Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

I will try, San. But I am finding it difficult to do. To be kind, that is. To me.
---
I am house and dog sitting this week. The dogs love me, the house is huge. I've been looking forward to ordering pizza.
So I ordered a pizza, but now - I feel bad about it. This body disgusts me, more than usual. I think it might be a result that I'm going to the hospital in two days to talk about weight, food, and surgery. I think perhaps I'm a little stressed - and instead of freaking out I'm being disgusted by myself instead.

I see this body, and I feel it. And it disgusts me. My apetite has diminished alot the past two weeks, and I struggle with eating. I'm just not hungry, and nothing is really tempting. All I imagine when I see food is being bloated and gaining more and more weight. Being shamed, disgusted by others, and - well... Here we are. But this pizza... Why on earth did I order it? And why did I order a large one? I have to pretend when they come to deliver that I'm not home alone. Somehow.
I suppose it's shame too.

But mainly, it's thought-driven. Not emotional driven, or rather.. The disconnect is back. It came back the same day as the sadness was visiting for a few hours.

Wore me out writing this.

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

There is a post I wish I could write. About the thoughts that I have right now.
But I can't. I wrote the post two times, and edited. But, it's too much information - and quite frankly.. I'm afraid of the replies I'd get.
So I can't write it.

But I am ashamed and disgusted. And I am concerned for the coming week and the increase in self-hatred.  I fear the triggers on Tuesday might lead to SI. Not badly, but any SI at this point would be bad. I've worked so hard to stop. So it would be a set back.

I guess the disconnect isn't fully in place at the moment.

[Sceal]

Perfect timing, Blueberry! I really, really needed some hugs right now! 

[Sceal]

I'm stressing.
I even started chatting with an eating-disorder help line yesterday. But I don't feel there was much help to it. It's a little dissapointing. It was like she was writing off a script. But I guess, she's just  a random help-line person. Not a professional. (potentially). Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Going to the hospital in 25 minutes. Or well, I have to drive for almost two hours to get there. And it's early in the morning for me. I did eat 1 1/2 slice of bread. I don't think it'll be enough.. But I literally can't push more food down my throat. I'm struggling just with the thought. Luckily I have a friend coming with me. He'll probably be driving us back as this will be exhaustive and I'm pretty sure I'll be dissociative.

Breathe in.... Breathe out!

[DecimalRocket]

Breathe in and out. . . what a wonderful way to pause through hardship. 

[Sceal]

 

---
It's been an incredible long, intense day. So much information, so many people. So many questions. So many assumptions.
And SO MUCH SOCIALIZING! I was social from 06.15 in the morning til 18.30 in the evening. And 30 minutes after I was finally alone my phone started ringing, and my computer started buzzing with messages from four other unrelated various people.
I wasn't able to say "I'm worn out today, can we talk tomorrow?" - probably because a) boundaries are very difficult and b) I care for them all and c) tomorrow is going to be long and hard too.

So what did I do? I comfort ate. Ice-cream. I shouldn't have milk products, but I couldn't stop. It's not that I was emotional, just so incredible worn out and done for. And I had 0 ability to resist my urges.

I'm in my childhood home this week. Alone, house sitting. It's wonderful to be so close to nature again. To hear the rain pour down and slam into the glass. It's soothing. It's dark here, no noise. No people (except for today), and it's safe. Most people don't know I'm here. And they don't know where here is either. So I'm safe.

But I'm sleeping poorly as "#%. Laundry's done. It's fianlly time to atleast doze off.

[Blueberry]

 

I tend to comfort-eat when exhausted too. Not useful, but often I lack the will-power in that situation to stop and feel what I really need.

[Sceal]

I know how that is, Blueberry.
It's an urge I've been fighitng non-stop the past few days - on top of everything else it's exhaustive.

