Sceal's new journal

  • 517 Replies
  • 30382 Views
*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #30 on: April 30, 2018, 06:52:42 PM »
I'm going to mainly be monitoring the forum this week, helping out a little bit extra. So I might not post so much on my own, but before I get started on that.. I have to write out some thoughts.

Two topics today - it'll be long today:

1. Family:
As i've mentioned, I went away this week-end on a family thing. I went alone to a different city to celebrate my youngest cousin. Originally I wasn't very excited to go, I felt obligated and the timing was poor (though it turned out to be perfect). I was so exhausted last week, all the things that has been going on. But the drive down was really beautiful, the landscape was so varied. And I was listening to a podcast called «Grown-ups read things they wrote as kids», which was very nice. It made me feel like I wasn't weird and alone. That we're all just the same, it just comes out in various expressive ways. It made me think of the younger me, and how brave those people who stood on a stage infront of strangers and read out loud their most private thoughts from their childhood.  I really recommend it.
When I got there, I was greeted really warmly by my uncle, aunt and the three kids. I talked mostly with the eldest one, she's closest to me in age. And we talked alot about art. And it was so inspiring. It was healing in a way, and now I'm back home with more vigour and intent of doing more digital art. Which I haven't done in a very long time (years).

2. Therapy:
I felt pretty good when I went to my session today. I felt pretty decent afterwards too. We were both fumbling a little in the memory darkness. Eventhough it's less than a week since I saw her last (thursday), neither of us could quite remember what we had talked about. For me I had to dig deep to remember things, and even then it was elusive. For her, she was worried she was mixing up my session with others and didn't say too much, for fear of saying things that wasn't about me. But we figured out the essential. That we talked about loneliness and how many of my emotions are grounded in the past and not the present. They weren't recognized in the past – by others or by me, so they are still affecting me, and I'm using them as protective shields eventhough they no longer are needed. I'm still processing this line of thought, trying to make sense of it. I understand it, but I don't fully grasp it. I can't divide it up to when I'm feeling something because something happened now, or if it's a ghost from the past.
We also talked about dissociation, or rather what happens when I fade out. What happens right before, and during. I tried to explain to her my experiences, but I'm not sure I did it justice. I also forgot to ask her if it was a normal thing for dissociation. I don't know, maybe it doesn't matter. I just like cataloguing things.
She wants me to try and work on figuring out what my triggers are, what happened right before – what I can remember atleast. It'll be difficult, but I'll give it a proper try. I gave her an example from group, when the interperters stand up and walk to stand behind me, (because we're using the board on the wall and we all have to turn somewhat) I tend to bark at them that they can't stand behind me. Because I get scared, and then I get so overwhelmed by shame that I disrupted the group, I made things difficult for the interperter and the one needing her, and I sat a boundary when I shouldn't have – I just fade out. I fade out deeply each time this happens. So my T thinks maybe I need to work on my boundaries too, she asks me on a scale from 1-10, how high is the score of uncomfortableness before I set boundaries. I told her around 8-9. She said that was too high. I suspect she's right, but it's hard to do anything about it. Because I believe I don't deserve to set boundaries. I'm not worthy to set boundaries. And sometimes it increases the risk of conflict, and I will accept alot of crap before I put my foot down to avoid conflict.

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #31 on: May 01, 2018, 11:11:36 AM »
A month before the surgery I will have to go on a diet. Although it might be another year til the actual surgery, I thought I'd try out this new diet. Modify it a little bit, because it is very little food. It's so I lose alot of weight in a short amount of time, so the surgeon has more room to maneouver.  I figured I'd try it out, and also it wouldn't hurt lose a little weight. - I hope this helps.

I've modified the diet a little. I'm eating a bit more for dinner than it says it should. It says 1-2 spoons of rice and 120g of chicken, and unlimited amount of veggies.  I'm increasing both the amount of chicken and the amount of rice. But keeping everything else from the other meals. Yesterday went really well, I didn't really struggle with hunger - eventhough I ate less during breakfast and lunch than I should have. But today I'm struggling. I'm hungry after 1.5 hour.
I'm going to try and drink some tea and water, and maybe eat some vegetables. Dinner is still 3 hours away - it'll be challenging.
But hopefully I'll be proud to get through this the first few days of adjustment. And the right kind of proud - not the one that leads to a stronger case of eating disorder.

