Sceal's new journal

[Blueberry]

Sceal  it sounds as if you're really pushing yourself atm. Small steps in healing count too! When I try to take steps that are too big, that usually throws me backwards especially into big EFs. A couple of days ago you reminded me that after hard work, we usually need a break. How about you atm? Even just sleeping although you're not actually tired really can be a break. Just a break where there's nothing to do, nothing to "work on" since healing is a 24/7 job. Somewhere we need a break.

I don't think you're whining btw just telling things as they are. You certainly don't need to apologise for doing that in your own journal. Take care! 

[Sceal]

  Thank you Blueberry.
I've been sleeping alot. 10-12 hours daily. As of taking breaks, not been doing much of that I suppose. I watch shows, but my mind keep working.
This week doesn't seem to promote rest though.
I'm exhausted.

[sanmagic7]

don't blame you for being exhausted.  i've gone thru a week and a half of heavy duty emotional stuff - this crapola takes its toll whether we want it to or not.  i hope you rest when you can, sleep when you must, get out into nature when possible cuz it seems to be helpful to you, and be gentle with yourself. 

what you're attempting to do is very scary, and not to be underestimated, dismissed, nor denied.  when you're ready, it will happen.  i have no doubt about that.  we all get ready at different times.  i give you so much credit, sweetie, for wanting to do this, for your courage and determination that goes with your intent - to me, intent is a biggie.  follow-thru comes in its own time.

keep taking care of you.  sending love and hugs to surround you with warmth and caring.

[Sceal]

I'd be in nature if I could. But it's pouring down and rather * weather, which isn't making it appealing. I'm also suspecting I'm brewing a pnemonia. I hope not though, I hope it's just a heavy cold that somehow only sits in my throat and chest...

Today has been uplifting.
I woke up at 6 this morning so I could go on a skype-call with an american friend of mine. We sat up catching up and discussing art. Showing our stuff to each other, and scheduling a new call next week. There was no judgement on the painful art process and self-judgement. He also shared some of his fears and we could both listen to each other. It was very nice. We've both missed talking about art, the process and such. I'm so happy we could make this work, and I hope we can do it more regularly.
I struggled with food though. I ate 4 hours after I woke up, I don't constitute that as breakfast. It was so much food, and I'm ashamed of it. Two eggs and some macaroni. Then I drove out to have coffee with a friend, but postponed because I had a meeting at a voulenteer center so close in time. I had an accident that required me to rush home again though and change clothes. Stressed me out alot!
I got back to the place JUST in time. Exactly as the bell toll so to speak, except the woman I was meeting hadn't arrived yet. So I was still early. But by my own standards I was late. I hate being late.
Luckily for me, I think, that I am brewing on something or another. Pnemonia or a heavy chest-cold. Whenever I get physically sick my emotional reaction tends to be lower, although more unstable, they don't get so intense. So my nervousness for meeting this woman was non-existant.
I think it might be because when I drove down there the second time today, I realized that I can say when or how much I can contribute with, it's not up to her to give me work hours and for me to HAVE to show up.
She's about 10 years older than I, I think. And she just opened up this center this spring, so it's still just getting its feet wet. The conversation flowed very easily, and we had loads to talk about. I'm going to head out there again tomorrow to meet some of the other voulenteers. She was saying she didn't have any keycards to give me yet because she was out of them, Wow! She must really like me already, so early off the bat. I mean, she doesn't know yet.
Though writing this, I am starting to get a little apprehensive. Some ugly thoughts reared up in my head.
She was calm, but passionate. Seemingly down to earth.  Yet, I need to be careful. I need to be very careful. I need to keep them at a distance, I need to remember to not just jump right in, because it might seem like a place I could fit into. I've done that before - that did NOT turn out well. My heart is racing now, realizing this.

I also phoned Lady T leaving her a message. Saying I'd like to join in on the "day-care" group they are starting up next week, or in two weeks. It'll be DBT-content with mindfulness and physio-excersises and such.

Then I went to get my hair cut. I like it short-short. but it was more costly than I remembered. How could I forget?

I ate junk in town. And I ate junk now that I got home. And all I can think about is food. I suspect I'm stressed about tomorrow. And I also suspect I'm in need of being comforted and loved, even though I'd reject that if someone would actually be here and try to give it to me.

[Sceal]

Man, my last entry was a mess. Visually speaking.

I'm exhausted. I woke up an hour ago, exhausted. All I could think about was SH when I woke up. I'm still tempted. And I don't even know why.
I want to cry, but I don't feel sad. Or do I? I don't know. All I really can notice is exhaustion. It's exhausting to be awake, and to sleep. It's a miracle I managed to take a shower.

I went to the eating disorder place yesterday. I took a sobril before I went in, I haven't taken one since maybe january/february? I don't recall. She was very friendly, she herself had struggled with eating disorder in the past and had used the same centre - and now she wants to use her experience for something good. Trying to help others get out of it. I got a homework, she wanted me to make a list of all the things my eating disorder GIVES me and all the things it TAKES away. It can be positives and negatives on both sides. Normally I'll see her every second week, but due to her going away for a week and then Im going away, I'm seeing her already on Tuesday.

I went to the voulenteer group yesterday, to the "hangout" section for kids and youths. We were four voulenteers and 3 kids. Mainly we just had a meeting where we planned what sort of activities there will be forward. I suggested a costume party, so now we're having a halloween party on the 1st of November. Which is kind of cool - I never get to dress up. And now I do. Although, I'm scared of not being dressed up enough, or being too dressed up. And then I'm thinking, it's not about me it's the kids. I'm still nervous about the voulnteer group people. I have to be careful, I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I have this thing where I can't ever, never be late. I have to be early. Preferably 15 minutes early to any activity. But yesterday I was hiding away at my friends place, I was so scared. I got there 20 minutes late. To me that speaks volumes. Because the being early thing is an incredible strict rule, and somewhat compulsive. It can give me panic attacks when I think I'm too late.