[sanmagic7]

my dearest sceal, more hugs to you      while you're in the midst of this.  i've done more than my fair share of stress eating in my life, so i totally relate.  ice cream has always been a biggie, too.

you're going thru such a tough time right now, looking at an unknown future, how it's going to play out.  it think it's positively normal to be stressed about that.  breathe in, breathe out.  i always think of wife2 when thinking about breathing.  it really can be so helpful, even if simplistic.

you're doing ok.  kudos to you for calling that helpline, even if it wasn't so very productive for you.  is there a nurse or some kind of advocate connected to this type of surgery you could call?  i was given the number of a medical psychologist last year who specializes in helping people when they're having a rough time dealing with med. procedures.  maybe your doc's office has someone like that you could call?

take it easy on yourself - all those feelings you've spoken about are totally warranted.  i hope you can get some of them out of you in a safe way.  you don't need to turn them on yourself in a neg. way.  been there, done that, and it didn't help, just made me feel worse.

sending a warm loving hug to you, sweetie, full of care, comfort, and acceptance.  i will love your body for you for the fact that it allows you to get to where you need to go, to post here both for yourself and to help/support others, and because it's held a lot of abuse and trauma for you when you needed a place for it to go.  as you continue to make progress, it won't have to be that kind of receptacle anymore, and i'll love it then as well. 

[DecimalRocket]

Sceal, I like the rain too. I often hear that sunny days is what makes people smile, but I've often found peace in the coming and goings of the quiet pitter platter of the rain. Strange how the simple things can be the most calming, huh? It's predictable, unlike much of the unpredictability of life. It's simple to take a part in, and about everyone can take part in hearing the softness of the rain.

I hope you can be less hard of yourself with your stress eating. While I don't do it as much, I've had times where I stress eat too. And even more than that, I have times where I fall back to unhealthy coping skills too.

I remember in a book I read that talked about people captive in a prison during the war, that most survivors whose sanity were intact long after had some kind of groundedness with the world. A proof that a world existed outside their prison. Maybe it could be an airplane swooshing by. Maybe it could be guards simply chatting about the daily work.

Maybe for you it's the rain, and I hope the rain would be kind to you. 

[Sceal]

Thank you both. Your support means alot to me. 

---
I called my T yesterday, and I mentioned that I feel so alone with all of this. I can't connect with my friends at this level, I can't tell them why I'm struggling. Why I'm in grief. I can't tell them, because it's dangerous.
My T was incredible kind, comforting and supportive today. And in a way that is dangerous too, because she will one day leave me. And then I will stand on my own.  I haven't talked about that with her yet, because I fear that once I breach that subject I must be ready that she will sooner rather than later break this relation off in order to protect me from getting too attached or too dependent. Which would be the right thing of her to do, but it would still leave me on my own - without other network that I can connect with and talk with.

I wish I could remember all that she told me today. It was important. I needed to hear what she said. I needed to talk, and I needed to cry. I didn't, but I was close.

I talked to my SA lady later in the day. We talked about my dependency on health care professionals. I've talked about that before.  I know it is a thing, I know I am dependent. I know it also prevents me from connecting with others, learning to have the hard conversations with them. Because I got my doctors or therapists or nurses (it varies from period to period), and when they leave I know it's not because of me - but external causes. When a friend leave... it is because of me. And I don't deal very well with that.

[Hope67]

  to you Sceal. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

  to you too, Hope

I am out of town on family business. I am the only representative from my part of this side of the family. I was nervous about going, but I felt Obligated to go. Now that I am here, it's pretty nice.
Their family dynamic is so natural and full of jokes and teasing in a loving manner. It's so wonderful to see. I feel at ease.
My aunt asked me why I'm in treatment and I told her due to PTSD. She asked why, and I answered r*. I'm baffled that it came out of me. I asked her not to tell other family members, because it'll come back to my mother. She respected that, and we were interrupted by other people.

[Sceal]

Back from my family trip. I extended it a day. I intended to extend it longer, but - I have my appointment with my T tomorrow, and I also got sick with throat-infection.
It was a very good experience going down there. I felt so welcome, so wanted. Their family dynamic is very different than mine. It's interessting to watch. I like it. I'm invited back down again, I said I'd come down once they finish their exams - so not to disturb during that time.

I feel better. I hope it lasts.