Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Thank you San. Your words are warm and meaningful to hear. 

---
I'm not doing so well. I can't really mobilize my body so well. Its Heavier than usual, and That is heavy enough.  I feel empty. Black. Weak. I drag people down and I spread my toxic negative energy once I step into a room. I can't stop it.

I am guessing that I am far below my tolerance window. And I don't know how to get back up again. I tried tossing a ball or moving the body. I've tried to socialize, I've tried showering, relaxing, I've been to the movies and to the theatre. I've been drinking hot chocolate and tea. I've worked out. I've tried avoiding SI, then I tried SI. I tried figuring out why I am this way. I tried talking about other things. And that helps, for a short time while it lasts.

It feels hopeless.

[Sceal]

For what more can I do?

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can let me be your friend, let you know you're not alone, that i'm standing with you while you go thru this trying time.  these lows can absolutely feel hopeless, but i truly believe this, too, shall pass.  just hang on tight till it does, ok?  i'm here with you, we're all here with you even if every one of us can't actually respond.  sending much love, acceptance, caring, and compassion to you, sweetie.     

[Deep Blue]

 

Me too Sceal. I care about you.  We are with you. 

[Sceal]

Of course I can let you be my friend, San. That's not difficult at all, you're such a sweet and loving person.

Thank you both, Deep Blue and San for standing with me. 

[Sceal]

I had my last therapy session on last wednesday, and today is the first day I feel more like me again.
Tomorrow I have a "therapy" session with my SA-support lady and on Tuesday my therapy with my T again. I know it's a little defeatist attitude, but I am already not looking forward to the coming week - because of the rammifications that keep happening outside and after therapy.
My SA-Support lady will go on holiday after next week, which will leave me a little vulnerable. And I am guessing my T will soon go on hers too.
Which in a way I'm both dreading and also looking forward to. I'm dreading them being away because I don't have a support system outside of them. And I'm looking forward to it because I get a break from being prodded at mentally.

I have a mental image that the trauma is a pus-filled wound, and in order to actually get to the proper healthy healing the pus needs to come out. it needs to be forced out, pushed and squeezed out of the wound. And that my therapy right now is more like gently prodding and poking the tender, painful wound rather than getting rid of the pus. Although, I do hope this processs is something I can look back on and say "it wasn't prodding and poking, it was carfully squeezing the pus out - it just takes a long time".  But I put the blame on me, because everytime we get close I clam up. I can't do it. I shut down.

I can't brave the wilderness. I'm not brave enough to open up to the vulnerablity. Not completely. I open the door, or the window a crack. Enough to get air to the flame but not enough to make it into a fire. And I wish I could. I wish I could push open that door, force it open. Ignore my emotions in the moment, let the tears fall, let the body shake and vibrate and lose all sense of balance, as long as the words just come out. But they don't. My languange center shuts down.

I was watching the TV-series 13 reasons why (My friend questioned if I should be watching those kinds of shows, I said no- I shouldn't. But since when do humans always do what's good and healthy for them? ). And there is a character in that show in the second season who says she wants to be the narrator to her story. She controls her story, what happened to her does not control her future. (It turns out she hasn't dealt with her stuff - but that's besides the point). I want to get there, where I feel I control the narrative that is MY story.

Loads of ramblings and thoughts and metaphors today.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i see every bit of these 'ramblings' lately as you getting closer and closer to where you want to be re: being the narrator of your own story.  that goal is realistic, it's on its way, and you're getting nearer and nearer to it.  the fact that you could describe what it would physically be like when you begin forcing the pus out says so much to me.   in time, i'm betting, you'll also be able to begin describing what it would be like emotionally to do that.

you're getting there, sweetie.  you really are.  i don't doubt that eventually the day will come when you feel strong enough to open that door wide enough, raise that window high enough to just let the pus flow out of you into the universe, which will take care of it for you.  i'm so happy to see this progress, even if you can't see it. 

this is tough stuff, and you're much closer than you were 6 mos. ago.  standing with you, giving you a nudge when you want it, or just being there for you when you need to be still for a bit.  it's all good, honey.   love and a warm, caring hug full of strength and energy.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I'm standing with you too.  I think it was Milne that said,  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You are doing a great job.  We can be here to support you while they are on holiday too.   
Much love and strength to you 

[Sceal]