So this week has been massive. It's been hard-difficult and painful work. And so was last week. I know I have reasons for being exhausted. But it still sucks.

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

 

I took the bus to town to just sit at the SA support centre. The ladies working there saw I wasn't have a good day and two of them had a small chat with me. It was nice. Made it easier.

I went to the library after they closed. There's a comic festival of some sort here today. I wanted to have a look around, but I'm not feeling it. But I can't afford to take the bus down this weekend and take a visit then. It's now, or next year. I also did my therapy homework that also require the library. Maybe that wasn't the best idea. Sadness overload.

[Sceal]

TW

I don't know how I am supposed to get through this day, or tomorrow.

Woke up feeling awful, had a dream where I was a woman of a different ethnicity and where my family wanted me to marry. I had three men who loved me, I also had 3 children, but I couldn't marry any of them despite loving them. Because I had been R* and I couldn't do my wifely duties. And all I wanted was to escape, but also not to escape but to be loved and cared for. And then I got cornered up into a wedding - and it was just messy. The only corrolation I have to her is the r* and the not telling my family part.

I've been awake for less than an hour. I don't know how to do this today.

[Wattlebird]

I'm sorry sceal, when it rains it pours you seem to be in a down pour atm keep talking it out, keep posting ur struggles, share it with us and hopefully that will take some of the load of u 
xo

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, one step at a time for as many days as you need.  i hope you can allow that for yourself.  terrible dream - i can't imagine how that must have affected you.  i'm with you all the way, sweetie, right next to you.  can sit with you if you'd like, bring you some tea, and just be still for a bit, or as long as it takes.  love you so, gathering you in with a caring, soothing, calming hug.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal,
I'm so so sorry for your nightmare.  I wish I had a magic eraser and could just get rid of nightmares.  Sometimes I wish for a magic blanket to protect me from them as well.

I've been having my share of them lately, and it makes me drag all day long.  I have dizzy spells, irritability, and stomach issues when I'm not sleeping. 

I Bought a new lotion today.  I'm going to put it on before bed tonight.  I'm hoping the different scent will kick me out of my nightmare swing.... till then, I'm holding your hand in this    My heart hurts for you sweetie.

Take care and let me if you need anything.
your friend
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

I'm sorry, the days are passing in a blur. I'd rather not be awake, but here I am.  Thank you all for your supportive words and thoughts. They mean alot.

This time around I haven't been hiding for my friends I'm depressed. I've told them, quite bluntly. I've said "I'm in a depressive episode right now" or "It's hard times", they've been supportive - some wants to help, but to be honest.. I've no idea what kind of help I need from them, or what they could possible offer. I don't want to talk with them about why I'm sad. But it's heartwarming none the less.

TW
I read an awful news article today, I'm not going to go into details. But the father was prosecuted and is going to jail and have to pay his daughter a huge amount of money. I'm happy she was believed and the system actually worked in her favour. And I hope she has other support systems around her, because I'm saddened by what she had to go through.
But what I found interessting was that in the newspaper they wrote the girl now suffers from "Post traumatic stress disorder in the complex variant". Which means that C-PTSD has reached the media, and it has reached the court rooms of my country. And I hope that for those who are waiting for this to be recognized that this gives hope and that it's a day closer to being possible.  I wanted to share that with you guys, but didn't know know how. Because this girls story is horrible and she suffers greatly and I hate that she had to go through it.

For myself, how I am doing.. Well, I'm getting more and more into the numb stage of my depression. I don't want to do anything, I don't have the energy to do anything. I've messed up financially, so I'm struggling with that and finding sollutions. I can't afford the bus at the moment, and yet I have to take it several times this week. I only hope I don't get caught sneaking onboard. My body is aching again. Different parts this time though, and although the pain was greater last week - I think I prefer that pain to this one.

My dreams are still active, and although I don't remember what it contained I do remember being relieved waking up from it. Despite wanting to be asleep.

I have an event tonight that's recommended I attend. I think I want to, but I also don't. It would do me good I think, but also... I'd have to take the bus. I'll have to decide in an hour.

[sanmagic7]

   and much love.  my heart is with you, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal
How I wish I was there for you in real life.  I wish I could chase away that dark cloud that is upon you now.  all I can say is that I care about you and I'm still here if you need anything.

Remember, you come first Sceal. 

[Sceal]

I ended up not going to the event. I was missed apparently. That's new!

I had a meeting this morning for the eating disorder center. It was a nice talk, we didn't talk so much about food and body-image. More about how I feel I am being met in society and in the healthcare system with my scars and diagnosis. She's going to start a new job, so I'm going to get another contact person. I'm glad it's happening now in the beginning and not in the middle of a "project".

I went to the art supply store and had a chat with the owner. It was nice. It was supposed to be super windy and super rainy today. Instead there was a warm wind and loads of sun. I think the sun helped raise my mood somewhat. I sat at a café waiting for my appointment at the SA support centre with Lady L. And sitting there I was able to work more on a personal art project I'm planning on doing once I start at the gallery. And that gave a sense of purpose, a sense of.. I don't want to say accomplishment, but something similar. One step closer.

Talked alot about SH with Lady L today. She said I had a different kind of energy about me today. And she was right. I felt better today.
I still hate my body, loath it. I hate feeling it's presence. I'm still shameful, and I'm still sad. But today was somehow lighter all the same. I'm back to feeling that everything is a little meaningless again. But it's not so overwhelming, but it might because I ended up doing some SH this week-end, and it might have released a little pressure.