.

I don't think any of my abusers and their helpers are capable of feeling shame for what they did to me. I fear that they don't realize they've ruined someone elses life, that they simply don't care.

I went tenting again this week-end. Someplace new, although I've been there plenty of times for day hikes during the autumn. It was nice, but I was so disconnected with myself. I couldn't sit down and feel things, or apprechiate things fully. It was just another one of those things I do. And that fills me with sadness today. I don't want my camping to be another one of those things I do, people expect of me. I want it to belong to ME. It's hard to explain the difference, because no one has ever told me I need to go camping.

Therapy was hard today. I was nervous before I went in, although I didn't have any particular reason to be nervous. I haven't seen her for two weeks, and we were going through my week-chart where I put down emotions, SI-tendencies, triggers and scale of awareness. And she asked me about them, which is fair. But then she started asking so many questions and I started shutting down. Losing my voice, and my ability to move my bodyparts except for my hands that were fiddling restlessly. We did some mindfulness to bring be back, but then she asked about more stuff and I had a meltdown. A very unexpected one. My arm started shaking, vibrating voilently. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't move my other arm, so my nails kept digging into my other hand so much that I now got a minor burn abraison. I was crying, and panicking, and having flashbacks back and forth and I apparently yelled out that I don't like being held down.
My T was very gentle with me, prompting me to feel my arm, sense the sensation. And trying to let me allow myself to let go of my body and allow it to do the motions it clearly needed to do. She said afterwards once I'd calmed down and once she'd managed to make me push a pillow against her several times (somehow pushing away that pillow made my arm relax), she told me my body is holding on to so many memories so deeply.

I feel raw, hurt, sad, and so very vulnerable.
I want company, yet at the same time I can't bear anyone touching me in any kind of way right now. Even the thought of being touched is making me spin.
I don't want to explain or defend.
I just want to sleep it away I guess.
But I can't. I have a summer -party to go to. And art that needs to be sorted for an interview next week.

Hope67

Hi Sceal,
I think you have been through a lot in your therapy session today - and I wanted to say I admire how you've coped - it must have been hard to go through that, but it's good to hear that your therapist was helpful - and I hope that you will be able to do the things you want to do today - as I know you have a lot of things - the Summer Party and the interview you're preparing for.  Wishing you strength to do the things you want and need to do, Sceal. 

Hope  :)

Deep Blue

Sceal,
I echo what Hope said.  I also admire how you coped with your session.  Don't put pressure on yourself about camping.  Our "thing" is allowed to change as we get older.  It can change with the seasons or day by day. 

In the fall I get into pumpkin sculpting, baking in winter, and running in the summer.  Be gentle with yourself sweetie.

Much love
- Deep Blue

Sceal

#119
Dear Hope,
It was hard, but I think also cleansing in a way. Perhaps. I'm not sure yet. It felt scary to freak out over something I didn't know was freaking me out. Thanking for wishing strength for me. I needed it.

Dear Deep Blue,
Thank you. I just got back into camping, that's why it hurts when I realize that sometimes I do it to please others. To be "active and not a lazy, crazy mental person without a job" - I think that's where the people pleasing constantly comes in these days.
I love how you change your hobbies by season. That's an interessting aspect to it. I'm thinking of sculpting in clay once the weather goes bad too.
Warm thoughts to you both.

---
I went to the summer party, it was so-so. I was anxious and didn't know what to do with myself. And people didn't really talk to me, and I didn't reach out either. I was too busy freaking out to have a straight line of thought in my head to even think about the most normal question "how are you today?". Or "Hi, I'm .... - I don't think we've met".  It got easier during the evening.
My SA-lady checked up on me, asked how I was doing. I said it was getting better - had a hard day with my T. She said she could tell.
I'm not good at hiding that stuff. I tend to just hide me entirely then. But she said she was happy I came along.