Otherwise, I don't feel so good today. My motivation is gone, and I don't really feel like doing anything. I also have a throat infection - might be affecting my general will to do anything.  I've read and posted alot of posts here today - but now I'll need an extended break. I'll check in later

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 2734
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2018, 12:39:36 PM »
Sceal - I hope you get a nice rest now, and that you feel better later.  Be kind to yourself.   :hug: to you and wishing you the best with your diet - hope it goes well. 
Hope  :)

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #33 on: May 01, 2018, 02:25:45 PM »
Thank you Hope :hug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7260
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #34 on: May 01, 2018, 04:01:25 PM »
darling sceal, best to you with your new way of eating.  i have to admit that once i began eating more veggies, my body calls out for them now if i go too long without.  weird how our systems make those changes and let us know about it.

that idea of what rate of tolerance do we get to before asserting boundaries struck a chord with me.  i do believe that for most of my life my rate was also much too high before i said 'stop', so to speak.  many times, too, i wasn't even aware until i exploded - i'd just tolerate and tolerate till, like a pressure cooker, it came out without any sense of regulation.  very all or nothing kind of thing.

i, too, believed that i 'should' tolerate, that it was my job, more or less, in order that others stay comfortable.  my comfort had no meaning for me.  just wasn't a thing.  it's taken quite a while to believe otherwise.  hopefully you'll get there sooner rather than later.  you do deserve to be comfortable, to have things remain in a healthy comfort zone for you.  yes, you really do, no matter how you think otherwise.  we all do, and you're one of us.

love and hugs, sweetie. 

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2018, 07:24:39 AM »
I used the analogy with my T about headaches and painkillers.
That when a headache starts to creep up on you, you tend to wait with the painkiller. Because the pain isn't bad enough yet, it might just fade away.  You can't take pain killers for everything. But by the time you end up taking the painkiller it's too late, the effect of the pill will be diminished because the pain is too great.
And it's like that with boundaries for me too. I take too long before I set them, because it might not be a big enough boundary that was crossed. Might not have been important enough, because after all... I should be able to deal with somethings without making a big deal about it right?

My T said that was a really good analogy. And that it's time to learn to take the painkiller early on. Although this gives me another problem, I need to acknowledge the pain before it's too much to handle.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7260
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2018, 10:41:17 PM »
good thinking.  being in and out of doc's offices for so many years, i've heard that told to me over and over - take the painkiller before the pain gets too great.  that's how it works best, and keeps you as comfortable as possible.  that's why they'd put me on a schedule - say, every 8 hours - to enable the painkillers to continue to jump in on a regular basis.

so, how to determine when your pain warrants a boundary/painkiller?  that can be tough, especially if we are able to see it more clearly for others than ourselves.  if we've been raised with unrealistic expectations of ourselves, it can be difficult to look objectively at what is realistic.  if you could look at yourself as if looking at someone else and being able to determine when it's time to set that boundary, maybe you could then turn it back to yourself and begin to practice. 

i do believe it will take practice, that it won't turn around all at once.  maybe some mindfulness might help.  look at what was happening the last time you didn't put a boundary out in time, what was going on, what was your level of pain, and how could your recognized that level as even 1 point lower?

some random thoughts, sceal.  i wish you all the best with this.  i've had many, many years of not setting appropriate boundaries for myself, for a lot of different reasons.  sometimes looking at the reasons and working through those can be helpful as well.  it's a tough one, no doubt.  my very best to you with this, sceal.  it'll come about eventually, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs, sweetie.

*

DecimalRocket

  • Member
  • 1104
  • The Cautious Thrillseeker
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #37 on: May 03, 2018, 01:12:12 PM »
 :bighug:

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #38 on: May 03, 2018, 09:05:55 PM »
It's a good suggestion, San. To try and see it from someone elses perspective.
I had another conversation today about this topic, the complexities of boundaries. With my SA-lady. And maybe, the first step for me is to analyze situations afterwards. And I mean recent ones, past few weeks or so. Because I can't remember the intensity for much further back than that.
Although, I do remember some of them. The whole incident with my tent-stealing-friend for example.