My SA-support lady cornered me yesterday. We were talking about the future and I said I no longer am able to "see" the future. I don't know what I want for myself, I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to dream about it anymore or work towards those dreams. It's all just black. There's nothing, and I can't reach it. So I find it incredible difficult to make choices now that will affect my future, because I can't decide where or what would be good for me long term.
And the last few years I've had to accept that I'm unable to work for now, and likely I will never be able to work full time. This is something I've discussed earlier, but my SA-support lady disagrees with me. She believes I one day will be strong enough to work full time, she says she sees so much potential in me and so much resources - these two concepts aren't new to me. I've heard them from various other people before, but despite my apparently resources and potential I am still not able to utilize them so that I work. I suppose it is in a way comforting that someone in my real life actually believes in me. I don't fully believe her, but it is still a nice sentiment. Yet it is causing me some distress. Mainly because I've been grieving and stressing about accepting that I wont ever reach that state, and now she comes and says this with such conviction it increases my internal stress center again. Because I was working on adjusting to accept a realistic outcome for my life, but now she's trying to spark a hope in me. And such a hope is so dangerous, because if it doesn't come to fruit then... the hurt will be so much greater, the grief will be too much too heavy for me to bear.

But she also asked me a hard question: What is it that makes me think that I wont ever recover fully? - Is it because I don't want to be held accountable for my own actions? - It sounds incredible harsh to ask such a question, and it was. But it was in an absolutely no judging tone of voice or atmosphere. She's had this conversation with alot of other victims of SA, I and R. So she asked based on her own experience, not her judgement. I feel that I do hold myself accountable for the actions I've taken and take everyday. I am quite avoidant and I do avoid too much in my life, but it is a thing that I am working on - and it will take time to resolve. But I believe I am holding myself accountable when I am working on improving something that is harmful. But it is a good question, why did I lose my hope that I will ever fully recover? What made me lose hope? And without hope, then why am I then doing therapy - why am I then going to conversations with her?
I go because I want to improve, I want to be better. I just don't believe I'll heal. But why not?
I don't know yet.

---

In my session today I was shaking, I was avoiding looking at my T, my voice was barely audible, I was sweating. And I'm fairly certain I was rocking back and forth. She read my letter and she made a sad sound and said "this is grusome" and "That must have been so incredible scary for you" while she read the letter. At the beginning of the letter I told her I was worried about her reaction, I was worried about what she'd think - if my recollection in this particular letter wasn't serious enough despite it's causing me pain, and that I'm worried I'm overreacting and are basically just an puny, weak human being. She tried to tell me she doesn't think of me as weak. But she also said she understands that I am not capable right now of believing her words on this matter - but it's still nice to hear. It is, even if I don't believe her. I lost my voice after that, and she decided to read the letter aloud because I was unable to. That brought me heaps and heaps of shame. And slowly she made me use every strength I had to work against shame.
- Keep eye contact
- Keep head high
- Sit straight (or the equivalent of "standing tall" while sitting down)
- Relaxed shoulders and unfolded arms.

It took every bit of strength I had today to do this. And the shame started to lessen, and increase and lessen and increase. But it did lessen at points. And when the shame was lessened the primary emotion was allowed space - my sadness and grief and my fear. Not anxiety, but fear ( I feel there's a distinction). And the tears came, quietly and slowly. But they came. When the shame increased my tears vanished. She would stop up every so often while she was reading my letter aloud and talk to me, check in with me. Asking me if I were present. At a point I got so overwhelmed she had to skip part of the letter because it got too much for me. Then she had me practice talking to a pillow. I had to say "It's enough now. Go away" over and over and over again, until I was able to say it with more and more conviction in my voice. It was directed towards a man nearly twice my age for something he did to me. It was awkward, difficult, hard, embarrasing, shameful and overwhelming. Eventually she'd let me sit back down again. But at this point I started dissociating too much and she had me toss a spiky fysiotherapy ball back and forth with her to drag me back to the present.

At the very end she kept telling me that I've worked insanely hard today and that she was grateful that I am letting her help me through this. That she really wants to help me get better. And that she does not think me weak at all, she saw how much it cost me to work with her today. She asked me what I'd worked on today, and I couldn't quite answer her very well. So she told me instead. She told me I've worked on not avoiding. I continued our topic from previous session rather than avoiding it and not be prepared. I worked on not avoiding my emotions. I worked on my shame, I worked on my fear, I worked on setting boundaries, I worked on being present and not falling into a full dissociative state, I worked on recognizing my emotions, I worked on daring to brave the wilderness (she didn't say the last part - but it's what she meant).

When I left I felt perhaps a little lighter? Instead of mulling it over and going home to process I rushed over to a bakery bought some savoury buns and over to my friends house to be distracted by the twins so I could avoid my emotions and reactions.

When I finally got home I ended up making a mess. I'm dragging out all sorts of boxes from storage and going through them and throwing out trash. Old stuff that's mouldy or just not needed. But most of all that makes me feel good is that I managed to find some patterns and fabric and "dummies" for the "uniform" of the Toxic (and containing some abusive members) group I was part of that I left "recently" (2ish years ago? timeline is hard for me) and I threw it in the trash. It felt good to get it out of the house. Almost like it's been lying around secretly polluting the place.


