Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

I think it was pushing myself too hard, I'm beyond exhausted. I snoozed on the sofa for 3 hours. I almost never do that, not for that long I mean. And I feel like a wreck now. I probably need food. But, I am still bloated, and I can still feel the taste of chips, eventhough I've brushed my teeth twice.

I cancelled my plans this evening, it would have done me good. But I literally have no energy, not even to make dinner.

[Sceal]

I'm worthless. Everything I keep working for just get so easily ruined, or if not ruined then ten times harder because I keep working against myself.
I...$&@!?

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
You have so much worth to me! We all have those times when we seem to work against ourselves. When we are so tired, our judgement is clouded.

You are so much more than your traumas. You are eloquent, thoughtful, and kind even when you don't know many of us personally.  You are such a giver Sceal.  Sending you love and support friend.  Let's just sit together for a bit k? 

[Sceal]

I don't have words today, deep blue. But I am grateful for you sitting with me.

[Wattlebird]

Sending hugs sceal 

[Three Roses]

A safe to you, sceal.

[Sceal]

Thank you all,  to you all.

I am trying really hard to celebrate the victories, but somehow they don't seem to matter. A stranger told me today that I've been through so much and yet I've never given up, and I keep on going.  It was nice of her to say so, to try and cheer me up. But I feel nothing but sadness. I have no interests.
I just want to sleep through this, but I'm not really tired. I just, there's no point being awake.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru such a tough patch, Sceal. How about we go get some coffee or tea and sit quietly on the porch together? You can be sad and I won't try to fix you. 

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
It sounds like you are having one heck of an EF.  Please hang in as best as you can.  Sending you warm   

Don't worry about replying to us.  Just take time for yourself and try to relax.  Maybe just call lady T?  Maybe listen to some music? Maybe read a little? 

Drinking tea with you as well 

[Sceal]

I'm so sorry you're going thru such a tough patch, Sceal. How about we go get some coffee or tea and sit quietly on the porch together? You can be sad and I won't try to fix you. 

Thank you, that - that sounds beyond amazing. Exactly what I need. Some company and also be allowed to be how I am without being fixed. Some spicy tea on the porch with you and Deep Blue sounds so peaceful and lovely. 


----

There's a documentary in my country that is about mental health, about young adults going filming themselves throughout the weeks and then meet up for a group-therapy session once a week. The self-filming is un-edited, they are crying, they are drunk, they are smiling, they are angry, they are brushing their teeth. It's not all the time, but the people making the documentary cut away alot of the tapes I suspect and put it together in episodes with different themes.
Alot of what they say, they describe their struggles I can relate. They are different individuals with different problems and struggles.
Some have very strict rules they live by, low self-esteem, lack of a good network, being stuck in routines they don't know how to break through from.
And I know, I know that watching these episodes now, when I'm not doing so great is not a good idea. It keeps me down, it keeps me sad.
But I was watching it both yesterday and this morning, and one of the people there is struggling deeply with high expectations and pressure about being best at what s/he does or want to do, but the anxiety is so high that it prevents her/him from doing what s/he wants to do. And one of her/his "homework" or challenges that s/he's being met with by the psychologist is to try and not be so perfect. Not be so Great all the time.
And I thought about that, because I feel I have to be amazing, I have to be good at art. I have to prove that I am active despite being fat and despite having too much time on my hands. I have to prove that I am smart, despite being unable to work at the moment. I have to be clever in therapy, I have to accept and be willing to change and do the homework, even if I don't want to, and it's too far out there for me. I have to be a great friend who never asks for anything, just smiles and are always there if someone needs something. Happy to help, without expecting anything in return. Coming with thoughts and "advice" to others, that sounds smart eventhough I'm incapable of doing anything about it myself.

So I thought, perhaps I need to practice embracing the fact that I am not good enough, maybe it can lower the bar a little. Sharing my flaws more, sharing the bad drawings (I already do that, but I hide it under the pretence of them being quick sketches, and although they are sketches, they always remain that way because I fear I wont be able to finish it, or that if I push it past the sketching stage it'll never be great enough) on instagram. It'll require alot of courage. And I have a huge mass of awfulness in my stomach saying this outloud, or even thinking of it. But maybe, maybe in the long and short run it'll help? At least on that part.