I feel there are many thoughts on this topic I need to write down and figure out. And I think for once I need to do this in an actual journal, in my own tongue. See if that will help me find some order to this chaos - or atleast a beginning to figuring it out.

I did something good for the planet today. I went out with my sister and picked up plastic and other trash lying around in nature. We picked an area with loads of nature, but also where traffic passes through. It had a wide, but rarely used sidewalk. We picked up four big plastic trash bags (you know, the same size as black plastic bags) full of trash left, tossed and dumped in nature. It's pretty awful to think about how much waste humans leave behind, and just throw away because it's "inconvenient" to take it home and toss it in the actual trash. Makes me sad for our planet, and for the spirits of the forests as well as the animals who get curled up in it, or digests it all. Just horrible!

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7260
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #39 on: May 04, 2018, 12:29:09 AM »
i think that tent incident would be a great place to start.  it's recent, you wrote about it, and it's probably pretty fresh in your mind yet.  i also agree with writing it down on paper - i find that to be extremely helpful when i need clarity and concreteness.  possibly, it could be a foundation for looking at other situations in the future.

wow -  :applause: :applause: to you and your sister.  our wonderful planet certainly needs more people like you two.  that is so very cool that you did that.  thank you and much gratitude from the earth and its inhabitants.

keep going, sceal.  i think you're doing wonderfully.  love and hugs, sweetie.

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #40 on: May 04, 2018, 07:22:10 PM »
I remember the incident, and somewhat the effect it had on me. And I recall what it cost me. But I don't remember the level of uncomfortableness. I suspect it was too high, that it was more a 9.5. But I can't say for sure. I can analyze it though.

But I did set a boundary for myself today. I went out this morning to my friends house and his twins. Usually I hang out there until quite late in the day, because I know he apprechiates the extra help, and the kids makes me feel good. But today I was just exhausted. So I left early, much earlier than I have in the past. I both wanted to stay, and both to go back home and sleep. I was just drained. So I went home. I think my level of uncomfortableness might have been a 7? Not because of my friend, but because I was getting work out and really quickly - and I was pushing myself to be social, be playful and be present - all the while I wasn't really able to. I think this is progress - perhaps because it's a safe zone, and because I am working hard with this right now.

I think part of me being drained, is because the kids aren't even 1 year old - and they will be a painful reminder for quite some time to come that I will not become a mother myself. I try very hard not to think about that, but it hurts.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7260
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #41 on: May 04, 2018, 11:30:34 PM »
i think it's progress, too, especially the fact that you were able to notice it and put it on the scale.  7 is quite a bit different than 9.5.   well done, sceal. 

love and hugs to you.  glad you went home to rest.

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #42 on: May 05, 2018, 06:56:34 AM »
 :hug: thank you

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #43 on: May 05, 2018, 07:54:09 AM »
I feel off today. Like the past week where things have gone just fine, and I've dealt with things in a positive way instead of a destructive manner has been a bit too much.
I ache all over. Even the muscles in my face ache. Was supposed to go to the gym today, and I'm sure it would have done me good. But I'm just... too worn out.
I suspect the lack of energy also has something to do with the small amount of food I've eaten this week. I've kept it to 4 meals everyday - which is quite a feat in and of it's own. The feeling of hunger is back - although I'm now hungry most of the time. I've cut my breakfast and lunch in half, each of those meals are probably less than 200 kcal now. My dinner is smaller than it was before, but bigger than the regiment says it should be. I figured I shouldn't go all in just yet. It's just a trial run.
I feel weak though, as I am writing this. So I think I'll go watch some TV and have a cup of tea.

*

Sceal

  • Member
  • 2158
    • View Profile
Re: Sceal's new journal
« Reply #44 on: May 05, 2018, 10:25:01 PM »
Left the apartment today, get some fresh air and socialize with a friend. Had coffee and talked for hours. At one point he said "Sceal, do you know how many times you've told me this today?"  I was talking about setting boundaries for my self, and I thought it was the first time I'd brought it up... It was the third. Third! I have no memory of that. None. I thought I had been present all the time.
What else have I talked about that I otherwise wouldn't have said?