This was a very long post, and if you got to the end of this:  that means alot. Although I wrote this down mainly for my own realization and contemplation and processing, it means alot if you read all of this. I know it's long.

[Sceal]

sceal, i see every bit of these 'ramblings' lately as you getting closer and closer to where you want to be re: being the narrator of your own story.  that goal is realistic, it's on its way, and you're getting nearer and nearer to it.  the fact that you could describe what it would physically be like when you begin forcing the pus out says so much to me.   in time, i'm betting, you'll also be able to begin describing what it would be like emotionally to do that.

you're getting there, sweetie.  you really are.  i don't doubt that eventually the day will come when you feel strong enough to open that door wide enough, raise that window high enough to just let the pus flow out of you into the universe, which will take care of it for you.  i'm so happy to see this progress, even if you can't see it. 

this is tough stuff, and you're much closer than you were 6 mos. ago.  standing with you, giving you a nudge when you want it, or just being there for you when you need to be still for a bit.  it's all good, honey.   love and a warm, caring hug full of strength and energy.

It's not the first time you've told me I'm making progress. I wish I saw it through your eyes. Because for me, it really doesn't feel like it. To me it more feels like the mountain before me is really just a gigantic ice-berg beneath the surface that will be impossible to overcome.  And some days it's good to hear you think I'm making progress, and somedays it's frustrating because my reality doesn't match up. But despite that I thank you dearly for being here for me.  I don't quite know how to put it in words, how much it means for me that you keep being there. Despite you going through your own mess with the conflicts at home and the scary move on the brink.

Sceal,
I'm standing with you too.  I think it was Milne that said,  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You are doing a great job.  We can be here to support you while they are on holiday too.   
Much love and strength to you 

Thank you so much, Deep Blue. Milne's words are quite nice - and I hope they one day prove to be true for all of us. That we see it ourselves I mean.
Thank you for being so supportive of me, I don't know why I deserve it, but thank you deeply. I hope I one day can be as supportive to you as you have been for me.  I think of you daily, and send you warm thoughts. I want you to know that.

[Blueberry]

I read your whole post. According to your T, you're making tons of progress  and you worked really hard today too I think it's great when a T takes time to tell us that kind of thing when we can't see it for ourselves.

fwiw, I've been told a few times that when I feel 'all at sea', have no idea what I want or where i'm going that I'm on the brink of a new realisation. Something's healing, something else is coming up, maybe old convictions are being laid to rest. It has worked out that way too. Seems there's something in it.

"She believes I one day will be strong enough to work full time, she says she sees so much potential in me and so much resources - these two concepts aren't new to me. I've heard them from various other people before, but despite my apparently resources and potential I am still not able to utilize them so that I work. I suppose it is in a way comforting that someone in my real life actually believes in me. I don't fully believe her, but it is still a nice sentiment. Yet it is causing me some distress. Mainly because I've been grieving and stressing about accepting that I wont ever reach that state, and now she comes and says this with such conviction it increases my internal stress center again. Because I was working on adjusting to accept a realistic outcome for my life, but now she's trying to spark a hope in me. And such a hope is so dangerous, because if it doesn't come to fruit then... the hurt will be so much greater, the grief will be too much too heavy for me to bear."

It's nice when people see so much good in me and resources and strenght and all that, but I haven't had good experiences with therapists and other people who have consistently seen and insisted on a different outcome for me based on what they see as opposed to what I feel. It always felt to me as if I was not being taken seriously again (just like in FOO), as if I was having to prove how I felt and why I had come to that conclusion (just like in FOO). I don't know if it feels similar for you, that might just be my take on it because of my past.

Even if you and I and others can't use our resources and strength to work / work enough to fully support ourselves, we can use those resources and strength for other meaningful things e.g. own recovery, friendships, children (those twins), posting on here and supporting others, and even just feeling happy from time to time  - a difficult example for me. In your case also art. My and your time and effort spent in therapy isn't a waste or anything like that. 

[sanmagic7]

my dearest sweet sceal, you don't have to feel or believe anything i tell you.  you may not be ready yet, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.  i put it out there, tho, because it's truly how i'm seeing you, and it's also pos. vibes that i want to send your way.  i think that the more pos. vibes we have around us, the easier and sooner they can have a pos. effect on us.  it's what you give me, in case you didn't realize it, and it's helped tremendously.  i'm just returning the favor.

congrats on getting rid of that old toxic stuff.  see, i view that as another step in progress.  sometimes we hang onto stuff and we don't know why, but we do know when it's time to get rid of it and move on.  that's exactly what it sounds like to me here.  you are letting go of junk from your past that's just not necessary for you to keep any more. to me, that's progress.