The sadness part.. I don't know what to do with that. It's overwhelming, and keeps me in the sofa, or watching something on telly, or in bed. Just not... doing anything really.
List of things to do today:
Laundry
Cleaning
Drawing or sculpting
Answering Q&A
Reading
Visiting friends in the evening ( I just reached out and said I'm struggling, if they would be up for some visit once the kids are in bed tonight- They said yes! I'm so grateful!)

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal
I wish I could help you, I know what it is like to feel so so down that there's no point to even trying. You are allowed to feel like that it's ok, I always feel like I'm getting it wrong by not being more positive or motivated like being depressed is a mistake as well as everything else I do wrong , but it is ok to be depressed about having had all this stuff to deal with that was undeserved, unwanted and unjust it's a normal reaction and once I stop beating myself up for having feelings and just allow it sometimes it helps. I'm not sure what's happening for u but I hope the tidal wave reseeds soon for u

[Blueberry]

Sceal, I'm sending 

It's been suggested to me before that I try not to be so perfectionist. a) How do you do that when you believe deep within your soul that you're bad through and through     and b) in my case the attempts to be perfect developed to try and bypass the traumatic experiences of childhood, teenage years and onwards. People can't just come along and bring that all to the surface without offering some other form of safety net.    Idk if that's in anyway similar to your case, but thought I'd mention just in case.

[Sceal]

@Wattlebird,
Hi! Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing with me your own experiences. And to remind me that I am allowed to feel everything I am feeling, and it will pass once I allow myself to have the emotions, maybe then they wont be so overwhelming.

@Blueberry
Thank you, I need alot of hugs these days.
I do want to make things right, and good, and accepted. I'm not sure I'm striving for perfection anymore, as I don't really believe there is such a thing as we all have different views on what is perfect - and then, how could it possible then be perfect to everyone? It seems impossible. But I do strive to be good enough, and yet I feel so lazy and awful that I can't seem to manage to get that going.
It is truly difficult to achieve anything of worth when you, and I, believe deep within that we're just not worthy. We're not good enough and never will be. I never did succeed at being perfect, I wasn't doing well at school, I never got a job that's impressive, don't have a husband or kids or a house - so I feel I've failed on all the aspects that's "required" to be apart of being perfect, or normal, or healthy - I'm not sure what word to use really.

---
My body is attacking me. It started a few days ago, pain in my hips and lower back, spreading down my legs. Yesterday was a massive, massive headache, but it got a little easier while I was playing boardgames with my friends although it returned before I left their house in the evening. Today my headache is gone, but everything from my neck to my toes are painful. Except arms. I worked out a little bit earlier today, and I was so satisfied that I managed to do anything at all, and even more satisfied when it seemed to remove the pain. Only, once I'd showered and eaten my dinner the pain trippled.

I'm still sad, but not as crippling as it was the past week. Although I have Lady L tomorrow, and Lady T on Tuesday, and a first appointment with center for eating disorder on Thursday. Also on Tuesday I'm meeting a woman at the local voulenteer center. I think Lady T just suggested I use the place as a user, and not as a voulenteer.. But I've signed up for a chat to see if I can voulenteer. 2 hours a week, or something like that, surely I must be able to do that? I'm suspecting a difficult week ahead. I'm scared.

I think I might have put too much on my plate tbh.
But, I need to work hard with my therapy until Christmas. I need and desperatedly want so progression, some strong progression to happen. And I know I'll be broken down and tread upon, and having to meet my own ghosts as well as the ghosts and demons of my abusers in the door-way. But I need to gain control over my life.
I need to be able to live life. One way or the other. I think this is my healthy brain talking. Needing to overcome the past in order to live in the present and to have a future to look forward to. But also to gain the control I've felt has been sorely lacking. To be okay with who I am, who I've turned out to be.

But there's also this other side of me. This side that wants me to be "tortured", reminded, re-traumatized, shamed, because - I don't deserve to have a good life. I do deserve to be punished. 

These two sides are currently fighting a very deadly battle about who is actually in-control. Right now, I sadly think it's the unhealthy part of my mind that's winning.

[Sceal]

My last entry I was numb. I didn't really feel much of anything except the physical pain, which is only getting worse.

I was in a skype call with a friend of mine from abroad, and normally I love chatting with my friend. But not today. I tried to share my vulnerabilities but weren't met. She's had a really long and draining week, and might very well not be able to actually deal with my insecurities as well. They seem to be never ending.

Which is what I fear, why I don't share them with friends that often. I can dare to be vulnerable and say "these are the thoughts I was batteling, this is part of my past - but it's in my past, this is what I've learned from it" Like an afterthought, I can never really show them my face, or my voice when I'm really in need of a supporting friend.  Knowing that she's had so much to deal with this week, it wasn't really fair of me to try and share my insecurities either. I should have seen that, I shouldn't have wanted to or needed to.
I suppose this is the fault in having too little of a network and not enough close friends.

I have a deep desire for SH today, I'm fighting reallly-really hard to not listen. I dared to be open and vulnerable with my friend earlier in the day. It was hard, it was challenging. And I wasn't fully met then either, but I think I was very matter of factly which then makes it hard to be supportive.  I know that if I SH it's a step backwards, I'm allowing the monster and the beast and the demon win. It makes me weaker. But keep fighting this urge is also making me weak, it wears on my resistance, it makes it harder for me to stay strong in other matters. It makes it hard for me to observe what is happening within.

Should: I need the emotions to stop, I need the thoughts to stop circling. I need some relief
Should not: It will only slow down or hamper my recovery, it's destructive and not worth it.
Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am so afraid of failing, that I don't try hard enough that would ensure me that I wouldn't fail. I try just enough so that I will fail, regardless of what I try to achieve. Just to prove my point I am not good enough. That my fears are reasonable and true. To prove that I am not worthy.  I was doing soul-searching in regards to my art, and desired future profession, but it just... I'm so crippled by the fear and the belief that no matter what, I'll never be good enough. I'm scared, I'm so scared of failing. Of dissapointing everyone. Of never, ever being good enough.

Instead of sitting up and slaving over my desk, writing my ideas down or practicing my art. Daring to pick up the pencil, daring to try out the paint, I get so paralyzed by the thoughts of never being good enough so why trying?  During my soul-searching in art, I discovered that the works that are better than the rest of the crap is because at the time I was capable of playing, exploring and experimenting. It didn't matter how it turned out, it was just something I was playing around with anyway. But now, I can't play anymore. Everything has to be perfect the first time around, or atleast have potential to become perfect the second time around.
All I do is escape, I watch tv-series after tv-series, after tv-series. I listen to music, watch youtube. I go out. But I don't do art. I don't work hard enough on therapy, I should be exposing myself to my fears every day, I don't.
I feel sick to my stomach.

I wrote down all the thoughts. Such as "Thoughts about increasing physical pain without having fallen down and hit myself, thoughts about delaying meals, about halving my meals, thoughts about giving up. Thoughts about being allowed to eat what I want. thoughts about SH. Thoughts about being trapped. Thoughts that I don't deserve to be okay. Thoughts that I need to work harder at everything. Thoughts that I'm lazy" and so forth. I wrote them all down on a paper. I hope I dare to bring it to Lady T on Tuesday and read them outloud. I'm not sure if it will help, not sure if it will do anything other than throw me into further vulnerability and emotional spiral admitting some of the things I wrote down. But whatever, I don't deserve to have it good - so it doesn't really matter how I'll react afterwards.  But then again... she doesn't deserve to be treated like this, given all of this in her lap.
I don't know what to do.

I apologize for my whining.

[Sceal]

I feel a little better today.
Rough morning, and a long day. But I got out of the house for the most part of it. It helped.

I have written a letter to Lady T for the session tomorrow morning. Talking about my thoughts and reflections.
As I'm sitting here, I think it's rather poorly written. I'm being super judgemental.
I am trying to tell myself that this is a letter I intend to read. Not her, I will use my voice to say the words. And everytime I think about it I start crying I am so scared.
Reading it alout in my voice makes me feel naked, vulnerable.  when I just give it to her I can let my shame control me and I can detach from her, from the situation, from the letter.

I have no idea if I'll manage. Maybe the moment I get into her office and on the sofa I'll chicken out and just give it to her.
Maybe I'll take a sobril before I go there. but that's not therapy productive, and I can't drive the car afterwards. They'll take my lisence for that if I get caught.

!#%¤# I'm scared.