it may not seem like a big leap and bound that you're looking for, but i know that many times i've had to be seen thru the eyes of others as far as what i've accomplished before i could see it with my own eyes.  and, what you went thru with your sa lady, well, that's tremendous.  i'm glad she was able to point out all that you were able to do that is so very important for healing.  you're doing it, sweetie.  you really are.

i was at a point not too many years ago where i was convinced that i was basically housebound, accepted myself as such, and had no vision for doing anything else with my future.  i felt i was dying, and i accepted that, too.  as miserable as i felt, i made the trip from mexico to visit my d for xmas.  i believed within me that i would not make it to another xmas, and i wanted to spend that holiday with her (i hadn't celebrated xmas with her for 15 yrs, so this seemed really important.)

she and her roomies were close to having no xmas. she had no gifts under their tiny little tree. they had gotten gifts from their parents, so those boxes were present.  it almost broke my heart that they weren't giving her anything, and she's always made sure to go out of her way to get them stuff for celebration days.  i was not going to let this happen to her.

luckily, i'd saved money to take her shopping, got gifts for everyone, paper, bows, the whole kit and kaboodle.  i was also bathed in acceptance and kindness in their household.  my spirits were lifted, i was seeing the situation in which i was living with my hub whole and true for the first time (lots of bickering every single day) and it was the first time i actually said 'i don't want to go back to mexico.'

i did go back, took 3 weeks to recover from that trip, but within months my hub broke our relationship, and i made the move here.  i found this place to live, got physically taken care of (cancer surgery, which had made me sicker throughout my system), and began to feel better.

now my d and i are moving this week, and i've already begun outlining workshops to present to whomever may be interested.  3 yrs. ago, the idea of presenting workshops didn't even appear on my horizon.  like you, it was all black in the future.  thru this continual healing work, at which you are showing such determination, such pluck, such courage, my vision for my future is completely different.

at the time when everything was all black, i never would have thought this day, this change, would have been possible.  i guess what i'm saying is that there is a reason you continue to plow thru the muck of your past, why you keep working so hard at this.  i only hope and pray that the sun will soon rise up over your horizon and scatter that blackness.  i love you, sceal.  embracing you in a hug filled with hope and a new vision.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I made it through your previous post.  I saw so many things that I can relate to in therapy.  That feeling of shame; rocking back and forth; I often find myself in fetal position during therapy.     I avoid eye contact so much in therapy that I don't think I could even tell yuh the color of my T's eyes.  I think throwing a ball would be a good way to help me get more to present too.  What a clever idea.

Thanks for saying you think of me.  It means the world to me.  I don't think we can heal alone.  I look for your posts and think of you each day too 

[Blueberry]

P.S. Going through stuff and throwing out seems to be cathartic and a Good Sign for lots of people, not just me. 

[Sceal]

Wow! So many people read through my long post with various thoughts and reflections! I'm... It means alot! Thank you so much.
I will try to break up your answers into two posts if this one too seems to get too long!

Dear Blueberry:
I still have a few items left from Her. But I like the items themselves, and I'm in two minds about getting rid of them. I want to get rid of their meaning though - and I have yet to find a way to do that. But throwing out clutter - definitively cathartic!
I really did work hard in the last session, thank you for validating that for me. It helps me to validate it for myself too. I too have had the same feeling you describes, that they werent taking me seriously - or that I once again failed to communicate the debth of the situation and it's impact on me. And proving it, oh man! Having to prove everything all the time! It's exhausting. Although I wasn't feeling that my SA-support didn't mean it like that, not there and then. Although now I'm wondering if I should be more careful.

My and your time and effort spent in therapy isn't a waste or anything like that.

This is an important thing to remember. And I will try to focus on that. So many times I've been told I need to take care of myself before others, before I'll be able to deal with stresses of work and everyday life. And now that I'm doing that I feel people are growing impatient because I'm taking so much longer than what they were expecting. 

Dear San
I am always surprised at how much stuff I accumulate. I have 3-4 "spring cleanings" during a year, and each time I find heaps of stuff to throw away. (No, I'm not a hoarder ) And it feels good to declutter. It's almost as if I'm decluttering my mind too, although that's not true. But it feels better once I've cleared stuff out. And especially toxic stuff I'd just put in a bag and forgot about.

I am very happy that you managed to visit your d, and that christmas changed your life. Giving to others and seeing the impact it has on them - can be quite helpful in regaining hope that oneself is worth atleast something to someone. And by you changing your life, it meant I got to meet you, virtually. And I'm grateful for that.  I also know what you're trying to say - that things can change for me too. I know, they probably will. And they probably will change in ways I had no idea was possible - and I hope it will in a good way. But it's hard for me to plan or dream or work towards something that I cannot see.